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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Jim trash Joe's filesystem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Joe interrupted Jim while Jim was in drag, preening in front of } his full-length mirror, and telling himself in a falsetto voice what a } pretty girl he was.  Joe thought this terribly funny, and laughed Jim } to scorn.  Jim, angered at having his fantasy-world ridiculed, vowed } Revenge: hence the trashed filesystem. } } Of course, now Joe will tell the world about Jim's odd behavior.  And } of course Joe has a recent backup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why does this guy next to me let his life revolve around you, great > oracle?  All he speaks of is you.  He admires you, and you are only some > bits and bytes!  I find this ironic.  Do you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I do not find this ironic.  This 'guy' next to you is my prophet. } He goes by the heavenly name of Danquayleronreaganissenileandhasbeen- } eversincehewaselectedandweareindeeptroublesincewehaveawhimpforapresident } Danquayleistheantichristandwearealldommedfreth Arrgghhifreaganwasthe- } answeritmustvebeenaverysillyquestionhdert.  He is as near to divinity as } is possible in a mere mortal, so you are to worship him, pay him hom, } and find him all the gorgeous blonde women you possibly can so he can } partake of the Divine Cleansing Ritual of the Oracle, which involves 42 } well-endowed gorgeous blonde women, a 250-gallon tub of Jell-O. } } You owe the Oracle your worship, your faith, and a six-pack of A&W Root } Beer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10101111010100101010110101010111101010001101011010101011101010101010101 > 10001010111101010101111101010111010101010101010101010010101010101010101 > 00000101010101011111111110001010100001101010100010101010101010000010100 > 10000101010101110101010010010101000010101011100101000101010100101001011 > 10001010101000101010011101010101010010101010101010101010101010101001110?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How did you know the launch code?  Dont be surprised if you see a } shadowy figure with a silencer at the foot of your bed tonight. } } You owe the oracle a slow and horrible death

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hgwehjdg hjdghjwdt wejetejdgjdb uiy wekjuyeuid weuid ud weyuiydtkild > iutdwei nbxweui tui hwuiyx ghiu xygiowehx yuwgx iwewe7 gxuwegxyuwegx > uilw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has warned you REPEATEDLY about the dangers of mentioning } Lisa to It again in ANY question.  The Oracle's punishment of your } unworthy self will be too horrible to contemplate, and may take place at } any time during the remainder of your miserable lifespan. } } Just teasing.  In fact, the Oracle understands your question perfectly } well and knows that it has nothing to do with Lisa.  In brief: } } Yes, the wallaby must be thoroughly covered with Vaseline.  K-Y jelly is } too runny.  Do _not_ use anything made out of plastic!  Disembowelment } is not the preferred technique -- try to keep the amount of blood } reasonably small.  No, she does not need to be a virgin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the most beautiful woman in the world, and tell me all the info > available on her...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh!  This is an oft asked question to the Oracle! } } You must remember always remember that beauty is something that } cannot be defined in absolute terms.  You must be careful how you } ask your questions! } } For you personally, the most perfect woman existed only in a dream } (you recall that little "accident" you had last week?) and was caused } by your not having had a date in months complicated by that terrible } pizza. } } In the opinion of the Oracle, you showed a lack of imagination when } it came to the proper use of the watermelon and rubber hose, however } your performance with the highly modified weed-whacker will always } be a classic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be eloquent, but I can't verbalize.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By all means, apply to a school with a strong Mime program. } } Fluency in Mime, though difficult to acquire, will serve you well } throughout your life.  Mime is not called the "True International } Language" for nothing, after all.  More and more, Mime is replacing } Japanese, English, and COBOL in the corporate halls of the world. } } The Oracle suggests the excellent beginner's textbook, "Beginning Mime: } Read My Lips" by Anselm Accordio (Simon & Schuster, 1988, 198pp.) as } well as the outstanding series of cassette tapes which accompany the } text (check for these in your university language lab). } } Be forewarned, though: Mime is not an easy toungue to master.  There } can be no substitute for several hours a day of intensive drill, } going through the classical exercises such as "Man in a Big Invisible } Box" and "Man Caught in a Hurricane" with a native speaker.  Becoming } adept in the idiom of Mime will require painstaking attention to } detail and willingness to submit to thorough and frequent oral and } written examinations to demonstrate proficiency. } } The Oracle wishes you the best of luck with your new studies. } } You owe the Oracle a black-and-white jumpsuit and an invisible dog } on a leash.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The oracle promised that I would metamorphose into Lisa this morning, > but I haven't.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, foolish mortal, must not have followed my directions.  I told you } to have the 3 wilderbeasts, 2 quarts of apricot jam, Timex/Sinclair } computer, the a VHS recording of the Rocky Horror Picture show, and the } 24 ft.  steel rod with a selenium core.  Once again, I shall relate how } to use this apparatus to transform yourself into the net.goddess (Lisa); } but beware mortal for this transformation is very taxing and will last } but for a day and then reduce you to a vile old hag. } } [Proceed at your own risk ...  this is not for meer mortal eyes and the } very sight could blind you forever.] } } On the Timex/Sinclair, create a "C" compiler written in Cobol (simple } enough), and with this compiler, compile the following program: } } #include <stdio.h> #include <net.goddess.transform.h> } } main() char **argv; int argc; } } { transformmetolisa(argv[1]); } } } all the functions necessary are in net.goddess.transform.h and can be } downloaded from Norad at anytime on their toll-free line. } } After doing this, get the wilderbeasts to trot around the computer while } you stand in the middle holding the steel rod.  Spread yourself with the } apricot jam, put the Rocky Horror in the VCR and connect the audio and } video output to the Timex/Sinclair.  Promptly at 7:59:57am tomorrow } morning Eastern Standard time, at 43 degrees North - 15.37 degrees East } there will be a spot hit by a 12.4 gigavolt lightning bolt.  Be there } and have the tape playing the third verse of "Time Warp" and execute the } compiled program as the lightning strikes the steel/selenium rod. } } If you follow the above instructions, you will become Lisa (net.goddess) } for one full day.  Good Luck! } } You owe the Oracle a miss or a mile.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ivan the Terrible is into Yoga, Piotr the Great is into TM, and > Catharine the Great was into Tantra (left hand way).  Has this trend of > esotericism in the Russian leadership continued?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the replacement of royal rule by the Soviet Government, the nature } of the esoteric beliefs has become nastier.  Kerensky was a Mason, Lenin } practised voodoo, Stalin performed human sacrifices to the Devil (both } burnt and cooked, and liked the taste of human flesh).  Khrushchev was a } bit milder -- simple Satanism and the occasional ritual glass of human } blood.  Brezhnev worshipped idols, as did his gerontocrat successors. } Mr.  and Mrs.  Gorby worship the Golden Calf.  The Soviet intelligentsia } is turning Christian, after a fashion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Computer Science instructors continually make references to FOO > and BAR and FOOBAR?  Is it all a conspiracy to confuse us or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are missing a letter.  It's FOOD, not FOO.  Computer scientists, } being unable to get sex, are concerned mainly with food -- and they } prefer all-you-can-eat arrangements, sometimes called smorgasbords, } except that computer scientists can't spell either, so they call them } FOOD BARs.  Some computer scientists like to drink, so they separated } off the BAR part. } } You owe the oracle: }   - Fifteen hamburgers with cheddar cheese and tomato and pickles }   - Two hundred and eighteen large french fries, with salt and vinegar, }     and if you miscount them I'll boil you in taco sauce }   - that reminds me, also bring eighty-one chicken and bean tacos, and }     some good taco sauce.  lots of good taco sauce. }   - and a large layer cake, chocolate frosting, with the words "Oracle, }     Oracle, So Wonderful The Oracle that the Sun is about to perform }     Fellatio on you" in green frosting. }   - yeah, and about four quarts of chocolate ice cream }   - and a couple of pounds of salted peanuts, and a keg of Bass Ale. }   - Oh, while you're at it, five or six roast chickens.  No, make that }     Peking Ducks.  With tabasco sauce and catsup. }   - And a few pounds of mashed potatoes and marshmallow gravy would be }     good too. }   - Yeah, and while you're at it, I don't want to die of malnutrition. }     Sixteen pounds of broccoli, steamed, and two boiled cabbages ought }     to do it.  With hollandaise sauce.  Gotta make it edible some how. }   - Yeah, and a great big vat of cinnamon sugar applesauce. }   - And you'd better remember the saltines, or I'll cut your head off }     and feed it to ...  well ...  me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I detoxify my love life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop using those lead condoms.