> Oh, Great Oracle, who vomits like Niagra Falls, who can create
> a rock so heavy he cannot lift it but finds that concept so dumb
> that he never would, who walks on water and swims in land, and
> who told Prince to put that "knee-licking" bit on the Black album,
> I beeseech thee:
> OK, I live in South Dakota. Our first snows of the year happened
> on Halloween. It was a real nasty one, too, with all the boulevards
> stacked with 5 foot piles of snow once the blades went through,
> scraping streets.
> Winter was OK. Not great, but fairly warm. It *DEFINATELY* did not
> live up to the promise of the October Shitstorm. Actually, so far
> we've had some babe-in-shorts days since this semester started.
> It was those long cut-off and rolled-up jeans look, but with decent
> legs, those are enough.
> I was expecting to see some more during Spring Fling, our annual
> spring baccinalia, with bikinis, alcohol in squeeze bottles, live
> music and sunshine, but hence comes the rub: Right now there is
> x number of inches of snow/sleet/ice/frozen precipitation out there
> and it has not stopped. Spring Fling is on thursday. Chances are,
> no babes, no tanning, no bikinis. Sweaters, flannel, and bulky
> coats are more like it. Definately indoors in the Intermural Building,
> on a basketball court with an ugly blue mat. Controlled entry so
> no alcohol. Basically, my day is ruined beforehand.
> OK, here's your part: I figure the gods are angry. Maybe drunk.
> Definately wanting to screw up my life. I can't think of anything
> I've done to piss off any one god recently, but gods, being immortal
> can both wait infinetely for revenge and look ahead to get revenge
> for transgressions that have not occured. I dunno. I figure an
> Integrated Diety Management approach would work best under this
> I figure the Roman/Greek Gods are the first ones to hit. They
> had temples that had spare spots for Gods-To-Be-Named-Later (Free
> Agents, y'know), so their roster is fluid enough to get effect
> outside Olympus.
> Seeing there are few (but some) Greeks and Italians and many, MANY
> Scandanavians out here, the Norse gods are next. I've not actually
> killed anyone and I don't have the obligatory dumb hat with the
> horns, but I figure I can improvise. This is under Thor's department
> though, and knowing Thor, anything involving beautiful women and
> alcohol would have his blessing.
> I cannot see any of the Lakota dieties minding. Iktomi, the trickster,
> might have done it, but traditionally it hasn't been his style to
> fuck with weather, but with the Greenhouse Effect and the Ozone, he
> might be branching out.
> This leaves Jahovah, Allah, or just plain God (the origin is the same
> for all of them, but the worshippers all think He's theirs alone. Ha)
> He's jealous, though, and working with the above named pantheons might
> jinx him against me. I might end up having to hack people up in
> Valhalla and STILL cold, sober and without a view for Spring Fling.
> So, Oracle, please assist me with this Integrated Diety Management
> program. I beg you.
> Dave, your humble supplicant