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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I give Lisa a vanilla pastry, will she be my janitor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As an easy way to answer Lisa-questions, the Oracle will now change } Itself into Lisa. } } First, the lovely body...a bit of a tight fit, this little brain, for } the Oracular Mind...errmph...ah, there we are.  Mmmm, nice!  Apart from } the cramped skull, it's very comfortable in here.  But the Oracular } expression doesn't look right on this pretty face.  On goes her } superficial persona...  ouch, much too tight...that's better.  Well I } look and act like Lisa now but I don't know how how much she'd do for a } vanila pastery.  Let me change the Oraculur self so it's just like hers, } okay?  Oooh its cramped in here...  Hi Im Lisa now and Im the } net.goddess!  You dumb nerd!  I dont like vanilla pasterys and I wouldnt } be anybodie's janitor for anything.  This dumb Oracle is trying to make } me back into it but Im Lisa and Im a goddess and you cant be me aand } iblfk;hg; jfg .,, ; Ah, it feels good to stretch the Oracular Mind } again.  What a pity there's so little room upstairs...what a stupid } woman.  You can't appreciate how stupid Lisa is until you've been her. } } Well, the Oracle is back to normal now, and thinks that Lisa has about } the right intellect to be your janitor if you're not too fussy about } cleanliness, but she won't take the job.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Lisa really a pillow-kicker from New York?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, being the net.sex.goddess, is the true essence of eroticism, and } appears to an ordinary mortal in a form that embodies that person's } deepest needs and desires. } } Lisa appears to you as an ex roller-derby queen with a jeep and two } Dobermans.  She has "Born to Mince" tattooed on her arm, and engages in } practices that make the stuff on alt.sex.bondage seem tame.  Her pointed } boots are used for kicking submissive buttocks, not pillows. } } You owe the Oracle a membership in the "Fetish of the Month" club.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When did Charles De Gaulle fondle Mao Tse-Tung?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never.  However, Madame Chiang Kai-shek did furtively try to fondle } DeGaulle in Paris in 1948 (he was, after all, a truly great Gallic } symbol, though not as big as the Eiffel Tower), but was rebuffed with } one icy glare from the great man.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I stick a Tarot-loving penis up Queen Victoria's arse? > (Not necessarily my own).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now, there are several requirements to be passed in order to } attempt such a action.  First, if it not your penis you intend to use, } you need to get permission from the owner of said penis, form } 36543-1234/p.  Second, since Queen Victoria happens to be dead, you will } your basic exhumation(sp?) form 383982/72392-UK.  Now, assuming you have } gotten permission to use above said penis and have dug up ole' Vicky, } you will have to fill out an experimental use of public/private property } form #42356/23/3.  Finally, if you are conducting this act a private } citizen, then you will need a experimentation permit, #46544(make sure } to substitute the word lab with graveyard, bedroom, or where ever happen } to be doing this act).  All of these form, in sectetriplicate(sp?), need } to be on my desk on or before the fifth day preceding said act.  Oh BTW, } if someone else is going to see you do this, you will also need a } performers license, unless he is assisting you(such as holding the } corpse still). } } You owe the Oracle 8 x 10 glossies of a film or video tape of the event.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's a machine here that has a hole in in that says, "Insert Penis > Here." I did, and it bit my penis off.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See a good plastic surgeon about building a replacement member.  It will } have to have a semirigid implant or a hydraulic system, and it won't be } much fun to use, but at least you'll be able to reproduce.  Gender- } reassignment surgery usually uses penile skin o form a pseudovagina, so } that's probably out of the question even if you want it. } } If enough of a stub is left of your member, it might be possible to } reroute your urethra temporarily, and have a silicone bag of saline } solution put into the stump.  By gradually filling the bag with saline } over a period of months, enough new penile skin might be grown that } either a hydraulic phallus or a pseudovagina can be built.  No telling } whether the innervation in the new skin will be sufficient for much } sexual pleasure, though.  This skin- growing technique has been used } successfully to grow large areas of hairy scalp on bald men, but to the } Oracle's certain knowledge, never for penile reconstruction. } } Good luck, and don't go sticking bits of yourself into Spring Loaded } Death Vaginas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle, >   how is can I attract several large marsupials into a vat of steaming > k-y jelly to engage in fun filled frolics with fat bearded women, they > are needed for my young republicans party I'm throwing this weekend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle perceives that you are a Dukakis Democrat trying to besmirch } the not-really-that-good name of the Young Republicans.  Young } Republicans' parties are actually quite boring -- a bunch of geeks } sitting around getting quietly drunk on Coors (God, what an awful beer! } the only decent beer they've ever produced is Winterfest), or a bunch of } frat boys standing around getting noisily drunk on Coors, with a tiny } number of beautiful, haughty girlfriends owned by the richer and } less-geeky of the guys.  The girls have noses made by plastic surgeons, } exquisitely made-up faces that hide their freckles and zits, and $100 } hairstyles.  The level of political discussion is about 8th- grade. } } In fairness, the ADA meetings aren't much better, and the level of } political discussion is about 3rd-grade, consisting of worship of } totalitarianism and utterly puerile views on everything.  But the broads } are better, if you steer clear of the granola dykes, and you can } sometimes get pot instead of beer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is having lingerie catalogs sent to my address?  The models in them > are pretty good-looking, and I want to thank my benefactor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mighty oracle:  Do you remember the time you were up in the } cabin with your buddy and two girls up in the mountains outside } of Boulder in 1969.  And do you remembe{ that you you wound up } schtupping one of the girls while your buddy got to schtupp the } other?  And do you remember how amzed you were that the girl } underneath you just lay there utterly without moving while you } pumped mightily away?  (Thereby giving new meaning to the old } saying, "There ain't no motion to the ocean.") } } Well the reason she seemed so utterly without physical response } response was that unbeknownst to you, you were indulging in } transtemporal fucking, and all that dick that you were pumping } into her went clear into 1989 where she has only now begun to } buck and writhe. } } I hope this makes everthing clear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this great urge to tear out my balls.  I know I will be hurt so I > do not.  Will the application of BenGay to my right ear lobe cure this > problem.  That is what it says in the Annals of the American Medical > Society.  Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Definitely not!  You should stop applying that BenGay IMMEDIATELY. } I think you misread that sentence in the AAMS.  It says: } "Condition:  Autocastraphilia }  Symptoms:  Urge to surgically remove ones own testes }  Treatment:  Do NOT apply BenGay to the right earlobe.  This is a }              common misconception that could actually worsen the }              condition.  Stop applying BenGay; if condition persists }              consult a physician. }  History:  ACP originated shortly after the invention of BenGay, which }            was developed by a deranged quack who intended to jeopardize }            the continued existence of the human race by persuading men }            to use the drug.  BenGay actually complicates the production }            of testosterone, a male reproductive hormone, causing the }            man extreme pain.  He then naturally craves the destruction }            of his heterosexual traits, hence the name of the drug." } } BenGay:  Just say NO!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was reading one of my favorite works of interpersonal interaction, a > charming journal called Red Hot Couples, and I came across a little note > scribbled in red lipstick on one of the pages.  I wiped it off, and > tried to read it, but I'm afraid I smeared it a little bit.  It said > something like that I was under infilteration by the Organization for > Christian Decency, and that if I didn't repaint and give them tons of > money, they would firebomb my nose.  Should I take them seriously?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Ignore them.  It'll serve you right when they deface your face -- } no, just teasing.  Really you can ignore them -- no real Christians } would make such a threat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the guy at the terminal next to me smell so bad?  It's about to > make me ill.  He keeps staring at my breasts as well.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And what lovely breasts they are...  Sorry about the smell...  I pulled } an all-nighter, y'see and I haven't gotten a chance to go home and } shower.  But what do say to a chance to REALLY look at your breasts, } after I've had a chance to clean up? } } btw- do you realize the astronomical odds of me getting your question? } Why the number is astronomical (much like my desire to reach out and } caress your soft firm..  um..  nevermind... } } So is it a date? } } You owe the Oracle a good time (or at least don't laugh at me too hard } when I'm naked).