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} Sed? I don't have any nephews called that... Who the hell is this
} kid...?
}
} Uh, kid... Look, I'm not your uncle, hell I never even heard of you.
} And you can forget that "thousands of years" idea. You're just a
} human. At best you'll shuffle off to your grave in a little more than
} ninety years. Go out and play in the traffic, I've got work to do. Oh
} yeah, and tell your mother to quit spreading lies about the Oracle,
} it's not good for her health.
}
} Aw cut that out. Don't... Look don't cry. Hey, I can't help it. The
} fact is, I am not your uncle. Ok look, will it make you feel any
} better if I find out who you are related to? It will..? Good. Hang
} on just a minute while I track this down.
}
} Let's see...
} ************************************************************************
} ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS:
} Catering to the Informational
} Needs of the Wisest Deities
} Since the Dawn of Time.
}
} "We handle more data by 9am than all other networks will in their
} lifespan."
} *************************************************************
} LOGON
} USERID: ORACLE
} PASSWORD: *!$!@!*&$
}
} *** Access denied. Invalid Password. ***
}
} What?!! Damn it! I don't have time for this...
}
} LOGON
} USERID: ORACLE
} PASSWORD: *!$!@!*&$
}
} *** Access Denied. Userid not valid. ***
}
} ********************WARNING!!!**********************
} You have made two (2) invalid access attempts. Be
} extremely careful on your next attempt. Three (3)
} invalid attempts will result in immediate termination.
} (NOTE: this does not refer to termination of accounts
} or privileges, but termination of USER. The nearest
} deity will be asked to obliterate your existence.)
} ****************************************************
}
} WHAT?!!!! Who the hell do they think they're screwing with? I'll show
} them something valid....
}
} LOGON
} USERID: The Omnipotent, Omniscient, ULTRA-PISSED-OFF, Fuckin' ORACLE!
} PASSWORD:
} <zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTttttttt!!!>
}
} *** Access Granted ***
} *** LOGON MSG: All sysops have been successfully rendered to smoking
} ashes. Automated backup sysop assistance system online.
} NOTE: Some systems are experiencing irregularities
} due to serious power surge.
}
} HA! I should do that more often. Every once in a while, a personnel
} purge really helps to keep everybody's perspective aligned. OK, let's
} see who that damn kid is...
}
} COMMAND: Access vocal/telepathic command interface.
}
} ***> Hi Big Guy! What can I do you for? <***
}
} Wonderful. A happy computer. I'm going to be sick. Give me Genealogy.
}
} ***> Welcome to the Universal Genealogical Research Facility <***
} ***> OK Orrie, now what? <***
}
} Tell me about this human kid, Sed.
}
} ***> No problem. Searching Universal Data Base. One moment please. <***
} ***> Partial record match found in Primary Data base. <***
} ***> Remainder of requested info found in Master Data Base. <***
} ***> Ha! This is funny. <***
} ***> Standby for transmission of results. <***
} ***> Anything else, Mr. "Big Shot?" <***
}
} Funny? Mr. Big Shot? What the hell are you talking about?
}
} ***> Read. Enjoy. Have a nice day! <***
} ***> Program complete. Connection terminating. <***
}
} ************************************************************************
} ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS:
} Catering to the Informational
} Needs of the Wisest Deities
} Since the Dawn of Time.
}
} "We hope you enjoyed your access. Wait until you see your bill!!"
} ************************************************************************
}
} OK, what have we got...OK...OK...oh. Unhuh. Well that would explain it.
}
} Uh, Sed,... Well, I guess I should say "Son."
}
} Yeah, that's right. Your Mother and I played "spin the Oracle" a few
} year's ago. Man, did I tie one on that night. Hell, I never checked
} on the outcome, or rather, "outcum". HA!! No wonder she's been
} talking shit about me!
}
} Ah Sed, you should be proud of your Mom! She was spectacular, for a
} human. There was this thing she did with a half a quart of water and
} two goldfish that... Oh, well I guess you're a bit too young to
} appreciate that.
}
} Well, I should tell you, you'll never be an Oracle. Eons ago, I
} adjusted my chromosomes so that if they mixed with those of a mortal,
} that they'd become dormant, yielding the offspring mortal, but with
} really weird tastes. Yeah, when you hit puberty you'll start having
} desires for stuff like having sex with anyone available, in an airplane
} lavatory, while being watched by a common house cat. These desires may
} make you an outcast of PC society, but don't worry about it, those
} idiots are no fun anyway. Just enjoy yourself as a mortal. However,
} if you want to live your life a little like me, remember this credo:
}
} REAL LIFE IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
}
} You owe the Oracle the four years of Father's Day presents you've
} missed. Oh yeah, and tell your Mom to give me a call. She'll love my
} aquariums.
}
} T. Usenet Oracle.
} "A Prophet for Profit."
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