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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked > like the following: > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO > > ESC    ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ +     <X|    FIND INS RMV  F1 F2 F3 F4 >        ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - =            SEL  PRV NXT   7  8  9  - > TAB     Q W E R T Y U I O P { }     RETURN        ^        4  5  6  , >         q w e r t y u i o p [ ]                 < V >      1  2  3 > LOCK     A S D F G H J K L : " |                           0  .  ENTER >          a s d f g h j k l ; ' \                 HOME > SHIFT   > Z X C V B N M , . ?       SHIFT        FEED >         < z x c v b n m , . / > CTRL >       FUNCT  S_P_A_C_E    BACKSPACE > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > What is it good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By itself, not much.  You need to find something to } plug it into.  Here are some things to look for: } }     _____________________________________________ }    /                                             \ }    |   _______________________________________   | }    |  /                                       \  | }    |  | C:\> _                                |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  \_______________________________________/  | }    |                                  o o o      | }    \_____________________________________________/ }  ___________________________________________________ } |                                 | _________p___ | | } |  O = o o =     =============    |_______________| | } |                =============    |   _________ _ | | } |  ===========================    |_______________| | } |  ===========================    |               | | } |  IBM                            |_______________| | } |___________________________________________________| } } With this machine you can play Tetris, raise and breed } computer viruses, and format your hard disk. } }     _____________________________________________ }    /                                             \ }    |   _______________________________________   | }    |  /_______________________________________\  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |        _______________________        |  | }    |  |       |                       |       |  | }    |  |       | Welcome to Macintrash |       |  | }    |  |       |_______________________|       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  |                                       |  | }    |  \_______________________________________/  | }    |     ,                               __      | }    \____()_______________________________________/ }  ___________________________________________________ } |__________________________________________==_______| } | ----------------------------------                | } |     ,                                             | } |    () ..... II..                                  | } |___________________________________________________| } } With this machine you can watch pretty fireworks 95% of } the day, hear a monkey scream every time you point at } something, and not have to worry about running GNU } software. } }   ____________________________________________ }  /                                            \ }  |   _______________________________          | }  |  /                               \  -----  | }  |  | login: _                      | | EDT | | }  |  |                               |         | }  |  |                               |         | }  |  |                               |         | }  |  |                               |         | }  |  |                               |         | }  |  |                               | digital | }  |  |                               |  VT100  | }  |  \_______________________________/         | }  |                                            | }  \____________________________________________/ } } With this machine, you can send horrible insults to } total strangers halfway around the globe, uudecode } filthy GIF pictures, and remove your home directory. } }  _____________________________________________ } /                                             \ } |   _______________________________________   | } |  /.......................................\  | } |  |.......................................|  | } |  |......................=--xlogo--==.....|  | } |  |......................| \\     / |.....|  | } |  |.....=--------xterm---|  \\   /  |.....|  | } |  |.....| $ _            |   \\ /   |.....|  | } |  |.....|                 ----------......|  | } |  |.....|                         |.......|  | } |  |.....|_________________________|.......|  | } |  \_______________________________________/  | } |                                     NCD     | } \_____________________________________________/ } } With this machine, you can display filthy GIF pictures, } waste 3 megabytes of your host's memory waiting for new } email, and play Tetris (if the network's not too slow). } } You owe the Oracle four new arrow keys.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If, as you insist, oh Oracle most knowledgeable, my Deskjet 500C is > indeed outranked by both my 486/33 and my choice of only the best of > Windows operating-systems running on the PC platform today, then how > am I to get colour prints without investing megabucks in colour laser > technology? Hmmmm...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CRAYONS!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, educator of the sages.  I beseech you to share > some of your wisdom!  Magnificent one, it is commonly known that there > is more than one way to skin a cat.  How many ways are there, and which > one of them is the best?  References would be greatly appreciated, > especially ones with illistrations. > > My humblest thanks, > A Cat Lover

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are 73 ways to skin a cat, but most of them differ only in the } color of the knife and the flavor of the marinade.  If one factors out } these minor variations, there are 19 distinct methods.  Categorizing } any one of them as "best" is nearly impossible.  The Oracle can do it, } of course, but will base the ranking on a choice of your priorities. } Illustrations can be obtained in a variety of GIF formats by anonymous } ftp from archive.aspca.com. } } Neatest Way to Skin a Cat: Break the cat's neck, and toss it into a } deep-freeze for several months.  Skin it with a carrot peeler.  Use } long, even strokes. } } Fastest Way to Skin a Cat: Sand-blasting. } } Most Humane Way to Skin a Cat: Let the cat die of old age after a life } filled with the joys of companionship, reproduction, frequent feedings, } and warm cuddles of an evening.  Bury the cat tastefully in an } expensive pet cemetary adorned with shade trees and flowering plants. } Mourn without excess.  After 20 or 30 years, the cat's skin is likely } to be mostly gone. } } Most Appalling Way to Skin a Cat: Cut one long incision along the cats } back from just behind the ears to the base of the tail.  Separate the } skin from the body on either side of the incision with a blunt knife. } Remove strips around the cat's body with paper scissors, rubbing the } exposed flesh liberally with salt.  Warning: Remember to extract the } claws and teeth with a sturdy pair of pliers before beginning; if not, } be prepared for a vigorous struggle. } } You owe the Oracle a leopard-skin rug and a full-length lynx coat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle, keeper of the feared Lisa, please tell me. . > > Is Lisa married and if not, will she marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [BEEP] } } Hi!  This is the Usenet Oracle.  I'm sorry, but I'm out of town right } now with my lovely mistress Lisa.  You may press <9> to return to the } main menu at any time.  If you are dialing in from a touch tone ph- } } [BEEP] } } The Usenet Oracle's brain-teaser of the day.  You may press <9> to } return to the main menu at any time.  Today's brain teaser is: "Spot } the <ZOT> button!" } } If you are sending a question about the future, please press <1>. } If you are wondering about the present, please press <2>.  If you have } a question about the past, please press <3>.  If you are proposing to } Lisa, please press <4>.  If you are a hard-line dictator of a Soviet } successor state, please press <5>.  If you have sent mail to the wrong } address, please press <6>.  If you think the Oracle is a great and } wondrous being and have sent mail for the "Oracluarism of the Day", } please press <7>.  If you think that the Oracle is a big fat slug and a } waste of good electricity, please press <4>.  If you have forgotten the } pre-requisite grovel, the <4> will be pressed for you at this tim- } } [ZOT] } } You owe The Oracle a new telephone and a promise not to ever even } *think* about Lisa again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM* > > *gasp* > > Oh Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of Rico?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Siskel:       Now this, for me, was one of the finer scenes of the }       movie.  This final quote from the alien (speaking, of course, to }       Sigourney Weaver) truly makes this film one of the great }       classics.  I give it a thumbs up. } } Ebert:        Maybe, but I found this scene to be entirely too }       derivative of another film, "Wayne's World."  This sudden }       fascination with Edward G. Robinson impressions frightens me, }       although I admit that he looked enough like an alien that this }       film makes it work.  I'll give it a half a thumb and a wad of gum }       from the bottom of my chair. } } Siskel:       Okay, after the commercial break, we'll take a look at }       two of the summer's box office smashes, "Batman Returns a Gift to }       K Mart" and "The Adventures of the Oracle and Lisa in the Land of }       Forbidden Playtex Products."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who can transfer heat without a change in > temperature, > > Are there any other laws of thermodynamics we don't know about yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I am not really supposed to tell you this, but there *are* many, } many laws of thermodynamics that you lowly mortals have yet to } discover, and I, the Oracle, am fully aware of.  Here is a small sample } of what you have yet to discover : } } Law #345 : It takes CheezeWhiz exactly 45.6 seconds to become heated to } 89 degrees Centigrade regardless of the model microwave used.  Energy } is never conserved. } } Law #67 : When two stars collide, things get really hot. } } Law #666 : Your car's engine will only overheat if you are more than } 100 miles away from a gas station or other servicing facility. } } Law #42 : Any question regarding thermodynamics posed in a textbook can } be answered by taking the fifty-fifth root of the page number and then } multiplying it by the number of atoms in the textbook, and then taking } the imaginary root, and then adding one. } } Law #999 : There is NO Law #999! } } Law #876 : The amount of energy released when your house burns down is } exactly equivalent to the amount of energy your brain consumes in the } following hour of frenzy. } } So, as you can see, there are many,many laws you have yet to discover. } Just make sure you never discover Law #12, since I have computed a } 99.998 % probability that all of mankind will cease to exist if it is } figured out. Skip over it and work on #13 instead.  Your friendly } neighborhood physicist, the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a perpetual motion machine that runs backwards.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Australia, 2015. Sometime after the Oil Wars. > > Cooper's Folly. The last town before Hell's alley. > >    Here, the truckers mingle with the gangs that prey on them. The > smell of gasoline and cordite waft in the air. In the town's only pub, > cybered truckers with shotguns glare stonily at the new barbarians. > They don't ask your name here. The desperate, the guilty come here. And > those that hunt them. > >    The scene: Inside the pub. It's been a good night, only two deaths > so far. But there is tension in the air. No man here can afford to back > down, and everyone carrys a weapon. Or they're dead already. > >    The door bursts open. Heads turn to face it, and eyes widen as they > see the dark shadow of The Oracle. The Oracle, most feared of the > bounty-hunters ! He strides into the room, his cold eyes scanning > backwards and forwards like an autocannon. His squeeze, Lisa, leans > against the doorway, blocking any way out for the guilty. No-one messes > with Lisa, fastest gun in the outback. What she can do with a whip > brings tears to the eyes of any man. > >    The Oracle spies his target. The other gangers at the table scramble > to get out of his way as he strides towards his quaking target. He > prods the begrimed fugitive with his shotgun, and growls in his > gravelly voice: > > "Thimon Thmith the Theep Thmuggler ? I have a warrent for your arretht

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The silence is deafening.  The man many have described as the nastiest } piece of dog poo on the shoe of society slowly lays down his cards and } shifts his cigarette stub to the other corner of his mouth.  He looks } up. Sure enough, there is Warren just behind Lisa holding the } handcuffs.  The Oracle fixes the lowlife with a steely glare.  Warren } hefts the cuffs. Lisa hopes he doesn't drop them, they are her favorite } set. } } The chair scrapes unimaginable things off the floor as it slides slowly } backwards. } } He rises. } He turns. } He opens his mouth. } He takes a big breath... } } -=*<POW>*=- !!  Nobody even saw her move.  Little is left to show for } the encounter except for a strangely twisted and very still shape on } the floor, and the fading imprint of five fingers on the luscious curve } of Lisa's glorious tribute to mammalianism.  The Oracle shakes his head } ruefully. } } "You know, it'th a thtrange thing, I lotht my front teeth the thame } way. The liketh it if you athk firtht."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, > whose signal processor catches all signals, even kill -9, > whose hard disks are so hard not even diamonds will scratch them, > whose floating point unit floats a point 10000 km upriver, > whose keyboard's keys unlock every door, > > why do all those clueless idiots assume that Karl Marx was Russian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Karl Who ? } }    Oh him ! He's not Russian. In fact, as has been assumed by many a BA } student, he was the fifth Marx Brother. } }    Unfortunatly, his greatest joke was taken seriously, and Lenin et al } attempted to build a society on it. } }    The last Russian who had a sense of humor was Rasputin, as shown in } his immortal line "Cathy, am I man enough for you ?". So they shot him. } The world, having perceived "Das Capital" as the most boring book since } the Icelandic translation of the Bible, rather than the comic } masterpiece it is, naturally assumed the author was Russian. } }    You owe the Oracle the version of "Das Capital" with the neat } cartoons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O noble Oracle! Oracle whose phlegm I am not fit to see! > > Do women write on bathroom walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shall we take a look ? } } KILROY WAS HERE, BUT WE CASTRATED HIM. } THE ORACLE, WHAT A MAN ! } IF THEY CAN SEND ONE MAN TO THE MOON, WHY NOT THEM ALL ? } LISA YOU'RE ONE LUCKY BITCH ! } I WANTED TO HAVE A CHILD NOT MARRY ONE ! } 12 INCHES I TELL YOU ! THAT ORACLE REALLY IS A GOD ! } PMT IS NOW A DEFENSE FOR MURDER. JUST THOUGHT Y'ALL WOULD WANT TO KNOW. } }    So there you have it. Not only do they write on walls, but there are } a few examples of their scribblings. Why, I bet - } } >> Orrie, I heard the strangest rumor. You were caught in the female }    bathrooms by one of the guards with a pen in hand. How do you }    explain that ? } }    Umm, you see, Lisa, it was like this... } } You owe the Oracle a good excuse. Quick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE stop WHOSE SWEAT-SOCKS I AN UNFIT TO WASH > WITH MY TONGUE stop PLEASE ANSWER ME THIS:stop > WWHY DID WESTERN UNION BUY MY E-MAIL SERVER?stop

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OH SUPPLICANT stop BECAUSE THE ILLUMINATI TOLD THEM TO stop AND UNLESS } YOU PREVENT THEM THEY'LL TAKE OVER THE INDIANA SITE AS W--- } } <line noise> } <message unable to be completed> } <please submit question (fnord) again>