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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, all-round basically OK guy, > > I saw the following excerpt from the Quran: > > <He is God; there is no god but He. He is the Knower of the unseen and > the visible; He is the All-merciful, the Al-compassionate. He is God; > there is no God but He. He is the King, the All-Holy, the All-peace, > the Guardian of Faith, the All-preserver, the All-mighty, the > All-Compeller, the All-sublime. Glory be to God, above that they > associate! He is God the Creator, the Maker, the Shaper. To Him belong > the Names Most Beautiful. All that is in the heavens and the earth > magnifies Him; He is the All-mighty, the All-wise.> (59:22-24) > > My question is this:  Does it bother you that your colleague Allah gets > better grovels than you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colleague!?  That's my son!  Who do you think got him that } job, anyway!?  My nephew Jesus would be ashamed of you if } he found out how insolent one of his flock could be. } } You owe the Oracle the definition of the word "nepotism".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*> >                             PROGRESS REPORT > >                     IMPERIAL SUBVERSION DIVISION #8 >                              Sub-Cluster #12 >                   PROJECT:  Planet 4597682103 (Earth) > <*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*> > > My Lord and Master: > > I am pleased to report to you that Phase 3 of the conquest of Planet > Earth is proceeding ahead of expectations.  As with Phase 1 > (introduction of the concept of Bureaucracies) and Phase 2 > (implementation of Bureaucratic Proliferation), Phase 3, "Bureaucratic > Standstill", has not been detected by the indigenous population.  In > actuality, they seem quite adept to the generation of unnecessary > paperwork.  At present, true productivity on the planet has been > reduced to an average of 37% of energy utilized.  I anticipate they > will reach the 0% threshold within three of their solar years. > > At this time, my Master, I am requesting your permission to begin the > implementation of Phase 4, "RED TAPE CRISIS".  When may I proceed? > > Your humble servant, > #375,243,896,212,003-H

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TO:   Humble Servant #375,243,896,212,003-H } Addr: IMPERIAL SUBVERSION DIVISION #8 }       Sub-Cluster #12 }       PROJECT:  Planet 4597682103 (Earth) } } RE:   Your memo of 7 Gribnok 3782 G.B. } } Dear 003-H, } } We cannot process your request for Phase 4 implementation until we have } on file Form 61038729372910665382-72837G837298T829837UBBA273846q8-1. } Please file one of these forms with our local office.  Allow 6-10 weeks } for delivery. } } Sincerely, } } Imperial Subversion Division HQ.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Ultimately Advantaged Oracle, Guardian of the Sacred Words, Keeper > of the Ten Kings, who knows exactly how pointless it is to predict who > will win the 1992 United States presidential election, please tell me: > Why do usenet users obsess about how bad Boston is to live in and drive > around?  Why don't they leave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, if only it were that simple.  "Why don't they just leave?" you ask. }  The simple truth is that they are unable to leave.  The Gods are } walking the Earth in Boston, and have been for centuries, this so } called 'city' is actually a staging area for the forces of evil that } have been infiltrating your quaint little planet since before you were } born.  And only now are humans gaining awareness of these hideous, } festeringly evil beings that have been slowly turning the population of } one of America's greatest cities into thier obedient slaves.  Long } before the witch trials at Salem, the forces of evil were hard at work } in the New England area.  Lovecraft came closest to discovering the } true nature of the beings and was eliminated so that he would be unable } to warn others of their impending doom. By asking Me this question you } are opening a can of worms which might force these beings to serve up } to you the same fate that Lovecraft suffered.  Nevertheless, being the } Oracle, I cannot refuse you the answer to your question.  Guard these } secrets well, because anyone else who gains this knoweldge will be } subject to the same painful, hideous, screaming death that awaits you. } } ^L } Boo!  Just kidding.  Most people don't leave Boston because of the } excellent seafood. } } You owe the Oracle a campfire, a ghost story and a cup of Clam Chowder.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do birds suddenly appear > every time you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, so you've noticed. } } Among the various mystics arts I use in arriving at my unerring } answers, one of the most useful is ornithomancy, the art of divination } based on what bird appears when a given question is asked.  It is not } quite as accurate as reading entrails, but I had to give up the latter } practice when the Computer Center director complained about the } round-the-clock pickets that the animal-rights folk were mounting } outside.  With ornithomancy the bird gets to fly away afterwards and } everyone is happy. } } Genuine ornithomancy is a complex art that takes into account not only } the type of bird but the direction of its flight, its actions, its } remnants (any feathers or droppings it leaves), and other still more } arcane variables.  But for practical purposes the species of bird is } often enough to tell me a great deal about the Supplicant and his or } her fate. } } I'll give you some examples, and thank you for taking such an interest } in an old Oracle's craft. } } BIRD THAT APPEARS       MYSTIC SIGNIFICANCE } ==== ==== =======       ====== ============ } } spotted owl             Supplicant faces imminent extermination. } } common pigeon           Supplicant continually coos, walks around with }                         bobbing head, and poops on people's cars. }                         Likely an escapee from a mental hospital. }                         (Pigeons typically co-occur with the Woodchuck }                         Question.) } } bridled titmouse        Supplicant is Madonna.  Ignore question. } } dodo                    Supplicant is a COBOL programmer.  Ignore }                         question. } } dodoe [sic]             Supplicant is Dan Quayle. } } Norwegian blue parrot   Supplicant appears to be dead but is only }                         sleeping. } } vulture                 Supplicant is a lawyer. } } woodpecker              Supplicant suffers from sexual dysfunction. } } a cheerful little bird  Supplicant will get lost in a maze of twisty } sitting here singing    little passages. } } egress                  Supplicant is P. T. Barnum. } } common loon             Supplicant is an ordinary Usenet reader.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who know all from the beginning of existance, the > answerer of all questions, and bearer of all answers...please give your > thoughts to this question... > > I am a computer assistant for my college's computer center.  I > experience this situation quite often.  A user will walk up to me with > a computer center manual in his or her hand, show me a section on a > particular function, and ask me how to do it.  I will then procede to > read the section directly out of the manual to them.  They will now > procede to go to thier monitor or PC and perform the function > flawlessly.  My question is: Why do people still need things done for > them even though the answer is right before their eyes???  I feel my > title should be "Public Reader", not "Computer Assistant/Sun Manager". > For an answer to this question, I will forever be grateful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right; the students don't need you to answer their questions. } They have a totally different motivation.  What might that be, you } ask?  The answer is right in front of your face.  You're a } _computer_ _assistant_.  Your reading of these passages from the } documentation is actually for the computer's benefit. } } Here's how it works: } > ls } > ls } > catalog } > dir } > don't you do anything? } } *ahem* } "LS(1V)                   USER COMMANDS                     LS(1V) } } NAME }      ls - list the contents of a directory" } } > ls } Mail  lib  send* } dead.letter nobackup@ } } Hopefully with improvements in OCR technology, computers will soon } be able to read their own manuals, freeing you for more enjoyable } computer assistant duties, such as Tetris.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Powerful Oracle, whose feet are fit for waterskiing, please tell > me why do CDs have a hole in the middle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...powerful...yes...waterskiing...yes...is that all?  Oh, well, } they don't grovel like they used to.  We need to work on that. } } In the beginning was the Oracle.  And the Oracle spake, saying: } "Let there be music."  And the Oracle heard the music, and it was } good.  *Very* good. } } But, after the music had been played, the mortals could hear it no } more. The mortals beseeched the Oracle, and lo, the Oracle replied, } saying: "Let there be sheet music."  And the sheet music was good, for } it allowed the mortals to play the music again. } } But the mortals tired of performing the music, so the Oracle spake unto } Tommy Edison, saying:  "Let there be records."  And in due course a } recording medium was designed, and it was good. } } But the mortals always want more.  They begged the Oracle for a } durable, portable system, so the Oracle spake, saying:  "Let there be } tape." The mortals rejoiced for reel-to-reel and cassette tape. } } But then a mortal tried to outdo the Oracle.  He created "8-track" } tape. And so spake the Oracle:  "Let nothing but disco be published on } 8-track." And 8-track was soon no more.  (Let that be a lesson to you.) } } But the mortals wanted digital sound, so, getting fed up with mortals, } thus the Oracle spake:  "Let there be compact disks and two formats of } DAT; that'll show 'em."  And show 'em it did.  And the Oracle spake } further:  "And let the CDs be reminiscent of records, to show the } mortals from whence this new medium came."  And the CD's were } remniscent of records, and they were good; except for that stupid hole } in the middle. } } You owe the Oracle the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever on record, } reel-to-reel, cassette, CD, and both types of DAT. } (If you send an 8-track, you *WILL* be <ZOT>ed.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really rather quite decent and actually not half bad Oracle > (sorry, this is a British grovel): > > In his latest "Inside Track" column in PC Magazine John Dvorak mentions > the "rumoured desire of Microsoft to find a way to put Windows on home > appliances such as microwave ovens and VCRs." > > Oh (what the devil, I'll be brash) super nifty one, can you tell me how > a microwave oven running Windows would work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh really seely English knnni-get (sorry, zis is a French Oracle): } } A mahcrowave ouven running Windoes ouill ourk verry slowly.  Eet ouill } leek radiacion and make you eento a large meutated cabbage.  Eet ouill } be impossibl to use eet without the proper interfas, which, instead of } ze mouse you probably use, ouill be a jiant hedgehog named Spainy } Norman. Ze Oracle oulde adviz avoideeng all such Maicrosouft products. } } You oue ze Oracle a toaster zat runs Unix.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnificent Usenet Oracle, who knows all, sees all, ZOTs all, > who could tell us why Ross Perot is such a jackass (but won't)... > > Running across the street for a glimpse at Ed's finger. Such a pretty > finger -- such a pretty. Has Ed been what he could have done? Has Ed > been what he could have done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ed's finger? Hmmm... } }  >finger Ed } }  searching...found. } }  Login name: Ed }  In real life:Ed McMahon }  Directory: /staff/second_bananas/Ed }  Project: retired. } }  --->>EdShell v.30 }  ---->>Hello! Your name has just been added to the official }       EdMail mailing list! }  ---->>This list disseminates your name and address--recorded as: }       U. Senet Oracle, 1 AndOnlyOne, Unknown XX 00001-0001 }       --to the many fine direct-mail and sweepstakes companies }       listed below.  Enjoy your upcoming solicitations courtesy }       of Ed McMahon enterprises! } }  -->>American family Publishers }  -->>Alpo }  -->>Budweiser } ^C } } Oh, $%^[#$;@... where is that stupid list kept...THERE. } } <rumblerumblerumbleZapTzaupBOOM> } }  -*--)>EdShhhhhhl rpr6&: N@me U. Senet Oracle*&9tr^nsmitted to }       1853 data%*&banks b4f0rrre pgr or m term&nated... }  Connection terminated. } } Aw, dammit... } } You owe the Oracle a place to put the junk mail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Oracle, whose Brain is so huge that if it were finely ground and > made into a meat by-product it would spread like Spam onto a hundred > trillion crackers, please answer my humble plea for enlightenment: > >    The other day I had five philosophers over for dinner.  But I didn't > have enough forks to go around, there was only enough for four of them > to eat at a time.  Of course, they weren't polite enough to share so > they were constantly fighting and bickering over the forks.  Assuming I > don't have enough money to buy more silverware, how can I appease them > all the next time they come over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, just as a matter of trivia, the exact number of crackers } that my brain could be applied to in the form of meat by-products would } take up more time to type than it is worth to type out as a matter of } trivia. You are correct, however, in saying that it would spread in a } spam-like manner. } } Now on to your question. } To answer this question we must understand something about the nature } of the parties involved. Philosophers are people who enjoy arguing } about topics which are primarily abstract. Bearing this in mind, I ask } you to think in the following manner: } There are not really four forks, there are five forks, one of which is } a null fork. } You are to tell this to the philosophers when you sit down to eat. } } While this reasoning is 100% flawed, your philosophers should become } wrapped up in the whole affair so sufficiently that they will not } notice when you pull one of them away at a time to let him eat. Also, } the philosopher who is not eating will want to get back into the } conversation so badly that he will not want to hog the food at all. } } You owe the Oracle a null fork.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mickey Mouse is a mouse. So is Minnie. Donald and Daisy are > ducks. Pluto is a dog. What, oh great Oracle, is Goofy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your confusion is understandable, since Goofy has evolved over time. } 1928: an adjective } 1948: a cartoon character } 1968: a guy dressed in a silly suit at DisneyWorld } 1988: The Vice President of the United States } } You owe the Oracle a "vote early, vote often" bumper sticker.