Goto:

514, 514-01, 514-02, 514-03, 514-04, 514-05, 514-06, 514-07, 514-08, 514-09, 514-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle most wise, > whose brain can reach the skies, > whose voice is such sweet sound > that my grovel must abound. > > What is going to happen in 1993?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A timely question indeed! } } The Oracle happens to have just received the scheduled outline of } important events planned for 1993 by They.  (You know, They.  The } all-powerful rulers of mankind.)  Here are some excerpts. } } January:  Bill Clinton and Al Gore sworn in.  George Bush goes } home to Texas only to find that his hotel room/legal residence } has been rented out for years by the Texas Democratic Party. } Bush moves into a refrigerator crate near the docks in Houston. } Mrs. Bush gets paying work as lead role in sitcom based on life } of George Washington.  Dan Quayle becomes resident pro at } Valparaiso, Indiana country club. } } February:  Chaos erupts in Punxawtawney, Pennsylvania as the } Woodchuck Liberation Army storms the annual Groundhog Day ceremo- } nies. } } March:  A talk.bizarre/rec.arts.startrek flamewar breaks out. } The Imminent Death of the Net actually occurs. } } April:  Clinton gets important legislation passed requiring } reinstatement of ancient feudal custom "droit du seigneur," } requiring all newly married brides to spend their wedding night } with him.  Clinton passes on the ugly ones to Gore.  Gore begins } writing book called "A Warm Pitcher of Spit Looks Pretty Good } Right Now." } } May: Domino's Pizza opens first Moscow franchises. } } June: Domino's Pizza closes all Moscow franchises after most } delivery boys are shot and killed by residents more interested in } getting their hands on the nice red, white, and blue delivery } trucks than on eating pizza. } } July:  Serbian militiamen invade Monaco, kill thousands, and set } up concentration camps in casino parking lots. } } August:  "Oracle Day" declared national holiday in 188 countries, } including the newest internationally-recognized nation, Detroit. } } September:  Clinton and Gore embroiled in wife-swapping scandal. } Tipper claims she was brainwashed into sleeping with Bill by } insidious, permissive hard rock lyrics.  Hillary says she prefers } sex with someone who doesn't keep slipping up and calling her } "Bambi" and "Muffy" in bed. } } October:  Chicago Cubs win World Series in stunning come-from- } behind 4-3 victory over the Oakland A's.  Hell freezes over. } } November:  In a politically-motivated move timed to help Demo- } cratic candidates in local and state elections, Bill Clinton } sends U.S. troops into China to find out why they put so much MSG } in take-out orders. } } December:  Elvis Presley found alive and well on small island in } the Bermuda Triangle with Jim Morrison, Amelia Earhart, and Judge } Crater. } } It's going to be an exciting year! } } You owe the Oracle 12 nudie pics of Paulina Porizkova for its } calendar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If God didn' make them little green apples, who did?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Scene: All is dark and void. Nothing can be seen, not even the }            faintest of lights. Then, slowly, a scream can be heard far }            off, getting nearer. It builds in intensity to the point of }            being unbearable, and then a burst of white light fills the }            vision. When the eyes adjust, the Universe is laid out on the }            dark background, and a galaxy seems very close. } } [Enter GOD and archangels] } } God: So, what do you think? } } [There is a general murmur amongst the archangels, and, after about }  fifteen seconds of indecision, the consenses is 'pretty good'] } } God: [Aside] Ahem. Perhaps I'd better ask a more qualified opinion. } } [The Oracle melts into existance before God.] } } God: Well, Oracle, here is the Universe. What do you think? } } Oracle: [briefly examining the galaxies] By jove, I think you've got }         it. } } [God blushes.] } } God: Well, there's one little thing that just won't work out. } } Oracle: What's that? [pause] Don't tell me you forgot to fix it }         _again_?!? } } God: No, no, no, nothing like that. It's just... well, you know those }      little black unripening fruit that we tried to get rid of in the }      last go? } } [Oracle nods.] } } God: Well, they're still here. Kinda. [pause] They're now little green }      unripening fruit. } } Oracle: Well... [mulling it over] I don't see any problems with them. I }         mean, you made most of the other fruit turn green when it was }         unripe, didn't you? } } God: Well, yes, but.. [pause] there's been a little side effect. } } Oracle: Side effect? } } God: Yes. The color change we needed seemed to cause the evolutionary }      pattern of some minor races to change as well. We now have some }      more small, brown, furry animals running around. } } Oracle: More? Big deal. There's already hundreds or thousands. All that }         it needs is a name for its visit to Eden. } } God: Oh. Well, if that's all right then, we'll call it the... umm.. }      err... hrumph. Perhaps you could... err... } } Oracle: Jesus, God. I named over eighty percent of all the other }         animals! } } God: Jesus? Hmm... No, doesn't sound right... } } Oracle: Well, what does the animal _do_? } } God: Technically? I think it chucks wood. } --- } } You owe the Oracle three hours of self-torture for dredging up such a }                  _wonderful_ memory.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I finally finished up with my undergraduate work, and was all > set to enter The Real World. (I paid for five years of college so I > wouldn't HAVE to grovel.) > > I was crossing the stage, and just as I got my diploma, this voice > said, "CUT!  That's a wrap!"  All of a sudden, everyone just faded out, > and now these guys are trying to take the stage away.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's what you get for majoring in Theatre Arts. } } You owe the Oracle the director's cut of your graduation ceremony.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am currently running Kernel Version 6.0.31.2.2 on a OS/2 server with > DOS clients. Tools are: >                                   Forms           3.0.16 >                                   ReportWriter    1.1.12 >                                   Plus            3.0.9 >                                   Menu            5.0.11 >                                   NetSPX          1.1.0.9 > > I'm having problems enforcing constraints. What I'ld like to do is > create table to enforce a Yes or No  ('Y','N') flag. Easy enough to do > through SQL*Forms, but I'ld like to handle with a constraint. > > This is what I tried. >          Create table A (FLAG char(1) primary key); > >          Insert into A values ('Y'); >          Insert into A values ('N'); > >          Create table BB (Test Char(1) NOT NULL, >                References A ( FLAG ) >                Constraint FLAG_CHK); > >          Insert into BB values ('F');  /* Should fail */ >                One row created; > > So, how can I improve my sex life? > > Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're using your kernels the wrong way.  Here's a better idea. Cut a } hole in the bottom of a popcorn container next time you're at the } movies with a date and put it in your lap.  Then try using the } following form: } }             Create table PC (FLAG object(1) primary anatomy); } }             Insert into PC organ('male',bottom); }             Insert into PC hand('female',top);   /*Should succeed*/ } }                 One firm column created; } } You don't owe the Oracle any buttered popcorn.  Please...!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How the foot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Slowly but powerfully, in nice long strokes. mmm...Mmm!..oh oh oh oh Oh } OH!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I become a mail-order bride?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mail-order bride is a thing of the past, let me pass onto you this } commercial announcement from "GUYS R US": } ------------------------------ } } Tired of having that white wedding gown lying around the house? Tired } of thinking you have met Mr. Right and he turns out to be Mr. Wrong? } } THEN WAIT NO MORE! Become an E-mail order Bride! } }  Just send $5 to GUYS R US and a SASE to: }  GUYS R US }  P.O. BOX 121-69 }  7 Adultery Avenue }  Intercourse, Pensylvania }  315007 } }  We'll set you up with a Usenet account to be used in your local area } in which thousands of netters can be a keyclick away. Here are some } happy customers we have serviced in the past: } } aldacox@deathvalley.pms.usa } gbushwacker@orgy.toga.bj } gspot@climax.oh.my.god.fu } bballbreaker@colorado.rockies.pain.scream.bd } }  Here's what you'll get: } } >Thousands of desperate netters who were turned down in }  alt.personals.ads writing to you each and every day! } >E-mail overflow headers making up 50% of your mailbox. } >A visit from the one and only BOB } >A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Usenet wrote by none other then }  BIFF!!!11!!111!! (that k00l dude himself) } >Hours of reading enjoyment } >10 free eye exams (with free pair of glasses) } >And MUCH MUCH MORE! } } You'll never have to wake up to morning breath, never have to make him } breakfast, never have to worry if he's cheating on you if he stays } extra long hours at work. Pick the best guy that suits you for that } long distance relationship - simply let your fingers do the walking. } Heck, pick two! Pick three! There's simply no limit once you become a } E-mail order Bride! } }  We stand by our slogan of "If he doesn't say "I do" we won't say F.U!" } }  Ima Loser }  (I'm not only the President, but I'm also a client) }  ---------------------------- } }  You owe the Oracle a yearly subscription to "Bride's Quarterly" }                        -=*      *=-

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me all the secret steps to > becomming President of the United States.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle herself is wise enough not to become President of the } United States. } } But, since you asked.... } } 1     Have an affair.  This guarantees media coverage and provides }       you with much free publicity.  Make certain your partner is }       of a sexual gender acceptable to most people, though!  And no }       animals!  At least not in public. } } 2     Do something harmlessly illegal.  This will give the American }       public something to think about without having them think }       of all those other things you've done.  Smoking pot or having }       a child in an S&L is good. } } 3     Buy a dark suit.  You can probably get some pretty good ones }       used from former Presidents or IBM employees.  The object here }       is to appear personally less boring than your clothing. } } 4     Don't forget that the essay questions are far more important }       than the swimsuit competition. } } 5     Don't promise to develop world peace by the weekend.  That's }       impossible.  Make promises you can keep, such as eliminating }       the deficit by the weekend. } } These should be enough to get you started.  Remember, the better you } look, the more you'll see. } } You owe the Oracle half your electors.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most neato and spiffy Oracle, who can listen to days of Christmas > carols on end without groaning, who knows why the heck kids stand in > line for hours to talk to Santa, who can eat a whole turkey without > gaining an ounce, and who is just an all-around spectacular guy, please > tell me... > > What am I going to get for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What am I going to get for Christmas?"  "What am I going to get for } Christmas?"  That's all I hear this time of year!  Well, I'm sick of } it! } } ^Z } } % pick -search "What am I going to get for Christmas?" -seq smite } 184285918597138182 hits } } % scan -format '%(friendly {from})' smite | sort | uniq > smite-em } } % ftp -i workshop.north-pole.gov } Connected to workshop.North-Pole.GOV. } 220-workshop.North-Pole.GOV FTP server (Ultrix Version 4.1 Mon Aug 27 } 220 19:11:56 EDT 1990) ready. } Name (workshop.North-Pole.GOV:oracle): santa } 331 Password required for santa. } Password: } 230 User santa logged in. } ftp> ls -F } 200 PORT command successful. } 150 Opening data connection for /bin/ls (127.0.0.1,2416) (0 bytes). } toys-manufacturing/ } toys-distribution/ } labour-relations-elves/ } labour-relations-reindeer/ } labour-relations-other/ } porno-gifs/ } porno-gifs-reindeer/ } blackmail-rudolph } xtrek* } good-boys-n-girls.list } coal-getters.list } ^C } 426 Transfer aborted. Data connection closed. } 226 Abort successful } ftp> put smite-em coal-getters.list } 200 PORT command successful. } 150 Opening data connection for coal-getters.list (127.0.0.1,2425). } 226 Transfer complete. } local: smite-em remote: coal-getters.list } 4257004772689 bytes sent in 58 seconds (68 Gbytes/s) } ftp> bye } } % fg } There!  That's done.  Now if I see another }  7:58:   505 jsmith@ibm.com    Question #Qa27567<<What am I going to }  get f } que   ARRRRRGH! } } You owe the Oracle a chill pill and some Holiday cheer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that around christmas everybody has so much to do > and so little time when in the new year nobody has much to > do anymore until a few weeks before the next computer fair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, you have stumbled on one of the basic principles of } human existence, namely, that all human life centers around two } events--Christmas and Comdex. } } You may ask (and I'm sure you did) "why Christmas and Comdex?"  The } answer to this is very simple indeed.  You see, Comdex is simply a } reincarnation of Christmas for the techno-junkies.  A few years ago, as } the IBM PC began to take a foothold on the world, many people began to } lose control of their lives.  Now, I'm not saying that the IBM PC } caused people to lose control of their lives, but the two events did } happen at the same time.  Nay, but I digress... } } As the techno-junkies spent their lives working on inadequate solutions } to inadequate problems, they would spend many days on end hiding in } their offices writing 8088 assembly code with the hope of saving 1ns of } computing time (no one actually considered that plugging the machine in } would make it run *considerably* faster).  Things got so bad that they } neglected their families and lost sight of the Christmas spirit } entirely. } } That was why I have given mankind Comdex.  It represents a second } Christmas for all the techno-junkies.  They all gather together and } exchange gifts of information, renew friendships, and continue the old } family feuds. } } For Christmas, you owe the Oracle an airline ticket to the next Comdex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise and Wonderous Oracle, please tell me: > > My supervisor (2 levels up) is starting to annoy me.  Being superior in > every way except job title to him, what should I do for revenge? > > Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wise man once said "You are no greater than the things that annoy } you." However, this statement annoys me.  Which would imply that it is } atleast as great as I, and since I am greater than all things, this } presents a contradiction.  Therefore, this statement is false. } } Send you supervisor (2 levels up) an anonymous letter reading: } }       I know what you did.  We all know what you did, }         and we're going to make you pay! } } Then snicker when he walks by your desk.  If by some miracle he should } make a connection between your snickering and the letter, and calls you } on it, deny responsibility by saying: } }         I have no idea.. ANYBODY could have sent it. } } You owe the oracle your next promotion.