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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ________________________________________________________________ } } | } @ }  > } O   Look Bob, I told you you can stick your head into the terminal. } / } ________________________________________________________________ } } || }  O }   >                                                 EEEEEEK!! }  \  Wow, Bob there's the most beautiful wo...       Orrie, Another } /                                                   geek is peeking }                                                     at me. } _________________________________________________________________ } } Jim, are you all right in there!                 It's Okay, Lisa } \\//\                                            I got him. } \\/// /       ZZZZZ     OOO   TTTTT } / + +  /_        Z     O   O    T } |  >   \        Z      O   O    T } / #  \         Z       O   O    T } /    \        ZZZZZ     OOO     T } __________________________________________________________________ } } Jim, If you can hear me pull your head out. JIM...JIM! } }  \|/ }  -o- }  /|\ } __________________________________________________________________ } } > Jim, I'm coming in after you. }     . } __________________________________________________________________

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A nasty looking dwarf is in the room with you! > > He throws a knife at you! > > It hits you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Damn !] } > Restore } COIN ROOM } There is an empty piggy bank here. A stairway } leads up to the north and a very short doorway } is open to the west. } } >inv }  You are carrying: }       A cloak }       40 pennies }       A large box }         A USENET terminal } } >examine box } The box is one meter square and has a wire with a strage plug attached } to one side. The box is empty. } } >wear cloak } You are now wearing a cloak. } } >west } You duck down and manage to squeeze through the short doorway. } DWARF'S HOME } You are in a small hovel. There is an ugly dwarf here wielding a } large and rather wicked looking knife.  For some reason he doesn't } seem to notice you. } } >get dwarf and knife } Taken. } } >put dwarf and knife in box. } Done. } } >plug box into terminal } The terminal begins to hum and the screen comes to life. } } >Read Screen } The screen contains an irreverent question. } } >Type "send to suplicant" } As you enter the words on the keyboard a whirring sound eminates } from the attached box. The lid pops open and you see that the box } is once again empty. From a very great distance you hear the agonized } scream of a suplicant. Welcome to Level 12.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O thou still unravished groom of wisdom - > O great one still and casual as birds - > O nameless one above all - > Please answer the question of this insignificant being: > > I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week. > What advice should I pass on to them from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by } scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole } list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come. } } Feb 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but }               didn't snort too deeply. } } Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet }               position. } } Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose }               American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for }               the Viet Cong. } } Sep 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a }               clean needle. } } Dec 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the }               succession, ahead of the Vice President. } } Apr 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in }               disguise. } } May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propoganda, }               but he didn't understand it. } } Oct 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed }               attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton }               has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers. } } Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from }               Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way, }               buddy." } } Apr 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only }               stabbed once. } } Dec 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to, }               "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked }               Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue. } } Feb 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in }               which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal }               role model, who I will always admire and emulate." } } May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the }               animals involved were all vertebrates. } } Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the }               body was fairly warm. } } Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building }               he torched was of little value. } } Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really }               enjoyed it. } } Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania, }               Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit. } } Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him. } } Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is } 1996          243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never }               proven. } } And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth } terms. } } You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was doing the Schroedinger experiment..you know, the one with the cat > and the particle that may or may not be there, which means the cat will > or will not be alive? > > The first trial, the cat was alive. > The second trial, the cat was alive. > The third trial, the cat was dead. > On each of 413 successive trials, the cat was also dead. > > Am I doing something wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's certainly one way to find out.  I'll repeat the experiment } using your equipment and methods, but since Schrodinger's cat is dead, } we'll need another subject.  Er, would you step into this windowless } room while I get the experiment set up?  Yes, that's right, just sit } down and make yourself comfortable.  I'll shut the door so you won't } be distracted. } } Here we go...at the end of the first trial, the supplicant is as alive } as he's ever been. } } Trial    2:  alive } Trial    3:  alive } Trial    4:  alive } . } . (34 identical results skipped) } . } Trial   39:  alive } Trial   40:  alive } Trial   41:  alive } Trial   42:  dead } Trial   43:  dead } Trial   44:  dead } . } . (8719 identical results skipped) } . } Trial 8764:  dead } Trial 8765:  dead } } I think that's quite enough.  Oh, here's the problem!  The experiment } was running in Newtonian deterministic mode, not in quantum } probabilistic mode.  I guess that's one mistake this supplicant will } never make again. } } Acolyte!  Come over here, take a memo.  Address it to Heaven, Judgment } Division, Reincarnation Section, attention of Saint Francis of Assisi. } Ahem.  "Dear Giovanni, I respectfully request reincarnation of this } soul as a mouse, hamster, gerbil, rat, squirrel or other relatively } defenseless member of the order Rodentia.  Reincarnation within this } order should be iterated for this soul over a minimum of, oh, 200 } years.  The reason for this request is that this soul has been cruel } to Felidae and needs to learn the meaning of the terms `kindness } toward animals' and `food chain'."  Ha, ha, maybe he'll be a squirrel } on some college campus where he'll get fed pizza and explode!  No, } don't write that down!  Where were we?  Yes, "Thanks for the favor, } Joe, I owe you one.  Love, The Usenet Oracle."  Wait, I almost forgot, } "P.S. Lisa is really enjoying that horse you gave her last Christmas. } Who did you say last took care of it on earth, Catherine somebody?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, most great, most tall, he who always cooks his > rice just long enough to make it succulent yet not sticky, he of the > Infintesimally Holy Toe-Jam: > > Is it just my imagination, or is the Net collectively getting > stupider?  Every time I read news, I see more and more posts that are > filled with misspellings, grammatical errors, logical errors, lies, > excessive and pointless self-aggrandizement, and sheer nonsense.  I > see more and more followups to reasonably intelligent posts that > involve single quotes from the original post and an insulting non > sequitur by the follower-up.  I see more and more demands by certain > rude parties that other people stop posting to "their" newsgroup, > because they disagree with the rude party and are thus unfit to live. > I see more and more flames that duplicate in spades whatever the > flaming party is complaining about, whether it be illogicity, poor > spelling and grammar, or belligerence.  I mean, I'm neither Mother > Theresa nor Albert Einstein, but I'm neither am I rude and stupid, and > I don't see why some people consider it a virtue to broadcast their > rudeness and stupidity at top volume.  (Even some of Your incarnations > choose to answer questions with, "I'm busy.  Don't ask me such a dumb > question!")  Is there indeed a worsening trend in all this, or did I > at some point fall into a Kinder and Gentler Warp from which I am just > now emerging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shut up, stupid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotetant and everlastingly carnivorous <Zot>-er, most highly > regarded advise giver and all around good guy Oracle, please, need to > know... I must know... I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW: > > Is there anything at all that you are absolutely forbidden to answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, look, if I told you "no," you'd start asking me absurd questions } in the belief that I'd actually tell you the truth--like, "What is } God's phone number," and all that crap, and soon I'd be spending all my } time making up crap to keep you happy, and then I'd get mad and <zot> } you.  And if I told you "yes," then your next question would be, "What } questions are you forbidden to answer?", and if I didn't answer that } you'd know that that was one of the forbidden questions, and if I told } you what I couldn't answer you'd start asking me those questions, and } then pretty soon in either case you'd be asking impossible questions } all the time, and then sooner or later my circuits would just fail me } and } } PANIC! } Syncing disks . . .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, >    wonderful, >    splendiforous, >    omnipotent (as opposed to impotent), >    beautiful, >    masculine, >    hairy, >    horny, >    living, >    pulsating, >    magestic, >    magenta, >    moving, >    feeling, >    breathing, >    compulsive, >    well hung,                 ORACLE: >    massive, >    mysterious,                        Oh Damn.  Now what was I >    svelte,                    going to ask? >    personable, >    luxurious, >    intelligent, >    misinterpreted, >    superb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % find "improve"+"memory" /databases/books/books.database /index:on } } gnufind v5.29 patchlevel 36 } } ... searching database } ... one entry found } ... listing } } AN 1987780XX.  9105. } ME smith, eric } TI how to improve your memory } PD 1989 } NT ILLUSTRATED. } PR PAP $26.00. 0-685-31023-X. } PB Pantheon. } SC ACTIVE ENTRY (AE). } } ... done } } You owe the oracle a bigger hard disk (preferably raid level 5).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ever wise and gracious Oracle whose spittle while talking is too > godly for me to allow to land on my visage, I ask this one simple > question: > >       Where did the term/phrase core-dump come from and why is it >       so widely used in Unix C compilers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the good old days, when transistors were tubes and wires were also } tubes. In the early days of computers, because of enormously } complicated mechanical and electrical circuitry considerations } (resistors were usually made of tinfoil, inductors were left-over } springs, etc.) enormous amounts of power were drawn by the vastly } inefficient systems.  To supply the growing power requirements, } computer operators moved from coal and steam power to hydraulic power } to nuclear fission; hence the "core."  Also in these days, memory } locations were represented with physical "boxes," (hence the affinity } computer science professors have for the analogy) each box containing a } metal number, usually stolen by first-year graduate students from } people's houses late at night (that's why finding an address house is } so tough in parts of New York, Silicon Valley and Tokyo.)  At this } time, the C precursor D-- was in vogue, and often, because of punchcard } error, programmers would input something to the effect of 5 = 3 or } &beta = &5 or some other such nonsense.  The compiler would treat such } commands as valid, and during run-time the computer would attempt a } physical impossibility, such as jamming two of the metal numbers in the } same box and wedging two numbers together, and end up not only stopping } the works but also warping Euclidean space.  In very bad situtations, } the reactor would overheat, and, in order to avoid meltdown and } subsequent popular condemnation of computers science, automatic systems } would dump the reactor core out the garbage chute for the garbage } collectors, thus avoiding catastrophe.  The term has carried through } the years, like all such things, and now is short for "You dummy! You } did something VERY bad and VERY stupid! You're lucky this system isn't } running off of a reactor anymore!" } } You owe the Oracle an early computer schematic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Were mittens created for people without fingers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  For hundreds of years, scientists have sought the answer to this } question, knowing that it could lead to a greater understanding of the } role winter clothing is meant to play in our lives.  Finally, a team of } specialists organized and led by myself, the great Oracle, has reached } the inescapable conclusion:  mittens are actually glove larvae, waiting } to pass through puberty, at which time they develop the positions for } the fingers. } }  As in human beings, this period of development is a traumatic one, } often accompanied by the development of skin problems, which are often } mistakenly perceived by humans as being permanent flaws (e.g., holes, } worn spots, etc.).  This is *far* from the case: as the mitten matures } into its adult form, it will grow a new skin, which will heal it of } these problems. (A brief experiment to determine the effectiveness of } Clearasil on these skin problems met with inconclusive results. } However, further tests have been scheduled.) } }  It is also interesting to note that a number of people throughout } the years have been falsely accused of losing their mittens as } children. In fact, small mittens mature more quickly than do large } ones, and they thus slip away in the night to take on the new roles } demanded by their maturity.  The use of the "mitten leash" to hold them } back has been found to have a significant retarding effect on their } development: if they are not allowed to develop at a normal rate, } mittens often remain stunted in their growth. } }  You owe the Oracle a new pair of Isotoners.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got a light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, dammit! Jehovah borrowed it a long time ago, } and still hasn't given it back.