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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, to whom the future is as transparent as Richard > Nixon's claims of innocence, please tell me what's in store for me > over the course of my life. Will I be handsome? Will I be rich? I > know that whatever will be, will be, but, since the future is yours > to see, please tell me que sera.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, let me tell you what happened to another supplicant who } wanted to know his personal future. } } I told him, "Important people will come to you with all manner of } questions."  (Something I know a lot about.) } } Well, he figured he was set.  He opened a financial consulting firm and } waited for the questions to pour in.  But time passed, and nobody came, } and he began to need money.  He knew he had an important destiny, so he } figured that placed him above morality.  He fiddled with some numbers } here and there, transfered some funds, did a little insider trading, } etc., etc. } } Next thing he knew he was in front of a Senate investigatory committee. } } So I was right.  Of course. } } The point is, some things it's better you shouldn't know.  But I'll } give you a few hints. } } On February 16, 2004, your office will run out of non-dairy creamer. } Panic will reign.  (Better buy some now;  it'll still be fine by then.) } } By the late 2010's you will succumb to the (then-current) fashion of } extremely long hair for both sexes.  You will consistenly roll your } hair up in your car window. } } On New Years Eve, 2012, you will meet a well-known movie star at a } party and they will nibble your left earlobe. } } And, at some point in the next twenty years, you will seriously } consider having "Kiss Me, I use Fixodent" tattooed on your buttock.  (I } won't say which buttock-  you gotta have some mystery in your life.) } } For this valuable information, the Oracle demands the object you're } going to find buried on the beach during the summer of 1998.  Sure, } it's easy to say yes NOW...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE > > O Oracle, cooler than cool, neater than neato and hunkier tha > hunky-dory, please tell me: > > Why are parents who grew up in the fifties so rigid?  I should think > that living through the sixties would have given a *few* of them a more > open attitude about sex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're rigid because they're dead.  The sixties gave them an open } attitude about more things than sex.  Like snorting battery acid, for } instance. } } You owe the Oracle a moral dilemma.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle who understands all bureaucracies, > Who never has to pay bribes or through the nose, > Who has an infinite supply of red tape, > And yet has sissors that will cut through any red tape, > Please answer my humble question! > > I am BORED with this project!  I want to play games!! >       - Why doesn't my new sys admin allow any games on the system >         other than solitare? >       - Why doesn't SUN have a version of rogue so my old sys admin >         could give me my 'fix'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No fair asking two questions on one grovel!  But since you grovel so } well, I'll answer the question you REALLY intended to ask...  What can } you do to cure boredom at the workstation?  And so, here's... } } THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN USES FOR A SUN WORKSTATION } } 1. Guess how many shot glasses of whiskey you can balance on the }    monitor. After an hour of this, the time will just seem to fly! } } 2. Turn the monitor off, write cryptic messages on the screen with }    liquid paper, and see how long it takes for your administrator to }    figure out what's wrong. } } 3. Replace the internal mechanism with a stereo system -- and watch the }    fun begin! } } 4. Fill the case with bean dip (remember to disconnect the power supply }    first!) } } 5. Note: detached monitor can be used as a volleyball.  Watch out for }    power spikes! } } 6. If you hold your face up to the screen for a few hours, you can get }    a fairly decent tan. } } 7. Can the unit support your body weight?  Find out! } } 8. Individual keys can be made into pendants for necklaces, bracelets, }    etc.  Great for holiday gifts! } } 9. How many disks can YOU cram into the drive?  (Hint: the record is }    SEVEN!) } } 10. Turn the power on and off in a darkened room to create that neat }     "strobe" effect that makes things look like they're happening in }     slow motion! } } You owe the Oracle some different-colored tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Divine, Omnipotent, Realistic, Kindly Oracle, > >   First, thanks for getting me into the White House.  No-one, except > you and I, will know how many bets I won on *that*! >   However, I have a slight problem here.  The Democratic Party told > that as long as I was "their man", everything would work out fine. > They made every appearance of winning the election for me, but now they > have left me cold. I can't even get this piddly Transition Team > together!  Then, I'll have Cabinet appointments to make! And, somewheres > in the smokey, hazy recesses of my memory, I recall something about > presenting legislation to Congress sometime 'real soon'. >   So, *please* tell me, what am I to do? > >           Always yours, (heard *that* before? ;) > >           Bill Clinton >           President-Elect >           The United States of America > > P.S.  Lately I've had this very strong urge to go up to George Bush and > say, "Hey, it was just a joke. Have at it!". Is this some type of hint > from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Mr. Bush, but the Oracle will not be tricked into appearing to } favor one political camp over the other by offering political strategy } tips.  You lost, buddy, get used to it.  I'd suggest you go back to } your home in Houston and take up a hobby but I understand the Democrats } rented out your hotel room while you were President and you don't have } a home in Texas to go to.  Life sucks. } } You owe the Oracle and the American people three trillion dollars.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh USENET oracle, which has all the answers to all the questions, > and more than that even, > > WHY WHY WHY am I such an idiot with women?  I mostly act like I want to > be just friends and then every other YEAR or so I find one I really > like and then I'm too fucking stupid to go get to know her.  I'm > lonely but I haven't met anybody I liked enough to ask out in MORE > THAN A YEAR, dammit.  Jesus (I mean, Oracle) I suck. > > I'd appreciate an answer to my question.  There's no w**dch*cks in > it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh wondrous supplicant, you are wiser than you know.  Women cause } nothing but trouble, and you're better off without them.  I mean, } having them for FRIENDS is just fine, I suppose, if you must, but } don't go any farther with it than that.  I mean it. } } Of course, that's not the answer you want to hear.  You want me to } tell you that if you use "IRON" cologne, work out twice a week, and } just CALM DOWN, you'll be more successful with women.  Well, you could } do those things, and you'd be "more successful" in the usual mundane } sense -- but you'll be ruining the rest of your life, too.  So DON'T } DO IT.  I mean it. } } As for your sexual needs, I have no suggestions you'll pay any } attention to, so I won't bother.  Just make sure you don't fall into } the trap of thinking you need a woman to deal with that; that way lies } domination, humiliation, and financial ruin.  Find another outlet.  I } mean it. } } You owe the Oracle another outlet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sirs: > > I'm writting for two reasons.  The first is about your temporary file > structure. > > I acquired your software for my Ph.D. thesis in applied biocomputing. > I want to implement an expert system as a series of Perl scripts between > the literature, patient, and mass storage using your database and new > file compression algorithms.  It's easiest to explain with a diagram: >                                            --------------- > -----------   -----------   ------------   |             |   ---------- > |         |   |         |   |          |   | "virtual    |   |        | > |  poor   |->-|   my    |->-|  Oracle  |->-| hard disk"  |->-|physical| > |miserable|   |  Perl   |   | database |   | (my file    |   |storage | > | patient |-<-| scripts |-<-| software |-<-| compression |-<-|(yuck!) | > |         |   |         |   |          |   |  software)  |   |        | > -----------   -----------   ------------   |             |   ---------- >     |            |    |                    ---------------       . >     |            v    |                           |   |          . >     v            |    -------------<-----------   |   |          . >     |   --------------------                  |   |   |          . >     |   |                  |                  |   |   |          . >     -->-| full medical lab |---->----         ^   ^   v          . >         |                  |        |         |   |   |          . >         --------------------        v         |   |   |          . >                                     |         |   |   |          . >    -------------------------        |         |   |   |          . >    |                       |   -----------   -----------   ----------- >    | texts and journals on |   |         |   |         |   |         | >    | medicine, veterinary  |   |  full   |   |  more   |   | random  | >    | science, psychology,  |->-|  page   |->-|  Perl   |-<-| number  | >    |   psychiatry, and     |   | scanner |   | scripts |   |generator| >    |  forensic science     |   |         |   |         |   |         | >    |                       |   -----------   -----------   ----------- >    -------------------------                      |             | >               |                  [inner loop]     v             ^ >               |                                   |             | >               ^     ----------------------   -----------    -------- >               |     |                    |   |         |    |      | >               |     |   more worthless   |   |  8 ppm  |    |radio-| >               ---<--| texts and journals |-<-|  laser  |    |active| >                     |  on medicine, etc. |   | printer |    |source| >                     |                    |   |         |    |      | >                     ----------------------   -----------    -------- > The end result will be able to tell what ails what, whether or not it's > too late, and should be very well published. > > The problem I'm having is with your temporary files.  My virtual disk > does not properly handle these.  Do you have any documentation that > defines these files and when they are required.  I require this > information for the successful completion of my thesis. > > The second reason that I'm writting is that I don't appreciate all the > fun that's poked at Oracle database software in this newsgroup.  I bust > my budget on your code and it makes me look like a fool to the > department.  Everyday someone tapes another of these 'oracularities' on > my door.  And please, this e-mail with 'tell me' in the subject line, > what kind of customer support is this! > > Sincerely, > > Sally Wright, Dept. of Biocomputing, West Polytech, Adeline, Australia > swright@asterix.biocomp.wpoly.ac.au

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello.  You have reached sub-lobe number 43257 in the Infinite Oracular } Cerebro-cyber cortex, also known as "The Ombudsman," but often referred } to by its neighbors and co-workers as "That Bitch."  If you consulted } page 254 of your owners' manual, you no doubt know that customer } service comes in four forms: } }     1) Billable telephone time.  Here you pay not only for the cost }        of the call, but also for the privelege of sampling at least four }        cd's worth of the Oracle's tasteful, sanity-inducing music. (At }        least, laboratory tests on higher life forms have demonstrated }        that there IS a clear link between Wayne Newton and Mahatma }        Ghandi's tenets of pacifism.  However, these were strictly }        computer simulations as most non-virtual efforts proved to }        produce entirely too much blood for the Sanitation Department to }        handle efficiently.) } }     2) Personal service.  If you happen to live within easy walking }        distance of Oracle Labs, then you may stroll right into our cosy }        offices, dust off a couch, and make yourself comfortable.  At }        least, the Customer Service Department at Olympus Rent-a-Griffin }        assured us that paying customers will not be devoured...and you }        will be paying, won't you? } }     3) Extra-deluxe pre-purchased failure insurance and coverage. }        Recently implemented to demonstrate our commitment to you, our }        customers. Please refer to the EDPPFIC reference manual, pages }        1-23415 for more details.  And do note the inside back cover, }        which clearly notes that we are not liable for any failure on }        the part of the purchaser in understanding the "helpful new }        features" we have implemented in version 7.1.0.6b. } }     4) Supplication.  This is, evidently, the route which you have }        taken. Cheap, but risky.  If, for instance, you were to try }        using our software to simulate wood chuck behavior... }        And don't forget to grovel. } } You owe the oracle the entire contents of your university's endowment } and a better customer service simulator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i feel utterly worthless.  nobody really likes me; nobody cares whether > I live or die.  i fart too much and have sexual perversions i find > disgusting and i'm lazy and don't earn my keep.  should i kill myself > or is there another way to stop the pain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa there.  The last thing you should do is to take your own life. } Whether you know it or not, you mean a lot to a great many people. } What you ought to do instead is take up bowling. } Yes, bowling is a pleasure for all ages.  Once you try it, you will } learn that there really is nothing that can compare to the joy of } watching your ball shoot cleanly down the lane and demolish the } once-neat setup of unsuspecting pins.  Your sex drive will become a } distant memory compared to the constant joy that is your bowling.  Your } other odious personal habits may turn out to actually be beneficial; } perhaps your farting will give you that little extra burst of power as } you release the ball. So cheer up!  With a little practice, you will } soon be the envy of your neighborhood.  You may eventually get to go on } ABC's Wide World of Sports to display your bowling talents all across } the planet.  Untold riches will be yours. } } You owe the Oracle one Howard Cosell.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and powerful Oracle, I have been unable to solve a deeply > spiritual dilemma which has plagued me for some time now.  Many nights, > I lay awake asking myself this question over and over.  It haunts my > every waking thought and threatens to undermine all that I hold true > in my faith.  O wondrous Oracle, I beg, answer me this... > If you were a saint or angel and had a halo of light around your head, > would it attract bugs at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       From the people that brought you the ORACUCO 5000 CAR ALARM }                              ELIMINATOR... } }   It's the ORACUCO COMBINATION RELIGIOUS FIGURE/MEGAWATT BUG ZAPPER! } } Tired of having those outdoor parties ruined by secular humanists } and/or bloodsucking flying insects?  Well, this product is just for } you! } } ORACUCO has contracted numerous famous religious figures to assist you } in dealing with those annoying pests! } }                               Jesus! }                              Buddha! }                      Various saints & angels! }           Shiva! (Bar-be-ques started at no extra cost!) } } Just sit back and enjoy as those nasty atheists are blinded by the } light!  Relax and watch insects vaporize instantly as they fly into } the fiery aura! } } (ORACUCO regrets to inform you that, due to the contractual nature of } these figures, they are only for rent, and not for sale.) } }                  And remember, its from ORACUCO!! } }                     Operators are standing by. }                   VISA and MasterCard accepted. }                        Sorry, no C.O.D.'s. } } The Oracle has advertised. } (This incarnation has blasphemed.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O greatest & wisest one on Earth, magnificent Oracle, please help! > > I was trying out a magic spell a few minutes ago and there was this > flash of light and an explosion, and when I came to I had become a > giant piece of pizza.  Using pseudopodia of cheese I can type, but > I'm afraid that someone will come along and eat me up!  How can I > change back into human form, any sort of human form?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you have to do - and hurry, they're after you even as we } speak! First, toss off a piece of pepperoni to deter pursuit. } Hopefully they'll run right into it, slip and fall.  Create a lasso } with a string of cheese and toss it up to the light fixture.  Pull } yourself up, swinging erratically to avoid the natives' forks.  Reach } up to the ceiling, and using a bit of mushroom and some grease, pick } the lock to the main computer room overhead. Quickly now - they see } what you're trying and are coming up to get you! You won't need the } string lasso now - stretch it out across the doorway so anyone coming } in will trip.  Now you must pass the Test of the VAX.  Move carefully } to the main console, avoiding loose floor tiles - they may be trapped. } Once there, you must type in the sacred password to give you access to } the Lost Filesystem.  Remember - THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! - use ASCII, } not EBCDIC!  If you choose correctly, the Lost Files will be opened for } you.  Their healing rays will restore you to human form and blast your } followers into little dust mites. } You owe the Oracle a Swiss Army knife, one of those neat hats, and a } major motion picture.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Protective Oracle, Please answer this simple question: > > I will be in New York City over the holidays to attend a play.  Should > I prepare myself by carrying a concealed weapon?  If so, is an > automatic a good choice?  Many thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be ridiculous, the concept that concealed weapons provide any } protection at all is a fallacy.  If some one sees fit to attack you, } the first thing they're going to do is prevent you from rooting around } in your pockets for a concealed weapon. } } The concept I want to promote here is prevention.  You want to avoid } placing yourself in the position of the victim.  To this end, you're } better off carrying a large ugly obvious weapon such as a pole-axe or a } broad sword. This way you deter an attack before it get's started.  It } also helps if you wear a lot of furs and an iron helmet with big spike } horns. } } The concept of an automatic weapon is a good one.  But we're not } talking about a dinky semi-automatic pistol.  The temptation to conceal } it is too great.  You're better of with an M-60 crowd pleaser.  You } don't have to take the extra time to draw it, and if you have the } teflon coated rounds, you can take out your attacker even if he/she } dives for cover behind a parked car or innocent bystanders. } } Remeber to use your weapons frequently.  Attack an occasional telephone } pole or taxi-cab.  As an added bonus, you will find that these } techniques will also get you through the ticket line faster and could } possibly grant you a private showing.