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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, Joshu came to the Oracle and asked: > Does this Koan have Buddha nature? > And the Oracle said: You have not grovelled. > And since Joshu did not grovel, nobody was > enlightened on that day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And Joshu begat Ishmael } Who begat Mashusida } Who begat Zethro } Who begat a long line of unnotables } Who begat Homer } And all remembered the koan of Joshu, but none had usenet access, }   so none were enlightened. } } And Homer begat Biff, and lo! Biff's C-64 had a fifty baud coupler }   modem, and Biff spake to the Oracle thus: } } > OH ORACLE WHO KNOWS HOW TO GET O } > UT OF TGHE LOUD ROOM IN ZORK I H } > AVE READ MACWORLD AND BYTE AND N } > EXTWORLD AND I DO NOT UNDERSTYAN } > D THEM BUT I SSSEE THAT EACH CLA } > IMS THEIR COMPUTER IS BEST BUT I } >  KNOW INTUITIVLY THAT C-64 IS BE } > ST BECAUSE IT HAS EIGHT SPRITES } > AND IBM HAS NONE HAHAHA!  IS THI } > S KOAN BUDDAH NATURE? } } And thus Spake the Oracle: } } } Child, you are close, but you must do more.  You must replace } } your NiftyDos with VM and you must make your virtual memory } } device a card punch/reader, and you must love this thing even } } when you have no cause to.  Then your head will be truly empty. } } } } You owe me nothing after you have found it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Wonderful Oracle, whose Voice is like the sound of a > Celestial Accordian, and whose Gaze is as penetrating as the rays of > the sun on a clear day in Solvang, please tell me why anyone would want > *ugh* anchovies on pizza!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my Voice is more like a one-tone harmonica with MIDI, but } you are pretty close about my Gaze, thanks. } } On the Bellatrix Half-Moon XXXIV, the rare *ugh* anchovy is considered } a delicacy on pizza with blue cheese and mango.  The more difficult } political treaties produced on this moon (the galactic treaty is its } principle export) are often consummated with the very stiff and } ritualistic pizza fest, where each slice of pizza must bear an exact } weight and volume of the *ugh* anchovy, down to the microgram, or } the whole thing is off.  The pizza is then followed by a tournament } to the death of Pictionary, or the solemn chanting of the lines } from a selected Gilligan's Island rerun. } } Once some students at the Interdimensional Moon University (I Moon U) } played a prank and substituted the *ugh* anchovies with Earth } anchovies, which started a war so fierce that it caused one galaxy } to collapse and two others to be created; and of course that's how } the Half-Moon XXXIV became half a moon.  The students, who were } football players on scholarships, were suspended from two games and } asked not to do it again. } } You owe the Oracle a single *blah* anchovy pudding, and a black hole } to hold it still and keep it fresh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, I know that this grovel cannot possibly satisfy you, and that > part of this grovel's grovelness resides in this very fact.  And I know > that, despite this truth, I must attempt to make this grovel *really* > grovel. > > Grovel grovel. > > My friend here contends that logic can't prove its own validity, while > I am of the opinion that a good pizza is probably worth more than truth > or logic. Which of us is right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's watch and find out: }  [ Two young college guys Mr. TruthandLogic and Mr. Pizza are hanging }    out at the student union checking out the co-eds.] } } T&L:   Man, I am so bummed.  My logic proffesor just told us about }        Godel's theorem and now I feel like I can't trust any of the }        engineering crap I've studied so far. } } P:     Hey Dude, Lighten up. Let's get a Pizza and go find some babes. } } T&L:   Maybe a woman *could* help me take my mind off my troubles. } } P:     Yeah. Check out those chicks coming out of the bookstore. }        Woah. } } T&L:   Excuse me, miss. Hi. I'm a typical college student who's }        depressed about life and school and I was hoping to pick }        you up and take you back to my room for some meaningless }        sex that might cheer me up and take my mind off of my }        troubles. } } Co-ed: Get lost, creep. } } T&L:   Listen. A. All women who help those in need feel good about }        themselves. B. I'm a guy in need. C. If you sleep with me }        then you'll feel good about yourself. } } Co-ed: Security. SECURITY! [ runs off ] } } P:     Hey, man, you really blew it with that babe. Why did you }        tell her all that stuff about being depressed and trying }        to lay her? } } T&L:   Well, because it's the truth of course. } } P:     Hey well, here comes a hot babe. Let me try. } } P:     Hey babe, want to go share a pizza. } } Babe:  Well, okay sure, if we can go to Pizza and Tunes and dance }        too. } } P:     Let's go.  See ya in the morning, Dude. } } Looks like you're both on the right track. I guess it depends } on your priorities. } } You owe the Oracle an Eight Meat Combo and a good pickup line.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You great Oracle, > > the greatest of all the Oracles, > > the only Oracle who is a real Oracle, > the only Oracle who is called the Usenet Oracle, > the only Oracle who possesses Lisa, > > the Oracle whom Lisa calls Orie, > the Oracle whom supplicants grovel, > the Oracle whom supplicants ask questions, > > the Oracle who lives in, but not limited to, cs.indiana.edu, >                moose.cs.indiana.edu and my mbox, > the Oracle who knows the answer to all the questions the Lord has ever >                created, > the Oracle who knows how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a >                woodchuck could chuck wood, > the Oracle who knows how much chalk would a woodchuck chuck if a >                woodchuck could chuck chalk, > the Oracle who requires an answer to a question for the payment, > the Oracle who sometimes doesn't require an answer to a question for >                the payment, > the Oracle who asks the supplicants other supplicants' questions, > the Oracle who doesn't care whom to zot, whom not to zot, > the Oracle who does not put _zot in every commercial library, > the Oracle who zots Thor, > the Oracle who reads 69 pages in 42 seconds, > the Oracle who created the x_Oracle, which is the X Windows Oracle (tm), > the Oracle who rescues a man whose head is wedged into his asshole, > the Oracle who is wider than The Niagara Falls, > the Oracle who is higher than the Everest, > the Oracle who is Thicker Than A Brick (not Thick As A Brick (remember? >                Jethro Tull?)), > the Oracle who > the Oracle who > t h e  O r a c l e  w h o > t  h  e    O  r  a  c  l  e    w  h  o > > I/O error during x_cdplayer: C D    P  l  a  y  e  r >                            s   l   o   w   i   n   g     d    o    w   n > Fatal Error: Power shutdowm. Replay of the requested CD "grovel" > suspended. Job summary: >     Percentage played: 90% >     Percentage remained: 90% >     Percentage lost during shutdown period: 90% >     Supplicant zotted >     Lisa slept >     Question ignored >     Chapter 69 finished >     Current page number: 121 >     CPU cycles: 42 > Recommendation: Since question is ignored, it is not possible to ask >     the question. > Suggestions: Since 90% of the CD is already played, it seems reasonable >     to ask the question. > NOTE: Since the Usenet Oracle requires an answer to the question, it >     might be risky to ask the question. > Theorem: Every question has an answer which the Usenet Oracle knows. > Proof: There is no proof. The theorem is wrong. > > Fatal Error: Proof is anti-Oracle. >            Auto explode-zot activated. >              Checking alert zot machines ... Done. Alert zot machines >              ready. >            Alert zot machine number 69-42-121 assigned to the project. >            Auto lock radar feature enabled. >            Target set to zottable proud lousy arrogant humble unworthy >            supplicant. >              Zot machine aimed at the target. >              Zot level set to explosive. >              Final check ... Done. >            Zot machine fired. >              Waiting for the target to be zotted ... ^C > > (sigh) > > Dear Sir Oracle Version 1.0 (tm), > >      Sorry for my incomplete grovel. I was about to run the HELP > Software (tm) I was developing but I came across the following > error messages: > > C:\>HELP > - Stupid untrapped tickling encountered in high byte address stack >   while formatting output buffer overload concept. > - Taken into account Standard Input/Output handles established prior to >   overemphasized output deficiency occupation of external memory bank >   identifier. > - Result summary: >   - Job cancelled. >   - Illegal object file linked. >   - Shell identifiers set identical to I/O channel expansion slot >     pin 9 (Decimal Input/Output Acknowledge Identification Register). >   - CPU set to Digital Coded Occupation of Memory Contents Buffering >     mode of operation cancelling. >   - All files deleted. > C:\>_ > > So, what would you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My suggestion: Ditch the Atari and get a real computer. } } You owe the Oracle an 8-times oversampled filter-tipped } CD washer/dryer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O most geologically stable Oracle, who could even hold nuclear waste > until it naturally decayed, I ask you with the sincerity of a thousand > country singers: >      What do you eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though my first temptation is to respond, "Rash Supplicants! (sauteed } with butter, salt and pepper)," I shall be less untoward for the nonce } while I ponder your grovels and decipher what the hell you're talking } about. } } Generally, for breakfast, should I partake of a morning meal at all, I } prefer a dish of Eternal Flame (served upon the backs of devoted } servants), with a side of Brimstone (in season) and a glass of O.J. } (shaken, not stirred).   I used to enjoy the occasional toasted } Crusader, but they're so hard to find these days and besides, the ones } I had in the fridge were beginning to spoil. } } I do like brunching on a nice helping of belching Vesuvian magma when I } can get it, though.  When I cannot, a bolt of lightning or two in } Tabasco is always a decent snack. } } You owe the Oracle breakfast in bed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, I seem to have an incredibly complex problem.  I come > to you, and incredibly complex man...er, woman...er, thing...um...I > mean I come to you you wonderful...uh...Deity? > > Hey, just how the heck should I address you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting question, supplicant.  I think the best way to reply is } to see how the problem of addressing is taken in other contexts. } } - Golf: to address the ball one stands beside it and swipes a piece of }   metal (commonly known as the "club") at some considerable speed near }   the ball without actually hitting it.  However, if you dare threaten }   me in this way you wouldn't live to complete your follow-through. } } - Dressmaking: addressing takes the form of measuring the customer up }   (and making snide comments about inside leg measurements if one is }   acting in a Carry On film).  The drawback is that the Oracle does }   not wear dresses.  Well, except the little red number at the back }   of the wardrobe.  And the flowing pink one.  And the velvety }   black one which goes so well with the heels and the ... sorry. } } - Computing: addressing involves procedures aptly named in the }   BASIC language as PEEKing and POKEing.  And if you think I'm about }   to let you peek and poke the Oracle, think again. } } - Hmmm.  The Oracle's dictionary also defines address (pl.) - }   courtship. And let me say straight off that I'm not that sort of }   Deity. } } So basically you should address me enclosing a stamped self-addressed } envelope. } } You owe the Oracle a five iron and a zip code.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene:  A darkened computer lab.  A shadowy figure sits before } the nearest terminal, which casts a sickly green glow across his } snickering countenance.  The message on the terminal reads: } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58102 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? }       > } } The shadowy figure giggles with delight.] } } "It works!  My random question generator is a success!" } } [A second terminal beeps, and displays the message:] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58103 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, }       > the Universe and Everything? }       > } } "Bwahahahaha!  The Oracle will be brought to his knees!" } } [A third terminal beeps...] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58104 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? }       > } } "Revenge is mine!  LISA is mine!  He'll be trapped in the loop } forever!" } } [beep] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } Nice try, Loki, but there's a bug in your program. }       } Each of the questions you send in has a blank line }       } at the end, which makes them easy to filter out... }       } }       } You owe the Oracle a terminal.  This one will do: } } [The terminal disappears in a puff of smoke.] } } "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhh!" } } [beep] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, }       > the Universe and Everything? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } As much wood as it will take to rebuild this computer lab }       } when I finish dismantling it.  You owe the Oracle a mainframe. } } [There is a loud BANG and all the terminals vanish except one, } which beeps and displays the following message...] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } Here's a better riddle: } } [The door to the lab shudders, as an earsplitting KNOCK KNOCK } reverberates across the campus...] } } Loki whirls to face the door.  "Who's there?" } } [beep] }       } Oracle. } } [Loki shouts a Nordic curse, and vanishes in a puff of green smoke. } The terminal beeps again:] } }       } You're supposed to say "Oracle who?", moron. } } Better luck next time!  You owe the Oracle one of those Viking hats } with the neat horns coming out the side, like Hagar wears.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great, Magnificent, Stupendous, Massive, Glowing, Radiant, and > Otherwise Cool Oracle, answer me this question: > > Why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or else I'd be out of business!  Could you think of a more kushy job } than giving out stupid answers to even dumber questions, and collecting } pretty much anything you like for payments? } } You owe the Oracle... hmmm... let's see...  A preview copy of the new } Paul McCartney CD (I don't want to wait 'till February) and... er... a } pickled pepperoni and cottage cheese stew.  (I skipped breakfast this } morning, and I'm getting hungry)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise oracle, who sees the future with more clarity than > ever did Nostradamus or Gene Roddenberry, I have had a troubling > vision... > > I see a planet that's glowing red. > I see the millions burning in their beds. > I see the future that might have been, > Torn from the future by hungry men. > I have the same dream every night. > I wake up shaking in the morning light. > I don't know what could be expected of me. > I only know that I believe what I see. > And you, do you see what I see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I used to get that too. Try Milk of Magnesia. It does wonders. } } You owe the Oracle a plutonium-powered suppository.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You who are with oh so copious free time to answer the ignorant > questions of those like me, I beseech you for an answer. > > I was watching the Spinal Tap rockumentary the other day, and > discovered that they had a sound system, whose volume control went to > 11.  I feel, now, that my stereo is lacking, and no longer gives me > enjoyment.  How might I find such a windrous piece of equipment, so > that I, too, may have music, that goes to 11?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After conducting extensive research into this subject, which of course } I don't have to do since I am omniscient but the press is kinder to me } if I use a phrase like "extensive research," -- } } [Message from spelling_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu]  Did you see how } that guy spelled "wondrous?"  I think that deserves a <ZOT> in the } kisser. } } No, no, no!  "Windrous" conveys the essence of any sound system whose } volume control goes to 11.  In fact, such a system should be capable } of not only brisk winds, but also of typhoons and other seismic } activity. } } [Message continues]  Come on!  "Windrous" isn't even a word!  The } supplicant could have used "windy" or "gale-force" or even "blustery." } But "windrous?!" } } That not withstanding, I think the supplicant's question was a very } good on and deserves-- } } [Message from grovel_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu] Did you notice... } } --Oh no!  Not you too!-- } } [Message continues]  ...that the last message you received didn't have } a grovel or even mention your name?  Can, I <ZOT> him?  Can I?  Can I? } Please let me <ZOT> him. } } All right already!  Grovel_daemon, from now on you have my permission } to zot anyone who sends me a message without a grovel. } } [Message from spelling_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu]  Hey, how come } grovel_daemon gets to <ZOT> supplicants if <ZOT>!!! } } [Message from grovel_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu]  Wow!  That was fun! } And here comes another message without a <ZOT>!!! } } There, that's better.  Are you still there, supplicant?  I'm sorry, I } was just upgrading my software.  I'm afraid the sound system in Spinal } Tap was a once-only custom job, and it's now under heavy guard at the } Smithsonian Institute, in the weather display.  So you can't get music } that goes to eleven without ending up in a prison somewhere.  Sorry! } } You owe the oracle a volume control that goes to 11.