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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who wrote the Book of Mormon, and where can I get a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The book of Mormon was orginally written by Joseph Smith, founder of the } Mormon church.  What most people DON'T know, however, is that what is } today known as the book of Mormon bears little resemblance to the } orginal. } } It seems that Smith was not the stern, God-fearing man he is thought to } be.  In fact, just prior to taking his flock to Utah, Smith spent about } six months in Jamaica, where, in a drug-crazed orgy, he hit upon his } central philosphy:  "More, Mon!!" By that, he meant, "more dope, more } women, more booze" etc.  In actuallity, Mormons used to be real party } animals.  Alas, they started to mainstream when Utah became a state, and } went a little to far to become "decent folk" The last holdout was } polygamous marriages, the only way a guy could acceptably hold an orgy } in this country. } } They knew a good thing when they had it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where did the name 'pussy' come from (as applied to vaginas)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrgh, now it's trivia.  Look it up in a good dictionary that gives } etymologies even of dirty words.  The Oracle does not exist as a general } information service.  You may not realize this, but in order to answer } questions, the Oracle must undergo a metamorphosis into a form suitable } to the question being asked.  For deep philosophical questions, the } Oracle becomes a bearded guru, for silly questions, a copy of John } Cleese or Graham Chapman or the like.  For reference-desk questions, the } Oracle has to become Miss Primm the reference librarian, and it's no fun } assuming the form of a pop-eyed spinster with halitosis, a tight girdle, } and unrequited lust for young male students, not to mention...oh never } mind. } } One common explanation is that the 'pussy' is held to resemble a cat } (the term 'beaver' has a similar origin).  Obvious.  Now ask something } deep and philosophical so that I can get out of this stupid form.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this spoon doing in my butt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  I fear that you have an infestation of the blue grodies. } Blue grodies, who are distant relatives of blue meanies (but much } smaller) live in your clothing and do disgusting things to, for, and } with your body.  Your infestation seems to be involved in eating your } feces, and some of their silverware got stuck; this is typical of blue } grodie attitude.  I recommend Grodie-Off, a product commercially } available in most good pet supply stores.  If you don't get the grodies } removied soon, they may start holding parties inside your bladder, or } moving their mobile homes (they live in mobile homes) into your nostrils } so that they can have hto and cold running mucus. } } Yuck. } } You owe the oracle a barf bag.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a bergulb, and why is it following me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bergulb is a land mammal, green, approximately fifteen feet long, } twelve feet wide, and seven feet high.  It has long slimy tentacles } ranging in number from twenty to well over one hundred, depending on } how many different species it has slept with.  It is following you } because it's hungry.  Very hungry.  You can try to run, but I suspect } that will prove futile; bergulben are very swift creatures, and this } one seems intent on making YOU it's next dinner. } } You might be able to survive the ordeal by dropping your pants, } bending over, and shouting "Take me, you big green monster!"  Since } this particular bergulb has never made it with a human, it would find } the experience infinitely more pleasurable than consuming you whole. } } Make sure to use plenty of K-Y, and for crying out loud, wash the } sheets when the two of you are done. } } You owe the Oracle the last twelve back issues of Perverts and Weirdos } Digest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, I beseech you, hear my confession! > I have deceived the lovely Lisa into thinking that she was the only > woman in my life.  Be the truth known, I have masturbated while > looking at a picture of Barbara Bush, and have enjoyed it.  Lisa does > not yet know.  Whatever shall I tell her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell Lisa... } } Tell Lisa... } }  |\ }  | } O|  Tell Lisa I love her... } } (Oh, so you don't like my singing, eh?) } } } Tell her that you were working on a special project for the }       adminstration on sex education for low-literacy }       populations, requiring intense amounts of research. }       You can claim particular emphasis on the safest kind }       of sex of all.  Note, however, that this excuse will }       also be useful should you ever get a date with the }       Silver Fox. } } Now, get back to work.  You have research to perform, and I, }       the USENET Oracle have better things to do than }       masturbate to sticky photos of the First Lady. }       Oracles don't masterbate, and when we do, we use }       photos of real Greeks, like that flight attendant }       that the Greek Prime Minister found.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get my girlfriend to stop having sex with all her former > boyfriends and girlfriends??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the girl is fornicating with FORMER mates, its clear that sex is } the only thing she lacks in her relationship with YOU.  You should feel } proud that you are able to offer her fulfillment in many other ways.  In } the meantime, she'll always seek sexual fulfillment OUTSIDE your } relationship.  But you can take steps to limit her roving body...  if } you can't satisfy your woman, the Oracle can!  Have her send a short } bio, measurements, an ASCII-graphics photo and her address to } oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.  In a few days you may notice a change in } her behavior, and she may walk a little funny. } } You owe the Oracle one pack of condoms, extra-large.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if I'm REALLY in love with my girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's very easy.  You are not really in love with your girlfriend.  You } are, in fact, in love with the following people: } }   1. *My* girlfriend.  (Like everyone else, regardless of sex.) } }   2. Lisa (Again, like everyone else, regardless of sex.) } }   3. Tarzan.  This is kinky, I know, but you have this secret hidden }      desire to see what's under that animal skin. } }   4. Pope John Paul II.  This is seriously kinky, but you've wanted to }      "poke a pope" since you were beaten repeatedly for playing with }      yourself back in fourth grade in the Catholic school.  (I know, I }      know, you've repressed all your memories of that school.  You think }      you went to a public school in Indiana.  No such luck.  If you had, }      you'd want to screw Marlon Brando.) } }   5. Sigmund Freud.  I do not know about this one.  Probably he just }      told you that you had repressed desires, and you want to show him }      just what he should have meant. } }   6. Liz Taylor.  Guess you're bi, not gay.  But you're not a sane puppy }      anyways. } } You owe the Oracle two kiwis and a dead lymphocyte.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Three supernatural figures just appeared in my cave and tried to murder > me.  Why?  Who?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, the Oracle suggests that you calm down.  They were only } ghosts, and quite incapable of doing any harm to you.  They will } probably reappear, but if you insult them and show that you're not } afraid, they will eventually stop bothering you. } } Your cave was the site of a triple murder.  (By the way, the Oracle } commends you on your choice of domicile.  Caves are cool in the summer } and warm in the winter, and make great wine cellars to boot.  The Oracle } used to live in a cave Itself.) The three ghosts seek revenge on their } murderer.  You recall the old limerick about the ``...hermit named Dave/ } Who kept a dead whore in a cave...''?  Well, it was _your_ cave, and the } ghosts are the immortal remains of a contingent of the local _Ad Hoc_ } Citizens' Group Against Necrophilia, who came up to Dave's Cave in order } to take away the corpse of the dead whore and give it what used to be } called Christian burial.  Dave was understandably peeved, there was a } quarrel, and Dave killed the visitors with two blasts of his } over-and-under shotgun. } } See, even supernatural happenings are easy to understand if you know the } causes.  Aren't you glad you've got the Oracle to explain it all?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend lives across the ocean in Paris.  We are thinking of > engaging in phone sex.  Can she get pregnant with phone sex?  Are there > phone condoms?  Can this be done as a conference call with friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, she can get pregnant through phone sex.  In fact, many hapless } women are phone-raped because they stay on the line too long during } anonymous phone calls.  The old-fasioned heavy-breathing obscene call } cannot cause pregnancy, but modern ones can.  Phone condoms are not yet } available, because coitus interruptus is a 100%-effective method of } phone-birth-control -- simply hang up just before climax (which puts } only the tiniest dent in your fun) and there's no danger of pregnancy. } Conference calls can be used for phone orgies.  Another advantage is } that, as far as anyone knows, there are no PSTDs (phone-sexually } transmitted diseases). } } Phone sex has a great future.  Telephones equipped with vocoders are now } available, which can change the user's voice.  Get one of these and make } yourself into a great hulking stud for your girlfriend's delight.  Or if } you're really weird, get her one as well, and you can become the woman } and she the man -- but be sure to hang up in time because _you_ can get } pregnant this way.  And because you don't have a womb, the fetus will } implant on your omentum, which can be nasty.  Even aborting it will } require an abdominal operation. } } The delays in a transatlantic connection do tend to render phone sex } less pleasurable.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you agree with the following quote?  Explain.  For extra credit name > the author and when it was said: > > I believe in this, > And its been tested by research. > Those who fuck nuns > later join the church. > > This question is worth 50 points, since the quote is so wierd.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The quote is basically accurate.  Only two words are incorrect ("fuck" } was originally "screw", and "research" was originally "science".  The } second was changed pretty fast, because it didn't rhyme otherwise.)