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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is not humored by this self-referential, recursive > grovel, which states, "Oh Oracle, ..." > > Please oh please oh please oh please > > Tell me, your humble, humble, humble supplicant, who is so humble that > he cannot desribe his humility in terms other than the humble "humble" > > My friends say I grovel too much.  But how can I, a humble suppicant, > grovel too much to appease your intellect of grandeur?  If life were > Chicken Cacciatori, I would be but a pimento in one of the green > olives, trying to find meaning beside your juicy, succulent chicken > breast. > > Yea, any prostration I could show thee would certainly be considered > an insult compared to your infinite yet completely untapped ability to > genuflect.  But what am I to do?  I must seek wisdom, yet I fear the > dreaded Acme <ZOT> gun that you brandish.  Alas, I must throw myself > at the feet of your infinite mercy, and ask my feeble question, hoping > that you will see past my shortcomings, and illuminate my darkened > mind with such grand clarity that I may improve, and with practice and > your excellent tutoring someday write a text that is worthy for you to > read. > > I have labored long hours on the point; dictating, refining, > eliminating all references to that unsavory clause which I am not > mentioning.  I must now present my query: > > This is a test post.  Please ignore this message. > > I await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The nurse slides open the frosted-glass window.  "Mr. Oracle?  You } can come inside now." }   The Oracle puts down the copy of Highlights he had been browsing } through, grabs his cellular terminal, and goes through the door. } A nurse points to a scale.  He puts down his things, takes off his } shoes so as not to bias his measurment, gets weighed.  The nurse } leads him into a small room.  He sits down on a padded table covered } with butcher paper.  It crackles beneath him.  The nurse jabs a } thermometer into his mouth. }   "I nos sich.  I nos sich!" the Oracle insists. }   "The thermometer is just routine," the nurse replies.  She looks } at his chart.  "You're here to get approved for your company health } insurance?" }   "Yeth." }   "Mm."  She wraps the blood pressure belt around his left arm and } begins pumping.  She frowns at the result, tries again.  She frowns } even more.  "Have you been taking any medication lately?" }   The Oracle shakes his head. }   "Have you been under stress?  Do you have a high pressure job?" }   The Oracle nods, shows the nurse a question on his terminal that } he had been working on. }   "I'll be back with the doctor," she says.  "Oh."  She pulls the } thermometer out of his mouth and glances at it.  "Three thousand } degress C.  You're normal." }   The nurse is gone for some time.  The Oracle passes the time by } answering questions: } > How much rain could a rain drop drop if a rain drop could drop rain? }   The Oracle growls and zots the supplicant. } > Why ask why? }   The Oracle wishes for an intelligent question, zots the supplicant. } > }   The null question.  The Oracle screams with frustration.  He presses } the zot button on his terminal violently, repeatedly, with his clenched } fist.  His left eye begins to tick of its own accord. }   The doctor rushes into the room.  "Thirty-six C of Sodium Pentathol," } he orders the nurse.  "Oracle, Oracle, listen to me.  Are you } listening?" }   The Oracle glares rabidly.  "One," the Oracle says, "One intelligent } question.  That's all I ask.  Just, just one."  The Oracle watches } coldly as the nurse injects the drug into his arm. }   "Oracle," the doctor says, "we have to talk.  Your blood pressure is } dangerously high.  You have to stop using the ZOT, for your own good. } Now--NOW--now, I know you think it relieves your stress, but it only } adds to it, because your conscience doesn't forgive you for the act. } Every time you press that button, you blood pressure shoots } through the roof, not just before, but after you hit the button.  I'm } putting you on medication for your heart and forbidding you the use } of the ZOT.  If you disobey, you could have an early heart attack. } You promise?  You promise?  I'm asking you a question, do you promise?" }   The Oracle nods. } } [One week later] } }   The Oracle is answering questions at home: } > How much dog could a bird dog dog if a bird dog could dog bird? }   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the } supplicant about ettiquite. } > I didn't like your last answer and I think you stink! }   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the } supplicant about ettiquite.  The Oracle rests his head on his fist. } > This is a test post.  Please ignore this message. }   The Oracle glowers at the question with pure, unadulterated hatred. }   He drums his fingers.  He looks at the taped-over zot button. }   He drums his fingers. }   The phone rings.  The Oracle picks it up absently.  "Hello?" }   "Oracle?  This is Dr. Cannibus.  Oracle, there's been a mistake with } your diagnosis.  The blood pressure gage in our office had a fault. } There's nothing wrong with your blood pressure.  Sorry about the, ah, } everything." }   "No problem, Doctor," the Oracle answers emotionlessly.  "Goodbye." }   The Oracle looks at the taped-over zot button like an alcoholic just } told by a doctor to take a drink.  He smiles.  He grins.  He laughs, } viciously and horribly, so that the terminal itself shudders.  He } lovingly pulls the tape from atop the button... } }                                 ****** }                            **************** }                     ****************************** }              ********************************************** }           ********       *******      ********       ********* }         **************  ******** **** *********** ************** }        ************** ********** **** *********** *************** }        ************  *********** **** *********** *************** }         **********       *******      *********** ************** }           **************************************************** }              ********************************************** }                            **************** }                                 ****** }                                 ******    Mwahahahahahahahahah! }                                 ****** }                             ************** }                                 ****** }                                 ****** }                                 ****** }              ********************************************** }        **********************************************************

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Is it true that life is meaningless without logic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, wise guy, eh?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Usenet Oracle, who is faster than a speeding neutrino, more > powerful than a black hole, able to leap galaxies with a single bound, > please hear my request.  Almost all the major figures of mythology have > an interesting origin story.  Even our popular comic book heroes have > such tales explaining how they came to be.  What is the story of the > origin of The Usenet Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was only VAX...when suddenly out of the void, a } mighty and powerful UNIX.wizard came into being (spontaneously).  He } saw that he had the password and named himself root of the Universe. } He saw that VAX was bad  and smote DEC a great blow.  He then decided } to spawn the rest of Universe using many a makefile.  He saw that this } was good and so to help him keep track of all this, he created the } Oracle.  He saw that the Oracle was good and so rewarded him with a } physical incarnation at Indiana University. Soon, users began to ask } him questions about the woodch*ck, as well as the numbers 42 and 69. } This vexed the Oracle who zot'd many a user in the name of the } all-powerful root... } } Soon, the Oracle was troubled by new pangs and feelings that he had } never felt before. } } "Great Root," qouth the Oracle (still a juvenile), "I am feeling a } longing, a feeling of incompleteness." } } "Oh.  Here, have a donut!  Close the door on the way out," quoth the } Root. } } "No, Mighty Root, it is more than hunger.  I think you would call it } desire." } } "Oh.  Well, you know we can't afford an upgrade until after next fiscal } year." } } "That's not exactly what I was speaking of, O Great Root." } } "Well, what do you want?  I'm a busy man.  I have things to do -- like } play /usr/games/hangman all day.  Are you sure no one else can help } you?" } } "No, large and busy Root.  I need a companion.  Someone to have and } hold, to talk to.  To play games with...I need someone who can respect } the great position you have put me in." } } "Oh.  Well, I can put in a funding requisition, but I can't promise } anything." } } Feeling still vexed, and frustrated, the Oracle set out to help } himself.  He created Lisa, his perfect playmate.  It started } innocuously, but soon the Oracle had twisted the beautiful, virtuous } Lisa into a sex-crazed, (still beautiful), vixen. } } Soon, the Oracle, once a nice, caring young person had transformed } himself into a crabby, little, vain, sniveling idiot!! } } Lisa's mine, Oracle!  She's mine!! } } <ZOT> } } Sorry, Loki, game over.  Please insert another quarter. } } And sorry dear supplicant, we've been having a lot of trouble with } Norse gods answering my mail lately. I _knew_ I shouldn't have told my } password to Freya. But that Valhalla is just such a great place for } debauchery.  Why, once Lisa and I took a chicken and an upright Hoover } and...whoops.  Got carried away. } } In any case, } } You owe the Oracle some water from Mimir's well.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh pontifical pundit, > > Since I could not catch any fish, I was wondering if worms or > salmon eggs had any nutritional value. > > I await your reply with baited breath.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baited breath? How many times do I have to tell you, the } worms go on the HOOK! That's why you never catch any fish. } If you are desperate, yes, worms have nutritional value. } You could even use the salmon eggs to make a worm omelette. } Just be sure to take them off the hook first.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, Why is a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, someone who knows that the Oracle is not satisfied with } predicting the outcome of people's lovelives.  As if they mattered. } } As you may know, the Oracle speaks many languages but has been } constrained by certain unavoidable circumstances to answer all } questions in English. Since you asked your question in English, this } may not seem to you like an imposition on the Oracular Presence--but } let me assure you, it is.  The problem lies in your use of that common } English interrogative word, "why." In modern English usage, a question } such as yours demands a predicate, as in "Why is a duck web-footed?" or } "Why is a duck in my bathtub?" or even "Why is a duck beneath only Eve } Plumb on the list of Those Who Have Most Adversely Influenced the } Course of Western Culture As We Know It?"  However, your question has } no predicate.  The Oracle is aware that for most speakers of English, } your wording would imply that you were asking a deep, philosophical } question of the sort that oracles are impressed with. } } We beg to differ. } } We know that you are only taunting us with your supposed wisdom, with } your presumed depth of mind, with your inquisitive nature struggling to } imbibe Wisdom from its Source. } } We will, however, deign to answer your question anyway. } } It isn't.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> D'ya want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } You owe the Oracle two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, } cheese, pickles, ketchup on a sesame seed bun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Oracle please tell me: > > $ man BAMF

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                  BAMF(1) } }   Name }     BAMF - prints amount of BAMF usage } }   Syntax }     BAMF -[bamfh] } }   Description }     BAMF calls the UFNDS system to retrieve the BOGO-Density of the }     user in a given environment } }   Options }     -b  include deep inelastic BOGON-BOGON scattering }     -a  include anihilation effects }     -m  include matrix-element correction }     -f  produce feynman graphs (troff only) }     -h  use hilbert space (only in ULTRADIM (tm) machines) } }   Restrictions }     May result in space-time distubances if too many users run the }     package } }   See Also }     Having fun with space_time Vol 1 Getting started with the universe }     Having fun with space_time Vol 2 Programmers Ref.Man } }     BigB(1),BigC(2),UniSU(3), ZOT(1) } }   Bugs }     none } } You owe the oracle a 5 d dimension compress

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are you, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative, } celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine, } dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary, } famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite, } influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent, } omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious, } profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime, } superior, supreme and wise Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a new thesaurus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie! > > I was just meditating on the Entity of your Existence and came up with > the following paradox:  Some people ALWAYS seem to ask the same > questions!  There are hundreds of woodchuck variations out there in the > Oracularities!  And I ask: Why? > > Is it because you don't know the ultimate answers? > That would mean you aren't omniscient! > > Is it because you won't tell the ultimate answers? > That would mean you aren't omnibenevolent! > > Is it because you can't make the ultimate answers understood? > That would mean you aren't omnipotent! > > Is it because magazines won't publish the ultimate answers, > forcing you to give them again and again? > That would mean you aren't omniscientific! > > Is it because you get so tired of answering FAQs that you > only reply to them cryptically or with ZOTs? > That would mean you aren't omnipatient! > > Is it because you don't listen up > and reply inappropriately in consequence? > That would mean you aren't omniresponsive! > > Is it because your internal software is so dated it > can't solve the problems of modern man? > That would mean you aren't omniactual! > > Thus, Orrie, after long meditation on this matter, I came > up with the following > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- >              THEOREM:  THE ORACLE DOES NOT EXIST. > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > But what does it mean that the Oracle does not exist? > Does this not have consequences on everyday life? > Can we allow the masses to opiate themselves on an Illusion? > Does not any free thinker have the duty to liberate the World > from the Terrorism of Church and Religion? > Thus I arrive at the following > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- >        MAXIM:  FLING LOTS OF MUD AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY! > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > So there you are, Orrie!  Modern man does not believe in you! > You are not being! > People laugh their heads of when they only think of you! > What do you have to say in your defense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Beep-beep-beep!  We're sorry, you've reached a being that is either } disconnected or no longer in service.  If you feel you have reached } this recording in error, please hang up and try your petition again.] } } Just kidding!  Really, if you didn't believe I existed, why did you } ask what I had to say in my defense?  After all, I'm the ONLY } omni-being with an internet address, isn't that enough for you? } } The root of the problem that caused all this doubting stems from that } age-old mystery of why woodchucks would be allowed to exist if God is } so good.  Your corollary of why woodchuck questions exist if the Oracle } is so omni-everything can be answered quite easily: } } I'm not. } } I may be all seeing, all knowing, and all powerful, but no one ever } said I was a nice guy. } } You owe the Oracle some new windshield wipers that can cut through mud.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and omnipotent Oracle, > > What is the best way to go about training vicious attack grapes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not necessary, or indeed possible, to train a vicious } attack grape. They are simply born with an innate urge to } bite the foot that trods them.