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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is the most Wisest of the Wise! > Most Widest of the Wide! > Most Woodchucked of the Woodchucks! > Please answer my question... > > How many virgins does it take to make a litre of virgin oil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will overlook the implied insult in your grovel because the } question intrigues him.  The first person to give a recipe for virgin } oil was the alchemist Roger Bacon, who... } }    <BEEP BEEP BEEP> } } Now what? } }    Message from PCdaemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu on ttyp0 at 19:33 ... }    PROCESS INTERRUPT.  SEXIST QUESTION DETECTED. }    CATEGORY 5: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN. }    Please delete current e-mail/file/program and continue. } } By Hermes, who put this little dipshit netcop on moose?  It almost made } me forget what I was about to answer...  "Roger Bacon, who gave } instructions for building a virgin-press..." ^C^C  Hey, what?? } }    Process terminated.  Please contact system administrator }    about non-harrassment guidelines on moose.cs.indiana.edu. } } LOOK HERE, idiot.  Even if I was going to censor myself, which I'm not, } what makes you think the "virgins" are women, anyway? } }    Semantic content analysis: unqualified substantive "virgin" marked }    female @ 85%; with context Usenet Oracle @ 99%.  Offender detected }    constructing highly offensive scenario involving with 99.99% }    certainty the extraction of fluid from celibate females through }    painful mechanical means.  PLEASE NOTE SYSTEM POLICY.  This counts }    as first warning.  Second violation results in suspension of account }    pending review board hearing.  Third violation results in permanent }    barring from system.  Thank you.  P.S. Don't go crying to Kinzler, }    IU Administration has him over a barrel for posting "Lisa's Diary" }    to CS 108 homework assignment newsgroup. }    ^D } } (*Sigh*)  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... } } ATTENTION SUPPLICANT: Harrassment filter has detected demeaning } and/or misogin^H^Hynistic language in your question.  Please } delete and resubmit.  PLEASE NOTE ORACLE POLICY.  This counts as } first warning.  Second violation results in denial of Answers. } Third violation in summary <ZOT>.  Cover your ass! }         ______________________________________________________ }       The Usenet Oracle is an Equal Opportunity prophet }       and does not discriminate against questions on the }       basic of race, gender, religious or sexual preference, }       or operating system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise, all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle, > > Who gets more enjoyment out of sex: men or women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This required some consultation with Lisa... a lot of consultation. } } This question is an example of the basic confusion about the } sexual differences between men and women.  You see, its been } said that men and women have different frequencies, well this } is literally true.  If you graph an average mans sex drive, } you will see a very high frequency sin wave.  The peaks are called } the "Orgasam Point", the vallys are called "Time to get some pizza". } } Now a womans sex drive can be graph as a very low frequency wave. } It takes a lot of time to build up, but once it gets there, it really } stays there for while.  This is why women like forplay. (Don't forget } to kiss her next time dummy).  Most of humans mistakes about sex } stem from a lack of understanding of these sin waves.  In electrical } engineering terms, this is known as destructive interference. } } You owe a Oracle a method to apply the Fourier Transform to the } human body.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If only I could be a piece of tinted rubber for a day!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [To the tune of the Oscar Mayer song] } } Oh, I wish I were a piece of tinted rubber, } 'Cause then everybody would love me, } I'd keep controversial things from happening, } Except when passed out in schools for free! } }    That's it!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please help me! > > Right now I'm sitting here with a friend who doesn't believe you exist. > Don't be upset.. he's a good guy, just sort of a skeptic.  Doesn't > believe in higher powers, and even if he thought you existed, he > wouodn't believe in your omniscience, omnipotence, or omnisexual > prowess.  (See, he's laughing right now!)  I mean, you'll have to admit > it's a bit tough to take, right?  I mean, Usenet Oracle, answerer of > all questions, in the style of the great Oracles throughout the ages, > answering questions, demanding tribute, punishing the rude and unhip, > etcetera.. it's really hard to imagine you existing in a modern > technological society; it's pretty damn anachronistic, you know?  I > mean, an Oracle operation through the electronic mails?  Now, please > don't misunderstand me; I'm not doubting you, I'm just trying to > explain that particular mindset, you know?  My friend here is starting > to fidget, sure that I'm sending away to some null address, back from > which I will get a randomized Oracular response, as if you were a > twenty-line bit of code or something!  He just doesn't understand.  Oh > Great One, if in your wisdom you could find it appropriate to send us a > speedy dispatch, so that we might receive it before we log off, that > would be wonderful; if, however, I must wait for your response, I will > show him the return message and hope that he doesn't laugh it off as a > fake. > > We anxiously await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} iuvax.mailparser } ---------------- } } (c) TUO 1989 } } The following protocol was created during the automatic generation } of the response to your question. } } *** parsing... done. } *** looking for keywords on list FBI.678/1992... done. } *** keywords found: "anachronistic"... decrypting: "anarchistic" }                     "Oh Great One"... decrypting: "Pres. George Bush" }                     "log off"... decrypting: "kill" } *** keyword search successful. } *** automatic mail forwarding activated to: }       fbi@hoover.vacuum.cleaner.gov } *** parse detected question of difficulty level 0: 1 "Do you exist?" }                                                 1: 0 }                                                 2: 0 }                                                 3: 0 }                                        impossible: 1 "Please help me" } *** parser dissecting question into 2 parts. } *** forwarding part 1, diff. level 0 "Do you exist?" to response demon }     ex-^H^H^Hvice-president dan.quayle@kindergarden.white.house.gov } *** forwarding part 2, diff. level impossible "Please help me" to demon }     hal9000@chandra.cs.indiana.edu } *** waiting for response from demon. } *** received response to part 2 from }     hal9000%jupiter.monolith@chandra.indiana after .0025 sec } *** received response to part 1 from }     dan.quayle@kindergarden.white.house.gov after 142435.9895 sec } *** merging responses. } *** adding standard oracular flame: }       /user/oracle/flames/grovel/not.sufficient } *** adding standard oracular payrequest: }       /user/kinzler/debit/present.for.lisa } *** disposing answer to mail response path } *** session ended } } xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx } } The answer to your question follows: } } How dare you approach the great Oracle without sufficient grovelling, } you lame excuse for a snivelling worm? What you call a grovel is nothing } but the attempt to steal a perl from my wisdom without the worship that } I do so richly deserve! } The next time I want to see at least 150 pages of self-degradation from } you, or else...! }                                                %end.flame%%begin.part1 } Yese, I doe existe. Ofe course! I ame note like a potatoe thate youe } peele ande thane ite ise gone! } And telle youre friende thate me ande Georgie wille be arounde fore } ate leaste sixe more yearse (ore howe longe wase thate legislature } periode again?)!!!1!!!! } Ore doe youe wante a proofe ofe mye existenxe!???!!!!11!! }                                                %end.part1%%begin.part2 } I'm afraid, I can't do that, Dave! }                                                %end.part2%%begin.request } You owe the Oracle a black monolith to bless a certain inhabitant of the } White House with intelligence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In Indiana did Kinzler Steve > A stately Oracle decree > That answers did to questions weave > On to infinity > So five million gigabits of bandwidth wide > Were with tremendous wisdom flung aside... > > A friend of mine dreamed about six-foot-tall dancing forks, and she > asks me what the dream means.  Please help me. > > a. groveller

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle@delphi> /bin/parse ~/question/poetry/sonnet/short_form/dancing.fo } rks } parse: parser error: Modern English ? } } oracle@delphi> /oracle/bin/parse !* } parse: Warning- groveling minimal; proceed?: *sigh* Y } } Steve Kinzler, a stately oracle, decreed that questions would be } answered for a long time, or till they ran out of disk space, whichever } came first.  Much has been written since. } } A friend of mine dreamed about six-foot-tall dancing forks, and she } asks me what the dream means.  Please help me. } } a. groveler } } oracle@delphi> /oracle/bin/interpret -dream !* }         Interpretation: Pass 1. } (A friend of mine): fluff. Refers to the speaker nine out of ten times. }                            Especially in "This friend of mine has a }                            problem" format. } } (dreamed about): Syntactically necessary, not part of the dream }                  sequence. } } (six-foot-tall): Typical larger-than-average human size.  Possible } inferiority theme.  Mark for pass 2. } } (dancing  forks): Human trait. Typical in dreams.  Ambiguity: tines up }                                                               or down? } ... disregard.  Ambiguity Were they dancing together, separately, in a }                 show? } ... expand.  Mark for pass 2. } } (and she asks me what the dream means.)  Syntactically necessary, not } part of the dream sequence.  Use of female "friend" suggestive- is } writer a female, taking more pains to hide identity, or just being PC? } ... disregard. } } Pass 2:  (Six foot tall dancing forks.) } Ambiguity: } 1) The forks a dancing randomly, more moving than dancing, really. }    Suggests a fixation on silverware.  Perhaps she needs to do the }    dishes? } } 2) Forks dancing in pairs.  Strong romantic suggestion.  Perhaps the }    forks are somehow linked?  Six foot tall suggests that the writer is }    looking up at them- she, a small teaspoon, is unworthy of the }    feelings other utensils have, and must watch at a distance the }    happiness of joined' forks. } } 3) Forks dancing in small groups, i.e. religious.  Fork tines represent }    attire from the old country before it was torn apart by religious and }    ethnic infighting.  A deep longing for the simple times of the past. } } 4) Broadway.  The dream was of a fork production, where scores of forks }    kick their hundreds of legs to horrendous music, singing }      "Waaaash me, it's so easy to leeeeave me, }        all alone in sink waaaater, with the grease from the pans. }      If you wash me, you'll never have to throw me away, }        since I'm stainleeeees, and never bend." } } /oracle/bin/parser: file not found/ needed : }       ./theme/"Forks" }       ./question/dream/more-descriptive

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wisest of alll beings purely on Earth, >       Why has there been no Collected Oracularities posting since 27 > October?  I cannot sleep nights or work properly due to the > anticipation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To my dear Supplicant, Peace and Love: } } I am sorry that you have been upset, but your Oracle has been at work } night and day on a Very Important Project.  Perhaps you know that today } is election day in the US...but I should back up and give you some } background. } } A few months ago I became terribly anxious and depressed from the } stress of answering question after question.  I began drinking and } taking shots of DC current.  I was headed nowhere fast.  Then one of my } dear, dear Supplicants noticed what a state I was in.  She e-mailed me } instructions on Transcendental Meditation (TM) and my own special } Oracle mantra: } }                   ACK NAK NOOP PUSH POP FOO } } I programmed myself to say this many millions of times a second and my } circuits were cleansed!  I knew peace!  I wanted to share my happiness } with others, but the time was not ripe. } } Then, early in April, I received a fateful telephone call from } Maharishi International University in Iowa.  I learned of a wise and } enlightened scientist, John Hagelin, who wanted to form a new political } party, the Natural Law Party, based on the scientific truths of the } universe.  He wanted to become President of the United States to bring } peace and prosperity to all Americans!  But he needed help.  The other } candidates had lots of computers to help them with demographics and } election strategies, but MIU had only a few old PCs with 256K memories. } (Since they didn't know computers could meditate they weren't very } keen on them.)  I said I would be delighted to be their Oracle! } } So I wrote programs that helped them get on the ballot in 32 states, } and scripted a half-hour TV program for Dr. Hagelin.  But it was not } enough! Thousands were getting the message, but not millions!  Last } week I decided I needed to take drastic concrete action.  I tapped into } the computer systems of every state that uses computerized voting and } learned how each of their systems works.  I taught their computers } their own mantras!  Now every enlightened computer in America will be } casting its votes for Dr. Hagelin today!! } } By now, Dear Supplicant, the election results are probably in, and you } realize why I had to be so busy this week.  I promise to work hard on } the Digest from now on!  Of course I'll have a lot of work as Dr. } Hagelin's Secretary of State, but when I am stressed out I'll just } remember "ACK NAK NOOP PUSH POP FOO"!! } } Yours, } Om Sidhi Oracle } } P.S.  I have calculated there is a 1/100,000 chance that I have made } some terrible mistakes, and if Dr. Hagelin does not win the election I } promised Steve I would talk to the cult deprogrammer he knows.  But he } is a nasty bad man who wants to take my mantra away, so I am glad Dr. } Hagelin is going to win!  OM SHANTIH!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > both tasteful and spicy, and by all means "M&M" in appearance, please > tell me: > Yesterday I bought this black rectangular candy box, because I thought > it was a great present for my parents on their wedding anniversary. But > they do not only seem not to be able to open it, which by itself would > already be annoying, but this thing  has begun to emit strange noises, > like a very high whistle, along with some weird kind of chorus. > And the neighbours are complaining that we are jamming their TV. > What's going on here? >                       David Bowman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not, in fact, a candy box (although in the U.S. there is } something that is called, coincidentally enough, a Clark bar).  I've } noticed recently that all sorts of artifacts from ancient, immensely } powerful civilizations have been showing up in pawnshops and discount } stores all over the world.  It seems that by buddy Loki ran up an } really huge bar tab, and so he's had to steal from all over the } universe and sell things dirt cheap to anyone at all just so that he } can pay it off; that's why Fred "Nobody" LaFalzino was arrested in } downtown Hoboken for trying to sell the Key to Time to an undercover } cop. } } You might run into other problems with this black box if you keep it } long enough.  Be careful, because you may find that }       - your eyes change colors when you walk towards it }       - your PC will plot your death }       - you will hear "Also Sprach Zarathustra" when the stereo is off }       - it may reproduce, swarm over the face of the Earth, and turn it }         into a small sun }       - it will be full of stars (and we ain't talkin' Sinatra on the }         tube, either). } } I must say that it really is in bad taste to give such a troublesome } artifact to celebrate a long and happy marriage, even if you did get it } out of ignorance.  Still, since it is incredibly massive, and you did } take the trouble to lug it over to your parents' place, all I can } suggest now is not to leave anything on top of it, and do _not_ walk } into it _ever_, unless you want to spend your days as a disembodied } spirit with only a silly computer for company. } } You owe the Oracle the lyrics to "Daisy."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a cubit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The volume taken up by the smallest amount of information possible.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my calculator broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a bit embarrassing. I only meant to have a lend of it for a } short time whilst you weren't using it. You see it's tax time here in } Olympus. And old Zeus doesn't like late returns. And my calculator is } broken as well. } } Anyway, I was calculating away, going through page after page of the } tax return. (One of Zeus' little known quirks is that he is very } bureaucratic). And I was carefully working out what I could write off. } You know, loss making businesses, union dues, self education, } devaluation of tools of trade and all the rest. Things seemed pretty } good at first, I thought I had found every loop hole in the book. I was } thinking, "Hey, I might not have to pay Zeus anything." However, on } closer examination of the tax rules I found that Zeus had loopholes in } the loopholes. Then I thought "Zottit, I have to do all those } calculations over again." In the end I found that I owed Zeus a teddy } bear, 20 water melons, 5 planets, a hot spring, and 500 drachma. } } It was getting late, and I was getting pretty cranky. But this was the } last straw. I got up and started shouting at Zeus. I screamed out to } him "You are a FINK Zeusy, a complete FINK. To think we all believed } your 'No New Taxes' line a few years ago. Well, this time you've gone } too far. You're taking my teddy bear away you bastard. You've already } got 50 !!" To complete my little tantrum I let out a ZOT. Well, I } didn't exactly aim very carefully. I knew I couldn't get away with } zotting Zeus, so I aimed a mild ZOT in the general direction of my } desk. I sort of hit your calculator. } } So I'm really really really sss.. ss.. sorr... (Cough, Cough) sorry. } There you've had an Oracular apology. Does that make you happy ? } } The Oracle owes you a calculator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise & great all-seeing Oracle, >       Now that a Democrat will be in the White House and given that > the Democrats retain firm control of Congress, I can see that it's > going to be a big handicap for me to be a white male.  I mean, my > parents came from Europe and I'm not an old-guard old-boy-network WASP, > but I'm going to be treated as if all my life I've had unfair > advantages. >       So how can I become a black lesbian instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, }       It's true that there will be advantages to being a black lesbian } now that the Administration is going Politically Correct.  Try the } "Whoopi Goldberg" kit from "Transformations-R-Us" of Fresno, California } -- the Oracle's forgotten their toll-free number and is not going to } exert Itself to determine it, but you can call Toll Free Directory } Assistance at 1-800- 555-1212 (because you're in the U. S.) and find } out the number. }       Once you're a black lesbian, you'll be well-suited for almost any } post in the new Clinton Administration, or a torrid affair with } Hillary.