Goto:

504, 504-01, 504-02, 504-03, 504-04, 504-05, 504-06, 504-07, 504-08, 504-09, 504-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, who was able to change the Holy Guidelines with the > full support of the Backbone Cabal *and* the unanimous approval of > news.groups, I beg you to answer the question of this most humble > supplicant.  I am as pond scum to your divine intestinal parasites. > Please, please, find it in your heart to grant me an attoscopic spec of > your infinite wisdom. > > I'd like to say right up front that this is a hypothetical question. > No basis in fact whatsoever.  Any similarity to persons, events, or > shirts living or dead is purely the result of distortions caused by a > rift in the space-time continuum. > > Let's say (hypothetically, of course) there was a girl named, oh, say, > let me pick a name completely at random here, Carrie, who had a > hypothetical crush on the supplicant.  Furthermore, the supplicant has, > over the years, formed a deep-seated hatred for Carrie.  Telling her > that doesn't work.  You'd think it would, wouldn't you?  You'd be > wrong. (Not you personally, of course, O hyperglorious Oracle, you're > *never* wrong.)  She just followed the supplicant around all day like a > particularly obnoxious puppy in heat, babbling things like "I know you > love me."  Hypothetically. > > Let's say, furthermore, that the supplicant had a hypothetical shirt. > Plaid.  With fuchsia(*), white, blue, a brownish color, and maybe a > dark hypothetical green. > > (* This should in no way reflect on the manhood of the supplicant.) > > Now, in this hypothetical scenario, Carrie and the supplicant are still > in high school.  The supplicant is carrying the aforementioned shirt > (and wearing another one--the reason why isn't really relevant to the > question).  He sets it down on a nearby desk for a moment and turns > around.  When he looks back, the shirt is *gone* (GONE!) and Carrie is > standing there with this stupid grin on her face. > > So the supplicant is fairly annoyed.  Carrie had obviously stolen his > nice plaid shirt. > > The next day, still speaking hypothetically, of course, Carrie came in > *wearing the supplicant's shirt*!  ARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!  Can you > *believe* it?  Very calmly, I asked her to give it back.  She said "but > <insert supplicant's name here>, I only have a bra on under it!" and > smiled stupidly, as above.  I point out that she certainly has > something in her gym locker that she could change into, but it didn't > help.  She skips around all day saying remarkably witty things like > "I'm wearing <supplicant's name>'s shirt!" > > The next hypothetical day, she didn't return it.  Or the next day.  Or > the day after that.  The supplicant is getting pretty hypothetically > pissed.  When Carrie finally returned the shirt, *it hadn't even been > *washed**!  A situation like that clearly requires nested asterisks. > > Geez, it's years later, and I'm *still* massively annoyed.  So, O kind, > magnanimous Oracle, what should I do to her?  Would it be bloody? > > Hypothetically speaking, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, hypothetically speaking, I don't think I'd care so much about the } shirt because it's kind of ugly anyway.  But I can see the problem. } } Your problem is that in a large number of cases, no means yes.  Let me } explain.  When a guy acts completely uninterested in someone, say, } hypothetically, a girl, then she tends to work all the more hard at } being noticed.  When she is noticed, and given attention, even } hatefully so, then she receives the idea that you do care and will } continue to bug you until your privates fall off or you're in the } grave. } } My suggestion is to elect Carrie Prom Queen and then dump pig's blood } on her. However, I'd get away after that, because she will most likely } destroy the town and hunt down all responsible.  Then you can write a } novel about it, and hide from copyright suits. } } You owe the Oracle purple slacks with orange stripes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most etymological Oracle, > > Who was the first to coin the phrase "Bite Me"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that pi=3.1415... and e=2.7172..... > are the most common numbers in nature, yet we > cannot represent them exactly.  Do we really > understand anything?  Is all science at a loss? > Am I even worthy to ask such questions?  Or should > I join the billions and just be one of the heard? > Confused and Uninformed...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contused and Misinformed, you mean. } } You've obviously been spending too much time with your nose in } mid-level Physics texts and not enough time out in nature.  Pi and e } get a lot of mention in physics (and engineering and math) texts, but } they don't really appear that much in nature.  Let's take a look at } some of the more common questions that people ask me that demand a } numerical answer: } } Question                                                      Answer } --------                                                      ------ } Two trains start 300 miles apart, each travelling... }       How far apart are they when they pass each other?       0 } } If you were building a computer solely to work with real }       numbers (i.e. not specialized to work with integers), }       what would be the best base to use? Binary?             e } } My paper is due in three hours, but I haven't started doing }       the reading yet.  What are my chances of finishing?     0 } } How many roads must a man walk down?                          2 roads. } } Which irrational number has been the subject of the most }       puns?                                                   pi } } That girl at the next terminal--what does she think of me?    Zero. } } How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop?         33-57, }                                                               usu. 39 } } There's a frog...                                             28 days } } How many licks to get to the center of the Statue of Liberty? Errr... } } How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck...     <ZOT> } } Even from this sample space of just ten questions, I think you'll } realize that while pi and e do show up a fair amount of the time, 0 is } really the most common number of all, and we're able to represent that } quite nicely, thank you. } } You owe the Oracle absolutely nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the tentacles out of the oven and lay them out to cool.  This } should take about ten minutes.  In the meantime, get the eyestalks out } of the fridge.  Slice them into chunks about one inch long.  Beat a } small amount of tabasco sauce in with the leftover ichor and place in a } small bowl. Arrange the eyestalk chunks around the bowl in an } attractive fashion. When the tentacles have cooled, cover them with the } cream of intestine sauce.  Throw around a little parsley, and serve. } You owe the Oracle a doggie bag.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent, wonderful Oracle. May your queue always be the fastest. > May the cat never sit on your washing. Please answer my plea. > > Do you give interviews ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and you just failed. } } But you're in luck.  I've just received a make-up interview that I've } been waiting to try on some sucker^H^H^H^H^H^H prospect.  You're it. } } Instructions:  you have 20 minutes to answer the following questions. } All answers must be complete (no partial credit) and all work must be } shown. This is closed book/notes.  No calculators/computers allowed. } You may use one cat or small rodent on the question of your choice. } } 1. Why Not? } } 2. Just what is 'nerf' (as in Nerf Ball) and where does it come from. } } 3. Was there a God? } } 4. If you could be anything I wanted you to be, what would you be? } } 5. What is the wind-chill at absolute-zero with a 60 mph wind? } } 6. Define yourself and give three examples. } } 7. What would happen if a law was passed that made laws illegal? } } 8. Apply question #7 to the laws of physics. } } 9. What is question #10 (don't forget to answer it)? } } 10. } } Good luck. } } You owe the Oracle an unsolvable paradox with two solutions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would life be like living without computers ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without a bit of fun. } } You owe the Oracle a bad computer-related pun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise and all-knowing Oracle, whose wisdom has enlightened the > USENET supplicants more than the glow from Chernobyl, whose wit is > sharper than the edge of a broken beer bottle, and whose feet smell as > the sweet ambrosia of heaven... > >                                  HELP ME! > > You're a man, right?  (Ok, an all-knowing, most powerful, and > infallible god--but still male--right?)  My wife is driving me insane! > She's pregnant and she's CRYING ALL OF THE TIME.  I ask her "why are > you crying", and she says "I don't know".  "Are you worried about the > baby" "No..." "Are you sick?"  "No...I'm just weepy...*sob*" > > Arrrgh!   Hormonal women drive me crazy.  O great Oracle, whose morning > eye-boogers are more precious than platinum, why are women so strange > when their hormones go ballistic?  And why do pregnant women get weepy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well -- let's be honest.  Men get really strange when their hormones } go ballistic, too.  You should have seen what guys did before I } evented football and hockey.  They were *really* loony. } } So it's not all that much different for women than us guys.  It's just } that it's not socially acceptable for a pregnant woman to pick up } someone else and throw them 15 feet as a release of tension. } } Crying is socially acceptable, though, so that's their release. } And since the hormonal levels tend to be slightly higher for the } average pregnant woman than the average football player, the effect is } usually a lot more profound. } } So, my advice to you: }       1) Cut back on watching football for awhile.  No need to }          give your wife any ideas. }       2) Buy stock in Kleenex. }       3) Stock up on chocolate. } } You owe the Oracle tickets to the first college women's football game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Smoke lazily curled around the languidly wheeling paddles of the > overhead fan, catching the light of the cramped and stifling > room's solitary lamp.  The halon lamp had been tilted to point directly > at a single figure in the windowless chamber, seated upon a chair worn > smooth by countless occupants.  The figure drew a breath from a > Lucky Strike cigarette, silently cursed the black pentacle drawn upon > the floor around him, and tried unsuccessfully to conceal his > nervousness. The four other occupants of the room, two seated and two > standing with arms folded, were all obscured by the effulgent beam of > light.  Apollo stood up, adjusted his tunic, and stretched.  The figure > started to stand up as well, but Apollo waved him to sit back down. > The god stepped into the lamplight and peered down at the prisioner. > Both the god and the suspect might have seemed flawlessly handsome to a > mortal, but they could see in each other's faces the subtle blemishes > and signs of age that even the gods themselves cannot conceal from each > other. > > Said Apollo, "From the top.  Again." > > Replied the figure, "Oh, COME ON!  We've been over this a thousand > times!" > > Unmoved, Apollo withdrew from the light and sat down again.  "Your > story leaves us with too many questions.  So, again, I will ask: > > Oh all-seeing Oracle, whose hair is combed by the passing stars, >                       whose lips utter wisdoms ancient and ulterior, > > Where were you on the night before John F. Kennedy's assassination?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suddenly, the door opened.  Five men dressed in pin-striped suits and } fedoras, and carrying large semi-automatic weapons, burst into the } room. Suspiciously, all of them looked exactly like the single figure } in the pentacle. } } Apollo whirled.  "Oracle!  Oracle!  Oracle!  Oracle!  Oracle!  What? } How?" } } The figure in the pentacle chuckled.  "Don't tell me you're locked in } *that* body all the time.  I am many, not just one."  He gestured to } his fellow Oracles.  "Boys, neutralize these good people." } } One of the other four occupants of the room got up and blocked their } path. "I'm not afraid of no Oracles," he said, ungrammatically.  "I'm, } like, a god, see?  I'm, what you say, undestructibubble." } } Suddenly, the five weapons burst into life. } } <ZOT!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> } } The occupant crumpled into a charred heap. } } "Semi-automatic <ZOTs>!  Impressive!" said Apollo.  "Okay, you win." } } He erased the pentacle.  The captured Oracle rejoined his fellows. } } "Now," said Oracle #1, "what shall we do with you?  What is a fitting } punishment?" } } "Being sent to Earth to mate with large numbers of mortals?" asked } Apollo, hopefully. } } "You should be so lucky.  No, I've got a better idea.  I've got a lot } of woodchuck questions waiting back in my office, and you're just the } god to answer them." } } "Woodchucks!  No!!" shrieked Apollo. } } "Woodchucks!" murmured Apollo's acolytes, who you've probably forgotten } about by now.  "Woodchucks!  Anything but woodchucks!  A woodchuck } killed my partner!" } } "And there's a few 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' questions needing } to be answered as well," continued Oracle #2, remorselessly. } } "I'll take the woodchucks," said Apollo, turning to leave.  He then } paused, and turned back.  "Oh, by the way: what *were* you doing the } night before JFK was murdered?" } } "Watching the 'I Love Lucy' episode in which Lucy is working at the } conveyor belt in the pie factory," said Oracle #3. } } "Oh."  Apollo left, along with his henchmen. } } Oracle #4 turned to the others.  "That was easy.  Now what?" } } Oracle #5 grinned.  "Lisa is waiting." } } Thus began the argument: } } "Hey, wait!" } "Lisa is *my* girlfriend!" } "I was the original Oracle!  You're just a clone!" } "No, you are!" } } It continued well through the night...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-mighty Oracle who is all knowing... > > What is your relationship with the Oracle of Delphi? Are you one > and the same, or did you have to supplant the Delphic Oracle > before becoming the Usenet Oracle? > > It's all Greek (or Geek) to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, old Del?  Nah, I didn't have to supplant anyhow -- he just beat } me to the cushy job, that's all.  Del and I go way back... } } [cue flashback] } } "It must have been ancient Greece... Del and I were still in our third } millenia back then, and were pretty wild.  We'd stopped down on Earth } to check out this great cave he'd found.  Seems there'd been this } earthquake..." } } Usenet Oracle: [inhaling] "...wow... what're these fumes?" } Delphic Oracle: [also inhaling] "...I dunno... some sort of noxious }                 gas, I think..." [inhales again, deeply] } UO: "...mmm...wow...yeah...what?...*sniff*..." } DO: "...what?...mmm...*sniff*..." } UO: "...y'ever...y'ever really *look* at your hand, man?...wow..." } DO: "...wow...mmm..." } } "Just about that time, there was this bleating noise from the mouth of } the cave..." } } Usenet Oracle: "...what'd you say?..." } Delphic Oracle: "...mmm?...what?...did you say somethin'?...wow..." } UO: "...what?...no....wow......" } } "A shepherd named Coretas had set his goats to grazing near the cave, } and had noticed that the goats that breathed the vapours from the } opening were acting pretty strangely, even for goats.  Once we figured } this out, Del decided to have a little fun.  He planned on gliding } over near the entrance and possesing one of the goats -- y'know, the } standard routine: make the goat say a few sentences, fly maybe, stuff } like that.  Problem was, Del was a little looped out by then, so his } aim was off.  Turns out his hit Coretas by mistake, causing him to } start spewing forth all sorts of nonsense.  Well, those Greeks just } ate it up -- they built a shrine and started consulting Del for all } sorts of piddling little mortal problems..." } } [end flashback] } } ...and that's how it happened.  Del got treated like a god in the } "navel of the Earth", he managed to ditch Coretas in favor of some } chick named Pythian, and he got all the giggle gas he could handle.  I } think  he's even retired by now.  Lucky me gets to cope with woodchuck } questions in Indiana.  There's no justice in the skies, let me tell } you. } } *sigh* } } It's not easy being me. } -- } } You owe the Oracle a "Willie and Del in '96: Inhaling Together" button } and a comforting pat on the back.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracular Wordsmith Extraordinaire!  Splendiferous Multisyllabic > Tome-meister without peer in the spinning, hurtling Cosmos!  I'm an > unemployed English Major skilled at deciphering the meanings of > opium-induced works of literature produced by tubercular nancy-boys > and macho men who like to shoot elephants because their mothers > dressed them in girly clothes when they were babies.  Is there a > place on the Olympian payroll for someone with my talents.  I've > checked out the opportunities here on earth pretty thoroughly and > I'm all played out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! Young poet and artist, your only problem is that you are mis- } placed in Time.  (Wonderful grovel, by the way.)  Alas, in this } epitome of fast-food society, there is no place for your talents } unless you wish to change your specialty to the deciphering of } the meanings of Meisterbrau-induced works of rhythmic rhymes } produced by the downtrodden of their fellow man (or so they claim } even when they are making millions of dollars from the proceeds } of their works). } } We would welcome you on Olympus, except we have a selection of } competent Muses on staff (tenured), and they are not in need of } assistance (and even if they were, the budget does not allow for } the creation of a position until the beginning of next fiscal } year. } } However, I might have just the thing:  I will send you back in } Time to be incarnated as a poet of the period you most admire. } There the stress of going through childhood with the name "Percy } Bysse Shelley" will provoke in you the rich, poetic response you } will need to produce great works of art, rather than just study } them as you do now. } } Ready?   <BZAAAAAK!> } } Say hello to Mary for me!  And remember to give her that trip to } Austria, or she'll never forgive you. } } You owe the Oracle a portrait of the artist as a young man.