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} THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING DESKS
} Original Screenplay by Sally Caves
}
} [Scene 1: A 1950s suburban elementary school. Blackboard with
} handwriting exercises, American flag, apple on desk, etc.]
}
} Billy Harbrace: OWW!!!
}
} Mary Pietrowski: What's the matter, Billy?
}
} [Camera zooms in on Billy's right hand. It is lined with a thin
} trickle of blood.]
}
} Billy: (Crying) I was resting my hand inside my desk, and just now
} when I pulled it out my desk BIT me!
}
} [Dissolve]
} [Scene 2: A 1950s high-school detention room. PAN to clock on wall,
} which reads 3:30. PAN to the room's only occupant, Fred "Fonz"
} Fonseca, asleep with his head on his desk. Sudden BELL.]
}
} [Fonz jolts awake and attempts to stand upright and leave the room.
} He is trapped by the desk. With increasing frenzy he attempts to
} shake free of the desk, to no avail.]
}
} Fonz: Auggh!! It's...SHRINKING!! I can't get out! (Etc., ad lib.)
}
} [Dissolve. PAN to clock, which reads 3:45. PAN to Fonz lying still
} on the floor. Camera angle makes it clear he has been all but
} bisected by his desk. Fade.]
}
} [Scene 3: Police Station. Young Bud Wheelwright, star of the college
} varsity football team, has just rushed into Chief Wizener's office.]
}
} Bud: I tell you, Chief, you've got to believe me! They were killed by
} THEIR DESKS!! The desks are shrinking!! You've got to do
} something!!!
}
} Chief: Bud, Bud, you know I look the other way when you and the boys
} have a little fun after a game, but this is going too far. Where's
} the bottle? Who's been selling to you?
}
} Bud: (Choking back a sob) I'm not drunk! I'M NOT DRUNK!! (Growing
} increasingly frenzied) THE...DESKS...ARE GOING...TO KILL US...
} ALL...
}
} [Deputy Jones slips up behind Bud and puts a hammerlock on him as the
} Chief quickly steps forward and snaps a pair of handcuffs on his
} wrists.]
}
} Bud: (being dragged to a cell) NO....NO-OOO....NOOO-OOOOOO!
}
} [Scene 4. College math class. Professor Eierkopf is standing at the
} blackboard, his back to the class, scratching his head and jotting
} down complicated formulas.]
}
} Eierkopf: Now, the integral root of E^3 divided by the inverse
} logarithmic coefficient of the velocity should yield...
}
} [Increasing tempo of strangled noises, muted shrieks, and moans from
} off-camera.]
}
} Eierkopf: ...the exponent of... Now, really, class, I must insist, we
} must have quiet... the relative force of the mass times time...
}
} [The screams are becoming too loud to ignore. Muffled thumps grow
} louder.]
}
} Eierkopf: (turning) Class, I INSIST....
}
} [ZOOM in to full-face closeup of Eierkopf in sheer horror. CUT to
} view of class, where about half the students are struggling against
} their desks in the last throes of strangulation, while the other
} half are already lying motionless on their sides. Music CRESCENDO
} and fade.]
}
} [Scene 5. Outside the University. Military vehicles, sounds of
} sirens and airplanes. Crowd scene of soldiers. Slow zoom to
} Colonel Peterson of the Army, talking with Professor Bright of
} the Chemistry Department.]
}
} Col. Peterson: So, if I understand you, the smallest fragment of wood
} from an alien desk is enough to cause an ordinary desk to mutate?
}
} Prof. Bright: Well, it's not a mutation, strictly speaking. In
} scientific terms it would be considered a pathological
} extraterrestrial viral invasion of the molecular substructure of
} the organic material in...
}
} Col. Peterson: (exasperated) Look, Professor, with all due respect,
} I'm trying to save lives, not win a Nobel Prize. What will it take to
} wipe out the...mutation, virus, whatever?
}
} Prof. Bright: I'm afraid nothing short of total annihilation at an
} instantaneous temperature of over 1 million degrees Centigrade.
}
} Col. Peterson: Professor, I'm a military man! In plain English, what
} do we have that will do that?
}
} [ZOOM shot of Prof. Bright smiling grimly.]
}
} Prof. Bright: Nothing... except... the H-BOMB!
}
} Col. Peterson (grimly resolved, speaking into his walkie-talkie):
} Lieutenant, get me Air Force HQ...
}
} [Scene 6. Bud frantically sawing away at the bars of his cell with a
} case-knife.]
}
} Bud: They...(puff)...can't drop...(puff) the Bomb...(puff puff)...must
} tell them about...(puff) gamma-ray molecular neutralizer...
}
} [Scene 7. Mid-range shot of B-52. JUMP to cockpit.]
}
} Pilot: I don't like this. The Japs, that was war, but this is
} Plainville, USA.
}
} Co-Pilot: You heard the Colonel. It's either Plainville...or all of
} us!
}
} [Engine sound CRESCENDO.]
}
} [Scene 8. University.]
}
} Colonel: Zero hour minus five and counting.
}
} [Two MPs rush up dragging a struggling Bud. Another MP hands the
} Gamma Ray Molecular Neutralizer to the Colonel.]
}
} MP: We caught a Russkie spy, Colonel...
}
} Bud: NO!! NO!! I'm Bud Wheelwright, from State U.! I can stop the
} desks... the Gamma Ray Molecular...
}
} Colonel: Shut up! If you're an American, maybe you can tell me who
} played first base for the American League team in the 1952 World
} Series?
}
} Bud: I... I... I don't know, sir, I'm mostly a *football* fan...
}
} [Colonel pulls an automatic pistol from his holster.]
}
} Colonel: Here's a message to take back to Moscow, Ivan!
}
} [Camera ZOOM to Colonel's set face as the crack of a single bullet
} is heard.]
}
} [Scene 9. Long shot of University, then JUMP CUT to B-52. JUMP CUT
} to University. A second or two of silence, then CUT to classic
} pic of mushroom cloud.]
}
} [Scene 10. Soldiers in radiation suits approaching the Colonel. Lead
} soldier doffs his helmet.]
}
} Soldier: We got them all, Colonel. Ran a sweep. The desks are gone.
}
} Colonel: (Face front to camera, as music swells) Men, sometimes...
} a few must sacrifice...that all...may live... God Bless America!
}
} [Scene 11. A darkened room with cinder-block walls. Camera pans to
} sign: "State U Bomb Shelter." SLOW PAN to center of room. Several
} DESKS are there in a loose circle. As menacing drum beats gradually
} crescendo, first one desk, then another, then all, begin to vibrate
} and then creep slowly across the floor.]
}
} [Closing text: THE ... END ??? ]
} [Credits]
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