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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's the chance of me answering my own question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Silly mortal!  That is left as an exercise to the reader (in most }     texts, anyway). } }     You owe the Oracle that book there on your left.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Uncle Ben wear a lacy bra when he was elected Demigod, but he > never wears it on converted rice packages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There were actually boxes of rice depicting scantily clad Ben shortly } after his election to demigod.  However, so many men were turned on by } the new packaging that they started to buy Uncle Ben's converted rice } as if it were going out of style.  This prompted other rice companies } to sue Uncle Ben, claiming that he was monopolizing the converted rice } industry.  After years of battling it out in the courts, Uncle Ben } finally relented, and the picture of Ben is as you see it today. } } Of course, this is not the first time a demigod has had trouble with } U.S. monopoly laws.  Both Betty Crocker and Mr. Clean have been sued } by their respective competition for changing their characters in an } attempt to blow the other companies away. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Betty Crocker chocolate brownie mix circa } 1970-72 (Betty's reign as demigod).  The boxes should be easy to spot; } Betty's head is shaved and a tattoo of Mr. Clean in a tutu is stamped } on her chest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a Certificate of Title (to a car) good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Child, } }       The Certificate of Title is an important document. } It can be redeemed for valuable prizes if the proper procedure is } followed.  For example, to recieve your very own Sea Monkey kit } (explore the exciting world of SEA MONKEYS - they frolic, play, } wage war and explore philosophy before your very eyes) simply sign } the back of the title certificate and mail it to: }               Oracle Auto Redemption Center }               P.O. Box 7783 }               100 Omniscience Square }               BufNowhere N.D. 11223 } } You don't owe the oracle anything...yet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people have these stuffed Garfield images stuck to their car > windows?  Why Garfield in particular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mind control.  The Powers that Be have ordained that stuffed Garfields } that cling to car windows by suction cups be popular, and consequently } they alter the psyches of randomly-selected folk to make them desire } such excrescences.  Therefore do not condemn people who have such things } -- their innermost selves have been corrupted against their wills.  You } could be next.  Nobody is immune.  The same holds true for a liking of } Smurfs or California Raisins (those big purple things that look like a } cross between turds and prunes) or, going further back, Berta Hummel } figurines and plates and Christmas ornaments (you know, the ones with } the idiotically cutesy little kiddie-like things that make kewpie dolls } look like Whitehead), J.  Dan.  Quayle...  The Oracle repeats:  nobody } is immune.  Nobody. } } You owe the Oracle a spunky little redhead with -- uh, uh ...  make that } one of those neato stuffed Garfield dolls that have suction cups on } their feet so that the Oracle can stick it to the rear window of his } vintage Chrysler Airflow sedan.  Yes, the Oracle really loves those!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, I have a problem. > In my neverending search for a good boyfriend, it has been impossible to > find one without some flaw, be it a drug addiction, or personality > trait.  I have been criticized for setting my goals too high. > > What do you consider important qualities of a good boyfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse the Oracle for a moment as he adjusts his gender...there, now, } she's ready to answer your question.  The problem is that we women value } a man's self-esteem disproportionally.  Men place too much weight upon a } woman's looks, expecting some Platonic connection between truth and } beauty.  They will forgive a woman anything if she is beautiful enough. } Idiotic, isn't it?  But women do the same for a man who really shows } confidence in himself.  The Oracle's sister has been treated very badly } by men, simply because she is attracted to self-satisfied men who exude } that aura of power. } } There are thousands of loving, kind-hearted, exciting men out there, } cruelly imprisoned behind nervous, geeky facades.  I suspect that any } really self- confident, charismatic man has become that way in order to } hide some flaw in his character.  You can take your choice:  the prince } who appears to be a toad, or the toad who appears to be a prince. } } The actor who plays the Beast on TV is deluged by fan mail from lonely } women who have fallen in love with his character.  they don't realize } that there are millions of real-life Beasts out there, but that their } deformities are not of the body but of the superficial personality. } } Indeed you do set your standards too high.  Go kiss some frogs. } Discover the romance of the man who appears less than he is. } Charismatic men usually disappoint, because they can rarely live up to } your expectations.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who Led Zeppelin to the stairway to heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Zombies, clad in Creme-coloured robes with linings of Deep Purple, } Led Zeppelin on to the Jefferson Airplane, where they flew higher than } Byrds.  The were Goin' to California, but crashed near the river Styx, } amongst the Stones. } } "Are you Grateful, Dead?" asked the guide.  "Yes." they replied.  So it } was he who took them the rest of the way, across Abbey Road, where they } stopped to hear Sgt.  Peppers Lonley Hearts Club Band. } } You owe the Oracle the Beatles, CD boxed set.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH great and mighty Oracle, > >   What will be the answers on my next test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} true or false: true, false, true, true, false, true, false, false, true } } multiple guess: A, B, A, C, A, D, A, B, A } } fill in:  George Washington, Cheyanne, 1814, cotton djinn, Socrates, }  Linda Ronstadt, Salt Lake City, Napolean, Ramesis II, Usenet Oracle, }  Billy the Kid, Beethovan, Joan of Arc, George Carlin, 1-900-990-DUDE } } essay:  This question is a perfect example of a reason to get knowledge. }  By learning the answer to this question, it is possible to become a }  better person, not only at school, but in real life also.  For it is }  this kind of question and answer action/reaction which makes higher }  learning possible.  Only by learning the answer will we be able to }  answer this question. } } Unfortunately, these are your bonehead answers and not the correct ones. } You fail the test most heinously and are sent to military school by your } father who is tired of supporting a deadbeat waste product like you. } This all but destroys your chances of ever forming a most triumphant } band like Wyld Stallions and getting Eddie Van Halen to play in your } awesome video. } } You owe the Oracle air guitar lessons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Mondays horrible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mondays are horrible by decree of Zeus -- the Greek God of allergies. } Zeus started out as a young child in 2000BC (Before Creation) with only } a few abilities.  He could make people sneeze when he walked by, make } their eyes puff up when he stuffed milkweed up their noses and cause } itching through excessive scratching.  As he grew, his powers became } more, well, powerful, until he was able to induce sneezing by exposing } people to sunlight after spending all day in front of a computer } terminal, cause severe rashes with only a turtle-neck sweater and cause } peoples eyes to swell at the sight of a "Playboy" magazine.  His latest } projects have been to make women allergic to pregnancy (You didn't think } that swelling was natural, did you?).  His masterpiece, however, was to } make people allergic to something they couldn't smell, touch, taste, } hear or even see -- Mondays.  It was this accomplishment that won him } the Aurum Award for most creative God. } } So, when you get up in the morning and your mouth tastes terrible and } itches, your feet feel like you've been playing hopscotch in the } cornfields and your hands look like their on backwards, it's a Monday. } } You owe the Oracle a three-day weekend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this soup doing in my fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You left your fly unzipped and spilled soup in your lap.  Doing } this repeatedly with hot soup can cause temporary sterility, and } is therefore a (somewhat unreliable) method of birth control.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this thing hanging from the back of my neck??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} put your hand behind your head and slowly grab the hanging object.  Run } your fingers to its tip.  Now feel the end - if it has two long rows of } holes your RS-232 cable has come loose, and you are in eminent danger of } being auto logged off.  If it has one small circle of prongs you are a } mouse, and shouldn't be on Usenet in the first place.