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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ooops, that should have read 'askme', not 'tellme'. > ^H ^H ^H <DEL> <BACKSPACE> ..Yer turkey.. > > ^Z^Z

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooops, that should have read 'Not to worry,' not 'Zot to worry.' } If I'd been running on the old (slow) cpu, I'd have had time to } interrupt the job, but, hey, that's progress...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Tell me oh great and wonderous being: > >      What is the use of the material that is found in my navel each > moning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Save it!  Save your bellybutton fluff, Mortal.  Bellybutton lint is } a prized commodity.  Clothing made of bellybutton fluff is worn by } Kings!  Throughout History, it was a Truely fortunate Princess that } had even the merest garmet of bellybutton fluff as a dowery.  A } small cap of bellybutton fluff is a fortune.  A shirt is a duchy. } A coat is worth a nation. } } You are fortunate, Mortal.  Few have the power to produce this } fine material.  As it grows, Mortal, pluck it gingerly from your } navel and save it somewhere safe.  Protect it from those you would } steal it, and those, such as moths, who would eat it.  Most } importantly, protect it from contamination by alien substances such as } pocket fluff. Pocket fluff reduces the value of bellybutton fluff to } nothing.  After some time, you will amass enough of this fine wool to } begin work on the garmet of your choice.  You will need to spin the } fibers into a thread. Weave the thread into a cloth.  Craft the cloth } into a garmet of beauty.  This garmet of bellybutton fluff shall make } you rich and bring you fame. } } Beware Mortal!  This gift you possess to produce this valued fiber } can also bring great pain.  Those who have power will try to capture } you and force you to produce the precious fluff for THEM!  You are } a valued commodity, Mortal.  Beware. } } You owe the Oracle a Designer Bellybutton fluff Toga.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one tell me if I were to grovel more where would it get me in > life? If I were to fill your every pleasure would it please you?  If I > were to tell you that I beg of no one would you care?  This I ask of > you.  And what do you call what a pig is doing when it is in a plane, > stupid.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello ?   Did you *hear* me ?! } } -Just a moment, Sir, you've called the wrong department.  I'll put } -you through to customer services. } } No, no, I don't want to speak to another secretary, dammit, I want } to give that stuck up twerp you call the Oracle a piece of my mind. } } Hello ? } } [ 30 second pause while the supplicant fumes ] } } -Customer services, how may I help you ? } } Put me through to the Oracle. } } -The Oracle is busy right now.  How may I help you ? } } I have a complaint to make about groveling, and it's personal. } } -Sorry Sir, you want our grovel department.  I'll put you through } } I DON"T WANT THE ****ING GROVEL DEPARTMENT! } } -Hello, grovel department.  How may I help you ? } } Oh, I give up. } Alright, listen up.  I want you to tell the Oracle I beg to no one, } I am no one's inferior, and he's an overblown prick.  Got that ? } } -Sorry Sir, it appears you want the insult-the-Oracle department, } -I'll put you through. } } AAAARGGGHHHH!!! } } -Hello.  Insult-the-Oracle department. } } [The supplicant reels off the longest stream of obscene language ever }  to be heard on earth ]  Tell  him  that! } } -Finished ? } } Yes. } } -Good.  <ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!> } } -You see I receive all complaints of this nature personally.  And } -take them personally too.  Have a nice day!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle whose auspicishshshshes intellect I have not > hailed for a long time, but who I must consult as our news > feed is full, tell me this > > What must I do to relieve my boredom. > > Spon > ^X

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear befuddled Supplicant, your spelling of "auspicishshshshes" makes } me suspect you are already trying to relieve your  boredom in your own } inimitable way.  In fact . . . phew!  . . . I can smell the fumes from } here.  Use some air freshener, would you? } } Now then!  Find a piece of paper -- a couple of inches square will do } -- and a pen,  pencil, or felt tip.  I'll wait . . . *tum*  *ti-tum* } *ti-tum* . . . Got it? } } Good! } } On one side of the paper, carefully  write these words: } }                       How to relieve boredom }                       (Read other side of paper) } } Done that?  Good!  My, you ARE a quick one! } Now, turn the paper over, and on the blank side of the paper } carefully write these words: } }                       How to relieve boredom }                       (Read other side of paper) } } Put your writing implement down.  Take several deep slow breaths.  Now, } just follow the instructions on the paper.  Get back to me when you've } finished. } } You owe the Oracle some of whatever you were using when you spelled } "auspicishshshshes."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Earday Oracleay, osay omniscientay anday omnipotentay, > >   Iay avehay eenbay earninglay atinlay oughthray aay > orrespondencecay oursecay orfay ethay astpay everalsay > onthsmay.  Ou'dyay ebay urprisedsay atay owhay eapchay > omesay ofay esethay oursescay areay.  Owhay oday ouyay > inkthay ethay essonslay areay oinggay? > >   Anksthay orfay ouryay imetay. > >                 Ouryay aithfulfay upplicantsay, > >                                     Omtay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hinktay our'eay eingbay ippedray ffoay.  ryTay a egularray } extbooktay. oodGay igpay atinlay.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                        Gee Whiz Technologies >                                        6549 Gee Whiz Blvd >                                        Reston, Virginia 22091 > >                                        19 February, 1993 > > The Usenet Oracle > University of Indiana > Indiana, USA > > Dear Sir: > >      I am president of Gee Whiz Technologies.  We specialize in > developing extremely cool computer applications.  Of course you already > knew this being omniscient.  As you also know, some of our recent > successes have been the navigation system for the space shuttle, a "war > games" simulator for the Department of Defense, the so-called smart > house, and of course, are the technical lead on SDI.  We are interested > in striking a deal with you, Mr. Oracle. > >      As you are a resident of Indianna, and presumably a US citizen, > we at Gee Whiz Technologies (GWT) wish to appeal to your sense of > country. Being the technical lead on SDI, we are much interested in > your ZOT power.  In fact, we are so interested, we are willing to pay > out the nose for it.  We desire source code, naturally.  We plan to > implement the ZOT power into satellites, war planes, guns, and > children's toys. There is a great market for such commodities.  Name > your price, Mr. Oracle, and we will match it.  We even will agree to > provide you with free updates.  Do your country a favor, Mr. Oracle -- > donate ZOT to the SDI program. > >      I hope that you find our offer appealing.  Should you be > interested in discussing contractual terms please contact me at the > above address. > >                                    Sincerely, > >                                    Charles Alan Nerdowitz >                                    President, Gee Whiz Technologies

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Charles Alan Nerdowitz } President, Gee Whiz Technologies } 6549 Gee Whiz Blvd } Reston, Virginia 22091 } } Dear Mr. Nerdowitz, } } I am surprised you decided to write to me and make that cheap appeal to } my patriotism, when you must know that I am aware 78% of  Gee Whiz } Technologies is owned and controlled by foreign interests. } } In fact, having glanced over the Gee Whiz Annual Report (which will be } written in four months -- remember I'm omniscient) I have uncovered } some fiscal discrepancies that had not yet come to my attention. } } I have taken the liberty of advising the U.S. Attorney General to } carefully scrutinize the Gee Whiz Technologies holdings in Iraq, Cuba, } China, and Afghanistan. } } In closing, I would like to say that any further attempts by GWT to } utilize the <ZOT> technology will be met with a rigorous response and } actions for patent infringement. } } Sincerely yours, } Usenet Oracle } moose.cs.indiana.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is so smart that he makes mensa look like a group > of morons, tell me what happened to that really good question I had > to ask you, but just seemed to slip my mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't you check your pockets this morning? } } The question _was_ there......it fell out when you pulled } some change out for the coffee truck, and got run over shortly } thereafter by the truck, an Acura, a Chevy Nova and a Ford Aerostar. } } It was pretty chewed up by then, but a sharp-eyed woman named } Clarissa saw the question and picked it up without reading it. } She stuck the question in her pocket and proceeded to her desk. } } Later that morning....... } } Clarissa realized that she still had the question and finally pulled } it out and read it.  She had a difficult time reading through the } treadmarks, but did make out just about all of it except the bit just } before "could chuck wood".  There appeared to be a bit of repetition } in there, but she could not be sure.  Being a biologist specializing } in rodentia, she theorized that the answer was probably } }       W(c) =  w * 2 }               ----- }                 pi } } where W(c) is the amount chucked, in cords (as opposed to denim) } and  w is the weight of the woodchuck, in kg. } } However, since she wasn't bored enough to test her theory, she used } the question as a coaster for her coffee and discarded it later that } day. } } You owe the Oracle an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most almighty Oracle, whose talents in all languages excel >   natives... > > Pourquoi ne reponds-tu jamais a mes questions ecrites en >   Francais?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Porque, no lo QUIERES francois!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who art so wise ... > > Just how much is "a little bit"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, a "little" bit is, of course, smaller than a normal bit. } And, since a bit is a binary digit, then obviously, the only smaller } thing is a unary digit.  More properly called a "unit", but often } refered to by laymen as "a little bit"...  Of course, it is a pretty } useless thing, since it is always set to 0, and can have no other } value... } } You owe the Oracle a nybble, a byte, and an unsigned long int...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh, wonderful Oracle, smarter than the average bear, > whoes virtual shoes I am not even worthy to lick... > > A subject which has been a lot on my mind in recent times, is why > are fish smarter than dogs?!?. I mean, this has always been a known > fact throughout history, but given the considerations of some of the > worlds greatest thinkers (ie Satre, Descartes, etc...) who claim that > neither are the smartest and the title of 'most smart animal' should > instead be given to a small green patch of mucus living on the belly > of the south american 'wrindelwoodlegyx'. The 'wrindlewoodlegyx' is > little known to the outside world, but I am informed that the locals > think highly of the jelly that can be made by twisting its beak...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sartre, schmartre, what does *he* know about these things?! } } The Oracle could make a pun about fish traveling in schools, but we } omniscient beings are above such low forms of humor.  The answer to } your question is that fish are clearly smarter than dogs.  For } example, they are much better at playing dead, which results in them } being flushed down the toilet to... FREEDOM!!!  The Oracle's dog, on } the other hand, is adept only at tail wagging and soiling the rug. } } You owe the Oracle one pair of virtual Birkenstocks.