Goto:

502, 502-01, 502-02, 502-03, 502-04, 502-05, 502-06, 502-07, 502-08, 502-09, 502-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most intelligent, wise, and sagacious Oracle, who knew ten minutes in > advance what grovel I was going to write, thus negating the need for me > to write it in the first place, please deign to tell me... > > Do you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would not, could not, eat green eggs and ham, } Not in .net } Not in .com } I would not, could not, Lowly Oraclette man, } I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. } } Would you try them in .gov? } } No, I would not, could not, try them in .gov, } Not in the net, } Not in .com, } I do not like green eggs and ham! } } Would you eat them with a fork? } } No, I would not, could not, eat them with a fork, } I would not, could not, eat them with a man, } I would not, could not, eat them, Lowly Oraclette Man, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } Not in dot gov, } Not in the net, } Not in .com, } I would not, could not, with a fork, } would not, could not, with a man, } I do not like green eggs and ham!! } } Would you eat them in a queue? } } No, I do not like green eggs and ham, } Not in a queue, not on a DEC, } I would not, could not, on arpanet! } I do not like green eggs and ham, } I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man! } Not in .net and not in .com, } Not in a fork, and not with a man, } I do not like green eggs and ham! } I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man, } I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM! } } Would you try them on a sparc? } } I would not, could not, try them on a sparc, } I would not, could not, eat them in a queue, } not on .gov and not in .com, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } not in a queue, and not with a fork, } not with a man, and not in the IRC, } not in .net and not with xterm, } I would not, could not, in su, } I would not, could not, in rn, } I will not try them with a script, } I will not eat them with common LISP, } I will not eat them while in emacs, } I will not eat them with xfax, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } I DO NOT LIKE THEM, LOWLY ORACLE MAN. } } Would you try them with a cray? } } Ah, yes, well, } With a cray, ... } I kind of like them anyway, } I will try them in the queue, } I will try them with su, } I would eat them in emacs, } I would eat them with xfax, } On dot com, and on dot net } I would eat them with no regrets, } In common LISP, and with C star, } With xterm and with a bar, } I would eat them in dot gov, } I would eat them with a fork, } I would like them with a sparc, } with a script and with rn, } I would eat them again and again, } I do so love green eggs and ham, } I do, I do, email them again. } } You owe the Oracle one Lorax.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > both Nobel-prize winning and well-known not only in scientific circles, > whose results always match with all of his predecessors and whose > computers always give the error bounds of the results precisely up to > the last digit, please listen to my humble query: > I am Deep Shit, the little brother of Deep Thought, and I have > calculated the Answer to Life, the Universe and everything - and I > found it to be 69. This is more than one sigma deviation to what Deep > Thought has published recently. > What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm--if that's really the answer, the Oracle is surprised the } Earth had to take so long to figure out what the question is. } } After examining the bird entrails left on the bottom of my teacup. } The signs are unclear, but one of the following is certainly the case: } }       o You and Deep Thought were in complete agreement.  However, D.T. }         expressed his answer in base 16.75. } }       o You may have saved the universe.  You see, if humanity (or any }         other sentient gestalt hive-mind of at least intensity level }         16.25) should happen to know both the Answer and Question are, }         the universe will of course come to an end.  However, as long }         as they're not _sure_, the universe is safe.  By all means }         report your findings.  Soon you can spark a great deal of }         debate.  "42 or 69?" will be the subject on talk shows across }         the galaxy.  The conservative contingent will of course side }         with "42", just because that answer's been around longer. }         However, the popular vote will be with "69" just because they }         will have listened to hosts of late-night HoloVid shows who }         will remark "Given a choice, I know which one _I'd_ prefer" }         while waggling their eyebrows.  The debates won't make any }         progress and will be completely meaningless, but compared to }         the debates we have now between "the betterment of humanity" }         and "happiness in the afterlife," perhaps an argument about the }         relative merit of two integers is worthwhile. } }       o 69 is the question. "Yes" is the answer.  But you saw that one }         coming, didn't you?  Probably about 16.25 minutes ago... } }       o Obviously, Deep Thought is in error.  I suggest you link up }         with your brother so that you can compare your findings.  To }         halve the communication time, might I suggest a bi-directional }         parrallel hook up, each of you... listen, I don't have to spell }         this out for you, do I?  You spotted the metaphor? } }       o Go ahead and announce your findings, but sign the report with }         Deep Thought's signature.  Your colleagues will pay more }         attention to the work then. } } really-deep-shits@gradient.cis.upenn.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle--please help me! I have a psychology test in 30 minutes and I > haven't read anything! Could you sum up everything I really need to > know about psychology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everything?  Hardly, we haven't the bandwidth.  But I can give you } everything you'll ever need to know about it. } } Freud         If you had a dream, it was about sex.  If someone }               else was in your dream, it was about sex with a }               parent. } } Jung          If you had a dream, it was your ancestors having }               sex. } } Skinner       You're only taking this test because you learned }               the behavior is stimulating. } } Rorschach     Look at this inkblot...okay, you see genitals, don't }               you? } } What may we determine from this?  Psychologists spend entirely too } much time in the lab. } } You owe the Oracle a cute psychologist with a Rorschach tattoo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh > {Atomic,Beautiful,Heavy,Holy,Magnificent,Omnithisandthat,Super,Ulimate} > {Deity,Lord,Master,NetGod,Oracle,Prophet,Sage,Seer,Sultan,Swami,Wizard} > Most {Conchiferous,Oracular,Ontologically-challenged,Potent,Totally > Rad, Wise} With the {Really Bushy Tail,Great Big Feet,Colorful > Scales,Sharp Spines,Great Big Nose} please tell me: > > What was it like in the primordial muck?  Not a Multi-User uCk!  But > the really slopply goo in the where and when and how an amino acid was > made!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beat the living daylight out of me.  All I was doing at that time was } making delicious soup in a large cauldron.  I then added a certain } spice, which shall remain my secret, and the dang thing blew up, } splattering goo everywhere!  The next thing I know is I ended up } answering questions to those that came from this goo! } } You owe the Oracle a $500 refund on a certain Neiman-Marcus cookie } recipe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who never lets a question go unanswered, who knew what > my question would be long before the day my grandmother was born, > please grant me an answer to my question: > > To which doctor should I go for sexual reassignment surgery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now why trust anything that serious to a doctor?  I say go the } "Do-it Yourself" route.. } } % uomd } Usenet Oracle Medical Database } Copyright (c) 300 B.C. Divine Industries Interdimmentional } } Enter Species:  HOMOSAPIEN } ==> Loading.. Done. } Search Topic:  SEX CHANGE } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 1107 articles found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all):  SURGERY } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 961 articles found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all):  DO-IT YOURSELF } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 1 article found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all): } Creating Report.. Done. } }    Entry: 1 of 1 }    Title: The Complete Guide to an at Home Sex Change }  Subject: Sex Change Surgery } Keywords: Sex change, Do-it yourself, Personal Improvements, Surgery, }           Cheap, Genetalia Removal, Self-Mutilation } } The Loose Tooth Method: } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } Obtain a length of wire or twine.  Tie one end to genitals.  Tie other } end to doornob on open door.  Make sure cord is taut.  Slam door. } } Note that this can also be acomplished in a simalar fassion by tying } the other end to a cinder block instead of a door knob, and throwing } the block off of a cliff or tall building.   However, this method has } proved fatal in many instances where, at the last moment, an individual } has changed his mind and jumped after the block. } } The "Look over there.. whoops, was that your penis?" method: } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } ^C--Terminated. } } Hmmm.. I think you get the general idea. } } You owe the oracle a second thought.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, here it is... > Where do you want it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's *it*?!  You mean I waited 4-6 weeks for *that*?  Well, a deal's } a deal, I guess.  [scribbling signature]  There you go...  um... just } put it over there, next to the bookcase.  Thanks! } } [chortling] hee hee!  Wait'll he gets a load of *this*!  Bounce } *my* mail will he... just you wait, Indiana!  Here comes the Oracle! } Hmm... but what about supplies?  Gee, I'd better stock up, in case } this takes a while... } } [...time passes...] } } O-K... lessee what we got: } } "Project Woodchuck" } "Supplies: }       - package from Battle Creek (check) }       - helmet (check) }       - knee pads (check) }       - caulk gun (check) }       - rubber raft (check) }       - fruitcake (check) }       - clarinet (check) }       - extra socks and undies (check check)" } } Right! That looks like everything... now then... } } [turning to terminal] } } universe% finger kinzler@moose.cs.indiana.edu } [moose.cs.indiana.edu] } Login name: kinzler                     In real life: Steve Kinzler } Office:     LH430E, 812-855-6999        Home phone: 812-857-0156 } Directory:  /u/kinzler                  Shell: /bin/csh } On since:   Nov 14 17:16:17 on ttyc1 } } [laugh] } } Lucky day!  He's logged in!  Here goes... } } [placing one finger in a socket in the back of the terminal and typing }  with other hand] } } universe% rassemble ttyc1 < port1 } } [a slight hiss, a bright flash of light, a pause, then a faint chuckle }  from the terminal... "It worked..."] } --- } } You owe the Oracle Steve's Blue Cross premium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What, prey tell, O Great Oracle-meister, am I to do as a vegetarian > when offered animal crackers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh vegetarian supplicant, the answer to your dilemma is complicated. If } you have just sworn off red meat, then you can eat those animal } crackers that are shaped like pigs and chickens (but not rino's and } hippos. Penguins are Ok, though. Bearwich's are out, as are Koala } Yummies) If you are a strict vegeratian, then you cannot eat any animal } crackers. My suggestion is to buy a box of Veggie Thins and avoid the } hassle of figuring out if indeed that is a chicken, or a rhino with a } big... uh.... horn. } } Now, how about some milk to go with those crackers? } } You owe the oracle a box of Koala Yummies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, > I am searching for resources of PDS for DBMS. I heard that > there are some PD versions of Oracle and Ingres. Can you > please tell me where I can find these resources (with the > IP addresses if possible). > > Thank you > > Xxxx Xxxxxx > Nagoya Univ. JAPAN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} white clouds in the sky } see the rain in the bamboo } and ask archie

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From Purdue University: > > In the past few weeks, I have written some decently funny questions > and answers and not one has appeared in the Ocularities. Could it be > becuase I am from Purdue and I prompt my questions with this fact. > > Could our little intra-state rivalry really have gone THIS far?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my chicken, it has nothing to do with your petty rivalries.  It } would appear, however, that you have been perusing the newsgroup } "sci.med.eye," which provides to the Usenet community the invaluable } service of the Monocle.  This lesser deity is all-seeing, but not all } knowing, and as such is able to serve as a somewhat truncated Oracle, } providing raw data without interpretation.  These are published in the } weekly "Ocularities," with which I, the Usenet Oracle, am not } affiliated. } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of white meat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >      I'm suiting up for an explorative voyage into deep space with a > very qualified research group from the other side of the Milky Way. > What happened was, I was just minding my own business in my corn field > and they come down and explained the situation to me.  They don't want > to go all the way back through the galaxy just to replace one crew > member.  I was willing to do the job, I mean as a gentleman(the rest of > the crew consists of 354 22 year-old gorgeous women, and they're all > straight!) I had to oblige.  And after all, how difficult can it be to > be helmsMAN? >      Anyway, I'm allotted what amounts to a little less than 35 pounds > of personal effects.  What memorabilia of my dear Earth can I bring > that will last a lifetime? > > This'll be my last question, > > Golly B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... } Here's a pair of my socks, the smell will last a lifetime. } Here's a bottle of Siberian brandy, the hangover will last a lifetime. } Here's a lump of Cobalt-60, the fallout will last a lifetime. } Here's a Big Mac, the nausea will last a lifetime. } Here's a Congressional Enquiry report, the talk will go on for ever. } Here's a copy of Variety, the gossip will go on for ever. } Here's a copy of War and Peace, it will take you forever to read. } And finally, here's a copy of Reader's Digest, the junk mail will } follow you for ever. } } You owe the Oracle the location of the corn field.