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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who ZOTs supplicants who fail to grovel.  Tell me, > O Great One, by what means, other than ZOTing, do you alleviate stress. > My work is getting to me.  I need to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, thought you'd never ask.  Here's the Oracle's Top Ten List of } Stress-Relieving Things To Do: } } 10)  Ponder navel oranges.  They don't have navels, really. }  9)  Pluck thy nose hairs and throw them at your colleagues. }  8)  Hold a pencil in front of your face, and systematically close }      your left eye, then your right, and try to get the eraser to }      blot out a different person with each eye. }  7)  Get the Ethyl Merman Disco Album and BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE. }  6)  Eat some MSG.  Wonders. }  5)  Get a baseball bat and put some new doors in your home. }  4)  Send mail to the Oracle asking "How much wood would a woodchuck }      chuck?"  It will transfer your stress to me. }  3)  Call the "Save the Children" help line, and say, "Is Sally there? }      Is Sally Struthers there?  MOM?!" }  2)  Pick thy toes. }  1)  Eat some raisins.  They're really chewy. } } You owe the Oracle the "Buns of Steel" video.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh-Oracle-wise-and-true,-can-you-please-tell-me-what-is-wrong > with-my-spacebar??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a common problem.  You see, the space bar doesn't actually show } anything, it just moves the cursor over.  You can't actually see a } space.  You have to just believe that it is there.  It's sort of like } the "post-cold-war peace dividend." } } You owe the Oracle a big tax break.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most mighty and great Oracle, > > I'm sorry about the short grovel, but my modem is playing up. > What can I > NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop pressing Alt-H } } You owe the Oracle a Hayes compatable ZOT extender.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise one, please tell me what that red thing is, and what do > they use it for...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 'little red thing,' as you call it, is really a transdimentional } fuse. Say, for example, a supplicant asks, "How Much Wood can a...a } w-w-w-w...a w-w-a woo...." Never mind, you know what I'm talking about. }  But anyway, all you do is light the fuse and send the fuse with your } reply. } } When the fuse burns down to the little purple part, the orange part } opens to reveal a black part which suck the supplicant and his house } and question in, then returns to its small yellowish-brown box-like } state. } } Now, if you'll excuse me, I just got some mail...Hmm!  How nice!  A } small yellowish-brown box with a little orange part, a little purple } part, and a burning little red part... } } But as I was saying...all you do is light the little red part and send } it to your worst enemy's house... } } Wait a min...I've seen one of these boxes } befoAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<schllup> } } You owe Lisa a new Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most proud and noble Oracle, tell me: > > Why do stars fall out of the sky/ > every time/you walk by?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'cause I'm so flippin' drun' drun' drunkkk tha' notonly do th' stars } move aroun' evr'y time I lookkit 'em, but th' earth does a neat little } dansstep an' jodles at th' top of its lunggz. } } You owe me a canuv Guinness Draught an'an' Aspirin fer nex' morning.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> World famous knower of knowledge, dispenser of dispensations, and > contriver of contrivances, I have met this real cute girl. She is > a Princess, which is handy because I am a Prince, and you wouldn't > believe how hard it is to meet a real Princess nowadays. Anyway, > there is a rather major problem. You see, she just lays there like > she is under a spell or something. I've tried pinching her, tickling > her feet, and several other things, but she just lays there. What > can I do to get a response? >                                               In Desparation, >                                               Prince Charming

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Charming: } I am quite familiar with the spell you describe, and I am pleased to } tell you there is an easy way to break it.  However (there is always a } however in these situations), it won't work unless YOU figure it out } for yourself.  I'll give you the same advice I recently suggested to } an engineering student who wanted my help on a seemingly difficult } project:  Keep It Simple, Stupid! } } You owe the Oracle the droit de seigneur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Huge Oracle, who uses clothesline for dental floss, and who buffs > his toenails with a floor polisher, please tell me why my piling > system, -er- I mean my FILING system is always overflowing and never > in order.  Is there some cosmic secret to getting all these papers put > away, thrown away, kept away, out of my way, yet with the things I > need still instantly available?  I don't think the computer is the > answer, because I suspect it's useless to scan in handwritten notes, > or catalogues I intend to order something from, some day, or the > archival stuff on the floor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Freudian slip was wiser than you knew.  In fact, careful filing } systems have been one of the greatest barriers to humanity's } development of cosmic consciousness.  Your *piling* system is on the } right track. } } Consider for a moment.  You've studied chaos theory.  You've learned in } cognitive science that consciousness is an epiphenomenon.  Complex } systems that are allowed to grow complex enough ultimately develop } orderly structures that cannot be predicted from the characteristics of } their consituent parts. } } Our Solar System was once a garbage dump for a race of interstellar } colonists whose home base was Beta Centauri.  Consider the results: } Mars coalesced from old racing forms.  The core of Venus was discarded } sponges, used Lava Lamps, and Centaurian Chia Pets.  As for Earth: } a primordial soup of interplanetary speeding citations, biology } textbook overstock, pop-top rings from before the Centaurians invented } pull-tabs, faulty 1 terabyte RAM chips, and Spam. } } So the secret is to introduce enough chaos and complexity into your } papers that they begin to self-organize.  The order that will } eventually emerge is unpredictable, but expect it to be as } information-rich as a strand of DNA--as beautiful as a fractal } image--as logical as the VMS operating system.... } } On second thought, maybe you just ought to hire a secretary...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > I was out in my wood pile, and I noticed that there was a woodchuck > chucking wood all over the place.  I didn't want my wood chucked by > this woodchuck, as I had carefully stacked it into a statue of You, the > wise and glorious one, and this darned woodchuck was chucking this wood > into a form that made it look more like one of Ross Perot's ears. > > Needless to say, I was pissed. > > So, I got out the twelve-gauge, and blasted a hole in said woodchuck's > head. > > What I want to know, is what is your preferred recipe for woodchuck?  I > was thinking a stew (he's an old, tough bugger), but I'm open to > suggestions. > > Awaiting hungrily (and hurry, he's starting to smell funny), > The humblest of all supplicants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Woodchuck stew: } } (1) Woodchuck } (1) Supplicant } (1) Large Pot } }   In large pot, bring water to a boil. Toss unconscious supplicant into } pot. Let Woodchuck watch. The Oracle does *not* hate woodchucks. The } Oracle hates *people* *who* *ask* *woodchuck* *questions* !!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    I bet this question won't make it into the Oracularities Digest. > What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't >think<, supplicant, I >know<.  I know many things.  I know } why the Earth spins 'round the sun, I know why Spring always follows } Winter, and I know why Lisa is such a great lover in bed. } } What I also know is that your question is of such insignificant value } that it won't make it into the digest.  And in fact... } }          <<   ZZZZZZZZZ       OO       TTTTTTTTTTTT    !!  >> }         <<          ZZ      OO  OO          TT        !!!!  >> }        <<          ZZ     OO      OO        TT        !!!!   >> }       <<          ZZ      OO      OO        TT        !!!!    >> }      <<          ZZ       OO      OO        TT         !!      >> }       <<        ZZ        OO      OO        TT         !!     >> }        <<      ZZ         OO      OO        TT         !!    >> }         <<    ZZ            OO  OO          TT              >> }          <<   ZZZZZZZZZ       OO            TT         !!  >> } } I also know you didn't grovel. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Oracularities Digest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please tell me: > I was recently at the store, and just happened to need a cuccumber and > vaseline.  Everyone was snickering at me while in line.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you, your recipe for "Supplicant Salad" will become an } instant classic on supermarket shelves across the nation in a few short } weeks. } } Those pin-heads in the checkout line aren't even up to oil-and-vinegar, } so don't feel discouraged. } } And that bit about about loosing your chef's license over that KY jelly } dessert, don't worry, it's going to blow over in the next few days. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "More Of The Best Of The Joy Of Sex" and a } salad spinner.