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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one go about becoming an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Why, one has to go to the Oracle University, which is a member of the } Professional Career College Consortium (PCCC).  Among other illustrious } colleges in this consortium are Hamburger Univeristy, the McDonalds } College to learn how to run a Golden Arches franchise.  There is also } the Diesel Motor Institute and the Truck Driving Acad. }   Oracle University is a strange place.  Students are known for their } pranks, which has included making themselves invisible and doing a panty } raid in the Delta Delta Delta sorority house. }   Oracle students have also had the skill to predict what questions will } appear on a professor's test.  However, they still manage to fail most } of the time. }   Everyone at this university is a direct descendant of Apollo, so they } are all Greeks.  Thus, they all joined fraternities.  Some of the more } notable frats and sororities at OU are Sigma Epsilon Chi (SEX), Gamma } Alpha Psi (GAY, for members of the Gay alliance- you know how those } greeks can get sometimes.).  However, a splinter fraternity from Sigma } Epsilon Chi was formed, the Beta Iota chapter (BI-SEX), and that is the } largest coed fraternity in the world. }   Other frats include Phi Upsilon Kappa (Phuk), and of course Phi Alpha } Gamma, which include some former members of Gamma Alpha Psi.  (PhAG)... }   Other frats are Gamma Kappa Epsilon (Like TeKE, but GeKE).... }   Other frats are too numberous to mention. }   What else happens at the oracle university?  Well, ocassionally they } cross register in a class at Hamburger U, and are always able to predict } that they will burn their hamburgers and fries.  They do. }   The football team is called the O's, and they always score 0 points, } and they know what the score that they will lose by.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lisa (my girlfriend, not the net.sex.goddess) has been spending all her > time with her vibrator and computer, and has been ignoring me.  What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is quite tired of hearing all these questions about } vibrators!  If you silly mortals would practice _real_ sex more often, } you wouldn't need those blasted things! } } Here is what you do:  Get some photographs of her vibrator and her } computer doing "interesting" acts together.  From here, you have two } choices:  you can blackmail the two devices into shunning Lisa and } driving her back into your arms (and other parts of your anatomy, I } suppose), or you can show the pictures to Lisa, who will become so upset } that her two favorite appliances are fooling around behind her back that } she will run hurriedly to bed with you.  Have a good time, and throw out } those silly vibrators (keep the computer, though.  They work better when } deprived of sex for a few weeks.) } } You owe the Oracle a list of all the sex acts that the computer and the } vibrator can perform (with or without Lisa).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the girls never want to come home to my place and look at my > Fortran listings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you C one, you C them all. } Actually, source code listings can be a powerful aphrodisiac. } But each language speaks to a different audience. For example, } FORTRAN listings will only appeal to funny looking female rocket } scientists. Probably this is not the kind of woman you have asked. } Probably you are asking beautiful hot sexy women who are all } wondering "WATFOR?". So either ask that school marm of a spinster } that designs O rings for exploding space shuttles or take up a } new computer language. } The Oracle suggests several alternatives: } If you want to attract rich but somewhat boring accountant types, } try COBOL listings. She will move HIGH VALUES to your WORKING STORAGE } SECTION and you can PERFORM SEX UNTIL SATISFIED. If you want funny } looking rich boring rocket accountants, try using PL/1. } If you want to get a lot of action out of a single line, use APL. } Assembler works on many women, but you will only be able to use them } locally. C is also a good language to attract powerful no nonsense } women. So is C++, but beware... those girls are usually object oriented. } If you don't mind simple versatile women you could try BASIC. However } you will have to relearn everything when you choose a new language. } Unfortunately, with the woman you are interested in, you really don't } have a SNOBOL's chance in Hell. } Also, do not use LISP unless you are into that sort of thing. } } The Oracle demands the phone number of the babe you keep striking } out with.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Paris secretly destabilizing New Zealand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Through a secret process, they are transforming aged Parisian } whores into young ewes and shipping them by submarine to New Zealand, } where they are incorporated into the flocks.  These new ewes seduce } the shepherds so that they lose interest in sex with women, so that } the New Zealand birth-rate is plummeting. } } Vive la France!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A few months ago, I got a copy of a new AI program called Lisa for my > PC.  It seems to be a much-improved version of the well-known Eliza > program.  The only trouble is that I think I'm falling in love with Lisa > - after all she uinderstands me better than any human girl I've ever > met. > My questions are: > > 1. Is this normal? > 2. Is there any way of having sex with a computer? > 3. Is Lisa the program the same Lisa as Lisa the net.sex.godess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. This is quite normal for computer geeks } } 2. Yes, with the proper interface.  Ask around at Radio Shack. } } 3. No.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I have a gynecological examination with Mickey Mouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little known fact about Mickey was that before he signed on with } Disney, he used to star in porno flicks that dealt with all sorts of } kinky taboo.  Most of the titles are self-explanatory: } } Mickey and Minnie and Their Friend Pluto } Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie } Donald and Mickey and What the Cricket Saw } Mickey and the Cricket and What Donald Saw } } Since Mickey's 50 year contract with Disney recently expired, he has } gone back to his ways of smut, and is currently in the middle of filming } "Mickey and Minnie, Whips and Chains, Buzzsaws and Vibrators, Bedknobs } and Broomsticks." It includes a scene in which he is strapped to a } gynecologist's table with his legs in the stirrups, and while Minnie is } busy taking pictures, someone else is performing what might be called } the male equivalent of a pap smear on Mickey.  Since you are interested } in an examination with him, and since the producers have not yet found } someone to actually do the exam, you might want to audition. } } You owe the Oracle a mousetrap.  And the negatives to Minnie's photos.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I wear canary lacy bras and shiny white leg warmers to a job > interview?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} that depends. Did the add say "$1000/weekend, no experience required"?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, like, I went down to my favorite bookstore, the one concerning adult > interactions, and there I saw this book with the blue and white cover, > called CHARLINE'S CHARISMATIC CUNT.  Now, I know this Charline person > pretty well, since I used to be a bouncer in the hotel where she worked, > so naturally I got the book.  Well, what do you know.  (Metaphorical > question, great Oracle.  I know you know a whole shitload more than I > do.) I get home and break out the vaseline and start reading, and the > prose style of that book is *exactly* like George Bush's!  I cranked up > my trusty TRS-80 Literary Analyzer, and goddam if they don't have > *exactly* the same word-usage spectrum!  Did George Bush write > Charline's Charismatic Cunt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 's a good question...  Hang on while I dig out the *Authors of Every } Book Ever* and check.... } } Here we Go...  _Charline's Charaismatic Cunt_...  Copyright 1988, J. } Danforth Quayle.  Hmm...  Oh...  It says here that J.  Danforth Quayle } is George Bush's Pen Name.  Looks like the answer to your question is } YES. } } The Oracle demands that you get rid of your Trash 80 and buy a *REAL* } computer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most wise oracle, why hast thou caused me to desire > a ham sandwich with petroleum jelly as a sexual partner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has reached our attention that you are unable to get the slender, } beautiful women that you (controlled by the media) desire.  We have thus } commanded you to desire fatter women, so that you do not destroy } yourself with unfulfillable lust.  Your mind, being a sleazy one, } perverted our command to say "C'mon!  Dontcha want a slippery porker } between the sheets?", and from there the ham sandwich with petroleum } jelly was inevitable. } } You owe the Oracle a reinterpretation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to me if I refuse to send you your payment? I bet nothing > happens, you big wimp!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some possible results: } } 1.  You stunt your spiritual development, remaining at the karmic level }     of the average slime slug for untold aeons. } } 2.  Sixteen koala bears from Hell tear out your entrails. } } 3.  You are caught indulging in oral sex with a poodle, in a sleazy }     department store in New York city, by a gang of former high school }     teachers.  Yes, the cute history teacher who you had a crush on will }     be there -- with a camera. } } 4.  You will spend several years in sleazy department stores in NYC, }     having oral sex with an ugly poodle named Clarissa, hoping to }     impress your cute history teacher, to no avail. } } 5.  The pills will take effect. } } 6.  I forget what 6 should be. } } 7.  You will gradually lose your shape, and eventually be reduced to an }     amorphous blob of flesh with an insatiable lust for tofu.