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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who hears all, sees all, and knows all: > > We'd think you'd make a great President.  Whadda you say? > >                                            - Elyauq Nad

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Watch your back sonny boy.  Shub Egroeg wrote me last week } saying I'd make a great Vice-President.  As for me, it's like I told } Shub, I'm not interested.  I'm voting for Nworb Yhprum. } } You owe the Oracle a liberal Supreme Court.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose droppings fall upon we, your unwashed supplicants, who > scoop them up proudly, mount them on driftwood and use them as > centerpieces on religious holidays, tell me something... > > While preparing dinner some weeks ago, a potato rolled behind the > refrigerator. Not wanting to interrupt my culinary endeavors I let it > lie undisturbed, for a period of time many weeks in duration.  It's > presence was hearkened to my memory when it I noticed the fridge > hoisted up off the floor by a mass of sprouting potato eyes.  I thought > this to be a fine chance to clean the back of the refrigerator, but > they were having an order of Franciscan Transvestite Butchers on > Geraldo, so I put it off.  That was two weeks ago.  Now I'm worried. > The potato is gone, but so is the fridge.  Disturbingly, my car keys > are also missing.  And I can't find the TV remote.  What the hell is > going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take heed of my instructions. } } Leave your house immediately. Do not try to take anything with you. } What you are experiencing is an attack by one of the most hideous } monsters in the whole universe. You see many of our culinary habits are } in fact the surviving remnants of ancient rituals. Many of these were } genuinely superstitious nonsense, but the rituals associated with } potato eating are not. They are necessary protection from the evil } potatoes. The rituals of mashing, frying, boiling, crinkle-cutting etc. } were all ancient rituals made by the Incas to fight the potatoes. What } the Incas realised that we do not know is that when they emerge from } the ground, potatoes are extremely cunning nocturnal spirits, much like } vampires. When kept in a spot where they can be seen their activity is } limited. They will only take small objects like coins, keys, pens etc. } Fortunately, they are usually eaten before they can do much harm. The } potatoes need these small objects so as to build up their strength. If } a potato manages to escape it can do immense harm. It slowly graduates } from keys, and pens to larger objects. It may go on to say fry pans. } Then it may go on to vacuum cleaners. By the time it has reached this } stage it has gained super human strength. This is what happened when } you saw the eyes of the potato lift the fridge. Soon after it is able } to actually eat the fridge as well. Having multiple eyes they know when } you are around and will initially eat only when unseen. Your escaped } potato ( and it is an escapee, it did not slip by accident ) has just } now reached the stage where it will eat you and the house as well. So } you must flee. } } You must go to Peru, gather together a few Incas go back home and } perform the potato killing ritual. You must do this, because this } potato has a diabolical mission. It has been chosen from amongst its } entire race to inflict revenge upon Dan Quayle for the insult that he } inflicted upon them. This has been widely interpreted as a spelling } mistake, but in fact potatoes are in fact one of the 'liberal' and } 'pinko' groups that have been targeted by the White House. Since they } do not have the vote the potatoes are getting their revenge by sending } this potato on a suicide mission to get Quayle. Eating your house is } only a way of getting strength. It will then rampage across the United } States and hunt Dan Quayle down. } } So remember Dan Quayle's life is in your hands. Only you can save him. } } You owe the Oracle a boiled potato.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, he that knows when his system will crash before it > crashes and has everything backed up, he that was thinking about the > next universe before this one was created, the only Oracle that humbles > himself to answer my puny questions, answer me, if you will, my > mysterious question: > > If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it (except you, of > course), does it make a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me clarify something for you.  Trees are by nature, very noisy } creatures. They just don't have much they want to say to your species } anymore.  In the past they frequently would speak to your ancestors but } now, well humans stopped listening so they stopped talking.  In fact } they are shunning your kind altogether now.  When there are no humans } around, they chatter fiercely but as soon as they detect your approach, } they shut up.  It has a lot to do with you killing off their friends } and relatives. } } As to the specifics of your query: } } Yes. In general they scream like Hell.  You see, it takes a substantial } force to topple most mature trees, such as a bolt of lightning or a } large meteor. As you can imagine, being struck by such would not be at } all pleasant. However, if there are humans around, they just quietly } endure their demise. } } They hate you that much. } } One quick note; occasionally a tree will still die of old age.  When } that happens, it usually occurs while the tree is asleep.  In this } event the tree makes no sound as it falls because it's already dead. } This is a good thing too, because wouldn't it be awful to hear a once } mighty Spruce whimpering something like, "I've fallen and I can't get } up." } } You owe the Oracle an Oak to English dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh seer of the future! Oh keeper of the past! Oh omniscient knower of > the present! > > What newsgroups would you read (other than rec.humor.oracle) if you > read news (do you read news)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} login: tuo (HEHE NYUUUUK SNORT) } password: lisa } } Gnunix SXR42.17 } Welcome to Foovax, o Pythian One. } } $ } --HEY, GORBLAT, HAVE A LOOK AT THIS!!! } --WHAT IS IT, BIFF d00d? } --I JUST HACKED INTO THE ORACLE!!!! } --KOOL!!!!!!!! LETS SEE WAT NEWSGROOPS HE READS, LIKE SEX 1S! (SNORT) } --NARLY IDEA, d00d!! } $ type^H^H^H^H^Hcat <.newsrc |grep "sex" } alt.sex.whippedcream:1-134876 } alt.sex.chocsyrup:1-343486 } alt.sex.llamas:1-3426 } alt.sex.wombats:1-5 } alt.sex.holdthewombats:1-3428790743650734650 } --LIKE TOTALY AWSOM! } --WAT ELSE IS THERE??? } $ dir } bin     pics     pics.naughty     pics.too.naughty     stuff.other } xREADME } $ typ^H^H^Hcat xREADME } Hahaha!  You think you've hacked into the Usenet Oracle!  You're } wrong.  I'm on to you, BIFF and GORBLAT!  You shall feel my wrath! } } T.U.O. } --LOOKS SERIOUS, BIFF. } --NEH, WAT KAN HE DOO FROM THERE? } <ZOZOT> } --UGH. } } They wanted to know. } } In answer to your question, no, supplicant, net.news would be a waste } of time for me since I am, as you pointed out, an omniscient knower of } the present and all that stuff.  Oh, I post something to the } alt.sex.* groups now and then, just to keep things interesting, but } all that usually accomplishes is a mess in some computer nerd's } trousers and I'm trying to stop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if I fell in a forest -- would a tree hear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and it would laugh pretty hard, too. } } You owe the Oracle a good palindrome.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is the difference between a Rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Well, hardly enough groveling there, but, since it has nothing }  to do with politicians, woodchucks, or Lisa, I'll take the time to }  answer. } }         You ask, "What is the difference between a Rabbit?" Surely, not }  not that?!? (Of course, me being the Oracle and all, I know what the }  rest of the question would've been, but, so it does not get asked }  again, let us answer a few possible questions...) } }  What is the difference between a Rabbit and a ... } }  Box of Wheat Thins: A Rabbit doesn't have the air of cardboard to it }                      in such a degree as these wheat thingles do, but, }                      I'm sure a rabbit couldn't stick to my mouth in }                      this pleasurable fasion like these wheat thingles }                      are doing! } }  A certain car of the same name: Actually, you'd probably get farther }                                  with the living rabbit as }                                  transportation, need I say more? } }  pen cap: Odviously, there's a little bit of a composition difference }           here, thru a process of evolution and very embarrassing }           mistakes, rabbits have grown to avoid wrapping themselves }           around pens, thus not having the characteristic shape of a }           pen cap, (which is incidentally one of the most annoying }           shapes to get anything out of, once you drop it in...) } }  rabbit: Actually, I'm sure the poetic prospects here are way beyond }          your level of comprehension, so, suffice it to say, you're }          much too lively with a Shift key... } }  80586: Heh, well, the bunny might be faster, but it sure as hell won't }         be any hotter... } }  bunny: Ah, the mystery that has haunted man for longer than the }         missing socks in the dryer or the hilarious Car-Key Relocation }         program, but, I reveal the true answer to you now... the }         difference is... #%@#$$.. and th$#%for$@#4#@rfoir f39f#$ so, }         you se9#  #$%*#!@$%, it's @#$%*@)# simple AcutA#%ly... } }  W!@#$hat t34t He2l??? Err... d@#4mn t458is wy8s9e... } }  (sizzle) } }  You owe the oracle a Terminal of the Gods. } }  -- AutoAnswer, V1.00   -> "Who, me, immortal? <-  Registered to: Orrie

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dearest Oracle....whose wisdom is unequaled....and who has good > taste in music... > I need your help... > What do you do about a man who has betrayed you.... > > ----A desparate (but humble) woman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lock him outside naked in December in Quebec. } } You owe the Oracle his watch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I-am-Locutus.-A-Borg.-Resistance-is-futile.-Your-life-as-it-has- > been-is-over.-From-this-time-forward-you-will-service-us.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd take the time to talk you down, but fortunately there is } another way. } } [The Oracle reaches under his desk, pushing Lisa aside, and pulls } the plug on the Borg Empire.] } } They haven't paid their bills in months anyway. That'll free up } enough power for a new Disney theme park! } } You owe the Oracle the salvage rights to your civilization.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle to whom nothing is impossible, > > can you create a boulder so large that even you cannot lift it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, your grovel states that I am all-powerful (which I am), yet } your question seems to suppose that in some way, my powers are limited. } Interesting problem... one posed to my good friend yhwh many years ago } by a heretic priest.  The priest woke up the next morning as a locust. } *I*, on the other hand, am not so emotion-driven as to become enraged } and do something as silly.  But I digress. } } The answer to your question, humble supplicant, is in fact "I don't } know." In all honesty, I've never bothered to try.  Boulders are for } sissies.  I prefer "can you make a beer so large such that you cannot } finish it."  If you're going to catch yourself in a paradoxical } recursive limits-of-power problem, you might as well have some fun with } it.  To make a boulder so large, etc.., I would need to create a } boulder of infinite mass, or, since I in fact have infinite strength, } the boulder would (necessarily) need to be of infinite mass, plus a } little.  OK, now, to make such a boulder, I would either } } a) accelerate an ordinary boulder to a velocity *just* faster than the }    speed of light.  The rock would now be sufficiently heavy, and I }    could try to lift it.  However, as any good physicist will tell you, }    it's darned hard to catch anything moving that fast, and, once }    you've managed to get ahold of it, you will cause it to slow down }    again (even very slightly, thus reducing its mass to something just }    short of infinite, which is no challenge at all.  Alternatively I }    could: } } b) gather all the matter in the Universe into a singularity, thus }    producing an infintesimally small "boulder" of sorts, to which I }    could apply my super-cosmic strength.  This seems the most feasible, }    so I think I'll try that... } } [Sudden sound as if all the matter in the Universe was being squashed }  into a singularity -- an infintesimally small "boulder", of sorts -- }  by some super-cosmic being] } } OK, now then, supplicant... supplicant?  Oops, forgot.  I squashed him. }  Ah, such sacrifice in the name of knowledge!  OK, now... where's that } point? Who turned out the lights, anyway?  Oops, forgot.  Squashed all } the stars, too.  How am I going to find that point without light? } } LET THERE BE LIGHT } } [Sudden sound of a very big bang...]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       As the leap effect cleared, Sam found himself sitting back in a > plush, cloud-like chair.  A gentle breeze was supplied by a scantily > clad woman with a huge feathered fan.  Sitting to his right was another > woman, who could only be described as a goddess, staring at him with > breathless adoration and expectation.  "Orrie," she murmured, in a voice > as sweet as melted butter, "the lowly supplicant is awaiting a > response." >       With a grating sound, the Imaging Chamber door opened and Al > walked out, his jaw dropping as he caught sight of the goddess.  "Sam!" > he exclaimed, "I can't believe it!  You've leaped into the Usenet > Oracle." He pointed with his cigar and said, "THAT is the infamous > Lisa." His eyes narrowed and he grumbled, "You lucky dog." >       Sam scowled at the hologram and glanced at the piece of ancient > parchment in his hand.  It read: >       "Yo, Oracle!  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood?  Hahahahahaha." >       Sam slumped back in his chair and rubbed his forehead, moaning,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa notices Sam's/the Oracle's distress, and purrs "Oh, dear... } *another* woodchuck question?  Here, let me help you forget *all* about } those thankless supplicants..." [straddles his lap and begins massaging } his temples] "...there now, isn't that better?" she coos softly... } } "Uh, Sam," Al interjects, "I hate to interrupt, but Ziggy says there's } an 84 point oh-four chance that you're supposed to answer that } question.  If you do, you should leap right outta here... Sam?" } } "...hmm?... oh... what do I have to do?" Sam mumbles, distracted. } } "ooh, nothing dear" lilts Lisa, "you just let me take charge this } time..." } } "Uh, Sam" interrupts Al, "Ziggy now says that ...[poink! ptew!]... that } you have to answer this question, else there will be a tremendous } backlog on the Usenet, gradually filling up all available storgae space } with unanswered questions.  You *have* to answer this one } and...[staring at Lisa's undulating form]...and...and...[staring } harder]...and...how does she hold that up, anyway?" } } "...I...I don't think there's any hurry, do... do you?" Sam asks as his } head is cradled in Lisa's arms. } } "Oh, *no* darling," Lisa murmurs, "I can go as slow as you want..." } } [snapping back to the task at hand] "...well, I don't know Sam.  Ziggy } says that if you back up the Usenet by not answering, you could cause } the whole thing to crash unexpectedly...and...whSam?  SAM?" } } "...mmph...mm!...mmph fmmph..." mppmh's Sam as Lisa's strong yet gentle } hands slowly glide dow^G } ^G } %SYS-BACKLOG-ERR: System malfunction - insufficient storage space } %SYS-OVERFLW-TXT: Remainder of text deleted } %SYS-SBACKUP-TXT: Backup of text stored in } ORACLE$[SYS.SCRATCH]SCRATCH.TXT; ^G } ^G } %SYS-SCRATCH-DEL: Insufficient storage - SCRATCH files deleted } } ready } ?>