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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great all-seeing Oracle of Usenet, whose seminal vesicles are Extra > Large, > > Why do I strike when the iron is hot, put my nose to the grindstone, > have my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground, and burn the > midnight oil?  It's uncomfortable and expensive, yet I do it anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have asked the mighty Oracle, whose seminal vesicles ARE extra } large, four questions instead of one.  Now the Oracle must strike when } the iron is hot, put the Oracle's nose (also Extra Large) to the } grindstone, have the Oracle's head in the clouds WHILE keeping the } Oracle's feet on the ground, AND burn the midnight oil... The Oracle } is uncomfortable, too. } } Oracle speaketh thus: Why should the mighty Oracle waste its time } doing all these things when a low-life such as you could do it } instead?! What you need to do is find yourself a GRAD student.  And } cause hardship in the grad student's life.  Make the grad student work } long hours, slaving over the hot iron.  Make the grad student put his } or her nose on the grindstone, until it looks like a button.  Make the } grad student stretch until his/her body is ALWAYS reaching from the } ground to the sky... And make the grad student burn not only the } midnight oil, but the daylight oil, AND the saudi's oil.  That is why } the Oracle has given you the gift of the graduate student. } } Go now, and leave the Oracle a graduate student as payment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can I access zipcode information

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The zip code is a simple binary sequence made up of 0 (representing the } teeth on the left hand side of the zip) and 1 (representing the teeth } on the right hand side).  This results in a message consisting of } 010101010101010101......etc, or 101010101010.... depending on which end } you start at or which side of the zip you are standing on.  Needless to } say, this is not particularly helpful or informative, but on the other } hand it does reflect the intelligence of the occupant of your trousers, } in that the last figure in the sequence (*not* the total of the } figures) is your intelligence quotient should you take the time to work } this out. } } You owe the Oracle a non-painful way to get his willie out when it gets } stuck.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle of the Net, > > I'm *dead*, you know.  Can't people get that into their heads? > > --Elvis Presley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would help if you stopped possessing people, you know. After all, } I... uh... } } {Well uh bless my soul ah what's uh wrong with me, }  I'm shakin' like a bit in a binary tree, }  I feel uh omnipotent power flooding through ah my soul, }  I'm a God... I'm the Oracle! }  Whoa oh oh... yeah... oh yeah! } } Well uh} } } now cut that out! As I was saying, } } {Well since my Lisa lef' me, }  I foun' a new net to Use, }  I zot away now every day, }  but I ain't got blue suede shoes. } }  Oh no uh, I'm feelin so} } } I said stop it Mr. Presley! It's behavior like this that } } {You ain't nothin' but a supplicant, }  grovellin' all the time. }  You ain't nothin' but a supplicant, yeah, }  grovellin' all the time. } }  You ain't never made the Oracularities }  and you ain't no priest of mine} } } That does it! You owe the Oracle } } {Take my DOS, }  Take my Cobol, Fortran, and C, }  'cause I can't help }  posting to rec.humor.oracle.d...} } } the Elvis' Greatest Hits collection on 8-track!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle.  Oh wise one, who knows how to make his old > vinyl car top look like new, how to scramble an egg while it's > still inside its shell (and also knows why you would want to do > that.)  One who owns a pocket fisherman, a smokeless ashtray, and > has polished his car with a space-aged polymer so that he can > light it on fire and still keep that gleaming shine, please tell > me: > >      How much would you pay? > >      $79.95? >      $69.95? > > But wait! There's more... Let me tell you what you also get: > >      A 21 volume set of the encyclopedia Britannica >           (Real handy for an Oracle of your stature) > >      A pair of scissors that can cut a penny >           (As if our government doesn't do that well enough) > >      A set of knives that can cut tin cans >           (But you wouldn't want to) > >      Now how much would you pay? > >      $59.95? >      $49.95? > >      How about $29.95? > > Don't answer yet.  There's even more! > >      A years supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat >           (Goes great with w**dch*ck stew) > >      Now how much would you pay? > > All this can be yours for only *$19.95*.  Act now.  Use your > credit card for faster delivery and save C.O.D. charges. > >           Ron Popiel >           Ronco Enterprises >           P.O. Box 3465 >           Roanoke Virginia 20435 > > Thank you, > Your humble supplicant Ron Popiel

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Message from a minion of the Oracle] } } We're sorry.   The Oracle is unable to answer your question as it was } presented to him.  From now and forever your question must be asked by } }                      DIALING 1-900-4-WISDOM }                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ } }         To speak to the most knowledgeble being in the Universe! }         Yes, for just $4 for the first minute and $9.95 for each }         additional minute you can ask the most omniscient Oracle }         about: } }                 o   Your Job }                 o   Your Love Life }                 o   Latest Stock Quotations } }         Juuust listen to our satisfied celebrity supplicants: } }         "Well, after talking to the Oracle, I decided to switch careers }         and become a computer programmer.  The Oracle also helped me }         decide which Carribian Island to buy..."   - Wm. Gates III } }         "Before I called the Oracle, I just couldn't get a date. }         But after just One phone call, just look at me now!" }                                         -Wilt "the Stilt" Chamberlain } }         Call now!  1-900-4-WISDOM!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I an asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... a good question, and one more worthy of my counterpart, The } Usenet Orifice... } } [switch hook...] } } "Hello, you have reached The Usenet Orifice.  In order to process }  your call more efficiently, we have installed this auto message }  forward... }       - For cleaning tips, type "1" now... }       - To make a deposit, type "2" now... }       - To find out "why", type "3" now... }       - To digest..." } } 3 } } "Thank you -- your message has been routed to one of The Usenet }  Orifice's representatives... one moment please..." } } *sigh* } } "Usenet Orifice, this is Mandy speaking, how may I help you?" } } Hi, this is the Oracle in 401H... I've got a supplicant who wants to } know why he's an asshole... } } "One moment..." } } ["...nuthin' more than FEEE-lings...."] } } "Sir?  Here's your answer: } }       'The human asshole serves as a portal through which the wastes }       from digestion pass.  It is a small opening, however, it is quite }       flexible and can stretch to allow passage of larger wastes and }       small rodents.  If the human body were not equipped with such an }       opening, wastes would fill the rectum, back up into the }       intestine, and eventually come blasting out of the throat and }       nose in a fount of vile, offensive spew.' } } Basically, sir, your client is an asshole to prevent his owner from } detonating on the bus." } } ummm... yes, thanks. } } "You're welcome: thanks for calling The Usenet Orifice" [*click*] } --- } } You owe the Oracle a bran muffin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle, >     I have been reading your answers here for some time now, and I am > impressed with your obvious compassion. > The following note was given to me by a friend who is seeking some > help: > > I have a problem, and need your help.... > > I have two brothers. > One is a Postal worker, and the other brother was just sentenced to die > in the electric chair.  My mother died of insanity  when I was three > years old.  My two sisters were prostitutes.  My father sells > narcotics. Recently I met a girl who was released from prison where she > served time for smothering her illigitimate child to death, and I want > to marry her. > > MY PROBLEM IS: > > If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who works for > the Postal Service? > > Signed   TROUBLED > > What would you suggest I tell him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, well, I am nothing if not compassionate, and anyone who says } otherwise is looking to get ZOTted! } } Your dilemma has moved me deeply and I have given it long and careful } thought.  My advice is that you lie through your teeth.  Why risk your } own happiness for the shame of your brother? } } On the other hand, you could run into a distinct problem if you live } on your brother's postal route.  After all, with your beloved being as } she is... well, the next illegitimate child may inherit certain postal } tendencies, if you know what I mean.  Of course, if that happens, you } can always smother the kid to death and I'm sure she'll understand. } } By the way, Mom says she wants you to call home and tell her if you're } gonna be with us at Thanksgiving.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [pop]  Oh most omniscient and [pop] wise Oracle, whose feet smell of > honey [pop] and whose striking handsomness [pop] exceed the magnitude > of even the [pop] national debt [pop]; I humbly beg for the answer to > [pop]: > >       Why can't I stop [pop] playing with these little [pop] >       plastic packing bubbles [pop]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they [pop] contain an addictive [pop] substance that is } released [pop pop] into the air when you [pop] burst them [pop pop } pop].  But don't [pop] worry,  when you run out of [pop] bubbles to } burst, you`ll [pop] give up [pop pop].  Really [pop]. } } Unfortunately, [pop] the Oracle has a huge supply [pop pop pop] of } them, so [pop] It's stuck for a long [pop pop pop pop pop pop] while, } even at [pop pop pop pop] a high rate of [pop] popping them [pop pop } pop]. } } You owe [pop] the Oracle a substance [pop] abuse treatment [pop pop } pop]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that pi=3.1415... and e=2.7172..... > are the most common numbers in nature, yet we > cannot represent them exactly.  Do we really > understand anything?  Is all science at a loss? > Am I even worthy to ask such questions?  Or should > I join the billions and just be one of the heard? > Confused and Uninformed...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's not MY fault you people locked yourselves into such a } pitifully inadequate system of mathematics which you inexplicably } centered around, of all the quaint and illogical things, the fingers } on your hands.  Perhaps you should consider a new counting system, } based on more important things. } } Anyway, God made the important numbers hard to represent so that you } would pay more attention to them.  If He made them too easy for you, } you might ignore them and miss the significant details. } } Here are some better units to count by: } The number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin (another }   irrational number). } The time it takes Kirk to kiss an alien woman. } The woodchuck unit. } The Neilson ratings. } The area of Perot's ears, combined. } The number of coconuts a European swallow can carry (an irrational }   number) } The number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie }   Roll(tm) Tootsie Pop. } Steve Jobs, creator of NeXT (according to his groupies, anyway). } } You owe me a slide rule based upon one of these units.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From Purdue University: > >   I asked all my friends if they would have decided when they were > Freshmen in high school to attend a college with a guy/girl ratio of > 1/17 and they ALL have said no, and I've asked quite a few. Why then > does Georgia Tech have such a large student population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle is sitting at a terminal, answering questions. Lisa is } sitting at a nearby monitoring terminal.] } } Oracle: Next we have a question from Purdue. [Reads question.] Well, }    that's easy. }      "Oh humble supplicant, who really knows how to grovel, Georgia }      Tech has so many students because..." } Lisa: No grovel. } Oracle: What? } Lisa: The petitioner didn't grovel? } Oracle: Are you sure? All petitioners grovel. } Lisa: Check the question. } Oracle: [re-reads question] You're right. Probably got lost in }    transmission. }      "Oh humble supplicant, who probably had a good grovel, Geor..." } Lisa: [who has been examining the transmission log] No dear. No }    transmission error. } Oracle: What? } Lisa: See for yourself. } Oracle: [checks transmission log] Oh. Well, he probably forgot; he's }    from Purdue after all. }      "Oh forgetful supplicant..." } Lisa: No answer allowed. } Oracle: What? } Lisa: The rule clearly states: "no grovel, no answer." } Oracle: Well, maybe you could grovel for him. It's so rare to get such }    an easy question. } Lisa: I wear the leather and chains, and carry the whip around here. }    You do the groveling. } Oracle: Oh yes, that's right. Well, I'll make an exception. }      "I'll let you get away with it this time, but remember in the }      future..." } Lisa: You'll have to ZOT him. } Oracle: What? } Lisa: The rule is clear. "Any petitioner who omits a grovel shall be }    ZOTed. No exceptions!" } Oracle: Are you sure? } Voice from above: SHE'S SURE. NOW STOP STALLING AND GET WITH IT. } Oracle: [looks over his shoulder, nervously] Oh, alright already. }      "ZOT". } [A sizzling is heard, much like a fried egg, sunny side up, yolk } unbroken, surrounded by two - no three - slices of bacon at a 230 F } heat. A smell of ozone, followed by the odor of burnt boot.] } Voice from below: AARRrggg g g  h  h  h   h   .   .   . } Oracle: I hope you're satisfied. [looks glumly at screen] Well, next. }      [reads] "Oh mighty Oracle..." } Lisa: er, Orrie dear? } Oracle: Yes? } Lisa: Why are there so many students there? } Oracle: Aha! Caught you! No grovel. } Lisa: Sexual companions don't grovel. } Oracle: Are you sure? } Lisa: Look here, at the USMC manual. "Sexual companions of Oracles, }    Generals, Colonels and Lt. Colonels are exempt from grovelling." } Oracle: I thought that only applied to Playboy Bunnies. } Lisa: That's true for Lt. Cols. It applies to all companions of higher }    ranks. } Oracle: Oh. [turns back to terminal and reads] "Oh mightly Ora..." } Lisa: How about Georgia Tech? } Oracle: [rolls his eyes, and types on terminal] See - that's the }    answer. } Lisa: [stares at screen] Oh - I see - of course - how obvious.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do women enjoy most about lovemaking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} repetition