Goto:

448, 448-01, 448-02, 448-03, 448-04, 448-05, 448-06, 448-07, 448-08, 448-09, 448-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For your displeasure, Oracle dearest, I pose this simple but > far-reaching question: > > What makes you think you know all the answers? > > I Remain, Your Most Insolent Servant, > Gleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grr... not even that poor allusion to Phantom of the Opera can save you } from this <smite>... but, first, your answer. } } I do not _know_ all the answers; (aww, gawsh, this is the real } embarrassin' part)... } } When I was a pledge at Gamma Omicron Delta fraternity at Ethereal U., I } partook of a little too much ambrosia one night...  the next day I woke } up with the answers to every question mortals have ever, are now, or } will ever ask tattooed on some of the oddest parts of my body...  and a } ringing hangover. } } Since then I've learned how to cover them up (a Greek Bronze base #23 } works wonders), but when I get a question, I just rub off the makeup, } like one of those scratch and win games. } } You owe the Oracle your best guess as to where THIS answer came from.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh incredibly powerful and gainfully employed mighty master of all > useful knowledge, please answer my poor, sniveling query with the same > dignity and grace that I know you possess in quantities: > > Is there any easy way to get a booger off the end of your finger > without any Kleenex or paper goods handy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rise off thy knees supplicant and I shall answer thy most humble of } questions. } } If you have asked this of the oracle in desperation because there is as } I answer a hardening crusty bit adorning your digit, then you just } plain out of luck.  The only other method that doesn't involve freon or } liquid nitrogen is to simply eat the little critter.  This is not } feasible, though, because boogers contain a chemical that is toxic to } anyone over the age of eight.  If you have a hungry six year old } nearby, then you are not quite so out of luck, but most children are } too busy eating their own to worry about yours.  The best solution is } to take adequate preventative measures, like either having adequate } paper products on hand or convincing someone else to pick your nose for } you. If you follow the latter route, however, make sure it isn't a } friend you leave holding the crunchy bit.  It isn't for nothing that } the wisdom of the hills allows you to pick your friends and pick your } nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose. } } You owe the oracle a full box of Kleenex (or a healthy six year old } with no mucous of his/her own)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life as we know it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very good question.  Unfortunately, that kind of information } is eyes-only to even the highest of immortals, and I could tell you, } but the I'd have to <ZOT> you... } } OK, well, um, if you don't tell anyoine, I won't. } } OK, Life as you (I assume you mean mortals) know it is the result of } one of Lisa's kitchen adventures.  She had just finished simmering the } primordial soup when yours truly started putting the Oracular moves on } her. } } Needless to say, when we emerged three days later, the primordial soup } had cooked out over and dripped onto this little dust ball under the } fridge.  I think you know it better as "Earth." } } voia.  Instant Voltaire, Dostoevsky, and Metallica, as you know it. } } You owe the Oracle a new recipe for primordial soup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, It is an honor to have you answer my questions, and my > family is honored four generations into the past, and nine into the > future! > > My daughter has one of those dribbly-dribbly things, you know, with > the red oil, heavier than water, which slowly runs to the bottom. > Why is she obsessed with this dribbly-dribbly thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear pweshus suppwicant: } } The darling little bitty dribbly-dribbly things are the mental } pacifiers of our modern time. } } Long, long ago, far before you were born, people just like you were so } much less knowledgeable about fluid viscocity and specific gravity.  So } when they had to relax, they used less complex things.  Some would try } to soothe themselves by watching rockslides.  Others would stab the top } of a dinosaur (oooh!) to be calmed by watching the spray of blood.  Of } course, they didn't have fountains in those days either. } } And then something happened!  It was a long time ago, but not as long } a time ago as that.  It was still before you were born, though.  People } learned that they could simply pour sand from one hand to the other and } be calmed by watching the sand flow and by feeling the grit rub over } the skin. } } Some time after that, atomic clocks were invented.  They weren't as } much fun to watch as hourglasses or that thing with the little balls } hanging off string that go tick-tick-tick, so people began returning to } their primitive desires to watch things fall or hit each other.  But } because so much time had passed, the world was a much more crowded } place than it used to be and so people can't start avalanches for fun. } And all the dinosaurs are dead so people couldn't go kill them.  So } mankind used its bottomless depths of invention and created hourglasses } out of all sorts of substances, so that people wouldn't be bored by } watching just one kind.  And they made that thing with the little balls } that go tick-tictick.  While they were at it, they also invented such } things as bar graphs so that you can watch something entertaining and } soothing while trying to configure Windows 3.1 for the fifth time. } } The answer to your question is this:  People have always been } mesmerized by unsophisticated trivial toys.  They help to fill a void } in an otherwise overly busy life. } } You owe the Oracle one of those wind-up chattering teeth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the colour of love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yours is mauve, I'm afraid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh omnipresent Oracle, who can juggle with a hacksaw, a two-handed > sword and a bottle of Cutty Sark whisky. Awaiting instructions. > Your humble servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THROW YOUR KEYBOARD AGAINST THE WALL *RIGHT NOW*!!! } } (I didn't think you'd do it) } } You owe the Oracle a new keYboa%d.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh omnieverything Oracle, whose intestines are more beautiful > than Cindy Crawford's. What about this oh glorious oracle in > the universe for having the benefit to submerge themselves > into your eternal wisdom. I am not worthy to do anything with. > Whose any part of their mail to you with "ask me" or "askme" > in the disk cumpartment uf my cumputer. The drive is happily > chewing my knockles. Is there something like (a four-legged > human). > The light became stronger, and the windows were all dark. > Nothing seemed to have happened inside the house. What does > all of this mean ? > The middle of the lack of abscense of anything missing from > my unability to reproduce not unknown faulty situations in > the message part of the pacific ocean. > Approximate position: > 20 degrees south, somewhere in between Austraila and Chile. > I found a piece of junk. You are a piece of paper, an empty > wine bottle, a cork and a bright and shining guidance to all > your humble servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you are done reading this, Here's what I want you to do. } Go either home or to the nearest supermarket, wherever is closest. } Get some Orange Juice. Remember to watch for traffic, and the } white lines are CROSSWALKS, not white snakes trying to bite your } soul. Got me? Good. } } Now, go home, or someplace equally comfortable and quiet. Go } quickly, but not over any established speed limit. Hurry toward } your goal, but to not feel threatened by that guy behind you. } He is merely sharing your direction. He is NOT a CIA agent sent } to follow your every move. } } Once you get home, play, if you can, some Motown, especially the } earlier stuff. "Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding or "Green Onions" } would be perfect. If that is not available, find an oldies station } and listen. ACID ROCK is your enemy at this stage, not your friend. } } Sit back and let the organ carress you. Forget the razor in the } bathroom and the knives in the kitchen. You don't want to fly, you } don't wish harm on yourself or others, and the carpet is not chewing } on your toes. } } Now, eat something, preferably a salad. a vegetable pizza will work, } but something organic is preferable. Drink more of your orange juice. } } You will eat. You will sleep. When you wake up, your drug experience } will be over. LSD was never meant to be taken outside of controlled } circumstances. Take Acid in a cold, sterile computer room and this is } the result. } } You owe the Oracle two tabs

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> vroooommmmmm! > vrooooooommmmmm! > brrrrr.r..r.r.r..... > schreech! vrm!! vrm!! > skzkzkkzzzkzkz! > vroooommmm!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the city. A city of crime. } My name is Friday. Joe Friday. I carry a badge. } } Today`s case... } } THE LITTLE CAR WHO COULD } ------------------------ } } I was alone when she came in.  She spoke to me in a soft and cuddly } voice.  Her deep cut blouse exposed her firm and succulent... well } enough about that.  She said her name was Mitsy and that she had real } problems.  So begins our story.... } } JOE:"What can I do for you, sweetheart?" } MITSY:"Oh Joe! My car is gone. I was in Gucci`s and I heard this } noise." JOE:"What did you hear?" } MITSY:"It went }                 vroooommmmmm! }                 vrooooooommmmmm! }                 brrrrr.r..r.r.r..... }                 schreech! vrm!! vrm!! }                 skzkzkkzzzkzkz! }                 vroooommmm!" } JOE:"Were there any distinguishing features?" } MITSY:"It had a bumper sticker that said 'see L.A. -- It's a riot!'" } JOE:"I'll get right on it ma'am." } } It was dark that night when I left the office looking for the car. } Gangs were in the streets looting stores and shooting at people. } Stupid gang parties, I think to my self. I even helped an elderly gang } woman across the street with her new T.V.  I stopped to light a Lucky } Strike when a blue Ford Escort wizzed by me a and I saw the sticker.  I } called for backup but before I knew it, the car careened onto the } sidewalk and exploded killing 5 Bloods and 3 Crips.   Later at HQ... } } JOE:"I'm sorry mam, your car must have had a mind of its own." } MITSY:"Oh its not your fault. After all, it was a Ford." } JOE:"That's true. }               F.O.R.D. }               Fix }               Or }               Repair }               Daily" } } That ended this case and Mitsy thanked me with various sexual favors. } } CASE CLOSED } ----------- } } You owe the oracle a dragnet and riot gear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I moan with pleasure when Yuri Andropov touches my finger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Musical Interlude!  The Usenet Oracle invites you to get out } your balalaikas and sing along with Raunchy Raisa: } } Well, I'm in love with Yuri } 'Cause he's never in a hurry } And he never has to seek approval from above } And I've got the hots for Lenin } He's the leader of all men, 'n' } I'm gonna go To Russia With my Love.... } } (Chorus) } } I know Communism's dying, and Lord knows I ain't lying, } Don't give me New World Order -- I don't care; } Capitalists are greedy, and will not help the needy, } Give me Russian leaders -- they will share! } } Well, I've read the works of Marx, } And they fill me full of sparks, } And Comrade Leonid Brezhnev makes me hot. } Yes, Konstantin Chernenko } May someday drive me wanko } And Lord knows that I want what Gorby's got. } } (Chorus repeat) } } I know that I'll remember } The Glorious Revolution of November } And the May Day parades I'll always miss } Give me vodka by the pan } And another Five Year Plan } 'Cause things just aren't the same in the C.I.S. } } (Chorus repeat and fade)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, king of all the sun and sky > Holy father, all knowing damned cool guy, > Tell us all you know, give us some knowledge > For as you know, we get none of that in college. > Now I must ask, or be forced to mentally choke, > If the sun is on fire, then why doesn't it smoke? > > Mikey A. Studmuffin                masmas/masmas@xxxxxx.xxx.xxx > (Aka-Marius and DeSade)            University Of Gnarth Goplenert > >     Anne Rice....weaving a story like the black widow's web. > >            AMIGA!!!  The Power to Really Piss Off Apple II Users > >  "Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard. >   From now he always shall be single. >   To fall in love with boys is wierd, >   Especially boys without a dingle. >   Black Adder, Black Adder.  His taste is rather odd. >   Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod. >   Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star. >   Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far. >           Black Adder II, "Bells"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Fusion-General has determined that smoking can kick you out of the } main sequence and stunt your growth.  Look at all those white and brown } dwarfs out there.  And those galactic jets?  That's right; megaparsec } roll-youowns.  You now have the true explanation of Olber's paradox. } } You owe the Oracle a poem that scans.  And a good reason for a .sig } that takes up two screens.  Hopefully the Priests will leave it in so } that everybody else can ridicule you too. } } [ Some things were garbled to protect the innocent -ed ]