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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle whose f'woop is seven hreangs long and can be bent into > a pretzel shape, to the infinite amusement of the ladies! > > Weeble over at Trans-light Propulsion got hit in the head by a krkkrk > wrench a while ago, and has since been having some strange delusions. > He thinks that he's some sort of bipedal two-eyed creature named "Mr. > Thedford" and lives in a place called "erth," where the oceans are made > of salt water.  Now, Weeble has had some good ideas before his little > accident and we don't want to lose him.  Is there any way to keep him > from going completely over the edge? > > -- Gorblat

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I will not say Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down"... X 1,000 } }   Well, over on "e(a)rth", the solution to release Mr. Thedford would } be, according to sitcom law #54448-2939A-12 (ref. Flintstone vs. } Femur), to strike Mr. Weeble again with the krkkrk wrench. If, however, } according to law #3234-23-22334RG (the Charles-in-Charge clause), he } comes back as a totally different Weeble, who keeps chasing the } grmphknrd's all day long, use the Jetsonian rule and send him on a long } vacation. However, by law #234235-234-234J12 (ref. } Tiny-Toonian/Stimpsonian text), by my next letter he'll be OK anyway. } Oh, by the way Gorblat, nice fez. } } You owe the Oracle a Vermiscious Knid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the greatest one that gets fingered alot:  Why are most to all > men shorter than 5'8?  What ever happen to tall men/ > Please don't ponder this question to long!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but you can't use the term "short" any more.  It's } insensitive, altitudinist, and politically incorrect.  You are } referring to the "vertically challenged." } } Well you see, this is a new experimental program.  Tall people have } all sorts of unfair advantages over the vertically challenged: they } can reach cookie jars on the top shelf, change light bulbs without a } footstool, bang their knees getting into small cars, and so on. } Clearly this is intolerable. } } To correct the problem, tallness has been outlawed. } } That's right.  Outlawed.  We're tired of fooling around with this } affirmative action stuff.  Eliminating inequality in this society is } going to require more radical action.  The anti-tallness campaign is a } pilot.  If it works (and preliminary indicators are good), we'll } expand it to cover those who are unfairly smart, unfairly attractive, } and other such elitist scum.  So many sources of inequality can be } cured with simple surgical procedures.... } } You owe The Oracle a brave new world.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I watched the most recent episode of Star Trek:  The Next Generation, > and was surprised to see Picard actually get the girl.  So what I want > to know is, is Kirk going to slap him with a look-and-feel lawsuit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you have correctly guessed that "Star Trek, The } Next Generation" is a copy of an earlier production, and that } the cast and writers have simply moved to this new production, } but you have foolishly assumed that the earlier production } was "Star Trek". } } To help you understand your error, consider the cast of STTNG: } } Science Officer: tin man who spends all his off-duty time }       trying to understand his heart } Security Officer: lion overcompensating for his previous lack }       of courage } First Officer: man who has a brain of sorts, but still has }       straw for a heart } Ship's Councillor: kind witch } Captain: kindly old man full of platitudes, but without any }       real magical powers } } Also note that the action takes place in a Bridge/Main Hall } with large faces occasionally projected on a screen at the } far end, and with a small room/curtain where the Captain/Wizard } occasionally goes so the others can't see him. } } (It is left as an exercise for the supplicant to determine } who wears rose-colored glasses, why Q is a wicked warlock } rather than a wicked witch, and why the Munchkins have } gone commercial.) } } So now you see why Picard will never have a romantic relationship. } Whenever he meets a pretty girl, he sends her to Kansas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, > > What is the largest prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question which has stumped some of the best minds } in mathematics, but I will explain it so that even you can } understand it. The first prime is 2, and the binary representation } of 2 is 10. Consider the following series: } } Prime     Decimal Representation     Representation in its own base } 1st       2                          10 } 2nd       3                          10 } 3rd       5                          10 } 4th       7                          10 } 5th       11                         10 } 6th       13                         10 } 7th       17                         10 } } From this demonstration you can see that there is only one prime, } and it is ten. Therefore, the largest prime is ten.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ---/....//----/.-./.-/-.-./.-.././/--/---/.../-//.--/../.../..// > -../---//-.--/---/..-//.-../---/...-/.//-/./.-./-./.-/.-./-.--// > .-/.-./../-/--/./-/../-.-./...//?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -/...././.-././/../...//-./---/-/..../../-./--.//..//-../---//-./---/-// } .-../---/...-/.//.  The oracle is multi-lingual.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Immortal Oracle, both mighty and wise, hear the prayer of a lowly > supplicant, > >      They're poisoning me. I know it. I'm a paladin, and the rest of my > party can't stand me. They protest that I don't let them slit the > throats of held persons, and that I don't sneak into places often > enough. The last time I was turned into a deaf, dumb, and blind undead, > they left me to go hunt for the treasure. And know they're poisoning > me. I know it. What is the optimum strategy for breaking this > conspiracy while remaining Lawful Good? How can I lovingly dominate > every aspect of their lives? They're poisoning me. I know it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, a difficult problem, I suspect the problem is not with the rest } of the party, but with a higher authority. I shall see what I can do. } } [ The great Oracle picks up the phone and dials ... ] } } Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one }  of my most faithful followers. } } Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: Who is this ? } } Person: This the Golden Pagoda Chinese Resteraunt. } } Oracle: Sorry, wrong number. } } [ The Oracle puts down the phone and re-dials carefully ] } } Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one }  of my most faithful followers. } } Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: Hold on! You *are* the Dungeon Master arn't you? This is the }  great Oracle here, and I want to talk about the victimisation of one }  of my paladin supplicants. } } DM: I'm sorry, I can't discuss individual cases, how I run the games is }  *my* business, I'm not letting you interfere again after that }  incident with the d13 dice. } } Oracle: Can't you take a joke, anyway, two of that party escaped being }  fried by the dragon. Anyway, about this supplicant .... } } DM: No. I'm not going to do anything. Goodbye. } } [ The DM hangs up. ] } } [ The Oracle slams down the phone, picks it up again, and re-dials } furiously ] } } Oracle: Hello again, } } DM: Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: No, I'd like to a take-away please, I'll have crispy fried DM }  balls, with rice, and don't worry if you don't have any, as I can come }  round and cook them for you. } } DM: <Gulp!> There's no need to be like that, I'll see what I can do }  for this paladin supplicant fellow. } } Oracle: It had better be good, I have some hot oil and batter waiting }  here. } } DM: I can't let the other members of the party know, but I've changed }  their poison into water. Your follower will have to *act* poisoned }  though. } } Oracle: OK, that'll do. } } [ The Oracle puts down the phone ] } } You owe the Oracle the plans for a d17 die and a portion of chicken } with bean sprouts and and egg-fried rice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Wise, > > What is the meaning of the phrase "To wait with baited breath?" Where > did this phrase come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, humble supplicant, you have indeed asked a worthy question. } } To learn of the origins of this term, we must go back to the } Dark Ages, back to the days of dragons, fair maidens, and mighty } knights..... } } The dragons knew that the knights would be coming after them, to } try to kill them.  Needless to say, the dragons did not relish } this possibility.  Here's what they did to try to correct the } situation: } } They knew that fair maidens would attract the knights, that they } could be used as bait, as it were.  What the dragon would do is } eat the fair maiden (mind OUT of the gutter please, thank YOU)! } } Once the dragon ate the fair maiden, their breath would smell like } maiden, and they would slowly and gently breathe out to have the } smell of maiden waft gently across the knoll, towards the } approaching knight. } } The knight would approach thinking he'd get a piece of fair maiden, } and would end up getting scorched with, you see, baited breath. } It's really quite simple and straightforward. } } The Oracle requires payment in the form of 3 fair maidens and a } case of dragon repellant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle, > > Why does it rain in the cities where there are no plants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ONLY LOGICAL COURSE OF ACTION } }       The Oracle had had a particularly trying day already.  No coffee } had been prepared that morning, so He had had to smite an office lackey } in order to keep the rest of them on their toes.  Then Lisa called and } told Him her mother would be visting next week, and was bringing her } aged schnauzer Pooky with her as well.  He had already crunched through } three rolls of Tums that afternoon when God called and wanted to have } Their routine weekly argument over who was more powerful. }       Now this. }       WHY DOES IT RAIN IN THE CITIES WHERE THERE ARE NO PLANTS? }       The question blinked on His terminal, over and over, for three } hours as He paced his office.  Finally, after staring at a hole in the } rug for about fifteen minutes,  He got up, turned off His terminal, and } left the office. }       "Joanie, take a memo." }       "Sure, boss." }       "From Oracle to all personnel.  As of today, I am relinquishing } control of these operations to God.  I plan to spend the rest of my } eternal existence on a lovely beach in Betazed, where Lisa and I shall } frolic in the waves until the sun goes supernova.  So long." }       Joanie gasped.  "Boss, You can't be serious!" }       "I am.  Joanie, do you know what it's like to have to know all } the answers and then put them into some semblance of scintillating } prose?  It's not very fun, and frankly, I'd rather be snorkeling." }       "Boss, do You know what God's like?  His workers are miserable! } They don't get any vacations, they're underpaid, and they don't even } get free donuts on Fridays like we do!  Do You really want to subject } us to that kind of existence?" }       "Joanie, I'm burnt out.  I can't think anymore; I can't summon } the answers like I could in the good old days!" }       "When's the last time You had a vacation?" }       "Ummmm....half a milennia ago.  I think.  I had those darn } hemorrhoids, and the doctors told Me to take a while off.  I was back } in two days." }       "Take a break, boss.  Just go away for about three weeks, have } fun, take Lisa and go off to some beach.  We'll send form letters to } everyone explaining the situation." }       "Really?" }       "Get outta here, cowboy!" }       "Wow."  The Oracle took a step, then looked back. "Hey, there's a } question on the terminal right now--could you read it and compose a } special letter?" }       "Sure. It'll reach them in about two years." }       "Great."  The Oracle strode out of the office, then popped His } head back in.  "Chocolate donuts for everyone!" }       He laughed, free as a child, as He drove happily home.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows more things than I could even begin to comprehend: > > Goedel's Theorem states that, given a logical system complex enough to > codify elementary number theory, either some true statement must also > be false, or some true statement must not be provable. > > So, I most humbly ask, is there some true thing that even you cannot > prove to be true: is logic incomplete? Or is it inconsistent instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has Its own way of dealing with logical paradox. } Observe and learn!  [ The scene : the Oracle is in the hairdressers } having a perm and blow dry ] } } Barber : I say, what a beautiful shine and body Your hair has. } } Oracle : Thankyou.  [ The Oracle pulls his undies and trousers up ] }          Lisa will be very impressed. } } Barber : You know, I cut the hair of every person in this town; }          except those who cut their own hair. } } Oracle : [ Looking puzzled ]  Hold on, who cuts *your* hair then ? } } Barber : That's the problem!  I'm caught in this damn stupid }          paradox.  Every time I cut my own hair, logic forces my }          hair to reappear because by the above rule I'm not allowed }          to cut it.  If I don't cut my own hair then I *have* to }          cut it because of the above rule.  I am simultaneuosly }          bald and extremely shaggy!! } } Oracle : Yes, that would explain why their is a strange rift in }          the fabric of space where your hair should be. } } Barber : You're the Oracle, surely you can help me?! } } Oracle : Let me see....  well, there's only one way to defy logic. } } Barber : What's that ? } } Oracle : You must bring together the most logical force in the }          Universe, Mr Spock, and the most illogical force in the }          Universe, the Monthy Python Fan Club.  The gargantuan }          reaction will shatter the very fabric of Universal logic, }          thus allowing you to cut your hair. } } [ The Oracle concentrates deeply and summons a number of people }   from  another dimension ] } } Spock : Live long and prosper. } } Python Fan 1 : Nih! } } Spock : Nih! is not a logical sentence construction. } } Python Fan 2 : And now for something completely different. It's.. } } Python Fan 3 : [ explodes in a shower of halibut scales ] } } Spock : You are a product of human irrationality. } } Python Fan 1 : You are about to be attacked by a vicious gang of }                "keep left" road signs. } } Spock : Not logical, NOT LOGICAL!  Beam me UP Scotty, quick! } } Python Fan 2 : Eke eke eke eke ftang zzzzipthoing!! } } [The battle develops into a frenzy, a rising crescendo, until..] } }              <<<   B   O   O    M  >>> !!!! } } Barber : [gasps] I can cut my hair!  Praise be to the Oracle! } } Oracle : Anything to get out of paying your extortionate rates. } ______ } } The trouble is, O supplicant, you do not have the necessary } powers to defy logic, so you'll have to spend the rest of your } life getting confused with Goedel and other limited mortal } intellectual material. } } You owe the Oracle a proof in autoepistemic logic that Mount } Everest is two feet high and blue.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Daddy, tell me the story of the Tin Woodchuck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little } tin woodchuck. } } The little tin woodchuck was very sad because he had no one to play } with. So he went to the top of the mountain and asked the clouds, } "Mister Cloud, where can I find a playmate". } } But the cloud was full of electrons, and the little tin woodchuck on } top of the mountain acted just like the lightning rods on the Empire } State Building, and *poof* that was the end of the little tin } woodchuck.