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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, > >       Sir, I must protest.  The amount of noise coming from your > abode is entirely unacceptable.  I can understand a little get together > once and a while, but holding a "Come as your fetish" party is > inappropriate. I must say that the fellow dressed as "The Invertebrate > Kingdom." was in rather bad taste. > >       I work very, very hard all day. My job requires care and > attention to detail.  Please hold the noise to a minimum. > >                               Your downstairs neighbor, >                                       Mr. Beelzebub

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, go to Hell. } } Or rather, stay there. } } You think the Oracle LIKES those mephitic stenches wafting up from your } abode, you old devil?  Or the screams of tormented souls in agony at } all hours?  Can't you give them time off for good behaviour or } something? } } Care & attention to detail, sulfur-breath?  Most people damn themselves } out of their own stubborn pride and stupidity.  Your work is a mere } formality, not like mine. } } Go prod yourself with a pitchfork.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, >  wise and experienced, >   please tell me, why didn't the Chicago Cubs make it to >   the World Series again this year, though they managed to >   have an average of over .500 for a few days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, }   bewildered and bozotic, }     Under the terms of the North American Free Trade Agreement, signed }     this year by George "equally bewildered and bozotic" Bush, the }     World Series championship is scheduled to go to Canadian teams for }     the next eight years, in exchange for a 30% cut in Canadian tariffs }     on medium- and heavy-gauge sheet steel. } }     Next year, Guadalajara will be fielding the American League's }     newest expansion team, and will take home the championship from }     2001 through 2004.  Thereafter, though, your beloved Cubs will be }     free to "really" compete, as ever.  Yeah, right, like they had a }     chance anyway. } }     You owe the Oracle the complete "bobbing-head world leader doll" }     collection.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nice bell bottoms.  What's you sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, verily, Ah am glad you hayave asked of me this QUESTION, this } BURNING QUESTION that must be ayanswered by me, The ORACLE of GAWD, } for verily, you are SINFUL and INSIGNIFICANT  and DAYSERVE TO DIE } SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY, but the LAWD has given Me a SIGN! } } YAYES!  The LAWD has appeared to me in the FORM of a 30-FOOT TOFU } FRANK and the LAWD did spake unto Me, SAYING, "GO FORTH AND AYNSWER } SOME QUESTIONS FOR I HAVE CHOSEN THEE TO DO MY GOOD WORK ON THE EARTH } WHICH WILL REQUIRE A HUGE AMOUNT OF CASH AND OTHER LIQUID ASSETS." } And Ah am here before you now, humbly begging, nay, PLEADING with you } to HELP Me in the LAWD's work by sending me NOW your love donations of } CASH!! } } Y'all owe the Oracle a large check made out to "Rev. Oracle's } Bell-Bottom Bible College."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and ecologically sound Oracle, > new horror news from all around the globe every day! Almost each day > a new species of animals is being threatened from extinction! > So tell me; when will Oracles be extinct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'd stop harassing me and let me spend some time alone with Lisa } for once, they WON'T be!!   <ZO--oh, what's the use.  Here's your } answer: } } Extinction is, of course, a very serious problem on this little planet } of yours, but fortunately it's not something that Oracles have to worry } about anytime soon.  Contrary to what you may believe, the Oracle as a } species is alive and flourishing quite well.  Not that we're all } unconcerned about Earth and its ecology -- my friend the IRS Audit } Oracle is convinced that there will someday soon be a reckoning, while } the Traffic Light Oracle thinks that it's all just going to come to a } stop.   The Weather Oracle believes that the outlook is fair; but he's } wrong most of the time, anyway. } } We've considered having a summit on the subject, but only a few of us } have the interest, and the Airport Luggage Oracle, the Lost Car Keys } Oracle and the Commercials-On-During-the-Game Oracle can usually never } make it.  The only one who's good at hitting off gatherings like this } is the Social Oracle, and he's off doing some drafts for English } tabloids.  So, sorry, my friend, but you humans are gonna have to } figure out this problem for yourselves. } } Now, if I can FINALLY get back to---   Lisa??  DAMN, she left again! } I'm really getting tired of this job...... } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a recycling project and the phone number for } the 976 Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle,  who is wise in the ways of snack food,,, > > When Dali said "God is Cheese...No, a mountain of Cheese."  he noted > the connection between dairy products and religion.  What about the > other food groups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: ORACLE } } Well, supplicant, (munch munch) let's see... } A lot depends on which religion you look at.  For instance: } } Buddha is boneless spare ribs; a bit fatty and very tasty, but not very } filling. } } Hare Krishna is cherry tomatoes.  You have to eat the whole thing at } once or not eat it at all.  If you try to just take one bite, you'll } end up with slime all over your shirt. } } Allah is porridge.  Quite well known, and sticks to your ribs, but gets } pretty boring after a while. } } Confucius is fortune cookies.  You never know if the message is going } to make any sense at all. } } Jehovah is beef jerky.  Kosher, of course.  Tasty enough to still be } interesting, but pretty damn old.  You have no idea how long it's been } around or if it's moldy yet. } } Christian Science is light beer.  You drink it so you don't feel } guilty, but the only difference between it and regular stuff is in your } mind. } } Finally, Reverend Moon is good pastry.  Very flaky. } } You owe the Oracle a membership in the Gourmet Groundhog of the Month } club.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well-hung and real smart Oracle, >       Does anybody want me as a Christmas present? > --Debbie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Debbie, let's see... } } Ah, Debbie, I'm sure this must be a mistake but I can't find you on } anyone's wish list... Hang on, I'll pull the records and see what's } going on here. } } Ok, here we go.  Let's see... you did Dallas, Denver, both Dakotas... } This is most unusual, it says here you made LOTS of personal contacts } on these trips... } } Oh.  Ok.  Here we go.  This explains it. } } Ah, Debbie, remember when you did Disney?  Geez, look at these } pictures!! I didn't know mice could do that!  Oh, sorry.  Anyway, after } you left, Sneezy was feeling a bit down and went to see the Doctor. } Well, it turns out that his recurring cold was only a symptom of a much } worse problem. It looks like he got it from Snow White, that coma she } was in DID NOT originate from any apple (unless you count the one that } Eve munched on). } } Well, the bottom line is, Sneezy talked. } } Yeah, under advise of his physician, he notified all of his partners, } past and present, except you.  He couldn't find you.  Yeah, here it } is... you were off doing Denmark when he was trying.  Well, since he } couldn't find you, and given your "social" skills, his physician } decided to notify the the planet.  I don't understand why I didn't hear } about this.  I must have been out for a few days. } } Wait a minute.  What's the date on this? } } Oh shit. } } DAMN IT DEBBIE!!!  This is dated before you did the the Derby!!  _I_ } was the head jockey!!  Oh man, what am I going to tell Lisa?  I'm in } deep shit. I'll _never_ hear the end of this!  Oh, the curse of } immorality, I mean immortality... } } You owe the Oracle a believable explanation, a grovel I can use with } Lisa and the profits made by Burroughs Wellcome for the next ten years.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose face should appear on every bit of currency we have on > this planet, please answer this question: > > How come when I press my eyeball like this I start seeing all these > colors I've never seen before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pressing on your eyeball like ... THIS ... compresses the } vitreous humour with the precise degree of force required to } stimulate the pineal gland into opening the third eye, } allowing you to perceive, briefly, many of the transocular } colors.  Most of these have names you won't have heard, because } they're not even in the 64-crayon Crayola box. } } Before they fade, now, I'll jot down some of them for you... } } burnt umbrage } aquifer } marmorial ebony } ultrapiscine } hominoid pink } saprophagous } maudlin } lesser viridian } sea slug } sky puce } olive indigo } fluorescent gray } } You owe the Oracle a crayon sharpener that won't jam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom is more infinite than the cardinality of > real numbers, who can understand Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure > Reason (well, I guess no one can do that, but you can <ZOT!> him if you > wish, and that's even better), who doesn't have to leap tall buildings > because you can do everything from your terminal, please, I ask only > that you frame your answer in terms that my puny brain can > understand... > > Doesn't the fact that many of my species of sewage slime refer to you > as 'he' when obviously if you have a gender your immense wisdom can > only qualify you as female bother you?  Doesn't it make you want to > <ZOT!> their pea-sized cubicles that ought to house something > resembling brains?  In other words, oh great Oracle, why are men so > stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, }       You've seen through it all.  There is no Lisa -- or rather, when } anyone shows up here looking for Lisa, the Oracle simply puts on some } especially sexy clothing and a stupid expression and shows up calling } Herself Lisa.  Certainly the Oracle has the extreme pulchritude } necessary for the part. }       The Oracle takes pity on men, because their minds are generally } directed into some narrow field of study or work, and apart from that } care only about sex and sports -- in general: there are some notable } and refreshing exceptions. Men are not stupid, just ignorant and } narrow, and it grieves the Oracle to see so many women trying to act } like men and restricting themselves to Careers and Getting to the Top } in Business ans Government, squeezing themselves into a restricted male } mindset and gray flannel business suits with dowdy long skirts. }       Men really are different.  Culture is part of it, but not all. } Take pity on the poor fools.  It's just the way they're built, and they } really can't help it. } } You owe the Oracle another greybearded actor with reasonable sexual } competence to pretend to be the Oracle when visitors show up -- the } old one's going to die happy of sexual exhaustion next month, poor } fellow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great one, viewer of all that is to be viewed, knower of all that > is to be known, doer of all that is to be done, please answer this > question which has been gnawing at my very existence: > > >>How many oracle disciples DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smart aleck.  It only takes eight: one to screw in the bulb, and seven } to determine if screwing in a light bulb is funny enough to be posted } on the network. } } And, lest I be lax in swift judgment, } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTT!!! } } You owe the Oracle a bucket of kiwi juice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT > > Is there a muse for programming? >   If so , what is her address or phone number ? >   Does she have red hair and big (CENSORED) ? > >   What must I do to get her attention? > >   PLEASE HURRY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yes, Supplicant, there _is_ a Programming Muse." } } It turns out that long-neglected documents in Greek mythology do point } to the existence of Prokeduria, the muse of imperative programming } languages.  (Nonimperative programming languages are heathen, laws unto } themselves, and thus godless, so if you need help on that one, you're } S.O.L., buddy) In fact, there is even a Prokeduriac Oath that was taken } by all programmers of the era, a practice which I believe should be } reinstated: } } "In the names of von Neumann, Wirth, Kernighan, and Ritchie, I hereby } swear to create a functional, kludge-free program.  I pledge to write } readable code, utilize top-down design, and never write routines in } assembly unless I am being paid big bucks to do so.  I shall never use } a linked list when an array will do; I shall always optimize my } routines whenever possible; and I will make sure that dumb-ass users } can never, ever crash my program.  I shall only pirate other people's } code when everyone else is doing so, and I will make shameless use of } _Numerical Recipes_ whenever I have number crunching to do.  And should } my C shell turn into VMS, or should I know not if I am working with a } pointer or the variable it's pointing to, may Prokeduria smile upon me, } guide me, and give me inspirations, so long as I credit her in the } source code." } } Since there are so many programmers nowadays, Prokeduria has given up } on helping most mortal programmers, simply because it would take up all } of her time and she'd be unable to continue writing the Olympian } OmniComplier (c).  To get her attention, you must be in truly dire } straits (e.g. an accounting database for a Fortune 500 corp. due } tomorrow that you haven't started) or you must be undertaking some } truly Sisyphean task (e.g. translating a Monte Carlo simulation of } electron densities in a crystal from C++ to COBOL), so if you just have } a five-page program for sophomore year data structures, forget it. } } Why would you want the muse of programming to look like Peg Bundy? } } You owe the Oracle a Monte Carlo simulation of electron densities in a } crystal written in FORTAN, due tomorrow.