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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've just changed into Lisa!  One of your incarnations, O Oracle, warned > me that this might happen if I didn't stop mentioning her in questions. > But I want Lisa, I don't want to _be_ her.  How can I become the old me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, don't worry about it.  I don't have any real power; I'm just } informational, that's all.  Take a look at those things you mistook for } Lisa's bountiful breasts.  They're just your shirt pockets, stuffed with } Kleenex, which you put there last night because you had a cold.  Check } your groin, and you will find that you still have a penis. } } You owe the oracle ... } } No, no, you dodo!  Check the *FRONT*! } } ...  some more questions about Lisa, but some good ones this time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am addicted to being the Oracle.  Every day I send up to 30 "ask me" > requests, and whenever any of the responses I give as the Oracle appears > in the Usenet Oracularities, the addiction grows even stronger.  My work > is suffering.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is not a toy! } } How dare you, a small puny mortal, pretend to be the mighty Oracle.  The } Oracle suggests that you take 10 asprin evry time you send an "ask me" } request; this should soon cure you of your affliction.  This will also } cure you of any other worldly feelings that you may have.  (Those under } the age of 18 can use 10 gravel chippings instead)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aren't you really a unwed Wendy-Dilemma'd lesbian humpback whale-nun who > got pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat in a public restroom in Grand > Central Station? > > If so, I'm the father of your child.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So there you are, you bastard!  You never write, you never call, and } little Johnny has to tell the kids at school that he's an orphan!!  I } have to work at being this stupid Oracle all day long, and all I get for } it is stupid questions and stuff I can't use, like 300 bottles of Dr. } Pepper, or 25 used condoms! } } You owe the Oracle $32,547,891.17 in back child support payments.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the pollen go? (refer Grease II).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, some of it goes up, and some of it goes down, } and some of it goes all about and pollens up the town, } and some just goes up Bush's nose, and makes the poor geek sneeze, } and some of it drifts here and there, as happy as you please. } and some goes so far off to sea, and some hangs in the air, } and some of that which drifts and hangs gets in my lover's hair.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any point to Tarot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To mere mortals, Tarot has basis only in superstition.  However, to } powerful Oracle-type beings, Tarot is extremely powerful.  Some weeks } ago, I had friends over, and we accidentally used the Tarot deck to play } poker.  I drew a full house, and there was a powerful earthquake in } which several people died. } } You owe the Oracle one Woody Allen book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I'm having sex with Immanuel Velikovsky, where should I put the glue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Around your navels.  Be certain to use lots of a good-quality } cyanoacrylate:  it's a real turn-on for old Manny to be glued by the } navel to anybody, and with such a glue one has the illusion that the } bond is permanent.  Acetone or nail-polish remover will unglue you two, } though only slowly. } } Have fun!  Haff Goot Sex! } } Ach, schidt!  the Oracgle hass schanged indto Doktor Ruth Vestheimer!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Fred Sabernick choose to place the following in his kill file > /: *Usenet Oracularities #*/:j >       ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because: } } 1. In Unix, * matches an arbitrary string of characters. } } 2. The /string/:j command deletes all news messages which match string }    (remembering that string is interpreted as a pattern; see 1.) } } 3. Fred Sabernick is a lout and an ignoramus, and therefore prefers not }    to read wisdom communicated to him by netnews, with this particular }    string of characters in the header (remembering that the *'s in the }    string match any string of characters; see 1.) } } 4. Fred Sabernick had, at a young and tender age, had his fingers tied }    together with strings, and is therefore psychologically unable to }    deal with strings.  (remembering that * may match a string; see 1.) } } You owe the Oracle a blue otter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I have wild sex with Helmut Kohl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  First determine what sex Helmut Kohl actually is. } } 2.  Learn to moan in German } } 3.  Have liberal views on global conquest. } } 4.  Most importantly, large quantities of mind-altering drugs. } } Not required, but helpful, would be: } }   experience with german shepards. }       b:  a map of Europe tattoo. }       c:  experience with high-voltage equipment. }       d:  Extremely low self-esteem.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why not?  How can you ask such a silly question?  There are so many } reasons why not that even an idiot could find them. } } 1.  The latex would disintegrate -- you *have* to use water-based }     lubricants. } } 2.  The dog would be far too small. } } 3.  You couldn't fit all that chocolate pudding in one car, not even a }     stretch limo. } } 4.  The wrestler wouldn't be strong enough to pick her up without }     mechanical assistance. } } 5.  Nobody can eat *that* many rutabegas. } } 6.  You have not taken into account the possibility that someone will }     call the police, simply because of the smell. } } 7.  Even if the butler is able to get the drugged Chambourd poured over }     the salmon mousse in time, he will not be able to make the bed with }     the new silk sheets before the ocelot arrives. } } I could go on, but there's no point. } } You owe the oracle a new plot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I went to a party yesterday - or anyway I think so, I can't really > remember what I did last night.  When I woke up this morning, however, > my body was aching in strange places and there was a strong scent of > perfume in the air.  Also, there were some long, dark hairs on my > pillow.  To add to the mystery, there's a dress and a bra lying on the > floor.  And someone is taking a shower in my bathroom!!! > > Could you please explain to me hat has happened????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what happened.  You went to the party, and there were some } oysters there.  You had an oyster, with horseradish, and then another } one with lemon.  Then you went a bit crazy, and had three more with } assorted condiments.  You left the party as if possessed by furies, } stole a weight set from an innocent sports supply store, and ran home } and worked out with it.  You have concealed it in a closet.  You then } tore off your clothes, forgetting to put them in the laundry basket } (that's the dress and the bra), dyed your hair, and tore it out and } threw it on your bed.  Then, you threw all the little jars of cosmetics } and such on your dresser at the opposite wall, just for the fun of } seeing them smash.  That explains the perfume.  However, you forgot to } lock your door last night, so Dan Quayle (who had forgotten where he } lives) came in and is taking a shower in your bathroom. } } You must stop eating those oysters. } } You owe the oracle a dozen quahogs.