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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, I humble myself at your pedal extremities and kiss the > toes of your safety shoes!  Tell me, tell me, I implore, what is the > best way to clean a pair of REALLY FILTHY track shoes.  I'm telling > you, my room mate's shoes smell like three-week old garbage on a hot > beach and they're driving me nuts! *gag*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...I, being possessed of a pair of omnipotent Odor Eaters [tm], } don't normally have to deal with this problem, but I'll certainly give } it a whirl. } } Let me see, there are all sorts of fragrances you could try, but that } really won't solve the problem for very long.  Presumably you could try } tossing them in the wash (CAUTION!  Wear safety goggles and aprons when } handling known toxic chemicals and substances!  Kids, don't try this at } home!  This college student is [going to be] a Trained Professional!), } although that has its drawbacks. } } Tell ya what, I'll just slip on down and see how bad these shoes really } are...Energize, Mr. O'Brien. } } [beam effect goes here] } } Well, where's the...By the Multifaceted Eyes of Beelzebub, those things } are STINKY!  Supplicant, you'd best stand WAY back. (Phew!  Lisa, hon, } draw a bath...) Ready?  Anyone coming? Good... } } <ZOT!>  <beam> } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing.  You owe your roomie a new pair of } shoes, however.  Come to think of it, you owe the Oracle -- as a } PERSONAL favor -- $15.95, to cover the cost of a foot bath and personal } podal care guide for your roommate.  Tell him garlic generally isn't } eaten with his toes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent Omnidirectional Oracle, > please answer my question: > > At my high school, there is a 3M 570 copier.  Of course, being school > property, it won't copy to save its live.  Likewise, we have IBM's in > the computer labs. > > The question is:  how do I make the copier copy like a good copier > would (chuck)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A clever copier can cause a copier to copy clearly by kicking it } correctly.  Concentrate.  Consider causing catastrophic calamities } concerning copiers.  Kick!  Kick!  Kick!.  Clean copier crumbs. } ('Cause copier crumbs cause copier kickers to be kicked from class.) } Commence copying clean copies on the kicked copier.  Creating correct } clean copies causes copiers to clunk and clang.  Kick correct copiers } accordingly to keep clean copies coming.  Caution:  Caught copier } kickers copying quits. } } Concerning computers:  Current conditions could crumble.  Consider } computing correctly keying a Mac-in-Flush.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great grand wonderful oracle > > can i lock my caps in the lowercase position, to make typing easier? > before i go offending people with my stylishly hip lowercase type, what > are the implications and meanings i send to my reader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YES, BIFF! } } SUCH A THING EXISTS, A KEYBOARD ON WHICH YOU CAN TYPE ONLY LOWERCASE } CHARACTERS, AND UPPERCASE CHARACTERS ARE THE EXCEPTION. HOWEVER, } TO COME INTO THE POSSESSION OF SUCH A WONDERFUL THING, YOU MUST FIRST } REACH THE STATE OF TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT. } THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT IS LONG AND ARDUOUS. PROCEED AS FOLLOWS: } 1. DROP YOUR COMMODORE 64 OUT OF THE WINDOW. DO IT NOW AND DO NOT }    HESITATE. } 2. GO AND GET AN ACCOUNT ON A MAINFRAME. THIS IS THE FIRST STAGE }    OF ENLIGHTENMENT. BE SURE TO GET A VMS MACHINE AND NOR VM, BECAUSE }    VM IS A WORK OF EVIL AND FEW HAVE EVER COME OUT OF ITS CLUTCHES. } 3. LEARN TO TYPE IN LOWERCASE CHARACTERS, EVEN IF ALL YOUR COMMANDS }    ARE STILL AUTOMATICALLY CONVERTED TO UPPERCASE. }    SUCH IS THE PREPARATION OF ENLIGHTENMENT. } 4. FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW UNTIL NOW. MAKE YOUR MIND EMPTY AND }    SEND A MESSAGE TO THE ORACLE WITH THE WORD "GNU" IN THE SUBJECT }    LINE. }    WITH A LITTLE LUCK, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO REACH A PARTIAL LEVEL }    OF ENLIGHTENMENT OF, SAY, 10% IN NOT QUITE THREE YEARS. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A C SHELL.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH most profound and wise Oracle, I pray thee answer my query... > > How large should a woman's breasts be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, listen up!  There's someone with a question for you... about how } large a woman's breasts should be... yes, that's what I thought } myself...  all RIGHT, don't start shouting about it... it's not MY } fault it's not MY letter... I was NOT criticising... I like your } breasts, I think them enormous... no no NO I didn't mean that at } all...  ANYONE would find those breasts enormous... Lisa you know I } love you...  Look we can go to the cinema this evening and dine out } afterwards...  what do you mean five weeks ago... but I COULDN'T... yes } I did promise but I had work up to my ears...  Now don't go in a huff } about it... yes you ARE in a huff... huff huff HUFF...  Lisa } pleeeease...  I didn't want to hurt your feelings I didn't really... } don't start crying you make me feel wretched... I think your breasts } look PERFECT honey...  Its NOT that I don't love you I want to do it } every time I see you... I know last time was two months ago... Lisa } that was my last hanky I don't have any others... pleeeease be good to } me...  you're my one and only, I can't LIVE without you... I'm } miserable downright miserable...  yes, I DO think you're looking sexy, } you're looking sexy all the time... What, NOW?!  For crysake, I can't } POSSIBLY leave all this work on the table... I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF } YOU!  Please, we can have a go this evening... STOP NAGGING ME, YOU'RE } ALWAYS NAGGING ME!  I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE LETTER I'M } APOLOGIZING ALL THE TIME!  Look, I'll only answer the first 300 } Questions today. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT BUT PLEASE STOP SCREAMING AT } ME!  yes yes YES! ... Later!   I told you later! ...  all right all } right all RIGHT! ... SO DO IT IF YOU WANT TO! ... I'm NOT cold I'm } NOT heartless I'm NOT cruel!  For heaven's sake!  Is it MY FAULT YOU'RE } GETTING A FLAPPISH APPEARANCE?! ... SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP! } and shut the door too!  (Phew... ) } } --- HEY WHAT DID YOU MEAN `FOREVER'?...  (Oh dear.  Now I'm in for real } trouble.)   LISA COME BACK, PLEASE COME BACK!  I APOLOGIZE I'M SORRY } ABOUT IT HONEST I APOLOGIZE!  I WILL NEVER EVER HURT YOUR FEELINGS } AGAIN!...  LIIISAAA!  SWEETHEART!  WAIT LISA!  Pleeaaase Honey } (sob).... } } } Dear Sir, Dear Madam, } } The Priesthood of the Oracle acknowledges the receipt of your } question(s). } At this time of writing, our facility is unfortunately still closed due } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } to the absence of its owner.  As soon as our service is functional } again, we will announce this fact in all the important daily } newspapers.  In the mean time, we thank you for your tolerance, } patience, and cooperation. } } This form letter does not carry a signature. } } Sincerely yours, } Priesthood of the oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three cords, if he chucks all day, two if he breaks for lunch. } The Oracle is quite impressed with your notation for the WC query. } } You owe the Oracle !

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, > >    If I send a question to 'oracle@cs.indiana.edu' but instead of > putting 'tell me' in the subject, I put 'ask me,' where does the > question go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personnel Department. } } You'll be hearing from them on Monday about the job.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> most red and blue and red and black and white and green and orange and > yellow Oracle - > > what color is the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Viridian.  Definitely viridian. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of Misty Ecru.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O one who has all the original Star Trek episodes on tape, even unto > the fifth season: > > What are those long, inward-curving prongs on Deep Space 9, that make > it look like a bent claptrap, or perhaps a skeletized sphere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha! You have stumbled onto the most important part of the space } station in Deep Space 9, the pigstickers!  Throughout the many seasons } to come, we shall see many new and innovative uses for this dada bit of } structure, as the script-writers need escape-hatches for the corner } they've painted themselves into. } } Already we've seen them used as } 1: spaceship docks } 2: "structure" for the shields } } Look for these and more creative plots in the future! } 3: A Kyrranh Ambassador brings with him to DS9 a harem larger than the }    population of most colonies, overburdening the unreliable on-board }    life-support and sparse luxury quarters.  The situation reaches }    critical mass when the Ambassador demands that all of his }    fourteen-thousand suits be pressed or else all negotiations are off }    (Kyrannhs take their laundry _very_ seriously).  After an intense }    discussion, crisis is averted when Sisko orders a gigantic laundry- }    line stretched between the prongs. } } 4: A holodeck-simulation goes awry when Sisko's son drops his slingshot }    in an open maintenance panel and a maniacial evil wizard kidnaps Dax }    to the West Tower... } } 5: Despite the hard work of the engineering team, DS9 is left without }    photon torpedoes or phasers after an alien sabotage, and instead }    counter the attack of a deadly warship by ramming a prong into the }    side of the ship. } } 6: A renegade comet threatens to hit the planet, until a trampoline is }    strung up between the prongs and the comet bounces away harmlessly. }    (DS9, however, is kicked out of orbit.) } } 7: DS9 transforms into a giant insect to thwart the Decepticons. }    Prongs become all-important antennae. } } Other uses for the prongs } } 8: Ideal place to sulk } 9: Raise the mizzenmast, laddie! } 10: Perfect for psychic channelling and seances. } 11: A veritable grab bag of random events! (Roll d6 to determine what }     (a) children playing hide-and-go-seek, a lost security team, or a }     mischevous alien find in the rarely visited prong: 1. Stolen plans }     left by a Ferengi spy, 2. A mysterious alien document, 3. A new }     alien lifeform of a kind not encountered before, 4. Rosebud, 5. A }     dusty old sword promising mystical power to all those that possess }     it, 6. Q's underwear.) } 12: Make your own.  Be creative! } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Milk and Cheese.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great magnanamous Oracle, whose bile is too glorious for me to lick, > please tell me this: > >   Why is software upgraded so often, if it's not to make terrible >      profits at the expense of users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are right, software upgrades exist for the sole purpose of gouging } the user. There is no point in upgrading your software, since it } doesn't get much better. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of WordStar 1.0

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent, munificent Oracle and probability god: > Suppose you are given 3 opaque boxes and I tell you that if you pick > the box with a stone in it you will win a free trip to Miami Beach. > You pick a box, say, box #1.  I now open box #3 and show you that it is > empty.  I give you the option to switch your choice from box #1 to #2. > Should you do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a good example to illustrate the difference between mortal } probabilities and Oracular probabilities.  First, mortal probability: } } Let's say a mortal supplicant is given a choice between three boxes, } one of which contains a stone, there is a 33% chance that he or she } will pick the right box (plus an infinite number of repeating decimal } 3's). When one of the boxes is removed, the mortal's chances of picking } the correct box goes up to 50%, which means that he or she will do } better in the long run by changing his or her choice. } } Now, Oracular probability is a bit different, because of the fact that } the ALL-KNOWING and OMNISCIENT Oracle already knows where the stone is. } The probability of the Oracle picking the right box depenends on the } following factors: } }    1. Whether the offered trip to Miami is 1st class or coach. }    2. Projected levels of precipitation and temperature in Southern }       Florida during the time period in question. }    3. What Lisa is willing to do to convince me that we need a }       vacation away from Indiana. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle SPF 15 with cocoa-butter and a new } beach chair.