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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           WOODCHUCK MAN >                             a song by >                     They Might Be Supplicants >                     ---- ----- -- ----------- > >       Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man >       Doing the things a Woodchuck can >       What's he like?  It's not important >       Woodchuck Man > >                               Is he calm?  Or running amuck? >                               When he's in wood, does he chuck? >                               Or does the wood get him instead? >                               Nobody knows. >                               Woodchuck Man > >       Oracle Man, Oracle Man >       Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man >       They have a fight, Oracle wins. >       Oracle Man > >                               Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man >                               Really Annoying Supplicant Man >                               Usually asks about Woodchuck Man >                               Supplicant Man > >       He's got a watch with a minute hand, >       Millenium hand and an eon hand >       When they meet it's a happy land >       Powerful man, Supplicant Man > >                               Oracle Man, Oracle Man >                               Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man >                               They have a fight >                               Oracle wins >                               Oracle Man

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute, Supplicant.  Very cute indeed.  Unfortunately, I am compelled to } inform you that any attempt to publish or record these lyrics will } result in criminal prosecution.  You see, it bears a remarkable } similarity to one of my own compositions:  Secret Woodchuck Man, which } you may have heard running over the credits of the TV series of the } same name.  The show was an ill-fated attempt to mix nature and } spy-action programming, but the song hit #12 on the charts back in } 1965: } } SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN } } Words and music by U. T. Oracle } Performed by Johnny Slivers } from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot } ______________________________ } There's a chuck who lives a life of danger } The nightmare of every forest ranger } Don't tell him that he's cute } If you do your life is moot } Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } Alone he waddles through the forest silence } Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence } With cheek pouches made of steel } He's makin' you his next meal } And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin' } Or how long will the winter winds be blowin' } Or the chuckin' that he could } Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood } 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } You owe the Oracle a cord of wood and a martini (shaken, not stirred).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I have tried all the dishes of the great chef boy-ar-dee and yet > they all taste similar somehow.  His spaghetti-o's taste not unlike his > beef ravioli, and so to his beefaroni resembles his spaghetti and > meatballs. Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Boy R. Dee is actually a Chemical Engineer with a M.S. from the } University of Wisconsin, Madison.  He stumbled upon his secret formula } by accident -- he was originally attempting to synthesize a more } cost-efficient, elastic, and lighter brassiere elastic when he } accidentally added tomato paste instead of toluene.  The resultant mess } that exploded all over the room suddenly got Mr. Dee's brain moving } when he realized that }       a) it sorta smelled and tasted like lousy spaghetti, and }       b) it cost about $0.013/pound to make. } } All he needed to do was add a tiny amount of some ridiculously } addictive substance to it (he had a hard time trying to find the } extracts of power and sex, so he switched to cocaine instead), and it } could pass off as some quasi-food product which people kept eating for } no apprent reason, not knowing that they were addicted. } } And that is why people like you still buy one different product of Mr. } Dee's after another -- for that lift -- not realizing that it's all the } same, noxious substance in different forms. } } You owe the Oracle a 7-11 cheese burrito, NOW!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Usenet Oracle, whose magnificient brain contains more knowledge > than a computer the size of the Earth could ever hope to hold, and > whose magnimosity with supplicants who run out of imagination halfway > through a grovel is the greatest in the Universe, please help this > lowly supplicant. > > Yesterday, I bought a *ZOT*-proof vest from a guy who said he had > permission to sell Officially Licensed UseNet Oracle (tm) merchandise. > (I also bought a 24 month Lisa calendar, and have a question about > the watermelons on July/93, but I'll ask that later.)  Anyhow, after > the guy left, I realized there was only one way to test the vest, > which is to wear it and send off the WQ.  Unfortunately, if this > vest is a fake, I'll be dead (and also out $250).  And that would > mean I'd never get to spend May '94 staring at all those feather > dusters, and I really don't want it to happen.  So I'll just quietly > logoff now... > > No, I've got to know, so with one last look at December 1994, please > tell me this.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you, kid, you've just had one heck of a close call. That } vest happens to be a fake. The calendar is a fake. The WQ is a FAQ. } Lucky for you, though, that I just bought me a WQ-proof vest. Let's } watch it in action: } } SUPPLICANT: Oh, mighty Oracle, whose thumb I am not worthy to tack, } whose smoke I am not worthy to stack, whose king I am not worthy to } pin, tell me: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood? } ORACLE: La dee da da... Da dee, da da. Say, Lisa, did you hear } something? } } Pretty impressive, eh? I'll never again have to deal with the WQ. It } just rolls right off, like water off a melon. I'm so pleased that } not only will I not *ZOT* you, I'll even give you the phone number of } the woman who posed for that pseudo-Lisa calendar. } } You owe the Oracle a poster-sized copy of January 94.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A size 6 green hat was found in room 243.  Please come claim it at the > front office if it is yours.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Ding] } ................. } hmmmm, hm hm hm, ........<figit> } [ding,ding,ding,ding,ding] } Clerk: <from room at back> Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, just hold your frickin }        horses. } Clerk: <appearing behind the counter> We're full. } Oracle: My hat, please. } C: I ain't da frickin hat check girl, buddy, beat it. } O: My hat that was found in room 243. The green size 6. Right back }    there on the shelf. } C: Your gonna havta talk to da manager, buddy. } O: Just give me my hat. } C: HEY JOEY, COME ON OUT HERE. I GOT THE GUY FROM 243 HERE. SAYS HE }    WANTS HIS HAT. } Joey the Manager: Mr. Oracle, we got a little problem here. } O: Just give me the hat. } J: Well, first I want to clear up a matter with some damages and your }    room service bill.  First of all we lost our best maid.  She quit. }    Said no way was she gonna clean up the dead woodchucks and bird }    entrails. The carpet is ruined. The TV doesn't work right anymore. }    Only gets one channel. Some kind of Use it news or some crap like }    that.  And nobody paid for the six cans of Crisco(tm) and the two }    dozen polish sausages you ordered. } O: So what's your question? } J: WHAT'S MY QUESTION? } O: That'll do. Forgot to grovel, did you? I knew you would. } J: What the hey? } O: That's two. } Clerk: Hey what do you think your doing? } O: Good joining your boss. Plenty of questions. No grovel. I think the }    solution is clear. } <ZOT> <ZOT> } [The Oracle somehow manages to put the size 6 hat on his size 14 head] } } Thank you suplicant for assisting the Oracle.  Your reward for } finding the hat is some of this leftover Polish Woodchuck Stew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When Jesus rose from the dead, he didn't do a huge amount. According to > the Bible he had a quick conversation and disappeared to heaven or > something. So why did he bother rising from the dead? Was it just > sensationalism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The answer to your question is like this: A man had three } servants. The first servant came unto the man, and said, "The kingdom } of heaven is like a mustard seed." Unto him, the master said, "You have } spoken the truth, but you neglected to grovel." Thus it } came to pass that the master <ZOT>ed the first servant. }         Then came unto the man the second servant, who said, "Render } unto ceasar that which is ceasar's, oh great and powerful master." } Unto him, the master said, "You, too, have spoken the truth, and your } grovel you have not forsaken. Yet I beheld your grovel, and it was not } clever, and therefore will I not answer unto you." And the servant } went in peace. }         Then came unto the man the third servant, who said, "Oh, } great and powerful master, whose servant's servant's servant's } servant's servant's second cousin's servant I am not worthy to be, who } speaks in parables so obtuse that _Finnegan's Wake_ is as an Aesop's } fable, who can feed the whole world with a single loaf of bread and a } sixpack of Jolt, tell me please: was Jesus's resurrection just a bit of } sensationalism?" }       And, verily, the master was pleased, and he said unto his } servant, "You have spoken the truth, and your grovel have you not } forsaken. I have beheld your grovel, and, behold, it was clever. } Therefore will I answer unto you with a parable. The answer to your } question is like this: A man had three servants. The first servant--" }       Alas, at that moment, the master was struck down with plague. } And there was much wailing, and gnashing of teeth, but it availed not, } and the servant never got a decent answer. C'est la vie. } } You owe the Oracle the Shroud of Turin, or a really warm scarf.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most glorious Oracle, whose thermos doth keep hot things hot and cold > things cold, yea for all eternity: > > The answer is:  37 greyhound puppies and a blender. > > What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is: } } How do you make a dog team mush?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose shoes are pumped with uranium hexafluoride > gas, and whose carpet I am unfit to ensconce, > > How many men must walk upon a road, before it is considered a road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is three men.  If one man walks it, it is not yet anything } but the place where one man has walked.  If two men walk it, they will } not let anyone else know about it for fear that they will be branded } gay by the conservative elite and hence be unfit for military service. } } But if three men walk it, it's a road.  Expect the Burma Shave signs } and nasty diesel-spewing Volvos any day now. } } If, however, a cat walks it, all bets are off and the road is a } catwalk. } } You owe the Oracle a cat who won't ensconce his rugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Reader > This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary in > Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into a > stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to the > Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes.  Senor Cabeza > wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the world > through this letter. > > How can you share in Estupido's luck?  Simply add your name to the > bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans > to the person at the top of the list.  Then cross the top name off, > make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family > members.  Then wait.  Something good will happen to you within a > week.  A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair!  A man in Athens > was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses!  A troubled plumbing > executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him > dropped!  These wonderful things can happen to you! > > Do not break this chain.  I am not responsible for what happens to you > if you do!  One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a Cuisinart > accident only three days after throwing the letter away.  The curse > struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by the time > the letter arrived!  Please, do not let this happen to you! > > Add your name to this list, and good luck! > > > >  Ed McMahon > > >  Ross Perot > > >  Homer Simpson > > >  Tommy Lasorda > > >  Jeffrey Dahmer > > >  Saddam Hussein > > >  Darkwing Duck > > >  Laura Palmer > > >  Madonna

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Dear Reader } > This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary } > in Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into } > a stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to } > the Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes.  Senor } > Cabeza wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the } > world through this letter. } > } > How can you share in Estupido's luck?  Simply add your name to the } > bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans } > to the person at the top of the list.  Then cross the top name off, } > make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family } > members.  Then wait.  Something good will happen to you within a } > week.  A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair!  A man in Athens } > was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses!  A troubled plumbing } > executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him } > dropped!  These wonderful things can happen to you! } > } > Do not break this chain.  I am not responsible for what happens to } > you if you do!  One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a } > Cuisinart accident only three days after throwing the letter away. } > The curse struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by } > the time the letter arrived!  Please, do not let this happen to you! } > } > Add your name to this list, and good luck! } > } > > >  Ed McMahon } > > >  Ross Perot } > > >  Homer Simpson } > > >  Tommy Lasorda } > > >  Jeffrey Dahmer } > > >  Saddam Hussein } > > >  Darkwing Duck } > > >  Laura Palmer } > > >  Madonna } > > >  *Usenet Oracle*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great oracle, who's very feet I am not worth to sniff in the dark > of midnight... > > There are so many beautiful girls here at college -- I just can't seem > to find one that will like me or even go out with me! Do I have any > hope at all? What should I do or say to get their attention?! (In a > good way, that is...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha, foolish mortal. Watch the oracle in action, and learn. } } SCENE: A bar in a college town. A babe sits at a bar. Enter Oracle. } } ORACLE: Greetings, mortal. May I buy you a drink? } BABE: Get lost. } ORACLE: So, what's your sign? } BABE: Buzz off. } ORACLE: Would you like to see my etchings? } BABE: Amscray. } ORACLE: Have you got any ancient Greek in you? Would you like some? } BABE: Vamoose. } ORACLE: If you don't go out with me, I'll vaporize you into your } component atoms. } BABE: Make like an exorcist and get the hell out of here. } [Suddenly, a thick bolt of lightening strikes, vaporizing the entire } bar and leaving only the babe, the Oracle, and their bar stools.] } BABE: Your place or mine? } } Hmmm... As you can see, even I have trouble finding romance. The best } advice I can give you is: be patient. The right person will come } along someday, and, when she does, things will work out, provided you } don't accidently atomize her first. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't mention this little bar } escapade to Lisa. She thinks I'm at an aluminum-siding convention

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of > men, tell me: > > I recently got done running lights for a production of "The > Fantasticks" which is a musical drama.  At one point there's a somewhat > silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to the place > "where woodchucks woo".  Do woodchucks really woo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:  An underground headquarters miles below a serene woods. } In front of a giant computer screen sits the Oracle's arch enemy, } the Wood Chuck.  He sits before his EviL Villian Information System, } which is really an overpriced and obselete computer terminal of } megalithic proportions. } } Wood Chuck: Bwahahahahahaha!  Now my plan is near completion.  With }             the help of ELVIS here, I have been able to infiltrate }             the Oracle's inquiry acceptance system and flood the }             place with woodchuck queries.  Not only has this reduced }             the Oracle's efficiency, but other supplicants have now }             started doing the same thing.  Hahahahaha.  And since }             the Oracle will get bogged down in his question queue, }             I will then present myself as omniscient, and with my }             vast knowledge on the subject of woodchucks, I shall }             dismiss those questions and take over the Oracle's }             position.  Then he will be disgraced, and his life of }             luxury (and Lisa) will be mine.  Nyahahahahahah!!! }             As a matter of fact, I'll start leeching off the }             Oracle's queue, answer a few easy woodchuck questions, }             and the Oracle's doom will be sealed.  Let's see, what }             is this question... } } > O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of } > men, tell me: } > } > I recently got done running lights for a production of "The } > Fantasticks" which is a musical drama.  At one point there's a } > somewhat silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to } > the place "where woodchucks woo".  Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: WHAT?!?!?  What kind of idiotic question is this? }             Woodchucks don't woo.  It's all instinctual.  What is }             this cr... } } Wall: *CRASH* } } Oracle: HA!  At last I've found you, and am here to stop you evil }         plans. } } Wood Chuck: Wait!  How'd you find my secret hideout? } } Oracle: The same way I discovered your insidious plan.  I noted that }         there were way too many woodchuck questions, and so sent myself }         the query "Why are there so many woodchuck questions?"  As soon }         as I replied, I knew the answer, and all that remained was to }         ask myself where you were and how to defeat you. } } Wood Chuck: And how is that? } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: No!  Stop!  Don't ask me that!!! } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: Okay, okay, you've won today.  But I warn you, I'll find }             some way to destroy you. } } Oracle: Yes, but until them, I've decided how to punish you. [whistles] } } A huge crowd enters the room. } } Wood Chuck: Who are they? } } Oracle: The International Society of Woodchuck Theorists.  They have }         a few questions for you. } } Society Member #1:  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a }                     woodchuck could chuck wood? } } Society Member #2:  How much wood could a male woodchuck get up in }                     the presense of an attractive female woodchuck? } } Society Member #3:  If a woodchuck chucks wood in the forest and nobody }                     is around, does it make any noise? } } Wood Chuck: No, you can't leave me here. } } Oracle: On the contrary, from now on I'll let you handle all my }         inquiries of this nature.  And remember, kids, only you }         can prevent woodchuck questions.