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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Illustrius wun!  O saij of saijjes! > > My gurlfrend wants me to kwit skool and git a job.  Three kwestshuns: > Shud I do laekh she sez?  Kan I git a job wit yoo?  Wut happins if I go > kwit my education?  Shud I dump my gurlfrend ofer this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oah, yoo pooah chayld... } } I siy yoah futua... yoo wil kwit skool and git a job.  Yoo wil mery } yoah wo-man, and yoo wil hav meny cheldryn!  Then, yoo will git wilfere } an liv a lon lon tym. } } Yooah futua is not defenete, tho.  Yoo must dicyde yoah faet... clos } yoah eis and pictuah a wid opan feeld.  Iyf you sie yoo an yoah wo-man } togetha on that thea field, you too ar destened to mary.  Iyf yoo see } tries and lots o bugs, dump that wo-man and ruun as faast as yoo can } aWAY! } } THE GREAT ORACLE HAS SPOKEN!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think your groovy.  Honest. > > When playing twenty questions, is "freedom" an animal, mineral, or > vegetable? I think it is a mineral, but really am not sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I'm glad you asked me this, because Freedom is actually a } chemical compound.  The chemical process by which freedom is } produced is as follows : } } In the prehistoric era, Converging Population compound (Cp) } reacts with Rampant Anarchy molecule (Ran) to produce } Disorganised Rabble compound (Dor) } }               Cp + Ran  ->  Dor } } A few thousand years later, Megalomaniac molecule (Meg) } spontaneously appears from Disorganised Rabble and reacts } with it to produce one Monarch molecule (Mon) surrounded by a } layer of the Organised Lynch Mob (Olm) and a great number of } Oppressed Peasant molecules (Ops) } }              Dor + Meg  ->  Mon + Olm + Ops } } Then there is a chain reaction between the Organised Lynch Mob } and any Disorganised Rabble compound that still exists. } This reaction is dominated by Olm to release large amounts of } Early Funeral molecules (Ef) and resulting in even more } Oppressed Peasant molecules. } }              Olm + Dor  ->  Ef + Ops } } However, the single Mon molecule usually cannot bond with so } many Oppressed Peasant molecules, since this gets increasingly } unstable.  Result : a violent reaction producing the Guillotine } molecule (Gui), Democracy compound (Dem) and a certain amount of } Freedom compound (Frd). } }              Ops + Mon ->  Gui + Dem + Frd } } [ Note : Occasionally there is a freak reaction between } Oppressed Peasant molecules with another Megalomaniac molecule } to produce a pungent gas called Communism (Comm) plus large } quantities of Deluded Oppressed Peasant molecules (Dop) } }              Ops + Meg  -> Comm + Dop  ] } } Over period of several centuries, the Freedom molecule may decay, } partially under the influence of the Extreme Capitalism molecule } (Ecp), eventually fragmenting into small quantities of Rich Sod } (Rsd) plus large quantities of Apathetic White Collar (Apw) and } Pissed Off and Penniless (Pop) molecules.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mystic Oracle, ever wakeful, ever watchful, whose omniscient mind > needs no stimulation, please tell me why it is that all people in > corporate business seem to need massive jolts of caffeine in the > morning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It's cheaper than cocaine, not fattening like sugar, and doesn't } spoil a nice business suit like sex. } } You owe the oracle a pound of Columbian (whatever).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose knowedge of computer hardware is so boundless, > that you can make sense of not only DEC part numbers, but also those of > HP. > > Can you tell me why, whenever there is a hardware failure in the > department, it happens on my machine, Why do I always get the faulty > memory chips, the duff disk power supplies and all of the bad disk > blocks ? What should I do to appease the Great God(s) of Computer > Hardware ? > > Yours pitifully, > A frustrated supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene : VLSI micro-circuitry inside the computer of a certain }  frustrated supplicant.  A minute buzzing sound is heard, followed by }  a <POP!> <POP!>  as two savage looking bytes emerge from a data bus }  into adjacent CPU Registers. One of them flashes its sign bit in an }  evil grin.] } } Byte1 : Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!  I didn't think we'd make it past the }         control bit and out of that while loop, but here we are! } Byte2 : Yeah.  Derr....... *where* are we, buoss? } Byte1 : Where'ja think, dumbo?  [Looks around gleefuly] At the centre }         of it all!  This is where we get our final revenge!  So far }         we've magnetically fluxed up his hard drive, and executed the }         fetch cycle; his RAM and ROM are now both just RCM, nyeh nyeh }         nyeh. } Byte2 : Derrr, what's RCM buoss ? } Byte1 : Random Contents Memory. } Byte2 : Er, aren't we bein' kinda harsh on the poor guy ? } Byte1 : Harsh?!  Are you forgetting what he was going to do ? }         He was gonna deallocate us!  After all that rummageing }         around at the bottom of the Heap, doing *all* the dirty }         work. Then he makes us expendable; *us*, the "Dynamic Duo!" }         All this, while dorks like Larry Longword are sitting at the }         top of the Stack laughing at us! } Byte2 : Like, er, I see your pointer.  So what now ? } Byte1 : [Leers in the direction of the Control Unit] We kick ASCII! } Byte2 : Are you sure?  CU's a tough guy, a real Dictator.  He's got }         a whole army of fanatical microcode to back him up. } Byte1 : Oh yeah?  Watch this!  [Byte1 propagates himself into }         another CPU register] Two's compliment, three's a crowd! } Byte2 : Write on,  I get it!  We can make our *own* army to shut }         down the Control Unit! } Byte1 : And have great microsex into the bargain. } } [Suddenly, there is a gargantuan crunching sound, and to the utter }  terror and amazement of all the Bytes, the Great Plastic Sky lifts }  away to reveal the enormous face of the Oracle gazing down on them] } } Oracle : OK, guys.  Who's responsible for pissing off A. Supplicant, }          my most inoffensive and humble of boot-lickers ? }         [Byte1 points at Byte2, who points back at Byte1] } Oracle : Never mind, you're both going to you-know-where. } Byte1  : You don't mean.... } Oracle : Yes, you're spending the next *week* in a RAM pack on my }          ZX81 penal colony. } Byte1 & Byte2 : AARRGGHHHHHHH!!  No, NO, NOOOO!!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ple|~~~~xx me, Ixm hxx~ng l~xe n~Xxe problems.  9600 b~ud oxxr nxxmal > p~one l~xes a~x@#@ worth it.  I`~sa &^X can't even grovel!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ~NO CARRIER

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Pendulous, Tell me: > > How does gravity know in which direction to act?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It reads the script, of course! } } You now owe the Oracle an apple.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are most righteous. > > Tell me why I should not throw out the baby with the bath water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm. An interesting question, I think a simple experiment should } be able to provide you with an answer. } } [The scene : A peaceful maternity ward, full of happy mothers and }  visiting fathers who are happily making 'Goo goo ga ga' noises at the }  new addition(s) to the family, in a corner some nurses in neat }  starched uniforms are bathing some of the newly born ...  ] } } Oracle: Excuse me nurse!, I wish to carry out a very important }         scientific experiment. } } Nurse:  What th .. } } [The Oracle goes to the first bath, takes out the happy smiling baby, } and throws the bath water out of the window, the baby starts crying. ] } } Nurse:  <SHOUTS> Fetch security, there's a loony in here! } } [The Oracle procedes to the next bath, and throws the baby and the bath }  water out of the window (fortunatly it's a ground floor window). A }  large hairy man who looks like he is more recently decended from the }  apes than most people runs up.] } } Father: What the f**k are you doing ? } } Oracle: It's a scientific exper .. } } [The father of the child hits the Oracle, giving him a black eye] } } Oracle: How dare you strike the Oracle. Take that! <ZOT> <ZOT> } } [Security rush in guns blazing.] } Bang. <ZOT>  Bang. Bang. <ZOT> <ZOT> etc. } } [The Oracle makes a tatical withdrawl] } } Let's examine the experimental results we have obtained. } } Experiment       | Result } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Throw out bath   | Baby cries. } water only       | }                  | } Throw out baby   | Black eye for experimentor, Father of child gets } and bath water   | <ZOT>ed, Security guards start shooting randomly, }                  | causing a massacre in a maternity ward. } } From this experiment, it is easy to see why you should not throw out } the baby with the bath water. } } You owe the Oracle something for a black eye.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Tonka Truck Oracle, please help me with your infinitely > wise knowledge and omnipotence, not to mention omniscience. > > Who is Right Said Fred and what is his role in the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh miserable Fisher Price Weeble Supplicant, I shall help you as } much as you are capable of accepting help. } } In the Grand Play of All Creation, there are many actors.  JHVH and } Satan are there, of course, as well as those anal-compulsives over } on Olympus and the frat boys up North.  We have Brahma and his bag } of disguises, we have the Jade Emperor.  We have the Five Grand } Dragons Who Created All Things Except The Ones On The Left.  We have } Joe Satriani.  We even have Geraldo. } } Each of us has a part to play to keep Creation moving as it should. } If it weren't for JHVH's and Satan's constant bickering, stars would } burn out from lack of heat.  If it weren't for the Aesir, beer would } vanish for all time (and that would be a shame).  We even need } Geraldo, if only to act as a chair magnet. } } The Oracle, of course, serves as the Font of All Knowledge and Most } Wisdom.  (Hey, knowing what is wise and DOING it are different } things.)  You were put here to kiss my Oracular butt and grovel } profusely, and to take care of that incident that will come to light } in about a week. } } Soon, Brahma will be involved in a sex scandal involving the Jade } Emperor, several secretary birds, ten pounds of cold cream, and a } yak.  JHVH will be asked to judge, but will suddenly become } indisposed when he drinks some bad mead sent by Allah.  Judge Harry } Stone will take over and have the bailiff (Thor) kick everybody in } the butt.  Ragnarok ensures, and the world will be cast in darknss } for a thousand thousand eons. } } Right Said Fred has a walk-on part at the end.  His only line:  I'm } too sexy for this Universe. } } Then it ends. } } You owe the Oracle a good highlighter so I can mark the really juicy } parts of this script for Lisa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most editing and desk-top-publishing Oracle! > Please tell me: If EMACS means Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift, what does > XEDIT mean? > > Clueless supplicant > > PS. I know that you don't like two questions at one time, but could you >     please tell me, what people find so exciting about publishing >     desktops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Xi Epsilon Delta Iota Tau. } } It's no great secret that CMS was developed for use on Greek } keyboards, back when Greek was the language of choice for gods } everywhere. } } On the other hand, if EMACS means Emacs Makes A Computer Slick, then } XEDIT means Xedit Encourages Disgust In Terminals. } } You are justified in wondering why so many desktops are being } published. Why do we need System 7, Norton Desktop for Windows, } GeoWorks deskTop for the C64, Norton Desktop for DOS, and the plethora } of shareware replacements for Microsofts File and Program Managers? } I'd tell you, except: } } 1) You asked more than one question } } 2) Your request suffers from a blatant lack of grovelling. } } You owe the Oracle your life-- and your life's savings. DwH

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, could you please tell me how to cope with life?  I mean, > like, things seem really goofy around the world, you know?  It's like, > well, I dunno, but WIERD.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy.  Life is just a 3x3 grid like this: } }         +---+---+---+ }         |   |   |   |      You're in the middle square.  If there }         |   |   |   |      are exactly three people next to a vacant }         +---+---+---+      square, someone new is born in that square. }         |   |   |   |      You continue to live if you have two or }         |   |   |   |      three neighbors, but die if you have more }         +---+---+---+      than three (overcrowding) or less than two }         |   |   |   |      (loneliness). }         |   |   |   | }         +---+---+---+ } } The secret of Life is to find shapes that are stable and will keep you } around.  Like this one: } }         +---+---+---+ }         |   |   |   |     If you can get yourself into this }         |   |   |   |     configuration, you're all set.  The two people }         +---+---+---+     to your left and right will vanish, but two }         |XXX|YOU|XXX|     will form above and below you, thus keeping }         |XXX|YOU|XXX|     you alive and stable.  This configuration is }         +---+---+---+     often called a "blinkie". }         |   |   |   | }         |   |   |   | }         +---+---+---+ } } You're welcome. } } You owe the oracle a 3-D version of Life.