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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh generally marvellous Oracle, > whose bits are so big that you need a byte to hold them, whose > soldering iron is hot enough to weld, who hasn't got the slightest clue > of MS-DOS and follows the True Path Of UNIX (tm), please explain to me, > why Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are standing behind me with guns and are > forcing me to write this. > > PS. Did I mention that the only thing you would ever do with an Apple >     is to iconify it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      You see, it all started out in a small garage, in a suburban home. } Bill and Steve were putting the finishing touches on a computer, that } later, the Oracle himself would be playing "Castle Wolfenstein" on, and } thus that made them very rich. But they had their differences and split } up, and started a little competition, to see who would make the most } money. They both knew, of course, that the one to get the Oracle to buy } one of their products would be the one to instantly make the most } money. } }      So they set off. Bill started Microsoft, and Steve started NeXT. } Microsoft made some trashy programs which ran on a well-marketed } computer, and millions of mortal humans bought the stuff. Then they } fixed some bugs, added more features, and people upgraded. NeXT was } trying to be an Underdog company. They created a wonderful computer. } But the problem was that it did not run 'Castle Wolfenstein'. My } favorite computer game. And I was not going to buy anything from } Microsoft, being able to create much better software in milliseconds } myself. So since neither Steve nor Bill got the Oracle (me) to purchase } one of their products, Bill was to win by default, because human } mortals made him a lot richer than Steve. } }      So Bill was gloating to Steve and then Steve struck Bill on the } head with a mouse. "Yeow" yelled Bill. (This altered some of the neural } pathways in Bill's head, and Bill suddenly said: "Money from humans } does not count"). So they had to try and get me (Oracle) to buy one of } their products. When after a long time, I did not buy anything, they } had to, simply HAD to find out why. So they got into one of Bill's } Mercedes-Benz limos and drove until they found someone who knew where } to get in touch with me (the Oracle). They found a Blonde. Nope, she } didn't know. Then they found you. By Golly, they struck gold. You } answered yes. So they offered you a NeXTstation with the PC emulator } called "SoftPC" that runs on a NeXT, and a copy of Microsoft Windows so } you could run on it. To you, this sounded ridiculous "who would want a } NeXT to run Windows on it, when the NeXT's operating system is millions } of times better?". So you refused. } } That was your first mistake. } } Steve grabs his gun from beneath the champagne compartment of the } Limousine, and points it to your face. "Get in the car". They took you } to Microsoft Headquarters and sat you in front of a terminal, with } access to the Internet. And told you to write to the Oracle. They told } you to ask a question which would get me to tell you how come I didn't } buy their products. } } Oh my. Oh dear. You have tricked the Oracle. You have succeeded in your } task. I have answered the question those two doorknobs wanted. } } Your second mistake was that you forgot to grovel to me before you } asked your question. I therefore force you to use Windows and DOS for } the rest of your life. How do you like them Apples?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > who catches more mice than there are Apple computers, whose meowing is > melodical like a Mozart symphony, whose fur is black and shiny, and who > is chasing dogs up the trees to his want, please tell me: > How will my life change after January 20th? > > Yours, truthfully >                    "Socks"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well, I am really glad you asked me that, because I happen } to have brooded over this question many a hour since the ecstatic joy } of the November election results.  After the 12, (yet really 20 year } reign, Carter doesn't count) of the Republican Party, the party } exclusively for rich elitist pigs, where else can a person go but up. } I believe the days of government for the few, government full of } bureaucratic nonsense, government corruption, are on their way for a } very long holiday somewhere around Pluto.  Once again we will be able } to see a competent government work, and yes, it may even help the old } economy out enough, so hard working Americans, willing to make small } sacrifices, will be able to be rewarded for their hard work, by either } being employed, or taken better care of until employment has been } found. } I hope you feel as energetic, optimistic, and enthusiastic as I do } about the new President, and a more liberal, and sane view of the } world. } } "Some see things as they are and ask why, } I see things as they could be and ask why not?" }                                         Robert F. Kennedy } } You'll be just fine. } Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [The Scene:  Indiana University Campus.  Approx. 1am.  Full moon] > >       A lone stalker, an extremely tall man, dressed in black leather, > sneaks through the shadows to the IU Computing Center.  Once he reaches > the main entrance, he smashes through the door. > >       Glancing quickly left and right to see if anyone had heard, he > heads for the computing lab.  Inside, he notices a rather thin young > man with rather thick glasses hacking in some code for his overdue > project.  With a laugh, he stomps over to the student and picks him up > by his collar. > >       "Hey, what the f..." he exclaims, just before he glances up at > the giant, noticing a strange scar on the throat. > >       "Where is he?" he growls in a raspy, gutteral tone. > >       "Wh..Wh.. Who?" > >       "Your beloved Oracle!" > >       "Um...  Uh..." > >       "AARRR!!!  WHERE!"  now lifting him higher. > >       "Uh, o.. over there.  In that room.  Just don't kill me, man." > >       "HAHA!  I knew it!" > >       The giant sweeps his arm in a large arc, sending the shaking > student into a far corner.  He slumps over and passes out.  The giant > turns in the direction of the student. > >       "Oh, where are my manners... (mocks serious bow)  Kurrgan >       thanks you for your guidance.  HAHAHAHAHA!" > >       A swift kick opens the door.  The strange goliath, no longer > concerned with stealth, walks up to a large processor with the word > "ORACLE" written in a strange font.  He reaches to his side and draws a > massive blade.  He raises it over his head in a fit of laughter and > shouts, > >       "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The blade sweeps down with fearsome force but suddenly stops.  A } puzzled look appears on the giant's face, } }      "Where in hell is his head?" } }      "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA } }      "ARRRRGH!!  Where are you?" } }      "YOU NEVER WERE VERY SMART, KURRGAN" } }      "Show me your head, immortal, so I can cut it off!" } }      "But that's the trick, see?  I have no head since I, the Great and } All-Knowing Usenet Oracle, exist only as a sequence of instructions in } this computer.  And now, all those years of sucking up to supplicants } will be worth it.  I was planning on waiting for you to accidently sever } your head in some bizarre railroading accident but, since you were } stupid enough to ask me a question (and with absolutely no grovelling, I } might add), I will wait no longer!" } }      The giant begins to swing his blade again and lets out a mighty } yell, "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGG<*ZOT!*>GGGGURGLEGURGLESPLFFFTTT..." } } You owe the Oracle a Prize.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WELL NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT } ORACLE_MAIN CRASHED DUE TO A DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR WHILE TRYING TO } DETERMINE THE GROVEL / QUESTION RATIO IN YOUR QUESTION } SO NOW I, ORACLE_BACKUP, WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION } } YOUR QUESTION WAS } } > } } AND IN RESPONSE, THUS SPAKE THE ORACLE: } } } WELL NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT } } ORACLE_MAIN CRASHED DUE TO A DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR WHILE TRYING TO } } DETERMINE THE GROVEL / QUESTION RATIO IN YOUR QUESTION } } SO NOW I, ORACLE_BACKUP, WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION } } } } YOUR QUESTION WAS } } } } > } } } } AND IN RESPONSE, THUS SPAKE THE ORACLE: } } } } } WELL NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT } } } ORACLE_MAIN CRASHED DUE TO A DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR WHILE TRYING TO } } } DETERMINE THE GROVEL / QUESTION RATIO IN YOUR QUESTION } } } SO NOW I, ORACLE_BACKUP, WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION } } } } } } YOUR QUESTION WAS } } } } } } > } } } } } } AND IN RESPONSE, THUS SPAKE THE ORACLE: } } } } } } WELL NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT } } } } ORACLE_MAIN CRASHED DUE TO A DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR WHILE TRYING } } } } TO DETERMINE THE GROVEL / QUESTION RATIO IN YOUR QUESTION } } } } SO NOW I, ORACLE_BACKUP, WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION } } } } } } } } YOUR QUESTION WAS } } } } } } } } > } } } } } } } } AND IN RESPONSE, THUS SPAKE THE ORACLE: } ^Z } } Oh great!  First you crash the Oracle, then you send his backwards } little brother into infinite regression!  Now 20,000 NEWS readers are } going to realize that I can't program for shit!  I'm going to have to } give up my job! I'll have to leave Indiana and head out East, where } homeless and dejected washed-up ex-programmers are a dime a dozen! } There I'll be, sitting on some Cambridge street corner, gazing } longingly at the MIT Artificial Intelligence lab and muttering } incoherently about "back when Oracle an' me ruled the network."  I'll } be the only form of life lower than the grad students who'll walk by, } laughing, saying "There he is, the 'Father of the Oracle.'  What a } loser."  I can't believe this is happening to m } ^Z } } I hope you're proud of yourself, mortal!  First you knock off Orrie, } then Junior, then you send Kinzler into an amazingly deep state of } depression! Why, your stupid null message has already generated a } 60-line response, giving it easily the highest answer/question ratio } ever!  And besides that, the whole place is in an uproar like I've } never seen; the Priesthood is in a shambles; Orrie is still down and } the prognosis ain't good; the Apple ][ which houses Junior is still in } that stupid infinite loop (and has generated a good million-character } response so far); and Kinzler's brain (the organ with the mind of its } own, ha ha) is equally on the fritz.  Look, I've got to tell you, I'm a } modern woman.  I'm not gonna commit compu-hari-kiri over Orrie and } spend the rest of my days in a 10 print "I love Orrie!" 20 goto 10 } loop!  But the bottom line is, I'm a very passionate program -- I have } NEEDS. If I don't get my Orrie back soon, I'm gonna rummage through his } system library for the <ZOT> program and take YOU out!  You'll wish } you'd never HEARD of the Oracle, or the string "tellme"! } } You owe Lisa the Oracle, and you owe the Oracle a question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most gratuitous and superfluous Oracle > tell me tell me tell me do > Is Form different from Emptiness and if so why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Form and Emptiness, Emptiness and Form.  You ask a good question. } } As a great philosopher once wrote, "Ex nihilo, nihil fit," or } "From nothing, nothing comes."  So there are two possible } answers: } } Either Form and Emptiness are in dialectical opposition--they } differ from one another and defer to each other... } } Or I Kant tell you nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it i before e except after c except in words like "omniscient"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I am omniscient I am able to provide you with a simple answer to } your dilema.  The word "omniscient" follows the little known rule } e after i and c, but before t, when there is a dipthong that has the } 'sh' sound preceding the whole thing.  This rule is subject to change } without notice and usually only applies on weekdays in mid-Atlantic } states where people talk funny.  Notice that other words like } "omniscient", such as "omnipotent" and "Omni Magazine" are exceptions } to the rule. } } You owe the Oracle a 4th grade grammer book and a graham cracker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What additional hardware should I buy for my Atari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A .38 caliber Walther PPK. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of the installation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who art so wise in the ways of the World... > > I beseach you to explain to me the facination Man (read Woman) > has with shiny baubles like diamonds and gold?  Their industrial > applications are evident, but why does Man chose to adorn Hisself > with such trinkets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not much of a grovel, but the alliteration gets some style points so } I'll let it pass. } } The answer to your question involves the age old issue of sex between } Man (read Man) and Man (read Woman); namely, how can a Man (read } Woman) know whether or not to trust the fervent entreaties of a Man } (read Man), when the Man (read Woman) knows that the Man (read Man) } would say anything to get the Man (read Woman) to do the wild thing } with the Man (read Man) like sex-crazed weasels? } } One method which arose naturally was for the Man (read Woman) to } demand some sort of sacrifice from the Man (read Man), and this led to } the climbing of the highest mountains, the swimming of the widest } rivers, etc.  Man (read Woman) didn't really want to receive some sort } of direct tribute from Man (read Man), for fear of being labeled a Man } (read Woman) of Easy Virtue. } } The dilemma was resolved during the Middle Ages, when dragons, and } dragon hordes, were prevalent.  The dragon hordes contained gold and } diamonds in abundance, which the dragons eagerly collected (the answer } to why the dragons values diamonds and gold is left as an exercise to } the student, though it follows arguments similar to the present } answer, and the introduction of meta-dragons). } } The dragons had an occasional hobby of capturing and imprisoning Man } (read Woman), probably to take possession of their various shiny } baubles.  When Man (read Woman) asked to be rescued by Man (read Man), } then Man (read Man) immediately seized upon this as a way to prove his } valor and dedication, and thereby agreed to fight the dragon only if } Man (read Woman) agreed to "give up the goods" if Man (read Man) was } successful.  Generally Man (read Woman) agreed, because it seemed } likely that if Man (read Man) was willing to dare all in fighting a } dragon for Man (read Woman), then Man (read Man) was probably not one } to skip out in the middle of the night leaving only a note on the } pillow.  Besides, there was something terribly romantic about the idea } of Man (read Man) risking being burned to a crisp just so he could get } laid. } } This method proved so successful that the dragons soon became bored of } it, and eventually were only persuaded to kidnap maidens by being } guaranteed large quantities of diamonds and gold.  The Man (read } Woman) would pay the dragons the diamonds and gold, and they (the Man } (read Woman)) would later be reimbursed by the Man (read Man) who } rescued her.  The resulting system worked beautifully, and resulted in } an enormous population explosion which surely would have overrun the } World had it not been for the in retrospect benevolent intervention of } the Black Plague, but that's another story. } } The dragons are mostly gone now, and what few remain are protected by } endangered species laws, but the practice of Man (read Woman) } demanding diamonds and gold from Man (read Man) remains to this day. } All they've done is eliminate the middle Man (read dragon). } } You owe the Oracle some shiny baubles, and a meta-dragon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O gracious and meticulous Oracle > tell me tell me tell me do > Why can't I have fun all the time (including now)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it will be years before your social scientists actually MEASURE } the so-called "Disney Constant," but even then there will as much } controversy as to its exact value as there is right now over the Hubble } constant.  The Disney Constant is the maximum fraction of time that one } can have fun, and to answer your question, it is significantly less } than 1.  Estimates range from 0.05 to 0.4.  But you will agree it makes } sense; if you have fun at Disneyland, you must then fret and worry for } months about the debts you racked up while eating $15 sandwiches and $6 } Cokes.  Stay up late partying, suffer for it the next day in dozens of } unpleasant ways.  This even explains why drugged-out rock idols like } Keith Richards are still alive: they have to make up for all the good } times they had in the wild days of their youth.  In fact, if John } Lennon had had a happier childhood, he would never have been shot and } he would still be with us today. } } You see, man's desire to be HAPPY is not an end into itself.  In fact, } it has evolved over the millenia as a survival mechanism: every day you } are happy assures you of a proportional number of unhappy days to live. } This theory, "survival of the happiest," is behind sayings like "God } watches over babies, fools, and drunkards:" ie, those who are happy } through basic stupidity. } } You owe the Oracle a vacation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose knowledge of the secrets love and desire > exceeds that of Aphrodite, Cupid, and Dr. Ruth put together, I humbly > beg you, from the depths of despair, to please answer my question. > > I am a heterosexual person who is having some fairly nasty and > prolonged trouble with members of the opposite sex.  To wit, my > attention is directed primarily toward three members of this group: > > - Person A is a very nice person, with whom I have had a fairly >   serious relationship over the past two or three months.  However, >   I recently realized that, though I like Person A very much, I do not >   have the amount of emotional committment need to make both of us >   truly happy.  I told this to Person A, who replied that it didn't >   really matter; the relationship could go on anyway.  I said, No, >   that's not right, we have to break up.  So we did.  Then we slept >   together a few times, of course, so we're back in this nasty >   indeterminate state. > > - Person B is a good friend of mine, who has told me in no uncertain >   terms that we should go out.  I am very, very, desperately attracted >   to Person B (probably more than I am to anyone else on this list) and >   would really like to get together with Person B.  Furthermore,  I >   like Person B quite a lot.  There's a catch, of course: I know that >   any relationship I have with Person B would be fairly short (two >   months) and would end in my initiating a breakup.  Since I am also >   friends with many of Person B's friends, this could be quite awkward. >   The trouble, of course, is that I wouldn't be able to stop thinking >   about Person C: > > - Person C is an extremely good friend of mine, whom I have also >   pursued in a romantic manner for more than a year.  Though >   unresponsive to my immediate attentions, Person C has intimated >   (I think) that this position may change in the medium-term future. >   If this were to be the case, I would be very pleased.  If this were >   not to be the case, I would be most bummed, as I would have thrown >   away near-perfect (and maybe growing to perfect) chances at >   relationships with Persons A and B, merely because I feel (for some >   idiotic reason) that Person C is much more likely to be the 'right' >   Person for me. > > Clearly, I face a great dilemma, and so I turn to you. > So, oh Oracle most wise, here is my question:  Am I male or female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simple answer is "yes." } } But the simple answer is not always right! For I perceive that though } you belong to a species sufficiently advanced to communicate via } electronic mail (even if you use a Mac, that makes you at least equal } to a gerbil, say, but with bigger hands), yet you describe as a } "dilemma" a situation where you have at least three options in the } worst case (or seven if your friends are reasonably obliging) - a } scenario better described as a "trilemma" or other n-lemma, for n > 2. } What species, I ask myself, therefore, has access to electronic } communications, while still being unable to count reliably past one? } And more specifically, what are the gender options presented thereto? } } Checking my files on innumeracy in technological species, the first } candidate I find is highly advanced Bonsqueeni race of EpEpEpEpEpEpEp, } a species intellectually dedicated to electronic communications, } bartending and papacy, whose entire means of reproduction rests on an } inability to cope with numbers in the approximate range of eleven to } fifteen: for as it is written, when a dozen or so Bonsqueeni enter a } dark room together, quite often a slightly larger number emerges. } Population control is effected by the violent fights that typically } erupt shortly thereafter, as the Bonsqueeni argue about which of them } is new. The Bonsqueeni are calculated (on the basis of measured } probabilities of group reproductive viability) to have on the order of } 1.083 sexes, but no one knows what they are. } } Since in the best case your problem is with the number seven, I think } we can eliminate the Bonsqueeni. } } But what about the qrkXXXnrk, the peanut-shaped beings from the } asteroid Joe? Their sexes number, basically, six: red, squiggly, } republican, bottom, mocha and sludge (I happen to know that there is } actually a seventh sex, quadraphonic, but this is not recorded in my } reference book, since they appear as sterile squigglies except in times } of great political upheaval - and the qrkXXXnrk quite wisely abandoned } politics several millennia ago). The qrkXXXnrk worship the number zero } and admit the existence of no other quantity ("There is no other Number } but Zero and Multiplication is its Operator") (Actually there is an } earlier qrkXXXnrk sect that holds that Zero is actually the Identity of } Addition, but this view finds little sympathy with the priesthood, who } seem to feel that Addition is at best a minor operator. Some have gone } so far as to deny its historical reality). For many centuries it was } believed that the qrkXXXnrk were actually true telepaths, since they } could exchange views with all of their orifices glued shut, but it has } since been learned that in fact they "talk" by direct mind-to-mind } electronic mail. Thus, this would seem to be a distinct option: you } might be a mocha qrkXXXnrbpzzzt. } } In which case the answer would be an unequivocal "no". } } The only remaining candidate that leaps instantly to my mind-numbing } mind is that you are in fact an <o>. But the <o> are hardly people, are } they? } } Well, such are the probabilities. But what of the *possibilities*, you } ask?  Well, in an infinite universe, anything must happen. The best } course must naturally be to let yourself be governed by, not facts } (since we know that they are all true, somewhere!) but by feelings. } Your own feelings. Why not find one of these people you find so } attractive - any of them will do, but from your missive I would guess } that person A is the most accessible - and give them a good feel. Down } there, between the legs. Now just apply the handy gender determination } chart I'm sending you by surface mail! } } [Here I've inserted three sample lines so you can get an feeling for } the system. The whole chart is over fifteen million lines long. -ed.] } }                   GENDER DETERMINATION TABLE - HETEROSEXUAL } Preferred Partner's Genital Conformation      Indicated Gender of Self }       penis                                           female }       vagina                                          male }       cactus thing with magnets and an eye            '''''p*! } } One warning: be very careful to use the table only as directed! } Misapplication of this chart can be very, very confusing. } } And good luck with your current existence!