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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many plate glass windows can I jump through without taking damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is astonished at the number of questions it is asked that can } be answered by searching a good library.  In this case, the answer can } be found in Pulaski's Big Book of Equations and Yam Recipies. } } On page 256-b, Appendix 18, the following equation can be found: } }         _ }    P=   | (W*V) - (Mo + Pn) }         | (Cb*J) }         - } } where   P= the number of plate glass windows }         W= your weight (in National Geographics) }         V= your velocity (relative to Raymond Burr) }         Cb= the number of cheeseburgers eaten in the past six days }         J= the number of Motorcycles owned by Jay Leno }         Mo= the number of letters in your mother's maiden name }         Pn= the page number of this equation } } hence: assume your are a typical person with a weight of 55 N.G. and } a relative R.B. velocity of 6 bad television series in a row, } } the answer is -3.567 } } Thus, the Oracle can tell you that 3.5 plate glass windows will have to } jump through you before you are injured! } } You owe the oracle a lone quark.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm in ....  good heavens!  I seem to be in someone else's body!  I'm } male and have a short brown beard!  I'm in a small cubicle, typing at an } obsolete DEC computer with a 2400 baud modem.  It's uncanny!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just bowdlerized an old lady, who I thought was simply an innocent > victim.  She turned out to be a witch.  She hexed me so that my little > finger turned vaporously marsupial.  What should I do?  How can I > prevent this from happening again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bowdlerizing anybody is reprehensible.  In your case it would involve } a full castration and skin transplants to give you a smooth crotch no } more interesting than your thigh.  The Oracle thinks that the witch } was much too lenient with you -- the ghost-possum that was formerly } your little finger will make an excellent, easy-to-care-for pet, and } a great conversation piece.  You need do nothing in particular -- just } don't go bowdlerizing people any more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> truncating the first line of every mail message I send?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} is the reason, and the aforementioned solution should be implemented to } solve it. } } You owe the Oracle five of your teeth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there no elephants in Illinois or Missouri?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This type of question is the most irritating for The Oracle.  Have you } LOOKED for any elephants in Illinois of Missouri?  Obviously not, for } there are in fact many elephants in Illinois and Missouri.  There is a } lesser-known breed of elephants, called pygmie elephants.  The largest } of this breed is smaller than a chihuahua, and are not easy to find. } This breed lives EXCLUSIVELY in Illinois and Missouri, for a reason that } zoologists cannot figure out.  Because of their reclusive nature, they } can only be seen by those who they do not fear.  Therefore, it is } necessary to get their trust to find them, and the only known method of } doing that is to drink massive quantity of alcohol.  You can recognise } them by their size, and their distinctive color, a bright hot pink. } } You owe The Oracle a pygmie elephant hide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle kind and wise > Honest Oracle who tells no lies, > > This is not a test of your power or knowledge.  It merely delights me > that you can understand the vaguest forms of encryption.  Please > answer my encrypted question. > >    pckfdu a1[ase 02n/sktr inARlEeG akls;a  `nn~!#f indr >    (*ghtpoi hwqd? >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be slapped for such a rude question.  The Oracle is not used } to, nor expected to answer such a crude and distastefull question.  But } just this once, I will answer your question.  However, as The Oracle } knows encryption methods beyond your dreams, I will not answer in an } encrypted form, because no man alive would be able to decrypt the } response. }   In order to do what you want, you will require a ball of rubber, such } as that used by high-quality art erasers, two feet of cotton rope, and a } small herd of Wildebeasts.  After that, the procedure should be clear. } I hope you enjoy your new stable-mate. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born Minotar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, why do you answer our petty questions?  People send you > very stupid questions, yet you always answer them.  Why do you bother? > What's in it for YOU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do it for the laughs. Muahahahahaha. }     Go figure. } } you owe the oracle a kiss.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Laryngitis. } } You owe the Oracle a fever.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were traveling in a vehicle moving at lightspeed, and turned on > the headlights, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For mere mortals like you, this is a purely theoretical question, since } you cannot travel at lightspeed without breaking the Law - viz. } Einstein's Law, one of the most Sacred Principles Of Physics.  If you } broke it, you would instantly be fined an infinite amount of energy } (payable in advance!) and would in addition be viciously flamed in } sci.physics. } } For me, however, NOTHING is forbidden since I am a Divine, Immortal } ORACLE.  In fact, I tried your experiment out as I drove to work this } morning.  However, because of time dilation I arrived before I had had } time to switch on the headlights.  I will try again tomorrow. } } You are graciously permitted to pay my speed tickets.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I get messages back telling me that I have confused the > Oracle.  How is it possible to confuse the Alknowing Oracle?  If the > Oracle is truly Alknowing, it is not possible to confuse such a person. > Or am I confused?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Mighty Oracle is indeed Allknowing and Omniscient.  What confuses Me } is not the contetn of your questions but rather the fact they are so } confusing In fact, your questions are so confusing that they beat even } My answers. } } The fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse a Divine } Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused. } } The fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse } a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being } like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused. } } The fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions } that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a } Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused } makes even a Divine Being like Me confused. } } The fact the fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask } questions that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it } makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being } like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a } Divine Being like Me confused. } } [ ...  intervening lines removed by the net.overgod ...  ] } } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Be } } recursion stack overflow - core dumped