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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Lisa!  Over here! > > "Come on Lisa, don't make me wait, > You Olympus girls start much too late > And sooner or later it comes down to fate, > I might as well be the one, > 'Cause only the Oracle dies young." > >                     Signed, >                     Billy Joel, Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I went down to the Usenet mailstop, } 'Cause my newsfeed was feelin' ill, } I was standing in line with Mr. Joel, } Who was puttin' the moves on my girl. } } You can't always get what you want, } You can't always get what you want, } But if you touch my gal, } It's curtains, pal, } You'll get fricasseed. } } K A - * Z O T *   (*crackle*) } } You owe The Oracle a Rosary.  On second thought, make it a Novena.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, you almighty one... > >         Can you please tell your humble supplicant where I can >         find the "Losers quide to the life, 2nd Edition". I have >         tried all local libraries and nobody seems to even have >         heard of such. Well, neither have I... But I'd surely >         like to find it. Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regrets to inform you that `The Loser's Guide to Life' is } out of print, and has been ever since the publisher (Loose Concepts } Inc, of New Texas, Mars) lost both the .dvi file and their copy of } LaTeX to an unexpected disc crash three years ago.  If you have a copy } of LaTeX, please send it to l.hooser@lossage.com.mars. } } However they have been able to piece together a few entries.  You may } find the following items of interest: } } tea: This is not a losers drink.  Losers drink diluted Marmite. }      Sometimes they spill it over their keyboards. } }      Only winners drink tea.  Real winners drink Earl Gray hot. } } art: You can always tell a loser by the art they put on their walls. } }                      Losers:                 Winners: }      Kids:           ABBA posters.           Exploded diagrams of }                                              Concorde. }      Students:       ABBA posters.           Escher prints. }      Singles:        Nothing.                Escher prints. }      Married:        Losers are never        Original oils by local }                      married long enough.    artists. }      Divorced:       New Kids On The Block   Nothing (Winners never }                      posters (to impress     get divorced. }                      their new S.O.). } } hobbies: Losers have lots of hobbies, but they all have one aim: to }        meet the opposite sex.  Men who take woodwork or car }        maintenance classes are beseiged by loosing women.  Similarly }        a woman unwise enough to set foot in the local fitness club }        will spend all her time fending off tacky pick-up lines. } }        Winners go hang-gliding or rock climbing, or some other sport }        with enough danger to filter out all the losers that infest }        everyday life. } } exams: Losers hate exams because they always come last.  Winners love }        them because they always come first. } }        Losers never cheat, because they know they are bound to get }        caught and coming bottom is better than being expelled. } }        Winners never cheat.  They could if they wanted to, but passing }        honestly is less work and more fun. } }        Its the kids in the middle who cheat. } } success: You don't have to be a winner to succeed, but it helps. }        Despite this, there are some losers who have made it big. }        Three of them are Robert Maxwell, Sir Clive Sinclair and R. }        Buckminster-Fuller.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain as near as I can tell must be bigger than > anything, even the Goodyear blimp, who says really really clever things > the likes of which most of the folks around here couldn't make up if we > tried with both hands, who could lick his weight in dobermans if'n you > was to get riled enough, I have a question. > > Is it just me, or do other people find smileys (e.g. :-) > somewhat condescending and rather irritating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You bet I can lick my weight in Dobies!  And if my date is really cute, } I can lick my weight...uh, maybe later. } } It's just you.  Most people find ASCII faces (including smileys) to be } cute and creative.  Which is not to say that they are, mind you.  Some } of them will, in fact, reveal hidden Satanic codes when read backwards. } } They are also flame-retardant, i.e., the presence of a :) at the end of } a BBS post says to the reader:  LISTEN, YOU HUMOR-IMPAIRED INBRED } LOSER, THIS WAS ONLY A JOKE, I'M NOT SERIOUS, QUIT PLAYING WITH } YOURSELF AND LIGHTEN UP, BONEHEAD. } } You owe the Oracle and ASCII centerfold.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most hygienic Oracle! > What does that lint between my toes consist of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       One of the standard demonstrations about large number is that } given this many atoms of oxygen in our lungs at any given time, this } estimate of the number of atoms in the atmosphere, etc... the chances } are about 50-50 that at any given moment, we will have in our lungs an } atom exhaled by Julius Caesar in his dying breath ("Et tu, Brute?" } <dies>). }       Often omitted in such discussions is more prosaic but } statistically more interesting substances than oxygen.  For instance, } outer surface of the Pyramid of Giza is entirely responsible for all the } dust that accumulates in the air filter for the little fan in the back } of your computer.  Likewise, ear wax is composed of the oil that was } poured into the river when the Romans sacked Carthage, mixed with the } ashes created when the Great Fire of London occured. }       So, the lint between your toes is 9/10 the dust from the burning } of the Great Library of Alexandria, and 1/10 the brain of Dan Quayle (it } was really quite large and useful until the aliens stole it at the age } of 2.  But the government shot the flying saucer down and the brain was } atomized in the crash.  Poor Dan). } }       You owe the Oracle the rest of the Catalog to the Great Library } of Alexandria.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, I've got some really interesting pictures of Lisa > gamboling friskily with a herd of leather-clad satyrs, taken > last Friday night when she was supposed to be at Arachne's > knitting party.  If you can somehow manage to get me Ross > Perot's credit card number, I may be persuaded to conveniently > "lose" the photos *and* the negatives before my appointment > with reporters from the Acropolis Advocate.  Meet me behind the > bath house at midnight.  No questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, my, how CLEVER for one so young.  And so ENTERPRISING.  You seem } like a smart mortal, and I'll bet you're quite perceptive, too. } } (Crowds of priests and acolytes, who recognize The Oracle's sweet, } indulgent tone of voice as one of the primary danger signals, scurry } for whatever cover can be found.  Besides, there was that disturbing } stress on the word "mortal.") } } QUITE perceptive, I'm sure.  Look over there.  See that building? } Yes, that's the one, the main offices of the _Advocate_.  Notice } that strange glow coming from the editor's office?  Observe how it } seems to spread, filling more of the building, glowing brighter, } until finally.... } } *** BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM *** } } (A loud, rolling explosion rattles windows all the way from Athens } to Thessaloniki.  When the cloud clears, no trace of the building } remains.  There is a puddle at the supplicant's feet.) } } Oh dear, looks like you had a little accident.  Well, I hope you } enjoyed that display?  I trust it will prove ... INSTRUCTIVE. } } "No questions," you said, and in fact you didn't ask any, but I'll } give you a few answers anyway. } } One: I know about Arachne's little party.  Look closely at the third } satyr from the left in the picture you're holding in your trembling } little paw.  Look familiar?  Look again.  Heh, heh.  Our little } joke, you understand. } } Two: Ross Perot doesn't use or need a credit card.  If he wants a } thing from a company, he buys it.  Not the thing, the company.  For } instance, right now he wants a thing called "the Presidency."  Once } every four years, this thing is for sale by a company called "We, } the people."  Contenders bid not only money (and lots of it, } brother!), but mostly promises and whatever soothing palaver the } shareholders of "We, the people" want to hear.  Mr. Perot } understands this, and talks as good a game as any candidate.  He } does not seem to understand the name of the company, but then, } neither do most of the shareholders. } } Three: Never, EVER try to pull a fast one on an omniscient being. } Now begone! } } You owe The Oracle your miserable life.  And a set of 8x10 glossies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, master of all knowledge both common and arcane, > walker of all the roads that a man must go down, please honour > this unworthy supplicant with the answer to this burning question: > >       Last night I had this terrible dream.  I was in the middle of > this big crowd in this really wacky countryside scene.  Then this > incredible LOUD voice boomed out, > >               WHERE IS WALDO? > >       So I ask my question (well, three questions actually): > >       * Just what is the significance of this dang dream? > >       * So where IS Waldo? > >       * Who the _heck_ is Waldo anyway? > >       1048576 thanks, mighty one.  Cheerio.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Waldo.  Up to his old tricks again, I see. } } His true name is Ensconso.  Yes, the greek god of hiding.  For a } millenia he has traveled the globe, picking up things and hiding them. } Being as you are, a mortal, I feel certain that you have on several } occasions been unable to locate something that only a moment ago was } *right* *here*.  That's Waldo, at it again. } } Especially with socks. } } Recently he was experimenting with ways to hide himself, and more } recently still he is working on techniques to hide publishing income } from the IRS. } } Where is Waldo?  Unfortunately this is answer is constantly changing. } At the time you posed your question, he was ordering something called } a "Derailer" at a pub in downtown Spokane.  Just now he is in a } lawyer's office preparing some sort of poisoning suit.  He's kind of a } ramblin guy. } } Ah, and the significance of the dream.  Most likely it means that Waldo } visited you recently and hid something of yours.  Perhaps a pen, book, } or a Chevrolet?  Look in the hamper. } } Or, it could just be an indication of latent homosexuality. } } You owe the Oracle . . . now where did I put that list?  Damn, I hate } it when this happens.  I'll have to get back to you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Usenet Oracle > >    This is a chain e-mail message. If you do not send copies of this to > ten of your friends you will be cursed with seven years bad luck. > >                       Yours sincerely > >                       Heinz Bloggshardt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Victim } } This is a chain e-mail threat.  If you do not send copies of this } message to ten of your soon-to-be enemies, you will be reduced } to a pile of smoldering ash over a period of 48 hours while writhing } in extreme agony (bad luck, that). } }                       Cordially } }                       High Executioner to the Usenet Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh big, big Oracle, > who cares even for the tiniest particles in the universe! > > I am a proton. And you see, there is nothing I hate more than being > smashed against other protons in one of these big nasty particle > accelerators! > Now, can you tell me what I can do about that? I have been drafted > for the SSC. And I fear that if they are not building it, they will > collide us elsewhere. > On the other hand, I fear I might lose my job - I have to care for > a neutron and we have a lovely little electron together! > What if my fellow protons of which the accelerator is built, went on > strike? >                   + > Yours sincerely, p

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No!  No!  No!  Solidarity is the answer!  Find 237 of your friends, } and go nuclear!  When their chromosomes start to fall apart, they'll } treat you with the respect you deserve. } } "There is power in a union..." } } You owe the Oracle a date with your neutron.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, of pleasing proportions and interesting texture, to > whom I am no more than one of those little invisible bugs that chews on > your nostril hairs ('your' being used here in the general sense, not > meaning to apply to the Great Oracle, who is above any bodily > parasites, benign or otherwise), I am in dire need of an answer. > > Is that thing hovering behind me a really a shoggoth? I haven't turned > around yet to look (in case it is) but it sort of looms over me in that > shoggoth-y way and it has a smell like semi-decomposed radioactive > slime.  I've tried asking people around the office but when they see it > they scream and run away, or just fall down. It doesn't seem to be > upset if I type, so I thought I'd ask you. > > So, um, is it really a shoggoth, or is someone playing a practical joke > on me? What does a shoggoth want with me? Is thewre any way for someone > in my situation to deal with it appropriately (by which I mean, > preserving my life and sanity)? > > Thank you for listening, O great and Noble Oracle, and please hurry > because I have to take a major leak...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle reminds you of the ancient aphorism: } }   ``If it looms like a shoggoth, smells like a shoggoth and scares }     people like a shoggoth, then it's probably a shoggoth.'' } } since taken over and corrupted to the more common and slightly less } accurate version concerning waterfowl that you probably recognise. } } The appropriate response is to wield your +4 Sword Of Stabbing and } have at it.  After all, have you ever known anyone to do anything } different when confronted with a B.E.M.?  But beware, a shoggoth is a } 6 HD monster. } } You owe the Oracle a shoggoth-skin rug.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear! That diarrhoea again! > Can I use a SHIT LOCK key against that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should think you'd find that rather uncomfortable. } } You owe the Oracle a cork.