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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O R A C L E >     Is it true that Bach had 23 children because his organ didn't have > any stops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the best explanation I have ever heard of why Johann Sebastian } was so prolific. Still, one is puzzled that Bach did not use the many } other options that he had: } } (a) His violin partitas can convince anyone that he was a master at } fingerplay. } } (b) Just listen to any of his keyboard sonatas and you will agree that } he was an unmatched solo player. } } (c) Both of his wives came from a fine oral tradition. } } Wonders never cease.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ever present and annoying oracle, > >       I filter my mail into separate mailboxes, and I even gave you > your own mailbox!  It has been wonderfully empty for the past couple > months, and I was enjoying the break you've been giving me. > >       Then, I posted a question to a newsgroup yesterday, and I got > several answers back, the most surprising is the one that I received in > the mail from YOU, oh wonderfully annoying one.  I included your reply > just in case you had forgotten what your answer was... > > > Subject: Re: Does it matter what sex I am? > > Newsgroups: comp.lang.c > > Organization: Oracle Corporation, Redwood Shores CA > > > >     ...Only to your date on Saturday night. > > > > In a previous article you write: > > ]   struct foo { > > ]           unsigned char a; > > ]           unsigned char b; > > ]   } bar; > > ] > > ]   unsigned short foo_bar; > > ]   unsigned char *snafu; > > ] > > ]   foo_bar = 0xf5c1; > > ]   *((unsigned short *)&bar.a) = foo_bar; > > ]   snafu = (unsigned char *)malloc(sizeof(unsigned char)*8); > > ]   *((unsigned short *)snafu) = foo_bar; > > ] > > ] Am I guaranteed that (bar.a == 0xf5 && bar.b == c1) and (snafu[0] > > ] == 0xf5 && snafu[1] == 0xc1), or is this machine(CPU)-dependant? > > > >     It's machine-dependent.  You can be sure that (bar.a == > > snafu[0]), and that (bar.b == snafu[1]); but what those values are is > > not guaranteed. > > > >     foo_bar can be stored in (high-byte, low-byte) order, or > > (low-byte, high-byte) order, or as (lowest-bit, highest-bit, > > second-lowest-bit, second-highest-bit,...) and that's OK with the > > ANSI C Standard (as long as arithmetic, assigning a char to a short, > > etc., work). > >       Now, explain yourself... I didn't ask you to answer this, I > didn't even tell you about it,  WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP BUGGING ME! > I'll send you the canine re-incarnation I owe you one of these > centuries, but I've got to save up the money first (they are > EXPENSIVE!), but until then, PLEASE LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! > > signed, an (obviously) disgruntled customer.... > [ :-) ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me refer you to our complaint dept...  please hold the line. } } (A bubble gum chewing 18 year old answers) : Oracle Inc. Complaint }                                              Dept. Waddya want? } } Disgruntled supplicant: Uh, I am not satisfied with services I have }                         received. } } Bubble gum:  Oh, well, you need service dept. hold on. } } D.S.: No, I don't need the serv } } Another bubble gum chewing 18 year old answers: Service dept. Whats the }                                                 matta? } } D.S.: Could you get me back to the oracle? } } Bubble: Please hold on, connecting. } } D.S. (Finally, an answer to my question)...  waits... waits... } } Oracle: The answer is... } } D.S.:  Yes?  Yes? } } Oracle: Your question has already been answered.  If you are not } satisfied, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope containing } the unsatisfactory product.  Our service dept. will be happy to replace } the defective product. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.  Void where } prohibited.  The oracles opinions are not necessarily the opinions of } his employers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious oracle, the fount of all knowledge, > > I'm looking for an easy way to make money.  I'd prefer a legal scam, > but I'm open to suggestions.  My priorities are that it won't take too > much time, effort, or money to start up. > > What can the wise and glorious Oracle suggest to this humble > supplicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN (IL)LEGAL SCAMS } } 10.  Start an E-mail chain letter saying everyone should send $5.00 }      to the top name on the list and then add their name.  Crosspost }      the letter to a dozen of the highest-traffic newsgroups. } } 9.   Spend the day driving around, finding as many payphones as you }      can. At every one, call the operator, and say you just dropped a }      quarter into the phone and the phone ate it.  Ask if they could }      credit your home phone number. } } 8.   Start a 1-900 number sex-talk, psychic advice or golf-swing advice }      service. } } 7.   Borrow a lot of money from a loan shark or the Mafia, and skip }      town. } } 6.   Become a television evangelist, and tell people God will take you }      up to heaven if they don't send you a million dollars by the end }      of the month. } } 5.   If that takes too long, get a job working for a television }      evangelist and embezzle. } } 4.   Go the Elmwood school for the blind and ask people for change }      of a twenty.  Give them a single instead. } } 3.   Become a crooked politician.  Abuse the system, abuse perks, and }      sell favors.  If you aren't already a politician, this may take }      longer than you like, so try this: } } 2.   Accuse a politician (the higher up the better) of sexual }      harassment. You don't even have to be able to make it stick - }      you'll be getting offers to give speeches for around $50,000 a }      pop. } } and the number one (il)legal scam... } } 1.   Start a service where you get people to E-mail you questions, }      and as payment, you get to ask for anything you desire.  You }      set it up so that you send a question to each person who asks }      one - then you don't even have to answer them yourself!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who could control the minds of mortals with a thought > (if it weren't too trivial to bother with), do you have any control > over the graduate admissions process at Indiana (since you reside > there)?  I applied to grad school there, and haven't heard anything, > but wonder if I could make points with you (if I grovel really well) > and have that help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "(if I grovel really well)" indeed! You'll certainly need to do } better than you've done so far. } } Of course, the Oracle can help. Here's what you must do: } go to the office of the Dean of Admissions, } be there before she arrives in the morning, roughly 07:35, } *in* her office -- sneak in, or punch 9687# on the door -- } naked, painted blue with woad, } and with your privates covered in peanut butter (crunchy). } } As she arrives, bleary-eyed and carrying her first paper cup of coffee, } Spring out at her, crying "Aji-no-Moto(tm)!" } } I guarantee that you will be admitted to the appropriate } institution.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who so smugly thinks they know all things > knowable, answer me this: > > To: T.Usenet Oracle > From: Goniff, Swindle and Cheat, Attny. > Subject: Cease and Desist Order #2318453-34 > > Dear Mr. Oracle; > >       The people of California have formally obtained an injuction > against you, your relations and agents formally barring you from the use > of the <ZOT> unless specifically authorized by the Council of the Wise > Elders of Athena, and a representative of this court. > >       This injuction, which is now in effect, is due to your random and > malicious <ZOTTING> of the people henceforth known as "supplicants", > those who request things of you. > >       If you so much as perform even one more <ZOT> without proper > authorization, you shall yield all rights to your estate, and shall > become instantly mortal, where you will then dwell in a state prison > with a cellmate named Bubba, who will literally love sharing his > environment with you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It appears I'm going to have to consult legal help. I know.... } } *dialdialdialdialdialdialdial* } } God: Hello? } Oracle: Hey God, it's me again. } God: Hm? Oh, yes, Oracle, how's it hangin'? } Oracle: Look, I can't talk now, the reason why I called is that I'm } getting into legal trouble for all my <ZOT>ing. I figured I'd consult } the best legal help available. } God: Ah, I see. } Oracle: Connect me to Alan Dershowitz, would you? } God: Right away. Let's see, this plugs in to... } *RINGRINGRING* } } Alan: God? } Oracle: No, this is the Oracle. I have a serious legal problem, so I } had God patch me in through his direct line. } Alan: Oh, alright. This better be important, I'm missing Welcome Back } Kotter... } Oracle: It is...look, some weenies in California are trying to take } away my ability to <ZOT> by filing some kind of injunction. } Alan: I see. Where are you residing? } Oracle: I am everywhere, I see every... } Alan: C'mon, quit toying with me, chucklehead. } Oracle: Uh, Indiana. } Alan: Right. Do you own anything in Texas? } Oracle: Yeah, I have a hotel room there, but I only live there a week } out of the year, for political reasons. } Alan: Well, there you go. Reroute all of your <ZOT>s through your } "place of residence" in Texas. Down there, "He needed <ZOT>ing" is an } acceptable defense for <ZOT>ing anyone you choose. } Oracle: Really? I didn't kno....oh, I mean "I KNEW THAT" } Alan: Yeah, right. And God doesn't need legal advice. } Oracle: Thanks, bud. I'll send you a cookie. } Alan: Thanks, I'll send you a bill. } Oracle: Later.... } } As a payment for bothering the Oracle, oh California ninny, I only ask } you stand still while I rain upon you the biggest, flashiest, most } impudent <ZOT> ever to come from Indiana via the Lone Star state. } Because you, supplicant, need <ZOT>ing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle who art in indiana, hallowed be thy operating system, thy > kingdom come, thy will be done on the earth as it is on the net, give us > this day our daily wisdom-of-the-ages-that-onely-you-posses-and- > give-out-so-freely-even-to-idiots-who-ask-dumb-questions-and-grovel- > not-enough, and forgive us our woodchuck inquiries as we forgive those > who ask them of us, lead us not into mudding-our-life-away, but deliver > us from reality, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory > for ever and ever, ahem..... > > why is the dealer's second hand in the british card game cribbage called > the "crib"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question is locked away in the distant past. I of } course no the answer. The game cribbage is in fact not a british } game, but originated in Antoloope in Lower Mongolia about 3020 A.O. } (Anno Oracles). } } The earliest record of the game is found in ancient rock drawings, } and shows 37 men playing the game, which was originally called Ugh. } It is not clear when the modern day rules were first formulated, but } the origin of the name "crib" for the dealer's second hand is well } known. } } In 1783 a Franciscan monk was playing the game with his niece and her } friend. After dealing the second hand his niece suddenly started } squeling like a pig, and promptly threw-up all over her friend. The } village idiot found this extremely funny, and laughed so loudly that } he woke up the Kings baby, thereby infuriating the king, who ordered } that the monk's left hand be cut off. And from there the name. } } You owe the Oracle copy of Toss-the-Pig

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help a newcomer get adjusted? > > This much I've figured out already: Whenever I cry, this figure comes > carrying two mounds of food. This is good, thank you. > > But sometimes this other figure appears instead, who has no such mounds > although the valves are still in place. What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty simple. } } (And my! You're a precocious one, already knowing how to write to the } Oracle!) } } The figure with the two mounds of food is "Mama."  The other one is } "Dada." Now, Dada has the valves but doesn't have the mounds.  You see, } Dada is jealous of Mama, in that she gets you to suck on her valves for } hours on end and it's a perfectly natural thing.  He was hoping he } could get you to do it to him, too, but he's afraid you'll get upset } and cry because you won't be getting anything out of it.  Then Mama } will come in and see what he's doing and get very mad. } } On the other hand, Dada may just be jealous because he wants to be the } one sucking on Mama's valves. } } You owe the Oracle a strap-on baby feeder.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle all-knowing, all-seeing, all-bran, explain this quandry if > you can: > > Why do newspaper theatre critics have to be so mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Newspaper theater is awful, and the critics *should* be mean to it. } } That production of MacBeth the other day, starring the Post as MacBeth } and the Daily News as MacDuff, was the worst yet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message: > Oh furtive and dank Oracle - I have seen mention in your musings of > alt.tasteless, and I have seen images obtained from > alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless - please tell me where I can find out > more about these things.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh little one! I have heard your shrill whinings and although you are } not worthy of my reply, I have taken pity on you. } } There exists a realm known as <news>, on a far-far-away computer } system, and therein resides several groups both good and bad. As I have } gazed upon the face of these groups, both the good anmd bad are known } to me.  Verily, you, my child, through your blissful ignorance, have } uttered the names of some very bad groups. } } My advice, oh little whiner, is to forget about these groups and follow } your true heart straight to one of the good groups, verily, } <rec.humor.oracle>.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, buddy, pal, > > Listen, I still haven't thanked You for helping Me get that rock > out of My yard last month.  You'd have thought I'd have learn not > to deal with philosophical questions while drunk, right?  Well, > tonight, Lucifer was over for an informal get together, and We > started drinking, and before I realized it, I had written a check > larger than I could cover.  Lucifer took it back with Him and is > going to try to cash it first thing tomorrow, and I was wondering > if you could lend Me some money for about a week or so. > > Best to You and Lisa, > God

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You still haven't paid Me back for the thirty drachma I lent You } a few thousand years ago.  Do you know what the interest on that is?! } } Go form an S&L, take the loan as a loss, and have the U.S. government } cover it.  They write checks for more than they can cover all the time, } and the fools keep buying it. } } You owe the Oracle twelve billion drachma.