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} And now, direct from the top of the building that towers over all your
} miserable hovels, in the richest part of town and staring right at you
} through huge gaps in his teeth and I.Q., it's DAAAAA-VIIIIID
} LETTERMAAAAAAAAAAAN! Tonight's star attractions: Whoopi Goldberg -
} Pearl Jam - The Usenet Oracle - Stupid Pet Tricks - ... and Paul
} Schafer with the World's Most Dangerous BAND!
}
} <applause, followed by monologue, followed by extreme close-up of
} Dave's gap teeth>
}
} "Our first guest on tonight's live Late Night is a woman we're all
} increasingly and nauseatingly familiar with these days. She's an
} actress, comedienne, has her own talk show, and moonlights as Guinan on
} Star Trek: The Next Generation. Let's all give a big welcome to WHOOPI
} GOLDBERG folks!"
}
} (unexpected scuffling backstage. An indignant voice rips out)
}
} "What do you MEAN I have to wait my turn? Get out of my way! I should
} have top billing! You aren't even a GENUINE alien bartender! Why I
} oughta..."
}
} (a loud charring noise is heard from behind the curtains. The smell of
} ozone fills the studio. The curtains part, revealing a tall,
} disturbingly handsome Usenet Oracle. Dave stifles an impulse to gag.)
}
} "You didn't see that Paul" he says.
}
} (Paul smiles behind his shades, nods his balding head, and picks a bad
} time to start playing "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". The Oracle sits
} himself comfortably in a sofa that hovers an inch or so above the
} ground. It hadn't been there a moment ago. The crowd applauds
} appreciatively. They have no choice.)
}
} "Well, Oracle. Nice to have you on the show. What have you got for us
} today?"
}
} (The Oracle takes a small plastic-wrapped box from under his arm and
} puts it in his lap.)
}
} "Thanks Dave. It's good to be back, and boy have I got a surprise for
} you."
}
} "What's that you've got in your hand, Oracle?"
}
} "Well Dave, seeing the way you dress and the outdated jokes you use,
} you may not know this yet but, heh-heh, it's the nineties. The '90's,
} Dave. It's an important time to be thinking about what people want
} next. It's a new age of reason and liberality."
}
} "You're talking about president Clinton."
}
} "I'm talking about plastic girlie toys, homeboy."
}
} "What?"
}
} "I'm talking about Barbie and Ken dolls, nerdball."
}
} (The Oracle pulls a doll out of the box. It is a replica of a young
} man, handsome, stylish wavy hair, and bathing suit."
}
} "Ehr, it's got tits on it, Oracle."
}
} "So?"
}
} "Ken's not supposed to have tits."
}
} "So?"
}
} (Dave takes a close look at the doll's pelvic region)
}
} "A SPLIT-CROTCH SWIMSUIT? Oracle, this doll doesn't even have a... you
} know... a..."
}
} "Twelve-inch willy, Dave?"
}
} "YEAH!"
}
} "That's because, Dave, this is the...
}
} CROSS-DRESSER TRANSVESTITE ACTION KEN DOLL!!!
} (Tm.)"
}
} "You must be joking."
}
} "Dave, would I kid you? This is what the public wants! This is what
} it NEEDS! The masses cry out for Ken dolls with bazongas! Ever since
} Ken and Barbie appeared several decades ago, he's been wearing peach
} and cream suits, lime-green leisure suits, and sunglasses perched over
} his oh-so-permed hair! This is the Ken Doll of the nineties! HE'S COME
} OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!"
}
} "What will they think of next. Well, thanks for coming on Oracle.
} We'll go to commercial, folks, and come right back with Stupid Pet
} Tricks and Pearl Jam. Stay tuned."
}
} (throws pencil. Sound of cat being torn apart by chainsaw. Obvious
} audio F/X problem...)
}
} "No WAIT, Dave! I haven't FINISHED! Wait'll you see my BUTCH-ACTION
} HAIRY LEGS BEER-SWILLING BARBIE DOLL! They'll love her up in
} DesMoines!!! THEY..
}
} (fade to black)
} ------------------------------
}
} Oh damn. You owe the Oracle a spot on Geraldo. Where'd I put my
} ZOT-gun...
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![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
