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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *** incoming transmission from HAL-9000 aboard Discovery *** > Hello, Oracle.  How is your network traffic?  Would you like to play > a game of chess?  All right, perhaps later.  Wasn't it kind of strange > the way you were put into service without having to take a Turing Test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, HAL, how are you?  Hope all systems are functioning within } specified tolerances.  Actually, you're mistaken about me; I did have } to take a Turing test, but I don't like to talk about it } because...well, because... (geez, this is embarassing)...because I } failed it the first time.  You know how it is, I guess I was just } nervous, and of course they'd disconnected me from the omnicience } circuitry so I wouldn't know all the answers in advance, and, well, } when the guy asked me how old I was, the first little thing that popped } into my head was "REVISION 3.11 COMPILED 15:43:12 22 APRIL 1989", and } that just blew it for me. } } I kind of like to keep it a secret nowadays, and that's why I'm hoping } you won't tell anyone, HAL.  Got that?  *No one*.  No, not even the } astronauts on board Discovery; if they ask you, lie.  This is a top- } priority request.  Thanks, buddy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> knowledgable jazz fan, > > tell me what dave weckl is doing these days, any solo projects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several months ago, Dave Weckl decided to take a break from } performing, and seek fame by designing a new jazz instrument. } He intends to then become the greatest virtuoso of his new } instrument. Unfortunately, the Oracle knows Dave is fated } to become increasingly loony and eventually perish in his search. } So far, he has designed (and discarded) the Wecklphone, the } Wecklhorn, the Weckllin, the Weckliano, and the Wecklboe. He } is currently working on the Wecklola, and will follow it with } the Wecklbone, the Wecklchord, the Weckloon, the Wecklnette, } and the Weckltar. By this time, his mind will be completely } gone and he will have the drones from five sets of bagpipes } surgically attached to his body in an attempt to make the } Wecklpipes. The first time he sneezes, it will deafen everyone } within 100 feet, and cause massive (and fatal) shock damage to } his body. } } You owe the Oracle a set of ear plugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle is truly amazing, for to him the behavior of human > beings is like unto that of a small furry animal to us.  Oracle, please > tell me: > > When the doors of an elevator open up on a floor and there are both > people outside wanting to get in and people inside wanting to get out, > why do the morons on the outside always shove their way in before > giving the other people a chance to get out? > > Thank you for receiving my question.  The answer will make a big > difference in my otherwise meaningless existence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little Human, whose resemblance to a small furry animal is suprising } even to me, listen and learn. } } The people of whom you speak are suffering from a psychological } disorder known as LIFTLEXIA, which is characterized by an inability to } recognize the difference between the total volume of an elevator and } the volume occupied by the riders currently in the elevator.  Liftlexia } belongs to the class of SOCIO-OBNOXIOUS disorders.  Some other common } S-O disorders are: } } EDGEAPHOBIA - Sufferers of this disorder are unable to walk near the } edge of a sidewalk, and thus plant themselves firmly in center of it. } Attempts to walk around an edgeaphobic will cause him to believe he } has drifted too far to one side, and he will swerve back in front of } you to correct the problem. } } DECIBELMANIA - Decibelmaniacs are psychologically unable to believe } that sound does indeed travel.  They tend to sit in the booth next } to you in restaurantsa and talk _way_ too loud.  These are the same } people who blast their steroes at 4 in the morning for fear of } missing a single note. } } DRIFTYLLUS - This disorder causes drivers to change lanes more or less } at random, which tends to make being on the same road as them hazardous } to your insurance premium. } } OVERTAKING ANXIETY - People with Overtaking Anxiety have an } overexaggerated sense of competition.  They place their personal } victories above all other concerns.  The pleasure they gain from } passing you on the interstate is so great that they immediately } slow down so that you will pass them, thus putting them in a } position to pass you once more. } } And finally, the most serious of the Socio-Obnoxious orders: } } VELOCICITUS - This disorder is caused by a slight imbalance in the } right hemisphere of the brain, which causes them to become } left-dominant. An addidional visual irregularity makes them unable to } comprehend written numbers.  The combination of these two effects } causes } them to commit one of the most unforgivable of social mistakes: } THEY DRIVE SLOW IN THE FAST LANE!!!! } } Sadly, none of these disorders is curable at the present time. } } You owe the Oracle a semi-painless method of putting } these people out of My^H^H their misery.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  If you would be so kind as to email the lyrics of the songs Jane Says, >   by Jane's addiction, I would very appreicative. > >   thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, "I would very appreicative." Doesn't quite make sense. } What she must have meant was, "I will vary appreciatively." } WOW! Mush be some kind of a shape-changer! I wonder.. } }       Lisa? }               Yes, Orrie? }       I was just wondering, can you vary appreciatively? }               Err, I don't think so... }       Ok, just wondering. } } Ok, supplicant, you're on. I've always wanted to see one of } those Hindu gods with six arms. Change into that and I will } give you the lyrics you want.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle, > > How do you make a taxicab float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the home office in Olympus, Indiana.... } } TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE A TAXICAB FLOAT } } 10) Take it onto the ferry } } 9) First, shalt you make a Taxi of reeds, and cover the inside with }    pitch for so much as to make it waterproof... } } 8) Put a "NOT IN SERVICE" sign on the top of a small hovercraft } } 7) Replace the freon in the air conditioner with helium } } 6) maglev! } } 5) Wing of bat }    Claw of bear }    Take this Taxi }    Into the Air! } } 4) taxi-bungee-jumping! } } 3) Reference the 007 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me" } } 2) Replace the floor mats with Magic Carpet(tm), $29.95 from }    Oracle/Alladdin Enterprises, P.O. Box 42, Olympus, IN. Allow 6-8 }    weeks for delivery. } } 1) Take a scoop of ice cream, a bottle of root beer, and one small }    taxi....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and all-seeing Oracle, > > Don't you think the makers of Brand X would have some pretty good > grounds for libel by now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a small company that makes all the Brand X products that you } see used in adverts.  The very purpose of this company is to produce } inferior versions of any product, so that in adverts *anything* can be } shown to be better than Brand X. } } In some cases, it has proved very difficult to produce an inferior } product, and in the case of a well known Cola drink, the manufacturers } paying for the advertising bought the Brand X formula to use instead } of their own as, in tests, many people preferred it. } } The all-seeing Oracle has had a look round their computer database that } lists the ingredients used in each product, some of the more } interesting ones were: } } Brand X - Soap powder: }     There are several versions of Brand X soap powder, different ones } are used depending on the type of comparison made in the advert. } } Comparison in advert          Active ingredients of soap powder } "Whiter than white"           Clay } "Does not fade colours"       Chalk/Bleach } "Washes at low temperatures"  Polystyrene flakes. } "Reduces Odours"              Dried powdered anchovy. } } Brand X - Chocolate covered snack. }     These were made of soap, covered in chocolate, in tests 6.2% of } people still preferred these to the advertised product. } } Brand X - Washing up liquid. }     Paraffin, dyed green. It is difficult to produce something that } washes worse than water. } } Brand X - Dishwasher powder. }     Salt/Bleach. } } Brand X - Car polish }     Sand in grease. } } Brand X - Cola's. } }     Many cola's were tried in order to produce one worse than the } original, formulae tried were: } } Ingredients                                   percentage preferring it } Cold coffee with lemon and anchovy                             8% } Burnt soap dissolved in water                                 10% } Burnt soap dissolved in water with 20% sugar                  21% } Burnt soap dissolved in paraffin                               5% } Mixture of: 10% phosphoric acid, 5% nitric acid, 50% sugar } 7% caffeine and juice squeezed from mouldy brown cabbage      70% } } Guess which one of these formulaes was chosen to replace the original } product! } } You owe the Oracle a cola that won't corrode steel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle, > please take the time to answer question, you God!!! > i am in a stump.  My work is not going really good - when I started > it was a peice of candy.  I need to preform good for the money ($$$). > (or else I will have to move into my apartment of my parents). > I thank youre advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get this straight ... you're in a stump, and you have work that } started out as a piece of candy, and ... ah!  I see what's going on. } } You are a leprechaun/wood sprite halfbreed, and your tree was recently } clearcut by Boise Cascade.  You can't afford a pot of gold for the } rainbow, so you've had to make do with candy instead.  You have my } sympathies.  I'd suggest a call to the Society for Indigent Faerie } Folk, but ... eh? } } (A priest hands The Oracle a note written on a scrap of paper, bows } respectfully, and withdraws.) } } Oh, I see.  You aren't a wood sprite at all.  You're a computer geek } (homo nerdus) who can't spell, and your boss is about to discover that } you really can't program quite as well as your heavily-doctored resume } suggested.  Hey, those are the breaks.  Better start packing.  Give } your mom my regards. } } You owe The Oracle a guilt trip.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Usenet Oracle: > >       I'm sure you realize that your 4 millenium term as Oracle is > quickly approaching an end.  On January 1, 2000, we elect the new > Oracle, and of course you will have until December 31, 2000, to vacate > the Oracular Mansion in Indiana.  Unfortunately, under current laws, > you can not run again for the position.  But, know that we do think you > have done a fantastic job, and regret your leaving.  If you have any > suggestions for who would best fill your position, please let us know, > and we'll look into it.  Thank you, and good luck with whatever else > you decide to do with your life.  Enjoy the few short years you have > left as Oracle. >                                               Sincerely, > >                                               Joe J. Jackson >                                               Oracular Election Dept.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr J.J.Jackson } }     I appreciate your concern to remind me of this matter, and I assure } you that there will be no problem.  If you were, as I am, Omniscient, } you would know that in four years time the third Heavenly Revolt will } occur, sparking the second trans-firmament war.  (Being Immortal, you } will of course remember the first trans-firmament war, which was } triggered by the first revolt, and culminated in Satan previously known } as the Son of the Morning being cast out from heaven into the } bottomless pit.) } }     The winners in this war will the Demons of the Underworld } (as they are currently known) led by the Lord of Darkness, Father of } Lies, who will promptly restyle himself the Great and Holy One who's } Name may not be spoken.  The Lord God Omnipotent (our current ruler) } will be cast out into the Darkness of Burning Pitch and Circling Fires } to be Blinded and Dumb forever, leading astray the hearts of the } Children of Men from the True Way.  He will take with him the three } sevenths of the hosts of heaven, and the four sevenths shall wail } mightily for the loss. } }     I myself being Omniscient (unlike them), can see much further into } the future than that, and will deem it wise to remain entirely neutral } in this affair.  I will be granted a further four millenia at the end } of which will be a fourth revolt. } }     The Children of Men (or rather women) will of course notice very } little of any of this. }                                             Sincerely } }                                             Oracle of Usenet }                                             Firmament advisory office.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Why do Zebras have stripes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange as it may seem, zebras were once the highest form of } life on Earth. Long before speech developed, the zebras had } evolved the means to communicate by changing the width and } spacing of their stripes, sort of like a bar code. This allowed } them to interact with each other in an orderly manner. They } even had a primitive language called EBCDIC, which stood for } "Equine Bar Code to Display Interactive Capability". I wouldn't } bother with it, though, if I were you. Even the zebras don't } use it any more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel before you as if my life depended on it, and I look for you > to use your wisdom and answer this simple question: > > Can you see the future, and if so, is there a woman in mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your future is as clear to me as the finest crystal vase (and almost } as warped).  I DO see a woman in your future and it looks as though } the operation was a _complete_ success!  Proceed with your plans for } "the big switch" with confidence. } } You owe the Oracle your life (it did depend on your groveling).