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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracl, Most Wis this mortal bing dspratly nds your hlp! > Somon has stoln a ky from my kyboard, and my thsis is du tomorrow! > Whr can it b?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Vice President, the President's advisors took your 'e' key and } put it somewhere safe, so you won't put it at the end of any more } potatoes.  Don't worry about your thesis; the President's advisors } have written it for you. } } You owe the Oracle a debate with Al Gor.  Er, Gore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glowing and odorous Oracle of the Net, >       Why do I have an insane desire to impersonate Sally Struthers? > I've run up huge credit card bills to the "Sally Struthers > Impersonators Supply Company" of French Lick, Indiana, and gotten all > but their most expensive disguises and clothes, but I'm still > unsatisfied.  Help! > > --Sally^H^H^H^H^HJanice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Janice, } }       I pity you, my dear, and I empathize.  In fact, your problem is } more common than you might think.  In poverty-stricken nations around } the world, children who have never known a day of joy live in continual } squalor and despair, desparate for a morsel of food.  You can help! } For the price of a cup of coffee, you can give a child living in a } place like this food, shelter, medicine, an education, a car and an } in-ground swimming pool, and the greatest gift of all.. hope.  You } see.. auuugh! What the hell am I doing!  Noooo!  Where did this dress } come from.. I thought I'd burned it all!..  IT'S STARTING AGAIN! } } You owe the Oracle a big blonde wig and a correspondence school degree } in computer technology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy oracle, old buddy!  Say, is there a way to increase the value of > h (you know 6.62E-34 Js) localy.  This would give a real bizarrrrr > effect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, *that* h.  Planck's constant.  As in e = h * nu.  So then a quantum } of a given wavelength would have more energy. } } Have you considered the consequences?  Suppose that you could raise h } in a locality.  Then either you'd have to supply everything with enough } extra energy to keep wavelengths constant, or else the wavelength of } everything would drop.  Big time trouble there. } } Fortunately the answer is "no."  Planck's constant was set by God.  I } asked Him the other century why he chose such a cockamamie number, and } He said, "Look, kid, I chose a nice round number for Planck's constant. } It's those f**king French atheists who invented the metric system, and } those Babylonian heathens who invented the second who made it such a } cockamamie number. They're all roasting in Hell for it.  Not my } Me-damned fault."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty and wonderous Oracle, whose private parts are the eighth and > ninth wonders of the world > > Do you and Lisa have any children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asking personal questions now, that takes guts, something you } wouldn'texpect from a humble little supplicant.  I like guts in my } supplicants.  Therefore, I will tell you a little known fact. }      Lisa and I did indeed have a child.  We figured that with my } perfect genes and her perfect genes, we would have a perfect child. } Well, as you might guess, this was not the case.  It seems that, } since Lisa and I are so perfect, that a common ancestor is not very } many generations removed.  You see, our perfect genes, which are } much too perfect to ever be called recessive, mixed in a less than } ideal way, and the offspring, instead of being the smartest } being alive, became damn neat the dumbest offspring ever created. } So, as a way to reconcile this problem, we decided to send this } offspring to your world, so that its antics could amuse us. }      You know this stupidest of stupid offspring as Dan Quayle. } Amazing, how far something like that got in you world. }      You owe the Oracle a condom big enough to fit on his ninth } wonder of of the world.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O meine great und manlich Oracle.  Vood you be zo nize und tell me vy > is dis Arnold Schvartenegger zo big mit die voman und die moofie volks > venn he no kann sprechen die Anglish nicht zo gut?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Miene little groveler, zhu are zuffering from ze dimentia ve call } Arnold Envy, but I vill answer zhur question. } } 1.  Ze money is ze universal translator.  It amplifies ze voice und } it makes it clear und melodious.  Zho, vhen zhu open zhur mouth, ze } people hear static; vhen Arnold speaks, ze people hear Flight of ze } Valkyries. } } 2.  Vhen ze lady tells you zat it matters little to her vhether or not } she is looking at a man vith ze goot build und appealing proportions } in all parts of his body, or looking at ze man zho veak he has trouble } lifting ze cup of coffee in ze morning, DO NOT BELIEVE HER!  She is } telling zhu ze white lie because ze man is tough outside but has ze } veak ego. } } 3.  Und finally, ze small group of his closest groopies all think he } is zpeaking French.  Man cheri, vu le vu couche! } } Zho, ze moral is, do not worry about his goot s*x, think about zhurs. } } Dr. Ruth Oracleheimer

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's being used as the object, that is to say, the receiver of } the action.  Thus "I" would be inappropriate; listen, "She's trying to } kill I" just doesn't sound right.  You know what might help?  Doing } some sentence diagrams.  Did you do those in middle school?  They're an } invaluable tool for understanding linguistics -- they're sort of like } Feynman Diagrams for English majors. } } You owe the Oracle a dangling participle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What, precisely, *are* family values?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before we define family values, we have to first define a family. } According to the dictionary (which is occasionally useful in } clarifying simple definitions), a family is "A unit of the Mafia, } operating in a specific geographical area." } } Now, let's see what "mafia" is.  In the dictionary (I hope you } check these references), mafia is: "The spirit of popular hostility } to the law, manifesting itself frequently in criminal acts."  These } criminal acts include, but are not limited to, gambling, prostitution, } extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking. } } With that in mind, let us now define values.  Values are "The } established ideals of life, objects, customs, etc., that the } members of a _given_society_ regard as desireable."  In this case, } we could draw the conclusion that a mafia family is a _given_society_. } } Now, we are able to define family values.  Family values are the } established ideals that the members of a family (mafia) regard as } desireable.  Thus, from the definition of "mafia", family values } are "hostility to the law, manifesting itself in criminal acts, } such as gambling, extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking." } } This definition of family values seems most appropriate in light } of current U.S. political discussions. } } You owe the Oracle a horse's head.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is somebody secretly replacing the coffee at my place of work with > Folger's Coffee Crystals?  It's gotten all dry and powdery and > crystalline and I have to add hot water to it before I can drink any.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GROVEL, BLAST YOU, GROVEL!!! DOESN'T ANYBODY GROVEL ANYMORE?!??!? } } Uh, sorry; I didn't get my coffee this morning, so I'm a little cranky. } } Now, as to your question: you've left out a very important detail. Is } your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee only available in little packets } marked "Folger's"? If so, yes. Your coffee has been replaced with } Folger's Coffee Crystals. You should now smile ingratiatingly at all } the furniture and talk loudly about how good your coffee is. Hopefully, } someone will come talk to you about a release form and hand you a check } for fifty bucks or so. } } If, on the other hand, your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee is only } available in the coffee pot, you have a much more serious problem. } Someone is leaching the hot water from your coffee. Call 911. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of Earl Grey, hot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Chap, please help a confused soul.  Ya see, I'm a mite annoyed > with a bloke I work with, and I'm wondering if you think he'll be put > out if I urinate on his desk.  Much obliged.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I perfectly understand your need for revenge against your } officemate, urinating on his desk will not have the desired effect. } What will happen is that he will come back from lunch, see that someone } has fouled his working area, and then IGNORE it.  Yes, you see he is so } incapable of understanding that someone could possibly be "a mite } annoyed" with him, that he will assume that nobody could be out for } revenge, and therefore, nothing has happened to him.  All part of his } British heritige.  But never fret, for the Oracle is here to help. } } Normally one would consult "The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes*" } but I think that this particular case requires something a touch more } inspired. } } Start off by asking the cute secretary (the one by your bosses office) } if she would do you a favour.  What you do is get her to ask him to } take her to dinner (preferrably at the Ritz).  He will accept, because } he is desperate to gain female attention, what with living with his } mother all those years.  Now you make sure that as soon as he get's } home to his flat, something happens to his lorrie.  I would recommend } siphoning all the petrol out of the engine.  Perhaps you could also } deflate all of his tyres.  When he get's to work the next day, waiting } for him will be a rather upset rugby player from Brighton, who will } pulverize your officemate for standing up his sister.  He won't feel } the true sense of humiliation until his mother phones him up, after } seeing the entire affair on BBC-1. } } You owe the Oracle a five quid note and the entire Coronation Street } broadcasts in PAL mode. } } *I must highly endorse this book, both as a source of humour and } knowledge. And no, I am not the author.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who knows even more > than Dr. Science,  (who has a _Master's_ degree), > > Is it really true that there are millions of tiny > microbes _in_my_mouth_ ?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, gentle User, it is true.  (Um, excuse me.  Would you } mind facing the other way?  Thank you _so_ much.) } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Cool Mint Listerine and a kiss.