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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs!  Why is it, that no matter > how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker, you are trying too hard.  You yourself must bend, like a blade } of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip.  You must spend } long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude } of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across } vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to } levitate and fly.  Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip. } } Or you could soak it in water for a day or two. } } -- the zen oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Salutations! > You said earlier that you were not, in fact, Dan Quayle. However, > some more investigations shows that > > 1. You are in Indiana. > 2. Dan Quayle was a senator from Indiana. > 3. Only Dan Quayle could possibly have voted for someone like Dan >    Quayle. > 4. Therefore only Dan Quayle lives in Indiana. > 5. Therefore you must be Dan Quayle. > > Confess!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, I am the spirit of *wisdom*.  Danny Quayle is the spirit of } *stupidity*.  As you might expect, we are both required by the laws of } balance to reside in the same state, for having one of us a resident of } a state without the other is a lot harder than having one magnetic } monopole without the other, and much rarer. } } As for the voting, well, wise people are denied the vote in Indiana. } } You owe the Oracle an absentee ballot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of lif?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe.  Th meanin o lif i lov an } ligh an happines.  Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes.  Th } meanin o lif i lif. } } Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knock, knock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knock.  Click clatter clunk.  Bash bash bong crash! Klunk! } } You owe the oracle a sound-effects tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Wise and Vociferous Oracle, > >     This semester has been a complete and total waste, hasn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOT HARDLY, IT HASN'T.  YOU'VE DONE THE FOLLOWING THINGS: } } 1. MADE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY BELIVED. } } 2. EXPERIENCED SEVERAL QUITE AMAZING ORGIES. } } 3. Shown me how to turn off the shift-lock key on this silly keyboard. } } 4. Learned how to integrate paracontinuous functions on semi-Riemannian }    manifolds. } } 5. Detitrated toluene. } } 6. Forgotten a whole bunch ofthings.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why? > > (do people keep sending you crap Zen questions?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once, a particularly unworthy and slow-witted disciple } approached the Oracle and asked: } } "Why?" } } The Oracled answered: } } "What?" } } and the disciple left on trembling legs } } A week later, the disciple returned, leading a } sacred cow. The discipled once again asked: } } "Why?" } } and the Oracle again answered } } "What?" } } to which the cow answered: } } "Mu" } } The Oracle now took a bamboo cane and beat up the disciple } thoroughly. The disciple was enlightened and left the monastery } to become a successful Lisp hacker. } } } Mumath's commentary: } } (S)he who knows the Way will find Buddha nature in a } self-referential Lisp lambda construct.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to study evolution.  Is Liberty Baptist a good school for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is the Pope a Buddhist? } Obviously you are trying to amuse the Oracle, and the Oracle does } appreciate the effort, however the Oracle is also a busy person and } would prefer not to waste nanoseconds being amused. } } You owe the Oracle two dead television Evangilists.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I   ? Dang, see what I mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, shit, I can't     either.  It just started, too } } you owe it to the oracle, and to society, to be a lot more careful when } you have communicable problems.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very > good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea."  Did he > sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no > taste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time.  A time when men were men and } women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania, } and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically } accurate).  A time when what was important was deeds.  Deeds were } important!  Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title, } but deeds were king.  So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his } editor said to him "Mr.  Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.", } so he wrote about other things instead.  He also threatened to take } several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him } if they wrote bad reviews. } } He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered } the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter. } } You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are text editors made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the editor.  MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts } woven together with absurdities.  Most editors running on IBM PCen under } DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the } smell of rancid butter and marsh gas.  Vi is made of the glint of } moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook. } Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of } distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a } reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne.