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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise, all-seeing, aesthetically-savvy Oracle, >       So how do you like the new me?  Do you think the plastic surgeons > went too far, or do you think I'm sexy now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see: } } You've now got wonderful, long, blonde hair.  And I see shimmering } blue eyes surrounded by radiant fair, blemishless skin, with just } the right cheekbones. } } There's a perfectly aligned, white smile. } } <zip, zip, snap> } } My! Those are impressive breasts.  Large and round but with no snag } and just the right amount of jiggle. } } Gee, cellulite-free thighs and legs that are perfectly toned, and } just a little too long to be real. } } Why, Mr. Jackson, I think you look beautiful. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Weird Al's "Even Worse" album.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Masterful Oracle, please answer your humble suppliant this question: > > How does one create the world's greatest data compression algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the wedding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OPRAH: Hello. I'm Oprah Winfrey.  Welcome to the Usenet Oprah, a } wholly-owned subsidiary of the Usenet Oracle, Inc. Today's guests are } Biff Cheesteak, noted dietician; T. Uchuslekker, noted groveler; and } Susan Jane McFeely, author of "I'm OK, You're NJ." Let's start right } off with a question from the audience. Yes, you there? } AUDIENCE MEMBER:: Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the } wedding? } OPRAH: I'm sorry, ma'am, you forgot to grovel. Don't worry, } though, that's just what Dr. Uchuslekker is here for. Dr, would you } like to take this question? } DR. T: Why, certainly, oh most rotund Oprah, who is hipper than } Arsenio, and whose face is even more strangely shaped than Jay Leno's. } Ma'am, your question was wonderful-- so wonderful that, if ten billion } monkeys at typewriters typed for all eternities, they'd never come up } with a question half as good. But, if such an unworthy type as myself } might be so bold as to criticize you, you seem to be suffering from } "asycophantia"-- the inability to grovel. Let me help your most } honorable self (who is such a great audience that you would even } applaud if Menudo performed a duet with the New Kids On The Block.) OK? } Let's start off with a simple grovel, for now, and work our way up. } Repeat after me: "Oh, Oprah, who is OK, all things considered." } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who... who... Doc, I just can't say it. } MCFEELY: Dr. Uchuslekker, if you don't mind my intruding, I'd like to } say that you're just trying to treat the symptoms of asycophantia, } without dealing with the underlying cause. You can't grovel unless you } feel good about _yourself_. Now, ma'am, I think you ought to start off } with some autosycophantia. Try repeating after me: "Oh, me, who is good } enough and smart enough-- gosh darn it, people like me." } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, me, who is good enough and smart enough-- } [AUDIENCE MEMBER STANDS UP AND SHOUTS, WITH TEARS IN HER EYES] } AUDIENCE MEMBER: _PEOPLE LIKE ME!_ } MCFEELY: Good! Excellant! Now, try asking your question again. And } remember, you just have to be the best audience member you can be. } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who waxes and wanes like the great silvery } moon, who is sensitive enough to wince in pain whena harsh voice is } raised in Istanbul, who has more guests than Lumiere (the charming } candle in _Beauty and the Beast_), I pray you, answer me: are you } on a diet in preparation for the wedding? } OPRAH: Oh, sorry, we're out of time. Tune in next week when our topic } "Women who use vi, and the men who love them." Bye!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most swell, yadda yadda yadda... > I have this recurring dream where I'm standing in the forest, with > summer breezes gently soothing me, when suddenly this squirrel near me > explodes violently, sending clumps of burning fur and internal organs > flying everywhere.  Then I wake up. > I have two questions, then: 1) Is this dream trying to tell me > something important about my life, and 2) What if it were a WOODCHUCK > instead of a squirrel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now is my chance.  I'm going to run your question through my new } DreamAnalyzer software of which I have a free complimentary evaluation } copy. } } oracle 29 % DreamAnalyzer < supplicant_question } } analyzing... } "I have this recurring dream where" ---> you enjoy eating apples } } "I'm standing in the forest"  ---> you eat too much cold cereal in }                                    the morning. } } "with summer breezes"  ---> your computer account is about to expire. } } "gently soothing me" ---> your underwear *really* wants to be washed. } } "when suddenly this squirrel" ---> representing the election returns }                                    from Rio Arriba county, New Mexico. } } "explodes violently" ---> represents your dissatisfaction with the }                           color scheme in your kitchen. } } "sending clumps of burning fur" ---> you still believe in Santa Claus, }                                      the Great Pumpkin, and Unlimited }                                      Disk Space } } "and internal organs flying everywhere" ---> you need to mow your lawn } } "Then I wake up." ---> your headwill explode during your next final }                        exam. } } "What if it were a WOODCHUCK" ---> the election returns from Kittitas }                                    county, Washington. } } analyzing done. } } oracle 30 % lo } } hmm.  most interesting.  I think it is quite obvious whether or not } this dream is trying to tell you something.  As to the importance of } that woodchuck, for reasons of national security I feel that I'd better } not tell you. } } You owe the oracle the head of the programmer who wrote this software. } On a platter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most informed, who knoweth where to true vault of Al Capone be > hid, and what lieth inside its maw, inform your miserable supplicant > on a matter of great importance.  There's more talk shows springing up > than mushrooms on a pile of manure.  What gives?  How can I get my own > show?  Do you have any plans for a show of your own?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sure, I can just see it now. } } Oracle: Hi Folks! We've got a great show for you tonight. (throws }         pencil at camera). Tonight, a new twist on stupid pet tricks: }         the owner is his own pet. Hi there, Woody. } } W. Woodchuck: Hi Oracle! It's great to be here tonight. } } Oracle: Now, they tell me that you've come on my talk show just to }         plug your new movie. Is that true? } } W. Woodchuck: Well, yes, it is, Oracle. } } Oracle: Want to elaborate? Tell us something about yourself for the }         audience. } } W. Woodchuck: Well, as I said, it's great to be here tonight. And I've }               got a new movie coming out that I want to plug. } } Oracle: Hmm. Well, instead of reminiscing about how many times you've }         been on my talk show in the past, or talking to the band }         leader to stall while desperately trying to come up with }         on-the-fly joke ideas, lets go to the pet tricks. } } (W. Woodchuck starts chucking wood) } } Oracle: And now, we'll take a couple of phone calls from supplicants }         at home. } } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Men follow me. Everyone is watching me. People are }             constantly plotting against me. Why is everyone out to get }             me?? } } Oracle: Because you are paranoid, and they don't like paranoid people. } Next! } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Are you really Richard Stallman in disguise? } } Oracle: If I am, it's GNUs to me! (drum riff) (bored obligatory } laughter) Next! } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Top Ten List Time! Who are the Top Ten Least Loved } Superheroes? } } Oracle: Top Ten List Time! } }    10. Spiderman. Spidey, would you *please* drop photography and get }        a real job? You're only the world's greatest chemist. And stop }        whining! } }     9. The Flaming Carrot. But then, you're supposed to hate him. } }     8. Kitty Pryde, who must be about 35 in physical years, maybe 800 }        in terms of emotional scarring. (No, really, she's still only }        13, honest! Teenagers, look! Someone to identify with!) } }     7. Wonder Woman. Love the invisible plane. Very 90's. } }     6. Jason, the new Robin. Thanks for giving Batman so much emotional }        stability. } }     5. Wesley Crusher. Didn't you know he was a superhero? }        "Sorry Captain! My science project seems to have turned the sun }        NOVA!" } }     4. Any of the X-Men who says something like "We've captured the bad }        guys! Should we destroy them now? No, let's put them in a paper }        mache jail somewhere so they can break out and reappear over and }        over again!" } }     3. Matter-eater lad. He died from indigestion. <burp!> } }     2. Zan and Jana, the "Wondertwins" from the Superfriends. }        "Form of... an ice jet with a spare bedroom, hot tub, and open }        bar!" } }     AND, THE NUMBER ONE LEAST LOVED SUPERHERO: } }     1. Scrappy Doo. } }        Wait a second, supplicant -- there was no grovel in your }        question! I'll <ZOT> you for that!!! } }        Hey, what are you doing?? } } (woodchuck pulls mask off the Oracle) } }    Supplicant: Look! It's old man Withers! He's been pretending to be }       the Oracle just to scare people away from Usenet while he }       smuggles illegal copies of rec.humor.funny not officially }       controll^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Happroved by Brad Templeton! } }    Oracle: Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn't }       been for you meddling kids! And your pesky dog, too! } } You owe the Oracle a Scooby snack and a Mystery Machine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Wise oracle (we think..)  (possible meglomanic). > >       Which is heavier- a pound of feathers, or a pound of lead? > >             -Your undecidedly Respectful Supplicant-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A pound of lead.  This can be proven by a simple experiment, for which } you will need the following materials: } }   *  a one-pound lead weight }   *  a very large bird }   *  a first-aid kit }   *  an old-fashioned balance scale }   *  rope or heavy twine } } Step 1:  Using the tweezers from the first-aid kit, remove one pound of } feathers from the bird.  Use the balance scale and the lead weight to } accurately measure the weight of the feathers.  Use the rest of the } first-aid kit to treat your injuries.  If the bird does not have enough } feathers to remove one full pound, repeat this step with a larger bird } or find half-pound weights and continue the experiment with two birds. } } Step 2:  Tie the lead weight to the bird's leg using the rope or twine. } Be certain the weight is securely attached to the bird.  Again, use the } first-aid kit to treat your injuries.  For best results use a massless, } frictionless rope (found in college Physics textbooks) or weigh the } rope and remove additional feathers. } } Step 3:  Release the bird and observe that it can no longer fly. } } Conclusion:  The bird cannot fly because it is now too heavy, after the } replacement of a pound of feathers with a pound of lead.  Thus, we } conclude that a pound of feathers is heavier than a pound of lead, QED. } } You owe the Oracle an ostrich.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Majestic Oracle, O being with the toe nail clippings more precious than > the pearls of the Ocean, I do not understand that untrustworthy infidel > called Bush, dictator of the Great Satan called America.  Why is he > selling the Arab Nation all of those tools of destruction one day and > then bashing the living daylights out of us the next ? > > May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. > > Saddam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Announcer: Heya kids!  Welcome to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!  It's the }            live show, straight from the oval office where President }            Bush gives soft answers to hard questions. } } [Applause] } } Announcer: Mr. Bush's neighborhood is brought to you by ... The }            Companies ... reminding you that a good war now and then is }            good for business! } } [Applause] } } Announcer: The secret word today is "economy".  Kiddies, do you know }            what this means? } } ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"] } } Announcer: You know what to do? } } ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"] } } Announcer: Economy! } } [Screams!] } } Announcer: You know what to do.  And now here's our host, George Bush! } } [Applause!] } } Bush: Thanks, thanks. } } [Applause!] } } Bush: I'm flattered.  Really. } } [Applause ... continues ...] } } Bush: Would you SIT DOWN and SHUT UP?  There, that's much better. }       Today we're going to talk about the Persian Gulf War.  Kinda }       desert theme.  Good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: This reminds me.  Heh heh.  This reminds me of a really ... far }       out ... joke.  Listen to this.  This dates back to my Skull and }       Bones days.  Funny, really. } } [Chanting ... "Tell us the fucking joke, please!"] } } Bush: Alright, alright.  You twisted my arm!  See?  Twist twist. } } [Laughter] } } Bush: How many A-Rabs would you kill to save our economy? } } [Screams!] } } ["How many, George?  How many?"] } } Bush: All of them! } } [Laughter] } } Bush: Ha ha.  I liked it too.  Funny.  Sorta a racial joke.  Pisses }       off those God Damn PC'ers. } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: You know them?  Those politically correct ... } } ["Booo!"] } } Bush: Not prudent!  Can't say those racial jokes.  Offends the }       minorities.  Bad for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: But seriously now.  Seriously.  Serious.  Many concerned voters }       have been callin' the white house.  Yeah.  And you know what }       they've been saying? } } ["Tell us, George!"] } } Bush: Well I'll tell you.  Some of them pinko commie liberal democrat }       atheist trash yellow press have been talkin'! } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: And you know it.  You know what they've been saying.  They say I }       sold arms to Iraq! } } ["Boo!!!"] } } Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that. } } [The booing instantly and mysteriously stops.] } } Bush: And these same commie atheists say I helped Saddam build his }       nuclear arsenal. } } ["Liars! Liars!!!"] } } Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that. } } [The screams of 'liars' instantly and mysteriously stops.] } } Bush: But I wasn't "coddling" him! } } ["No! Yes!"] } } Bush: That would be bad for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: And arms sales are good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Good for the economy! } } [Screams!] } } Bush: But Saddam pulled a dirty trick.  Yes he did. } } ["Boo! Hiss!"] } } Bush: Had to invade Kuwait.  He was a bad boy. } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: Price of oil went up! } } ["Bad! Bad!"] } } Bush: That's right.  Not prudent.  Not good for democracy.  Baaaad for }       the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Had to do the war thing. } } [Cheers!] } } Bush: So tonight kiddies, I'm going to teach you a new word!  Are you }       ready, kids? } } ["Yes! Yes!"] } } Bush: Alright.  It's "Expediency"! } } ["Expediency!"] } } Bush: That's right.  It's Expedient to kill A-Rabs! } } [Cheers] } } Bush: Good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Economy, economy, economy! } } [Screams! Screams! Screams!] } } Announcer: And that's it for this week's installment of Mr. Bush's }            Neighborhood!  We hope to see you again after the voting }            Tuesday ...  but don't count on it.  Bye!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, to whom the mysteries of life, love, the > Universe and everything are mere child's play, tell me why my > husband so easily forgets little things that mean a lot (Valentine's, > anniversaries, birthdays).  Please?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, I do not think that Valentine's day is so important. A little } attention outside the usual bank holidays is often much more } appreciated. It doesn't mean that he loves you less - he's just too } occupied with more important things... Like corresponding to the } Oracle, for example. (Rustle, rustle) - lemme see... here I have his } last question: "Oh most wonderful and erotic Oracle"... Er, I think we } can skip that... "Why does my wife always insist on silly gifts like } flowers for unimportant opportunities like our 10th wedding anniversary } etc." - } See? Well, if you really think that he doesn't care enough for you, we } should discuss this matter personally, just come over and... } } Lisa: Orrie, what are you typing there again? } } Er, well, it's about human relationships and all that... Nothing } important, reaally! } } Lisa: And I haven't seen a present from you for my last birthday, } either! } } Well, Lisa, you know I tend to forget your birthdays, because you're } never getting older, really! And besides, I have this here for you... } } Lisa: Oh, what a wonderful bunch of roses! Where do you get them from? } } Well, an admirer... er, no, wait - I bought them especially for you, } you know, and... } } Lisa: Oh, Orrie! } } Pheew, that was close. You owe the Oracle some flowers for Oracle Day. } Heck, *every* day is Oracle Day!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose mental processes are the very embodyment of perfect > logic and rationality, please answer my humble question:  am I insane?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my dear supplicant, surely you are familiar with the ancient } Tibetian saying "Any man who can honestly question his own sanity must } surely know that he is still sane."  Of course the monk who first } uttered this phrase was stark raving bonkers, so it must be taken with } a grain of salt. } } The truth of the matter is that no person is capable of independantly } judging their own sanity, so I am sending you the Oracle's At Home Am I } A Loonie Test. } }                The Oracle's At Home Am I A Loonie Test } } 1.  You are at a party.  The host spills a plate of cold cuts into the } fruit punch.  Do you }    a)  Pretend like you didn't notice, and avoid eating any sandwiches. }    b)  Grab a hunk of moist bologna and wear it like a pin. }    c)  Cut off their head with a kitchen knife. } } 2.  You are at home, and a door to door salesman tries to sell you a } magazine subscription.  Do you }    a)  Buy one. }    b)  Slam the door in their face while singing the German National }          Anthem. }    c)  Cut off their head with a kitchen knife. } } 3.  Your favorite stock is: }    a)  AT&T. }    b)  Amalgamated Valium Manufacturers. }    c)  Cutco. } } 4.  When dining out, you order }    a)  Steak and lobster. }    b)  Nothing, you just snack on the floral arrangement. }    c)  Anything that is still breathing.  And a kitchen knife. } } 5.  Your next door neighbor invites you to go bowling and you accept. } At the bowling alley do you }    a)  Try not to show him up in the hopes that he will buy the beer. }    b)  Try and throw all the balls down the alley at once. }    c)  Cut off his head with a kitchen knife. } } 6.  You prefer: }    a)  Albert Einstein }    b)  Margaret Leakey }    c)  Charles Manson } } Now add up your score } }    1.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000 }    2.  a) 10  b)     0  c) 1000 }    3.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000 }    4.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000 }    5.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000 }    6.  a)  0  b) 11000  c) 1000 } } If you scored: } } 0-20 points:  Congratulations, you are perfectly sane. } 20-100 points:  Check yourself into an institution immediately. } 100-10000 points:  Technically, you aren't insane, you are a homicidal }        maniac. } Greather than 10,000 points:  You are fond of anthropologists.  Really, }        it's not something to be ashamed of. } } You owe it to the oracle to wait around until the gentlemen in the } white suits show up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: The Usenet Oracle > > Dear Sir, > > We have just completed a search through our archives, and discovered > that you have no record of having paid any income taxes during the > years 1987-1992. We have completed an audit of your accounts and have > discovered that you have recieved a substantial income during that > period, based on the value of gifts recieved, estimated to be > $1,234,567,890.98 Under current Federal and Indiana State Law, you have > been in residence long enough to be considered a permanent resident, > and are thus eligible for direct income taxation by the U.S. > government. Counting penalties for back taxes unpaid, you owe the > government $1,234,567,890.97 Make check payable to IRS. > > Note also that there is no record of your birth/creation nor of > immigration. If you do not wish to have your citizenship privileges > revoked, contact the INS immediately. > >             Sincerely Yours, > >               xxxxxxxx >            Internal Revenue Service

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello?  Mr. xxxxxxxx?  It's the Usenet Oracle.  How are you?  Yes, } the woodchucks are fine, thank you.  Just wanted to let you know that } the check you requested is in the mail... } } Say hello to your lovely wife yyyyyyyy, your children zzzzzzzz and } wwwwwwww, and your dog Fang for me. } } Don't hang up!  I love to chat with income tax people.  Tell me more } about Schedule V14.  It must be fascinating. } } (Resolution:  to buy an electric ZOT so that I don't have to stall for } time while I wait for the #$%^$@ batteries to recharge.) } } Yes... how interesting... keep talking...