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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Agent Blork: >        Why have you not yet reported back to the mother ship?  You were >  ordered to asses this planet for invasion 10 megableems ago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not yet, not yet!  I've managed to reach a position where the } primatives blindly follow my advice.  Once I have them doing what I } tell them, they'll be so much easier to assimilate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                 March 13, 1993 }                                                 Office of the Oracle }                                                 Indiana University }                                                 Rutledge, IN 89013 } Dear Supplicant: } } Our records indicate that over the past month, you have sent a total of } 22 null questions, 18 woodchuck questions, 15 offensive questions } (including 11 of a pubescent sexual nature), as well as 11 questions } consisting wholly of interjections and onomotopeic words. } } This track record is cause for concern and additional attention.  Under } the 1989 Supplicant Transgression/Obstinancy Penal (STOP) Code you owe } the Oracle the answer 36 like questions and whatever sexual favours he } or Lisa might require. } } Luckily for you the philosophy at Indiana University has changed since } then, (partly in response to AI International concerns) and we have } taken a less punitive, more rehabilitative stance towards offenders } such as yourself. } } Under the 1992 Rehabilitation of Imppaired Supplicants Code (RISC) you } may opt out of the restitutional fees for a first-time offense such as } yours if you enroll in the one-hour Supplicant Cooperation and } Meditation Seminar (SCaMS). } } In an attached document are instructions how to get to the classroom in } which the seminar is taught.  You will must show up Saturday, March 27 } (1993).  If you cannot make it this date, contact our secretary, Lilian } Lovelace, at 419-867-2253. }                                                 Rutledge, IN 89013 } }                                                   Orrie }                                                 The USENET Oracle(tm) } -LL

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is more than Politically Correct, > who is the very paradigm of Philosophically Correct, > > Last year I decided to get myself a Personal Car. > So, I went down to the PC dealers and bought the most beautiful > machine I ever saw; 486 cubic inches under the hood, > whitewall disks, can go from zero to 100 Mhz in a nanosecond. > > I signed all the papers, paid the money, and drove it out of the > showroom. Wouldn't you know it, the darn thing hit a tree! > Back at the dealer's, they explained to me that I needed something > to aim it with, and they sold me a Borland SteeringWheel(tm). > > I managed to get my Personal Car back home okay, though I did run > over a few old ladies. I steered it right into the garage and ran > smack dab up against the back wall! > > So I took it back to the dealer next day and got Microsoft Brakes(tm) > put in. Now everything was fine, until it rained and I got all wet. > Now they told me I needed Windows(tm-NOT!). > > Well, to make a long story short, I had to go back to the dealer > more times than I can count, and it wound up costing me eight times > what I thought I was going to pay, but I finally feel like I have a > complete Personal Car. I've got a dent in the door, from when I got > mad at it and gave it a SideKick(tm), I play my music tapes on a > QuarterDeck(tm), and I feel like a HalfWit(tm-NOT!). > > I've gone to all this trouble and spent all this money, and at last > I have all the pieces, but they all come from different companies > and don't quite fit together right. For example, when I step on my > Brakes(tm), my TootToot!(tm) goes off -- fortunately, I drive mostly > in Manhattan, so nobody notices. > > O Oracle, please tell me, have I been taken for a ride?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Dear new IBMW driver: }       Thank you for puchasing the New IBMW 486i. Federal safety }  standards require that you be able to see behind you. Please purchase }  Borland Reflex(tm) at your earliest convienience. You may have noticed }  by now that you can only move forward. Your local dealer has several }  back-up systems available. While we recomend that you have your }  authorized service center perform these modifications we realize }  that in efforts to save money and cpu cycles you may wish to perform }  these yourself. To assist you we are offering Turbo Assembler(tm). }  It is our wish that you become a happy and satisfied customer rather }  than another ANTSY driver. }                               Sincerly, }                               Gotch U. Cumminingoin }                               Customer Service Representitive

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, Moses, Jesus, and the Oracle were walking out in the woods; > they walked for a long time, and got hungry. > > Jesus just broke off another piece of his bread and fish. > > Moses raised his hand, and mannah came down from Heaven. > > The Oracle -- > > What did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emailed Dominos... } } You owe the Oracle extra anchovies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ta Da! > > Announcing...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A vaguely Grecian stage appears to the tune of "It's Showtime at the } Apollo". Clowns run amok.  Lions jump through fieryhoops.  Several } zeus' occupants must have been unleashed for this spectacle.  Togaed } acrobats fly through the ares like doves.  A spotlight focuses upon a } mustacioed ringleader. } } Ringleader: Ladies and gentlemen, children of all aegis, all the way } from Delphos in ancient Greece, let me present to you the one, the } only, Usenet Oracle. } } Three gorgeous tunicked women bear out a fit man upon a plush canopied } carriage. } } UO: Thank you.  Thank you Mr. Ringleader. (aside: atlas that greeceball } is finished I hades long introductions; how many times does one need to } hear, "Oh Oracle you're thebes?")  Besides, I'm no circus freak, no } performing monkey.  I do not rome from town to town for the amusement } of the populi.  I oughtta give him a good thracian.)  For my first } trick I will cut one of my lovely aphrodites in half with a saw.  [Gaps } ring out as the women fumble their load, nearly spilling the Delphic } wonder unceremoniously upon the floor.  The Oracle wipes his brow as he } continues.]  But ceresly folks, I came here to read your fates, } euripides chickens up and voila!  Juno?  I certainly do!  So step right } up, step right up. } } The ringleader grabs athene and frightened kid from the crowd.  His } hera stand on end. He's aturning to sit back down -- but cannot escape } -- eros, and that's that. } } UO: [To the kid]  So kid, what's your name?  [The kid is quiet.  The } Oracle perseus matter further.]  Odyseus, I will ask him his name } nonetheless. [He does; the kid does not.]  Theseus unprecedented! } Achilles for less! Tell me your name now, lad!  [The Oracle medeatates } a while.  He muses to himself; I will have to follow minos on this } one.]  You are Oedipus, are you not?  [The child nods meekly.  He turns } and fleece.  Victory escapes him, and as his bacchus turned he is } restrained by bouncer-like clowns.]  A feisty one!  If medusae so } myself!  So feisty indeed he will kill hestia and marry his ma.  He } will chronus (he and his ma) as sovereigns.  [An uneasy sirens takes } hold of the crowd.  The boy panics.  The Oracle, with a cyclops him } soundly on the head.  The boy falls, foreshadowing the fate of his } household.  Realizing the crowds horror, he tries to plato them.]  He } is unnatural, sophists are all he understands.  [The Oracle shrugs } good-naturedly and the crowd sighs in relief as the kid awakes.] } } OR: So what do io you? } } You owe the Oracle a parthenon other less burlesque performance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, > I just thought I'd drop you a line and tell you how things > are back home.  Your brother, Zeus, managed to wipe a whole > continent the other day, but is was on Jupiter's Earth. > You know how those two fight.  Well, Jupiter then went and > wiped a whole Aztec civilization on Zeus's toy.  Juno got > fed up with Jupiter's behaviour so she dumped him, and is > now dating Mercury.  You know how hot he can be! > > Anyway, looking after the universe is going well, apart > from when those two squabble!  Your mother is keeping well, > but I'm sure she'd be happy to hear from you more often. > Do write and tell how you are getting on with Lisa.  I know > I really shouldn't hint, but is there a chance of wedding > bells?  Your mother would be so pleased if there were... > > Anyway, don't forget to send her flowers for Mother's day > will you, and a visit in the near future wouldn't go amiss. > Write soon... >               Your Loving Father.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear old Dad: } } Thanks for writing me. Sorry I'm not going to make it back for Spring } Break...my work here solving the world's problems is kind of hectic. } And thanks from the word from home. } } Earth's pretty much the same, except George and Dan got fired. Dan took } it pretty hard, but Marilyn found him a good day care here in Indiana, } and he'll be happy there. George and Barbara are okay with it, too; } Millie's hard at work writing a sequel to her book, and they'll have } some grocery money coming soon. } } I suppose you heard David locked himself in his compound, and ordered } all of his supplicants shoot anyone who got near him. Such a shame...I } had so much hope for him becoming our Texas affiliate, but that } reclusive streak of his just went a little overboard. I'd say if you've } got any free time, he could use a few well-placed lightning bolts. I'd } do it myself, but you know me...work, work work... } } Bosnia and Croatia are fighting Serbia, who are calling themselves } Yugoslavia, over their right to break from Yugoslavia. Macedonia and } Slovenia are still undecided, but Armenia is suggesting they break, } Latvia suggests they either stay or join with Armenia, and Lithuania } couldn't care less. I've worked out a plan for the United Nations that } takes the entire lot of them and makes them into one big country called } "Other," and they said they'd think about it. } } I mentioned something about this the last time I wrote you 2 years ago, } and can you believe, I *still* haven't been able to <ZOT> that kid from } the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials? I'm not giving up, though. My } quest is a holy one. } } Well, hey, it's late, and I've got a lot of stuff to do. I'll call you } sometime before next Martimas time. Take care, and say Hi to mom for } me. } } Love, } Orrie } } P.S. I remembered how much you like Madonna. I've enclosed her first } book, "Sex." You thought "Who's That Girl" left nothing to the } imagination? You're gonna freak when you see this!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can i find information about AMIGA ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene: } }     Commodore International's telemarketing department. A huge room }     full of telemarketers are chatting away, attempting to ignore }     incoming calls. } ****** } } "So anyway, I tell him that if that's the way he feels, he can just..." } } <RIIIINNG> } } "Commodore International Thank You For Calling Please Hold."  <CLICK> } } "...take his fancy vacation in Mexico..." } } <RIIINNG> } } "Commodore International Tha..." } ... } "Oh, I'm sorry you got cut off.  Could you hold please?"   <CLICK> } } "...and just go by himself.  Well, so anyways, *he* says..." } } <RIIINNG> } } "Commodore International..." } ... } "I'm very sorry.  Cut off twice?  Perhaps there's something wrong with } your phone?  Could I take your name please?" } } "Usenet?  Could you spell that please, Mr. Oracle?" } ... } "Would you mind answering a few questions for our marketing department, } Usenet?" } ... } "Well, there's no need to be rude.  How can I help you, Mr. Oracle?" } ... } "Amiga?  Is that some kind of Mexican computer?  My boyfriend is taking } me to Mexico next week.  Except we're having a fight, and I don't know } if I want to go." } ... } "Talk to my supervisor?  Please hold." } } <CLICK> } } "Glady's, can you pretend to be my supervisor for a few minutes?  I've } got a live one on line 3.  Something about computers in Mexico.  Very } rude.  Name is Usenet Oracle." } } <CLICK> } } "Mr. Usenet?  Thank you for calling Commodore.  I'm afraid we don't } market our computers in Mexico, although we appreciate your interest. } If we can be of any assistance in the future, please don't hesitate to } call again.  <CLICK> } } <ZZZZOTTTTT!!!!!> } **** } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of the president of a *real* } computer company.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH'GREAT ONE TELL ME WHY IS SCHOOL SO BORING,WHEN YOU HAVE FREE TIME > OF,AND WHY IS IT COMPOLSARY TO ATTEND SCHOOL WHEN WE HAVE ALREADY > LEARNT TO WRITE,SPELL,READ,ADD ETC.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whassamatter, tiger? Second grade got you down? Still a little let down } because you lost the election, and Marilyn had to put you back in } private school? Get that sour puss off your face! School's not so } bad...look at all of the brand new opportunities that are beating a } path to your door! You're meeting new friends, broadening new horizons, } getting regular milk breaks and nap times! The next ten years will just } fly by, and you'll get that coveted piece of lambskin, and WHO KNOWS? } Maybe, just maybe, you'll find yourself in a trade school } somewhere...maybe even ITT TECH! Yes sir, Danny-Boy, I'd say you've got } the tiger by the short-and-curlies. } } Keep that chin up! Work hard and bring home those As! And when it all } seems too much for you, when the gloomy-bugs bite, and your lower lip's } hanging low enough to gather floor lint, sing this little song. It'll } get you up-and-at-'em again! } (sung to the tune of "Every Sperm is Sacred," from Monty Python and the } Meaning of Life) } } Someday I'll be a genius, } With a high IQ, } I'll be smart and famous, } Like John Sununuuuu! } I will learn how to place } A-postrophes, } I might even learn to lay } Off the <CAPS LOCK> key! } Everyone will like me, } Even Murphy Brown, } I'll be known as "Mr. Quayle" } Not as "brainless clown!" } } On second thought, Dan, I've heard you sing. Forget the song, and just } down a few malt liquors. } } You owe the Oracle a doll that gets excited when you press down on its } head, and an autographed copy of Marilyn's spy novel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fluffy Oracle, please explain to me why men like those > smelly dogs and women like cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, my feline friend, lies in the genes.  Men's Y chromosome } shares some of the same info found in male dogs, while female genes } share info with the female cat.  Some examples: } } Dog/Man: }   Name:     Effect: }   RF-L1             Refuse to learn new tricks after mid-age. }   IS-G6             Insist on going out at the most inconvenient times. }   WA-B0             When afraid, bark. }   PL-B9             Have the unexplainable urge to play ball. }   DRO-LL3           Drool when excited. }   R-S8              Rotate leg when stomach is rubbed. }   BM-W2             Bay at the moon, without knowing why. }   BB-B4             Have bad breath without realizing it. }   WW-I7             Whine when ignored. } } Cat/Woman: }   Name:     Effect: }   GR-T8             Groom at all times. }   DA-C1             Don't always answer when called. }   WA-R0             When afraid, run. }   MW-OS4            Manipulate without shame. }   BOP-WW12          Bother people while they are reading. }   S-P34             Tend to strike poses. }   BC-0              Tend to be curious. }   PP-R1             Purr. } } You owe me a scratch behind the ears.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and Knowledgable Oracle, whose code never is scrambled, > and whose printer prints nothing but thousand dollar bills. > "Garbage In, Garbage Out" is a common maxim of computer programming. > This implies that whatever is entered into a computer will result in > an output of similar kind.  Following this logic, I entered a slice > of thick crust pepperoni and mushroom pizza into my workstation, in > order to double my supply of pizza.  Pizza In, Pizza Out!  However, > nothing happened.  Not a single slice was output, nary e'en a single > pepperoni! What did I do wrong?  Did I use the wrong compiler?  Do I > need to use a different editor?  Any help from Your knowledgable and > wise self would be most appreciated. > Hungrily awaiting your response, > A. Supplicant > > -- > I lack the technical skill to make a .SIG file...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ren: } "STIMPY! YOU EEEEDIOT! Not again. That stupid rubber nipple machine of } yours is causing more mail from the Oracle to pile up at our front } door. I've had to answer a hundred ridiculous questions from these } eeediot supplements already today. I'm almost out of ink!" } } Stimpy: } "Thats all right Ren. I've got a new pen that I invented to make } you very happy." } } Ren: } "Well, tell me, what is it man?" } } Stimpy: } "It uses a mixture of Gritty Kitty Litter and something that came } out of my butt." } } Ren: } "Something that came out of your butt??? I don't believe you. Nothing } came out of your butt, so keep your stinking fantasies to yourself." } <SMACK!> "Give me the pen, and fix that stupid machine so the Oracle's } letters don't show up here anymore." } } "Dear Supplement, } } Send your computer and all of its peripherals to the Oracle care of Ren } Studio B, locker #71, and the Oracle will send you a machine that will } give you whatever you want simply by putting Gritty Kitty Litter into } it." } } Stimpy: } "Ren, how do you like the happy pen?" } } Ren: } "It stinks. Quick, box up the rubber nipple machine. I think I have a } solution to our mail problem!" } } Stimpy: } "What's that Ren?" } } Ren: } "Mark the box: To: Supplement, From: Oracle, and send it to this } eeediot supplement. We get a free computer, and we'll be free of these } stupid supplements who keep asking too many questions." } } Stimpy: } "Did you make this new button on my pen? I didn't put it there." } } Ren: } "What? Look, it says '*ZOT*' on it. Probably a magic good luck button. } Here let me push it!" } } <*ZOT*> The Ren and Stimpy house is vaporized. } } Oracle: } "Dear Supplicant, I'm sorry for any inconvenience, but the mail } has been delayed. Please be patient." } } You owe the Oracle a video erasing machine.