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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the wrong name of god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey, you with the big ears!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man ZOT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT(1)                    USER COMMANDS                     ZOT(1) } } NAME } } <ZOT> - Destroy stupid or unworthy supplicants, political enemies, and }         other undesirables. } } SYNOPSIS } } zot [-] [-V {victim}] [-A] [-S] [-X {spared}] [-R {victim}] } } DESCRIPTION } } Zot is used as a tool of instantaneous agonizing punishment.  It causes } the victim to, for a brief instant, experience the most incredible pain } anyone can imagine and then vanish. } } OPTIONS } } -V indicates the victim of choice.  If -V is not used, the software }       will autoselect and <ZOT> Thor. } } -A indicates Zot All.  This is an emergency measure that will <ZOT> }       everybody within a two-mile radius.  The -A flag has never been }       tested. } } -S causes zot to autoselect the Supplicant.  More about this later. } } -X indicates Except.  Like -A, this flag causes the <ZOT> ing of a }       two-mile radius, but sparing chosen persons.  Unlike -A, -X HAS }       been tested and works perfectly. } } -R indicates the dreaded Recursive <ZOT>  After <ZOT>ing the chosen }       victim, zot then goes after the victim's family, starting with }       siblings, then parents, and ultimately will not stop until 100 }       family members have been <ZOT>ed. } } WARNING } } Zot is a true UNIX abnormality - a one-user command.  The only user } with access privileges high enough to use zot is The Usenet Oracle. } Zot is self-protecting; through an incredibly advanced artificial } intelligence program it identifies and <ZOT>s any would-be hackers who } might try to use this poweful command.  So far, zot has had a perfect } record; the only entity in the known and unknown universes who has ever } wielded the power of the <ZOT> is the Great and Powerful Oracle (tm). } } You owe The Oracle an HP48SX with <ZOT> software and a NeXT interface } cable.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty, Splendid, and Orthographically Impeccable Oracle, this Most > Unworthy Worm begs and answer to the question: > > Why do so many compugeeks mis-spell the word "weird?" > > (A more general form of the question: Why are so many people on USENET > borderline illiterate?  I mean, if they can learn arcane languages like > C, you'd think that English would be trivial in comparison.) > > In humble gratitude, > > S. Upplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is indeed so my humble humble supplicant. Your question indicates } your obvious ignorance on the subjects of computational linguistics } as well as linguistical computation. } Anyone with a background in these fields is aware of the fact that } English is ranked 27th in the list of the world's most complex } languages. First in the list, naturally, is Old Low Norse, a } predecessor of modern German. The language consists mainly of a series } of grunting sounds which sound very much like someone trying to cough } up phlem (that is Old Low Norse and not modern German which sounds } more like a horse passing wind). It was spoken by ancient roving } bands of rapists, arsonists, and thiefs (no relation to anyone in the } US Congress). There are currently only two people in the world that } will admit to being able to speak this language (except for me). } } The simplest language is F which is an extension of C. It has no } vowels or consonants, no keywords, and its character set consists } entirely of whitespace. It is often spoken and written by systems } engineers and was originally used for documenting large C-programs on } UNIX systems. It has however developed into a F-ull scale } language. With the development of F++, overloading of the F-operators } will be possible. This will lead to higly elegant programs. } As an added bonus, programs written in F, do not need to be } encrypted, and the compression rates are astounding. An example } program is given below. } } } } } } Note that the statement in line 3 is not ANSI F compatible and may } not compile on all F compilers. } } The bottom line is that English is much more difficult than C or F. If } this was not so, how do you explain the lack of ANSI compilers for } English. I can however report back from ISO 6.19 Working Group 12 } that the first draft release of pre-release specification for } a strongly-typed form of English with inheritance and polymorphism } should be made available in the next 19 to 27 years. The main } stumbling block at the moment seems to be whether NULL-pointer is } a noun or undefined. } } You owe the Oracle a proof of why a[2] == 2[a] in C

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % -> {}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA!!!!!  It's that wierdo with the pseudocode again!  Get Igor in } here, will you?  Thanks, Babe . . . } } Igor: "Ja, you vanting vords mit me, Boss?  Der chemical experiments }       . . ." } } Orrie: "Forget about your chemical experiments.  I'm tired of amino }       acid life form extensions.  I'm trying to decide what this oaf }       REALLY means by > % -> {}." } } Igor: "Hmm.  Ist obviously ein call vrum der zubconscious.  Der }       'greater than' zignifies der egomanical zelf-zenteredness. Und }       der berzent zign . . } } Orrie: ". . . shows he thinks he's better than a sizeable percent of }       the population!" } } Igor: "JA!! Und der minus zign zhows der psychotic vish to VREMOVE }       der utters!!!" } } Orrie: "Jeeze . . . we're talking big time stuff here!  This is the }       sort of supplicant who might crawl up in a bell tower with an }       Uzi and start taking potshots at people." } } Igor: "Un higly dissturbed personality.  Der brackets indicate der vish }       to enzircle und control der vorld." } } Orrie: "Hmm.  There's something else I just noticed." } } Igor: "I mished zomezing?" } } Orrie: "Der . . . dammit . . . the grovel." } } Igor: "Der grovel?  I zee no grovel." } } Orrie: "That's what I mean.  You know what I think?" } } Igor: "Ja.  For der good uf humanity . . . " } }           >>>>>>   **** ZOT ****     <<<<<<<

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo!  Oracle.   I be-seach yo bad sef to ans-er ma kestion. > > What be MTV? > > Peace.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <RAP MODE: ON:> } } You question the great Oracle but it's plain to see } Your grovelling and syntax need more quality. } You approach the font of wisdom which is most sublime, } And you come before me naked, with not e'en a rhyme. } Be warned, insubstantial one, next time speak as you ought, } Or the Oracle will use you to refine his aim - *ZOT* } } Now onward to the matter much more substantive: } MTV is where all the brain-damaged live; } Where puppies ride on cycles and where humans kiss their guns, } Where music sounds like noise and where the priests turn into nuns. } "Peace" is was you said, but if it's peace you wanna see, } The last place you should look for it is MTV. } It's noisy and it's crazy, it's silly and it's crass, } And for all the money spent it hasn't got much class. } So get yourself on home, and just forget the MTV - } Tune in on the radio - find the symphony! } } <RAP MODE: OFF>  (thanks be to me and all other great beings)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .....with depth and insight, that only you would know, inform my feeble > mind why life is like a shovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people would hand stupid platitudes to you as an answer to this } joke... } } Because you've got to dig for your goal. } Only through effort will you make it work. } } and other drivel.  But I, the one true oracle, will share true } enlightenment upon the, humble supplicant: } } Life is like a shovel because its just a shaft until it gets flat } at the end. } } You now must pay me 19.95$ so I may get myself a new Ron-co } Salad-Shooter (tm). } } the Big O.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel, grovel, grovel for an answer to this question: > > *grovel* > > Is it wrong to consider #2 pencils as food? > > --Anxiously awaiting your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not unless you have dentures, in which case soft #4 pencils may be } better for you.  The wooden shell is full of good fiber and the } center is made of graphite-carbon--what better than carbon for a } carbon-based life form?  The eraser is just a kind of gum, and the } metal ring contains iron.  I usually snack on a few myself while } I work at the terminal here.  Since you tickled my grovel-bone so } nicely, I'll give you a recipe: } }                            CAKE ALA #2 } 6 #4 pencils, chopped and           A handful of multicolored erasers }   marinated overnight in rum.       2 jiggers of rum. } Shavings of 3 #2 pencils.           Your favorite cake mix. } } Follow the directions on the box of your mix, also add the chopped } pencils, 1 jigger rum (to taste).  Bake.  Make the icing, add } remaining rum, top the icing with shavings and erasers to add color. } Note: some like to substitute mechanical pencils for wooden ones, } but nutrition experts say that the wooden pencils are better for } the digestion. } } You owe me a recipe for optic fiber muffins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most postmodern Oracle, > If ignorance is bliss, what is omniscience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's rather boring, to be honest with you.  Knowing everything ahead of } time takes the fun out of life.  You mortal supplicants spend so many } blissful hours anticipating your responses, wondering if they'll make } the Oracularities, and that would all be lost if you knew that this } submission will just barely make the next list, and get a slightly- } above-average score in the voting tally.  See?  If it wasnt for the } Super Bowl this Sunday, you'd have no uncertainty left to look } forward to.  But since you did grovel, at least sort of, I won't } spoil the game for you. } } You owe the Oracle a suprise.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a car is traveling 50 miles per hour and a fly is stuck inside of the > car knowing that a fly cannot travel 50 miles per hour will the fly hit > the back window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is rather an intriguing question, and one whose answer has eluded } mankind for many centuries. It can be generalized to: } }   "If flying insect I is stationed inside moving vehicle V }    of length L and volume Vo, moving at speed S, down a road R }    with N police radar traps, and the fly's maximum speed is Imax, }    what is the velocity Vsplat with which the fly will strike }    the rear windshield?" } } While many scientists Sc have been working on this problem for } Y years, they generally acquire a pissed-off quotient of P and } a frustration factor F, and head off for a few beers B. } } The solution is yielded by Fonebone's Equation, which will be } discovered by Dexter Fonebone in 2124, as you mortals measure } time. Of course, I cannot reveal the Equation for fear of causing } a time paradox. But I *can* tell you that it involves 23 terms, } four integral signs, three summations, and a little squiggly mark } where Fonebone doodled to get the ink flowing in his pen. } } You owe the Oracle a flyswatter and a radar detector.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O concupiscent oracle, please answer a question which has bothered me > all my life.  Does the paper go over the roll or under?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Over.  See, if you hang it under, it's down there under the roll and } you have to spin it around when you need some paper.  If you hang it } over, on the other hand, your cats can get at it and drag it all over } the place and generally have fun with it... and toilet paper is MUCH } cheaper than new furniture, the preferred target of cats who can't get } at toilet paper. } } You owe the Oracle some magazines to read on the john.