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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Is there any way to find out information about the location > of a site.  Given the address, I want to find out specifically how > to know which university runs the system.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, it is very easy. } } 1. First "finger" the site in question to get a list of all users }    currently logged in ("finger" is a particularly good command to }    release frustration too: in my younger days as a student, I would }    often "finger" my teacher while his back was turned... very }    satisfying, but I disgress). } } 2. Repeat step #1 several times over a period of 1 week to get a }    close approximation to the complete list of userids on that site. } } 3. Send an email message to all the users at that site (do not }    forget to add 'root', 'postmaster', 'god' and 'BIFF') containing }    a suitably inflamatory message. Offering anti jewish lesbian black }    women litterature for sale should do it. Be sure to include your }    telephone number in a visible location of the message. } } 4. Now wait. They'll call you. You can then (nicely) ask for the name }    of the university running their system, they should be glad to help }    you. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of arc-welding goggles, I want to enjoy } the show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Omniscient, > > Why is it that when Dan Quayle can't figure out how to spell potato(e), > the national media jump all over him, but when Al Gore doesn't > recognize pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, > nobody says anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give the guy a break.  He's a politician.  He hasn't seen a bill } smaller than a fifty for several years. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of printing plates from the Pennsylvania } mint.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > whose wit can reach the skies, > whose knowledge knows no bounds, > whose voice makes such sweet sounds. > > Recently, when digging in my back garden I came across a very old > stone. It had inscriptions on it in the cuneiform Babylonian alphabet. > I took it to the local museum, and they claim that it is at least > 3500 years old. > > But they have a problem: They could decipher the letters, but not > translate the words, which seem to be in some kind of East Babolynian > dialect. So I though of you, all-knowing Oracle! Surely you can > translate this for us: > >       Maxi waff nu max ruff. Proqoth myn UNIX la. Prowisk ussur >       na Bill Gates hu Windows. Na xymmoshinq luffr. Marish tur >       yumqua lu CTRL/C CTRL/C CTRL/C, an ny ha!! Ruffir! Mar nuxi >       palash :q!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, the runes are part of an ancient language and I will } try to translate it for you. } } "Long time ago, the Great God create a very powerful operating system, }  called Unix. User all over the world used this new thing and were }  happy. Suddenly the evil Babylonian Bill Gates arrived from a puff }  of smoke and spreaded his Windows Versions in the land. After that }  the wise and old mages of Palash were trying to find a way to remove }  the ugly Windows System from the Users' computers. One way to do this }  was the typing of CTRL-C three times and, uh oh, it worked ! }  All users were happy and enjoyed their life again..."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose nostril hairs are all impeccably parallell, please > tell me: > > Where does /usr/spool/news go to when rn tells me > "Can't chdir to directory /usr/spool/news"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for the complement, I use an "ORICOMB", the electric parallel } nose hair comb, I tried one 5 years ago, and I liked it so much I } bought the company (Well, when I say 'bought', I actually <ZOT>'ed the } chairman and took over).  Available *now* for only $49.95 + 5.95 P&P } from "The Great Usenet Oracle (Electrical Appliances Division)". } Batteries not included.  Please allow 28 eons for delivery. } } Now, to your question.  It is obvious that you know nothing about } modern hard disk technology. } } Your system administrator has taken the disk off line, in order to } remove all the old news from the system.  This takes several hours, as } he has to take the disk out of the cabinet, pour the old news down the } drain and wash the remnents off of it with warm soapy water.  Some of } the smutty pictures in alt.binaries.pictures.filth, need scrubbing with } a scourer to remove them.  He will also need to remove the scorch marks } left by flame wars with methylated spirit. } } He will then take the disk to the Usenet feed pipe, turn on the tap, } and carefully fill the disk with new news, put the disk back in the } cabinet and put it on line.  (When you occasionally see the message } "Skipping unavailable article", the is where the admin spilt a couple } of articles, these are probably lying around on the machine room floor } if you want to look for them.) } } You owe the Oracle two pints of articles from } alt.binaries.pictures.filth, (I, erm, like to admire the quality of the } photography and digitisation.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hee hee hee... OK, we're back. Coming up in this half hour, Keifer > Sutherland is here... and of course, Stupid Pet Tricks. Now -- do we > have time for this? > > Huh? Do we -- Oh, OK. > > Ladies and gentlemen, call the kids and wake the neighbors because > we're going to ask the Usenet Oracle a question. Can we have some > Usenet Oracle music, Paul? Thanks... That's our Usenet Oracle theme, > written by Henry Mancini of course. Hee hee hee... Thanks, Paul. > > All right... hah? Do we have time -- Two minutes? All right. > > Oh Almighty Omniscient Oracle, from the home office in Olympus, > Valhalla, I beseech thee -- hee hee, I don't know what that means, I > just like saying the word "beseech." Ha ha! -- I beseech thee to answer > this burning question. > > I'm already jumping to CBS. But should I keep the show in New York, or > move it to Los Angeles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, it's great to be on your show, I don't get on the TV as much as I } should, Can I say hello to Lisa ? Hi Lisa!, Hello mom! } } I'll be back to answer your question, right after this break, don't } touch that dial! } } ==== } Do you have trouble with noisy neighbours ?, well at <ZOT>'s 'R' US, we } have the solution, call us now toll free on 1-800 Z-O-T T-H-E-M, and } we'll quote you a rate for any job, from just a single pensioner, to a } small nation, call us *now* on 1-800 Z-O-T T-H-E-M, and we'll sort them } out! } } Another service from The Great Oracle Services Ltd. } ==== } } Welcome back!, yes I can answer your question, but first I'd like to } talk about a problem, that we all have, I noticed how dull and old } looking your car is, yet it's only 2 years old, you need "Orrie" the } miracle car restorer, to re-create that just-left-the-factory look!, a } snip at only $50, available from The Great Oracle Products Ltd. } } Why is your floor manager making those signs, that drawing the finger } across his throat doesn't look nice, surely you arn't trying to cut off } the great Oracle, just for trying to make a few honest dollars ? } } OK, OK, I'll answer the question, What you should do is ... } } It looks like we're out of time, if you want you're question answered, } you'll have to invite me back next week! } } Have a nice day. } } You owe the Oracle a regular spot on your show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > My question, iridescent Oracle, is this:  Why do you bother to ponder > deeply questions from *other* supplicants, hmmm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Iridescent" -- nice word. I like that word. Not often you get to use } the word "iridescent" in conversation. "The rum daiquiri was } iridescent." "My, Lisa, you look particularily iridescent today." "He } fell through the haunted house and had an iridescent." } } Having inflicted that pun upon you, I shall now be kind and answer your } question. } } Most supplicants' questions, I don't even bother to ponder. I feed them } into the Oraclematic 2000 (thank goodness for modern technology!) which } randomly assembles stolen Hitchhiker's quotes, fragments of UNIX } scripts and Lisa jokes into the answer and sends it back in no time } flat. This is why there aren't so many Oracularities. } } However, if the Oraclematic were to send back an answer pretending to } be the *real* omniscient Usenet Oracle, boy would we be in trouble! The } federal government would be on my back in a nanosecond for violating } product labeling laws and even if you're omnipotent it's no mean feat } dealing with the FTC. So replies from the Oraclematic come out under } the legally required header: } } > The Usenet Oracle, having better things to do, fed your question to } > the Oraclematic 2000. Here is its answer. Please be forewarned that } > the Oraclematic 2000 is neither omniscient nor omnipotent and all } > answers have a margin of error of 86.4%. } } Most supplicants just get answers under this header. In fact, I have to } admit (heh heh) that it's just so EASY to feed questions into the } Oraclematic rather than wasting time answering them myself (time that } could be better spent watching the new Space Cruiser Yamato TV series } or other activities) that, quite frankly, I now send all supplicants' } questions into the machine, and live a life of ease and luxury as the } machine does all the work. } } Well, this isn't quite true. I do personally answer all questions } submitted by ONE particular supplicant. } } And that supplicant is YOU. Yes, YOU, the one reading this answer right } now. You and you alone get personalized quality service from the Usenet } Oracle, easily identified by the Pondering Deeply (tm) header. I spend } nearly ten minutes on some of those questions, so you bet you're } getting quality! } } You owe the Oracle a wave-motion gun, a nominee for Attorney General } and a pair of introspectacles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  one side of the river to the other when you can only take one at a > time, remeber the chicken will eat the feed, and the fox will eat the > chicken if the are left

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The way I heard it was like this: } } You're walking along with a sheep, a cabbage, and a wolf, and you } come to a stream with a small boat tied up on your side of the } bank, and you've got to cross the stream.  The boat, of course, } only has room for two passengers, and you've got some work on your } hands to figure out how to get across.  You can't take the cabbage } across and leave the sheep and the wolf behind, because the wolf } would eat the sheep.  You can't take the wolf across and leave the } sheep and the cabbage behind, because the sheep would eat the } cabbage.  I don't remember for sure how it went after that.  I } think there was something about not taking the sheep across and } leaving the cabbage and the wolf behind because the cabbage and } the wolf would plot against you while your back was turned. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me why some guys are dorky and stupid with no common sense? > tell me why do birds fall in love? > tell me why teachers have assign papers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Set Theory 101 - Assignment } } Q1 : Why are some guys dorky and stupid with no common sense? } }  Given P, the set of all people, there exists a  non-empty subset P }                                                                    m }  of P, such that P ={p:p=male}      [*] }                   m }  There also exists a mapping T:C->D, where C , D are subsets of P } }  with C ^ D  != {} ,    C={c:(c in P) and (c != commonsensical)}, } }      and D={d:(d in P) and (d = dork)} } }  Prove that (C ^ D ^ P ) is a finite subset of P by application of R, }                       m }  and go on to show that dom(R') = {} where R':(PxP)->P } }  with R' is the mapping ((mother)x(father))->(child) where } }  father is in (C ^ D ^ P ), and mother is in P . }                         m                     f } } [*] It is trivial to show that P  v  P  = P, and P  ^  P = {}, }                                 m     f           m     f }  by applying the function R:(PxP)->P inductively to } }  P, where R is the mapping ((mother)x(father))->(child), and } }  mother is in P , father is in P . }                f                m } } Q2 : Why do birds fall in love? } }  Given the set B of all avian life, prove that L is not a null function } }  where L:B->B, by reference to your answer to Q1. } } You owe the Oracle _and_ your teacher the solutions to this assignment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise... > > please tell me how to rid my cat of fleas.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several tried and true methods of de-fleaing one's domestic } feline. You may wish to review the procedures involved and choose the } one that's right for you. } } 1) Flea Shampoo }       Nothing very surprising about this.  A shampoo-chemical mix which }       treats your cat to a bubbly bath while at the same time giving }       his or her fur a coating of a chemical toxic to fleas.  The wash }       in itself should remove all fleas.  If it doesn't, the chemical }       coating will take care of the rest. }       Cost: $19.99 - $49.99 per bottle } } 2) Duct Tape }       For very low cost, you can remove those fleas with relative ease. }       Merely take a stretch of tape approximately the length of your }       cat and attach it lengthwise over the cat's body.  Ensure the }       tape is secure and bonded well.  With a firm grip of the cat's }       tail in one hand and the tape in the other, seperate the two in }       one fluid motion.  All fleas, including those attached to the }       furr, and the fur itself will be removed cleanly from the cat's }       body. }       Cost: $2.99 per roll } } 2) Vaccuum }       A different approach to be sure.  Using your standard hand held }       Dustbuster (or similar model), thoroughly run the device over }       your cat's fur making sure to cover all areas of the body.  If }       fleas persist, you can step up to a common shop-vac or, if still }       not clean, an upright Hoover with a rotating bristle-head and }       carpet lamp should do the trick.  Note that the carpet lamp }       effectively blinds the cat, making him or her an easy target for }       the Hoover. Cost: Free (if you don't own any item above, costs }       can be found in your local Sears catalogue) } } 4) Sand Blasting }       A more radical method which involves staking your cat to the wall }       of a limestone facade, such as a government building or bank. }       When cleaning crews arrive, they will blast all traces of fleas }       from the skin of your cat.  Of course, the skin of your cat will }       also more than likely be gone as well.  Be advised that a pail is }       recommended for taking your cat home in. }       Cost: Free (pockets can be used in place of the pail) } } 5) Sulpher Bath }       Fairly self-explanitory.  Be sure to use earmuffs as the wails of }       your cat may grow to fairly intense ranges.  Heavy work clothes }       and leather gloves are also recommended. }       Cost: (the price of the chemicals and burial fees) } } You owe the Oracle some catnip.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whos ignorance knows no bounds, > > Who is Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } [The supplicant does a double take.] } } S: Who is? } O: Absolutely.  That's her last name. } S: What's her last name? } O: No, what's her middle name. } S: I don't know! } O: Ida know is her mother. } S: I'm not _talking_ about her mother! } O: Well you mentioned her name. } S: Whose name? } O: No, who is Lisa. } S: Hey, I'm asking YOU the questions here! }    Look, let's make this simple.  You know Lisa, right? } O: Yes. } S: You kiss Lisa, right? } O: Of course! } S: Good, then when you're kissing Lisa, you're kissing _whose_ lips? } O: Absolutely!  And her neck, and... } S: WHOSE neck!?!? } O: Yes.  Are you ok? } S: FINE!!!  I'm feeling fine! } O: Good for you!  Lisa's sister has been needing some cuddling lately. } S: Urk... } } [At which point the supplicant passes out.] } } You owe the Oracle a trip to first base.