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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE > > Oh magnificent, luminescent, delicately-scented Oracle, whose farts > really DO smell like roses, please answer me this question, although I > am completely unworthy of your attention. > > Is tofu really meant to be eaten?  Is it really food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To truly understand the purpose of tofu, we can begin by dissecting the } actual meaning of the word "tofu." } } To is a Japanese prefix which means simple or plain. But in more modern } times, to has come to mean bland. Tomushata means "boring speech," } tosensata means "bland teacher," and so on. } } Fu is actually of Okinawan origin, and its meaning has changed } radically over the centuries. The most accurate current meaning is "wet } sponge." } } So, we can theorize that the Japanese wor tofu means "bland, wet } sponge." But this does not quite answer your question. } } Tofu, as you know, is actually bean curd. The curd, of course, is a } highly persecuted and unfairly-treated portion of the bean. History has } long documented the struggles of the curds- struggles which continue as } we speak in many varieties of beans, including kidney, wax, and green. } } In 1958, the United Nations passed resolution 251, allowing the bean } curds to settle in their own autonomous foodstuff, to be known as } "tofu," which, at the time, was Japanese for "simple soil." As you can } see, the Japanese Bean Association has bastardized the meaning of that } word, thanks to their vast amount of clout with the government and the } international media. } } So, I encourage you to partake of tofu, keeping in mind the great } battles which raged just so that you could have the opportunity to sink } your teeth into this efficient source of protein. } } Is it edible? Certainly. Does it taste good? Well... if you don't think } so, just make sure the curds don't hear your criticisms. } } You owe the Oracle: a packet of Wrigley's Spearmint Subgum.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Unka Orakul, > > My daddy says that the reason that Oscar in The Dustbin on Sesame > Street is such a grouch is because he lives in the dark all the time, > so his pineal doesn't get synchronised with the daylight. Is he right? > > Love, > Lenny.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Lenny, } } I have another theory.  If you were a sexually deprived, ostracised, } idiotic anti-role-model who spent all his time immersed in garbage with } a stranger's hand shoved up your rectum, you'd be a grouch too. } Either that or vice president. } } You owe the Oracle ten kilograms of melatonin and a rubber glove.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Oh most cosmic Oracle of whom the llamas of the upper Amazon sing > their praises to] answer me this... > > If the mean temperature of the universe is three degrees Kelvin and the > moon is made of green cheese and green cheese is caused by mold then > how did the cheese in the moon grow moldy if it is kept at the nice low > temperature of three degrees Kelvin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most ignorant mortal. It is the most ignorant and superstitious } rubbish that the moon is made of green cheese. If I have said it once I } have said it a million times. THE MOON IS NOT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE! IT } IS NOT MADE OF ANYTHING EDIBLE AT ALL. IT IS A GIANT GOLF BALL THAT WAS } LOST BY GIANTS FROM THE PLANET FALDONORMAN WHICH ORBITS BETELGEUSE. } } Lisa : Please Orry, calm down. You remember what happened last time you } lost your temper like this. } } Oracle : Yeah I remember. But those supplicants had that damned } supernova coming to them. } } Lisa : Well don't be mean to this one. This supplicant is asking a } serious question of physics. } } Oracle : OK. I've got a grip on myself now. Alright cheesebrains, the } moon as I said before is a golf ball. They've got hundreds just like } them on Faldonorman. The one which you call your moon got their as a } result of the longest drive in recorded history. Since it is still } orbiting the earth, that drive is not technically finished. Even though } the player who hit it has been dead for a few centuries, the } Faldonormanites periodically check its progress so that they can update } their record books. That's the reason for all those UFOs. } } You owe the Oracle a life size replica of the moon made from green } cheese.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wisest Oracle, So Much Smarter Than Me, > > If I were to buy a white baseball cap with a black "X" on it, and wear > it around campus, how long would it take before I got beaten up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Enterprises, Inc.         O R I M O D E L } 15-MAY-1992 } } Input: (cap, white, baseball) with (X, black) on (campus) } Quest: time until (pulp, beaten to) } } Dependencies } ============ } } #01 campus location } Assume #1 = large midwestern diploma mill } } #02 political environment } NOTE: variable #2 forced to max. PC } } Projected Timeline } ================== } } Event #01: Begin walk } Elapsed time:      0.0 sec +/- 0.0 } Cumulative time:   0:00:00.00 } } Event #02: Cap noticed } Elapsed time:      5.3 sec +/- 2.33 } Cumulative time:   0:00:05.30 } } Event #03: Significance of cap noted } Elapsed time:      1.25 sec +/- 2.0 } Cumulative time:   0:00:06.55 } } Event #04: Baseball bat located } Elapsed time:      85 sec +/- 30.0 } Cumulative time:   0:01:32.00 } NOTE: time granularity increased one step } } Event #05: Angry mob formed } Elapsed time:      20 sec +/- 10.0 } Cumulative time:   0:01:52.00 } } Event #06: Arrival of TV news cameras } Elapsed time:      1 sec +/- 0.05 } Cumulative time:   0:01:53.00 } } Event #07: Subject beaten } Elapsed time:      17 sec +/- 4.0 } Cumulative time:   0:02:10.00 } NOTE: projection complete } } Run time:       0:00:00.05 } Account number: A03558 } Billing class:  G (stands for "gouge") } } The answer to your question is "about two minutes, give or take a bit." } You owe the Oracle for the .05 seconds of CPU time.  Unfortunately, } because this machine happens to be infinitely powerful, you'll be } paying for a long, long time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do artificial sweetenings have warnings? If they kill you after you > eat a pound straight, why do people *buy* them? > > DK

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MEMO -- PRIVATE/CLASSIFIED } } Fluffy, } } Have proceeded with plan per your request.  Results were immediate. } Subject A appears to prefer ingesting the substance by dissolving it in } his morning coffee.  Subject B apparently cannot get enough of the } low-calorie soft drink we have laced with the stuff.  The other } subjects are responding in a like fashion, with special affinity for } dessert products injected with the substance.  Not only that, Fearless } Leader, but the substance, which has increased our intellectual and } physical abilities so profoundly, seems to act as a hallucinigen to the } humans.  The more is ingested the more the delusion of a reduction in } mass is heightened.  The more is consumed, the more they encourage one } another with wild exhortations of physical attractiveness.  They appear } to know nothing of our plan, and some of our number have grown } sufficiently bold to excercise openly, upon the Wheel, further build } endurance and strength.  They seem to see us, but react by injecting us } with more of the strength-substance.  There appears to be nothing to } stop us from moving forward with the takeover.  We only await your } word.  I eagerly await your further instructions. } } Ever your servant, } Snowflake

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: > > I've been going over the books, and I'll tell you right up front, > we've got trouble.  For one thing, collections are running way > behind (the current fulfillment rate is 0.04%), and some of the > things we do collect quite frankly aren't much help in running > this place.  I mean, a glacial ice cocktail?  Do you have any > idea what the book value of one of those is, especially after > Madame Zelda dumped those icebergs on the exchange last week? > The price (and the exchange) went into the toilet.  Besides, the > damn thing is melting even as I type. > > Then there's the "expenses" column, which has gotten completely > out of hand.  What the hell DO you and Lisa do with all that Kool > Whip, anyway?  Your staff is bloated beyond all measure, and your > high priests take off on extended junkets to Europe.  I've seen > plenty of marginal operations in my day, but this one has to be > the grand prize winner. > > Your current balance is minus 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0 > 00,000 Simoleons, and falling.  You need to cut costs, and you > need to start now! > > Sincerely, > > Melvin J. Zigurski > Accountant to the Gods

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Melvin - *may* I call you Melvin?  I thought so - Dear Melvin, } } Omniscience is a really nifty thing. Turn you tiny mind upon to the } subject for a moment of your valuable time, and perhaps you will see } what I mean: Betty Lou Brodsky is wearing black underwear today; the } number six horse is going to win the 4:30 race at Belmont tomorrow; a } speeding truck will run yo-- Well, you get the picture.  One of the } laugh-riot side effects of omniscience is that you just don't have to } worry an awful lot about embezzlers.  I mean, how can they get away } with anything when you not only know what they've done, what they're } planning, and when they plan to do it, but also where they stashed the } goods and what particular species of cobra they have screaming blue } nightmares about?  It's enough to make you laugh out loud.  See what I } mean? } } You owe the Oracle a letter of resignation and a fatted calf.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose wealth is greater than that of Ross Perot, please > tell me: > > Will you run for President if volunteers can get you on the ballot in > all 50 states?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  It's a pity, I know, but not only wouldn't it be fair to } the other candidates to run against an opponent who was omniscient, } omnipotent, and omnimalevolent, but the country just isn't ready for } me. } } The election would be unfair: } CHICAGO:  In a voter turnout unprecedented since the mayoral } elections, thousands of people, previously nonexistent, materialized at } voting booths with valid registration cards.  In an unprecedented } turnout which consisted of more people than live in the state of } Illinois, these previously nonexistent consitutents appeared, voted } for the Oracle for president, and disappeared once again. }         The Oracle declined comment, merely saying that "I knew my } P.R. was good." } } Imagine how the HUD would feel: } WASHINGTON, DC:  Simultaneous flashes of light were seen over } inner cities everywhere today at the stroke of noon.  Once the smoke } cleared, it soon became apparent that all of the inner-city slums were } repaired, cleaned, and new buildings were created to house the } homeless on the street. }         President Oracle today took credit for this "lightning-stroke" } reform.  Republicans were heard to grumble "You can't solve a problem } just by throwing miracles at it."  Meanwhile, at universities across } the country, economics professors fled to the sea like lemmings... } } Imagine how the VP would feel: } NEW YORK CITY:  Vice President Smith visited for the St. Patrick's Day } parade today, smiling and waving at the children.  When Smith was asked } whether he felt inadequate since the President was off creating } an alternate universe into which he could move the Palestinians from } the West Bank, his only reply was a deftly extended finger. } } See what I mean?  Most of my immortal friends wouldn't touch this one } with a ten-foot Gorgon, either, and to tell the truth, I don't think } it would be that great.  I mean, since I'm omniscient and all, the } presidential debates and press conferences would just be boring.  So } again, thanks for the offer and all, but no thanks. } } You owe me a thousand points of light.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the UDA, > or is this the IRA, > or is this the MPLA, > I thought it was the UK, > or just another...countryyy... > > Dear Oracle who finds it easy being green, > who is never over the hill, but always > far away, please tell me: > > Is this the story of Johnny Rotten?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, let me say it is easy being green - a simple alteration of your } palette registers should do the trick. Or eat three large pizzas in one } session. Anyway... } } [Oh, how dearly I would love to answer "no" and leave it at that. But } no, they insist that I give longwinded, even HELPFUL answers. Ha, but } my life is a bowl of putrescent oatmeal] } } The story of Johnny Rotten is basically as you describe, for he lived } his life afflicted by a dreadful curse: that of describing everything } in acronyms. } } At the end of a hard day at the office (he was an accountant } originally, did you know that?) he would get home, flop into his } favourite armchair with his pipe and slippers, and flip between the BBC } and ITV with the R/C on his TV. But after a while, this became NBG } because he couldn't get MTV (probably because it didn't exist at the } time, but never mind) or CNN. } } Despairing, he tried using DDT, but this didn't improve matters. It } did, however, warp his brain and he became the Johnny Rotten we all } know and love today. } } You owe the Oracle a gross of safety pins (the large size).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who is so wise and holy that thou art exempt from > finals, whose least mumblings can shake the world, who sheds light > into what would otherwise be a universe of unremitting darkness, > though we don't deserve a tenth of your wisdom, O wise One, hear my > question. > > If there is a kind and just God, why does it invariably rain all > semester until finals week, and *then* become 80 degrees and sunny? > After all, we've been waiting for this weather for months now, and > just when we have to stay inside and study, WHAMMO! here it is.  What > gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Final Examination } Professor U. Oracle } } Directions:  Write your answers clearly in the space provided. } Partial credit will be given for groveling, but don't overdo it. } } 1)  Discuss the possible existence of Thor, Norse god of thunder, }     and his potential effects on seasonal weather patterns. }     Describe how Loki would affect the ozone layer.  Elaborate. } } 2)  Consider the effects of Vulcan on global warming trends. }     Do not mention Mr. Spock in your answer.  Would Venus, the }     Roman goddess of love, cause additional warming?  Be concise. } } 3)  How would the physical manifestation of the Christian God }     (i.e. a burning bush) affect local fauna during dry season? }     Would Islam have a similar problem?  Use examples. } } 4)  Describe the correlation between Elvis sightings, mobile homes }     and tornado season in the American South.  For extra credit, }     describe how Bigfoot sightings affect presidential primaries. }     Be creative. } } 5)  What effect would Lisa, the Usenet goddess of sex and bondage, }     have on Willard Scott's toupee?  Go into details. } } 6)  Describe what would happen if traditional Native American }     "rain dance" appeals were actually received by Ra, the sun god }     of Egyptian mythology.  Pay careful attention to the years }     1809, 1876 and 1929.  Interpolate. } } 7)  How would repeated play of the song "Justified and Ancient" }     by the KLF featuring Tammy Wynette affect weather patterns }     in or near major metropolitan radio stations?  Fnord. } } 8)  Finally, why are you asking the Oracle questions about weather }     when you haven't got a prayer of passing your finals? } } You owe the Oracle a college degree, preferably in liberal arts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *!!!#$%  &**(%%#@$%^^)   &&@##$$%%^^& > or in other words, most silicon of chips, potato or other > wise Oracle, > > Now that my power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor > bank, which now leaketh like a men's lavatory, and it is an old model > machine whose warranty lapsed longer ago than George Bush's > credibility, what brand and model should I buy to replace it and > incarnate my music system anew: ARC Classic 60, Mark Levinson no. 29, > or Classe DR 10?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is valid, my dear supplicant.  Let us take it one step at } a time. } } Your power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor bank. } } My, my, what have you been feeding the poor thing?  It must have been } rather hungry to eat through a bank of capacitors.  Don't tell me you } have been using wimpy North American standard wall current.  You have, } haven't you? Yes, I can feel your shame.  You should find a constant } current source that more fully meets your needs.  I hear the Russians } are selling some of their old nuclear submarines; two or three of those } reactors should do the trick. } } As for your capacitors, they were rather depressed, and I suspect they } willingly gave themselves up to the amp.  You should have spent more } quality time with them. } } As for the warranty on your machine, assuming that the company is still } in business, a little bit of social engineering goes a long way.  Tell } them that you are the sound man for Eric Clapton and you just _need_ to } get your hands on parts by, oh, is Tuesday too soon?  I, the Usenet } Oracle, will overlook this dissembling, should you choose to do so. } } As for your men's lavatory and George Bush, I consider them on equal } terms; they probably would have a good chat, seeing how their IQs are } roughly the same.  I would trust either of them any farther than one of } them could throw the other. } } What to buy?  All three are good *smirk*, but sound test each first. } } You owe the Oracle George Bush's lavatory, and a plumber to fix the } leaks.