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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question. > > Expect an answer in a day or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: an animated version of a basketball court.  A tall, lanky }  figure resembling a certain rabbit appear hunched over a terminal at }  courtside. Suddenly, a <BAMF> occurs and standing behind the rabbit is }  The Oracle.] } }  Oracle: Just what do you think you're doing? } }  BB: Don't give me that.  You're omniscient.  You know exactly what I'm }      doing. } }  O: Fine, be that way.  I'm annoyed at you for stealing my lines. } }  BB: What lines? } }  O: "The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question.  Expect an answer }      in a day or two." } }  BB: That's not your line. } }  O: Is too. } }  BB: Is not. } }  O: Is too. } }  BB: Bet you have nothing better to do at the moment than yell at a }      poor, defenseless bunny rabbit. } }  O: Do not. } }  BB: Do too. } }  O: Do not. } }  BB: Do not. } }  O: Do too. } }  BB: Do not. } }  O: Do too. } }  BB: Do not. } }  O: For the last time, *I DO SO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!* } }  BB: Well, while don't you just go and take care of them, then. } }  O: (confused) Well, uh, ... ok. } }  [In a large <BAMF>, The Oracle disappears.] } }  BB: Ok, Michael, you can come out now. } }  Mr. Jordan: Great. Can we get back to our one-on-one game now? } }  BB: Only if you spot me 10 points like last time. } }  MJ: You're on.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % finger oracle@cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Login name: oracle                      In real life: The Usenet Oracle } Directory: /                            Shell: /bin/osh } On since The Beginning of Time on ttyall } Project: The enlightenment of Nixheads near and far, against impossible }          odds. } Plan: }     To slowly convince these mortals that English (or French, or local } substitute) is a MUCH better means of communication, and supplication, } than csh. And more importantly, much *MUCH* better for grovelling. }     To Zot those supplicants who remain unconvinced. }     You owe the Oracle a finger in return. That index one should do } nicely.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle, > >         Our records show that you are delinquent on your payments for > the Lifesize Lisa Pleasure Doll, Deluxe Model (with all attachments). > You have not payed your monthly fee for 3 payment periods running. > You still owe $8923.34 on the Doll, plus interest. > >         If we do not receive the three months back payment within the > next 72 hours, we will slash your credit rating, and then send our > Collection Man over to take the Doll and anything else in your house > that he takes a liking to.  His name is Guido, and you'll recognize > him by the fact that he has no nose. > >         Thank you for your time. > >                         Sincerely, > >                         Ricky "Fingers" Spazinni >                         Immortal Collection Agency > >                         ("We'll get your money even if the person is >                         dead.")

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn.  You had to expose Me, didn't you ?  Well, it looks the } Oracle will finally have to explain that he isn't the rampant } sex demon everyone thinks He is.  The fact is, I am really a } short geeky looking god with buck teeth and big flappy ears.  I } watch a lot of Star Trek, read Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, } and spend the rest of my time sitting at a terminal reading news } and answering questions from all you highly deluded netters. } I have a four-figure IQ,  but about as much sex appeal as Rick } Moranis with a severe flatulence problem.  Like all nerds, I } specialise in really awful chat up lines which get me flat } refusals every time, for instance: } } Oracle : How much does a Polar Bear weigh ? } Girl   : [looking embarassed at talking to such a dweeb] Er, }          about four hundred pounds ? } Oracle : Well, that's broken the ice!  Can I buy you a drink ? } Girl   : Eek! [walks away quickly] } } So, you see, I purchased a blow-up doll from Spazinni, hoping to } have a successful date at last.  Guess what happens ?  The doll } slaps me and runs away when I try to whisper sweet nothings in } its ear.  It's hardly any wonder I haven't payed, is it ? } Anyway, Spazinni, when I catch the doll I'll dismantle it and } mail it back to you.  By the way, any supplicants out there who } want to swap a thirty-pound brain for a decent looking body, } let me know. } } From the Oracle, a frood who really knows where his towel is. } [ Prolonged inverted-type nerd laughter ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ, >       if recorded in digital form, would fill a DASD farm, >       if carved in stone, would be too heavy for God to lift, >       if inscribed on parchment, would make sheep extinct, >       if printed in individual atoms, would outweigh a pound of lead, >       if written in rainbows, would outshine the Sun, > Wise Oracle, so wise >       that Solomon, despairing, cut himself in half, >       that Einstein, comparing, said wisdom was relative, >       that Freud, analyzing, unconsciously cut it off, >       that Marx, synthesizing, disparaged wisdom as bourgeois, > Ancient Oracle, who once >       taught Alexander to untie knots, >       showed Archimedes how to fill a bathtub, >       helped Pythagoras with his geometry homework, > Knowing Oracle, who knows exactly >       how many grains of sand comprise the beach this instant, >       what a boojum snark looks like, > Great Oracle, whose pedal extremeties, >       if they ever deigned to touch the ground, >               would never land in dog stuff, > > This supplicant, >       whose feet stink like frog farts, >       whose ignorance is so undeserving of your knowledge, >       whose inexperience tries the patience of your anciency, >       whose foolishness is so unworthy of your wisdom, >       and whose IQ is but a cipher to your endless stream of digits, > abases himself in Your presence. > > Were my IQ a drop, Yours would be an Ocean! > If my wisdom were a pebble, Yours would be the Rockies! > My flame is but a candle, Yours the eternal Sun! > All I know worth knowing, is that You know so much more! > Were I to step into Your shoes, they'd still be all but empty! > > <<<< SPEAK, O SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > Yes, Oracle, I speak! > And what a proud day it is for me that such Great and Wondrous Ears > as Yours should hearken to my words; > for I, a mere unworthy humble mortal, merely having the chance to > address such a Being of higher dimension is in and of itself an honor, > leaving aside all the enlightenment that is bound to come from Your > effulgent Answer. > > Yes, Oracle, I have seen what an Answer can mean, > how it can change a life and make it ever after better, > how it can light the way to Truth, and > > <<<< ASK YOUR QUESTION, SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > [My Question. Dare I? No.] > Yes, Oracle, Great Oracle, Wise Oracle, Potent Oracle, > Wealthy Oracle, Splendid Oracle, > > <<<< YOU HAVE GROVELED ENOUGH. >>>> > > [I'm not so sure.] > > <<<< WHAT? >>>> > > I mean, O great Oracle, that You deserve much more, > much more groveling than I can hope > > <<<< ASK THE DAMNED QUESTION!! >>> > > [Oh.] > Great Oracle, the Question that I have to ask, > in hopes it will be kindly met by the Mighty Usenet Oracle, > not meaning in any way to offend or upset You, > in the sincerest quest for sorely needed lore, > > <<<< ASK IT *NOW*! OR ELSE. >>>> > > [Gulp. Okay, here goes nothing:]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will you marry me ? } } [ A moment of deathly silence passes. ] } } <<< WHAT ?! >>> } } Will, you er.. marry me ? } } <<< HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?  OF ALL THE IMPERTINENT ->>> } } [ Oh no. I knew he'd get like this.  I'd better grovel some more] } } Please, O glorious <ZOT>er of film critics, whose farts have the } strength of the north wind, who- } } <<< OH SHUT UP!  EXCESSIVE GROVELING IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN }     NONE AT ALL!  MARRY YOU ?!  BEING OMNISCIENT I ALREADY KNOW }     WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND THAT ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO }     SAY NO. >>> } } But I'd make a great wife! } } <<< CAN YOU DO THE TRIPLE TONGUE LOOP WITH FOLLOW THROUGH ? >>> } } No, what's that ? } } <<< HA!  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW BASIC KARMA SUTRA!  LISTEN, GO AND }     FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE. >>> } } But "I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch } myself...And Nothing Compares; Nothing Compares to You!" } } <<< OH NO, IT'S SERENADING ME NOW!  PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY!! >>> } } I would rather die! } } <<< THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.. >>> } } [sulking] OK, I'll go away now.  What do I owe you ? } } <<< THAT $10,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING YOU PURCHASED WILL }     DO NICELY, THANKYOU.  AND SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT! >>>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Munificent dispenser of wisdom and sense, > > How do I make amends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I usually use paper-mache.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose code always compiles cleanly, I beg of your wisdom:  Why > is it that my code is always neat, readable, documented, > understandable yet completely non-functional, while my co-workers' > code looks like practice for the obfuscated C code contest and runs > like a dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you taken a look at some of their files?  See any with mode 666 } permissions?  Yes, that's right, your co-workers all sold their souls } to The Evil One (no, I don't mean Bill Gates) for the ability to code } like daemons.  They don't understand how they're able to code like } this and they can't explain their code to anyone else, because they } took the easy way out.  They went to the dark side of programming. } Quicker it is, more seductive.  Listen to the Oracle, or suffer your } co-workers' fate you will.  The source will be with you, always. } } You owe the Oracle a legitimate copy of John Lions' 1976 book, "Notes } on the UNIX Operating System".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and sexy Oracle, whose slightest whisper is my every reason > for living.  Please tell me, is President Clinton really on E-Mail, and > if so, has he asked you any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, your president does have an e-mail address } (75300.3115@compuserve.com). And, as a matter of fact, he has asked me } one question, soon after he took office: } } > Oh wise Oracle, who truly belongs on my cabinet, except for the fact } > that you don't quite look like America, please help me.  I've got } > troubles in Somalia and the Balkans, I promised to allow homosexuals } > in the military and am now having problems, my middle-class tax cut } > has disappeared since the deficit is so much higher than before, and } > I have so many other things to worry about too.  The pressure is } > really getting to me.  What should I do? } > -- } > William J. Clinton } > President, United States of America } > 75300.3115@compuserve.com } } I promptly answered: } } } First off, Mr. President, try to remember to remove your .sig block } } before asking me a question.  But anyway, to relieve your stress, why } } don't you try something like what Lisa and I always do.  Put Socks } } out, send Chelsea out to play, go find Hillary and try out a few } } "executive actions", if you know what I mean (and I think you do)... } } } } You owe the Oracle the ambassadorship to the Bahamas. } } For some reason, I haven't got any questions from him since... } } You owe the Oracle a really snazzy tax loophole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, the strength of the greater universe... > > I was raised with a friend my age - and taught our colors at the same > time.  Mother pointed at a ripe macintosh apple and said 'this is > the color RED'.  She pointed at a cucumber and said 'this is GREEN'. > That was the way we learned our colors. > > Now, many years later, i find out my friend is color blind.  How > can one tell, if you learn the color you see is RED, but to others > it may be PURPLE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      This is a question that has been pondered by the ancients for }      ages (and is one of the reasons they became so ancient in the }      the first place).  The answer is not easily found, but never }      fear... there IS a solution...  You and your friend should both }      go out and buy VERY dark glasses so that everything appears }      monochromatic... then you can enjoy the same SHADES without }      worrying about HUE. } } You now owe the Oracle a pair of cheap sunglasses.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  You are so wise with animal behavior, please fill me in on this: > >    How can I keep the mouse on my computer from eating my food whenever >      I leave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This problem is predominant on the Mac computers, where the mice think } that it's a Big Mac and try to eat it.  Many users have come back to } discover half of their computer chewed up, and a desktop mouse that } seems slightly larger than when they left it. } } The solution to this is very easy.  On the underside of the mouse, } you'll find a rubber sphere that is used to determine the position of } the cursor. Simply open up the case, and remove the mouse's balls.  The } mouse will then be very mellow and won't eat your food. } } You owe the Oracle a track-testicle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are obviously the parent of a young child, probably } between the ages of 2 and 4 years old.  Indeed, I have received } numerous queries on child-rearing from supplicants hoping to improve } their skills.  Your child is going through that "WHY" phase, and after } hearing "why" as h[is|er] response to each of your explanations for the } last month, you are climbing the walls.  Asking why is quite natural at } this age; your child has an incredible amount of curiosity about the } world around h[im|er], and has yet to discover the unnerving truth (for } you mortals anyway) that the more you know, the more you realize how } little you know.  The answer to your question "Why ask why?" is } twofold: 1) the child doesn't know how to ask better questions and is } forced to reuse the only question that gets more and more interesting } and empassioned responses from you 2) you give lousy explanations. } } Good luck with your offspring.  Next phase is "what's that," then comes } "how come," then comes sex ed 101. } } You owe the Oracle a more specific question.