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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When woodchucks through the meadows roam > And wombats in my code do play > I cannot help but run right home > And in my source the bugs to slay. > > But sometimes things get out of hand: > The wombats multiply too fast > I cannot get my code to run > And with a gun I want to blast > > The living shit from my machine. > > O Oracle, what should I do in such cases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind supplicant, } Ignorant at best. } Let your heart do the feeling, } Let the Oracle do the rest. } } Your brain is simply incapable } Of fixing the bugs in your code. } Us Deities have much more practice, } Rectifying dilemmas so bold. } } Supplicant, so daring, } End your life of pain, } Let the Oracle do the work, } Find yourself a better brain. } } You owe the Oracle the hidden message.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you're the tops, you're the cat's pajamas, > you're sublime, you're superlemon, do you know: > > Is math an invention or a discovery? > > Your postualant, > Heinrich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well actually VERY few know the truth. It's an aberration. } } You owe the Oracle not to tell this anyone. I'm having big fun with it

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm rubber; you're glue. > If you <ZOT!> me, it bounces off me and sticks to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle and you're eraser dust.  <POOF!>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty and Wise Oracle, under Whose most Magnificent mangement even > the 1992 Dodgers would have won at least the NL West division title, > Who would NEVER have given up two promising young pitchers for Eric > Davis, whom the Dodgers paid an EXORBITANT amount of money to sit on > the DISABLED LIST for most of the season, and whose ATTITUDE combined > with that of his boyhood friend Darryl Strawberry to make BAD ATTITUDE > SQUARED, which just KILLED the Dodgers' MORALE, causing them to LOSE > MOST OF THEIR GAMES, BREAKING the HEARTS of the FANS and causing DODGER > FANS like ME to get SO UPSET THAT I FORGOT THE QUESTION I WAS GOING TO > ASK YOU!!!!!!  Oh wait, I remember now . . . > > How come the weatherman never says the weather's going to be unfair? > And how come there aren't any illegal secretaries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My friend, you have just stumbled upon a massive and dastardly } conspiracy. The conspirators have acted in the following ways: } } 1) they made the Dodgers lose their well-deserved penant. } } 2) they prevent weathermen from reporting unfair weather.  In fact, }       weather usually IS unfair.  But they are attempting to undermine }       global society by numbing humanity's collective mind.  It }       gladdens me to see that at least one person out there is still }       mentally on his toes. } } 3) there ARE illegal secretaries; however, they all start as LEGAL }       ones, and drop out of sight as soon as they become illegal.  Some }       paranoiacs have theorized that these secretaries have been killed }       by either the conspirators or the U.S. Government, but in fact }       they ARE the conspirators.  Having been peons in a cruel }       dominational heirarchy, they wish to reverse the current power }       structure to make themselves the bosses.  (Note that many }       secretaries become the bosses by less drastic and more subtle }       means.  Most offices are in fact totally run by and dependant }       upon their secretaries.  The illegal secretaries, however, want }       power in name as well as fact.)  Anyway, the obvious first step }       in reversing current hierarchical structures is that of forcing }       an amazing ball team like the Dodgers to the bottom of the heap. } } You owe the Oracle a grassy knoll.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How to get rid of a wombat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since there is no one way to go about getting rid of a wombat that is } better than any other, I will give you a sampling of the equally } successful solutions provided by many celebrities, dead and otherwise } (since communication with the dead is no problem for my infinite } communicative capabilities). } } Dr. Seuss:  "Quick, Henry, the Flit!" } } Lewis Carroll:  "One-two! One-two! And through and through }                    The vorpal sword went snicker-snack }                  The beast was dead, and with its head }                    He went galumphing back." } } The NRA, any member:  "Shewt the varmint." } } Rube Goldberg:  "...and bounces off F, the trampoline, to land on G, } which turns on the bunsen burner, causing the cat H to jump up in the } air and land on I, the naugahyde hassock..." } } George Bush:  "Well, y'can't solve a problem by throwing money at it... } I recommend we cut taxes on the rich, which will increase investment in } anti-wombat equipment corporations." } } Dan Quayle:  "A wombat is a terrible thing to waste.  What's a wombat?" } } Marcel Marceau:  "" } } You owe the Oracle Crocodile Dundee's knife.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom is so red that Mars is jealous and whose > punctuation is a furry as a cicada's pelt during a blue moon, please > inform me: > >       How were elephants discovered and when?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Elephants were discovered in Trenton, New Jersey at 4:36 pm on 26 July } 1963. They were immediately recognized when they took their sunglasses } off. } } You owe the Oracle a list of no less than fifty elephant jokes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O AlMighty Oracle, Leader of All Creation, please > enlighten me... > > How did the US Government get so screwed up? > And can we ever get it back on track?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What makes you think the US Government is screwed up? } Well, let's see.... } } The two purposes for which government was formed are } 1: to make people wait in line } 2: to collect taxes. } } Making people wait on line is a demonstration of who's boss, and is } necessary for the peace of mind of the ruling class. } In a way it's like grovelling to the Oracle. } } Collecting taxes makes it possible for the ruling class to live } without doing any useful work. } } Because people might try to cut ahead in the line, we have police. } } Because governments might try to collect taxes from taxpayers } belonging to other governments, we have armies. } } All the other apparatus of modern earthly life follows from the } above. } } So, how is the US Government screwed up? } } Although you still have to wait on line a lot } ( been to the Post Office lately? had to renew your driver's license? } much of the waiting on line has been replaced by filling out forms. } ( Although in many cases you may have to wait on line to fill out a } form; this is simply atomic-age overkill. ) } } Filling out forms is an acceptable substitute for waiting on line. } The little lines that mark where you have to write are symbolically } equivalent to the ropes that mark where the line should stand. } This sort of symbolic substitution is an old and accepted practice, } and you should be glad of that the next time you take Communion! } } (2) You can't fault the job they do collecting taxes. } } Conclusion: as usual, the very premise of the Mortal's question is } wrong, but the Oracle is not fooled. } } You owe the Oracle: three goats and a kid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you consider my cat Geoffrey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And will I ever!  Why, I'd much rather consider him than you, you } pathetic mealworm.  He's infinitely more intelligent than you, and } always lands on his feet to boot! } } Let's consider him.  He's very nimble, he's quick, should he need to } live on his own, he could, without the comforts of society, he can see } in the dark without tripping and cursing on his way to the bathroom, } and not only that, he can clean himself using JUST HIS TONGUE. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of claws, and the other thing they took } away.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise, whose little toe contains more wisdom than all > the works collected together in the Library of Congress; grant your > humble supplicant an answer to this query: > > Why is there no such thing as a free lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mortal, most foolish, whose whole brain contains less wisdom than } all the works of Dan Quayle: you blew it again. } } The premise of your question is incorrect. } There *is* such a thing as a free lunch. } But not for you. } } The Oracle, for example, lunches for free at the Olympus Cafeteria. } Of course, nectar and ambrosia get boring after awhile, and the } Oracle is a god of means; so this Oracle often stops off at } God's Diner, where the manna is excellent -- but that's beside the } point. } The point is that *you* are not invited. } } The Congress, in addition to their library and banking privileges, } get a free lunch. True, it is not as healthy as it might be; } too much cholesterol in "the fat of the land". } Again, *you* may not dine there. } } Perhaps you're beginning to get the picture. } } The reason why there is a proverb about "no free lunch" } is that those who get it don't want to share it with you. } } You owe the Oracle: dinner for two at Adam's Ribs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fragrant and lordly ancient wise Oracle, >       Am I really human, or am I, as I have long feared, a small > plate of fettucini Alfredo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE SCENE: The Oracle's Favorite Restaurant } } ORACLE:  Hmmm...  interesting question. } } A waiter comes from the back of the restaurant with the Oracle's plate } of fettucini Alfredo. The waiter deposits the plate on the Oracle's } table and respectfully bows. The waiter then turns and walks away. } While still concentrating on the question, the Oracle starts to } absentmindedly eat his food. } } YOU: Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! } } ORACLE: (apolagetically) Oops... Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle the courtesy of keeping quiet while you're being } eaten, or another plate of non-living fettucini } Alfredo{rlinn@fscvax.fsc. mass.edu}.