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548, 548-01, 548-02, 548-03, 548-04, 548-05, 548-06, 548-07, 548-08, 548-09, 548-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message: > What does > >      6lj60 7eh86 5lf74 2ckd5 dfe82 0akg6 08il5 9gf84 2coc2 0jp71 > > mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously have lost your Captain Video Secret Spy Decoder Ring } (free in every box of Oat Toasties).  When decoded, it reads: } }       stopf oolin garou ndwit hcomp uters andge tarea ljobl uvmom } } You owe the oracle 5 box-tops.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Mr Oracle, how are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By sheer force of will. } } You owe the Oracle the Gordian Knot and an X-Men comic book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle, > > Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   ** The Universal Lottery ** } } Oracle: our wheel is spinning and in a few moments our numbered balls } will come down the chute identifying the only being in the universe to } experience the previously generated sequence of life events.  Are they } good?  Are they bad?  It's what you make of them, but they are unique. } And here they are rolling -- 7, 13, 5, 29, 21, 2A, 3F, 0010, 3E4, QZZ. } Now let's check the universe census, the number sequence just drawn } belongs to...to.... } } The Current Supplicant!  Aren't you amazed? } } You owe the oracle the look on your face.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose great nose hairs I am not worthy to pluck, > and whose meta-jokes about Fermat's theorem are truly marvellous > but unfortunately the bandwidth is too small to write them here, > > What is the smallest Fermat triple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The smallest Fermat triple occurred in 1939 when Fermat was still } with the Cubs.  The relief pitcher Cantor for the Mets threw the } ball, Fermat bunted, and the fun began.  As Fermat headed for first } base, both Cantor and Leibniz (who was catching that day) went for } the ball and collided.  Fermat was on his way to second by the time } Cantor and Leibniz separated big from small and made the throw to } first. } } First baseman Fibonacci threw to Goedel at second just after Fermat } tagged and ran for third.  Goedel at that moment leaped out of the } noraml sequence and threw to home plate, leaving Fermat's great run } incomplete and Fermat himself fuming at third for not being able to } complete the great square. } } You owe the Oracle a complete list of even-numbered primes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true as it is said, that USA is going down, like > i-cannot-say-what in the closet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The United States of America is God's Own Country, just like the } Republicans said.  God, however, is in a bit of a snit lately, mostly } over Leviticus.  If you want America to recover, the first thing to do } is get shellfish banned... } } Alternately, America could change allegiances.  If y'all just came out } and ADMITTED you'd rather hang out with Satan, rather than trying to } find something in the New Testament about how murder is OK if it's } dropped from real high up in the sky, the Horned One would cut you in } on some terrific fringe benefits.  Smiting your enemies with pox, } marking infants, smearing your body with ointment made from unbaptized } children and flying around-- not to mention the odd visit from } succubi!  (Or incubi, if you prefer.  Satan's open minded.  REAL open } minded.) } } Failing that, you could get out of the whole Judeo-Christian thing } completely.  France, for instance, has spent the decades since World } War Two worshiping Jerry Lewis and the cult of annoying NATO. } Germany never stopped worshipping tremendous steins of beer, although } they do have an agreement with one of the grimmer Valhallans that any } German telling a joke that does not refer to dung is immediately } deported to Poland.  The former Soviet Union was real big on blue } jeans and Moody Blues albums.  The Serbs just linked up with Crog, the } ancient Serbo-Croatian god of Extreme Violence over Territory the Size } of Postage Stamps. } } Do NOT try to get America to worship *me*; I prefer my cultists to be, } if not actually educated, at least *educable*.  The last thing I need } is to have to listen to prayers from an orange-haired woman on an } overstuffed couch in a trailer park in between her mouthfuls of Kraft } Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hot dogs mixed in it. } } You owe the Oracle a current address for Loviatar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please ZOT me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, ho! Must be a case of zotophilia, or possibly even } a zotomaniac! Why certainly, my dear, the Oracle would } be more than happy to be of service. I hope you enjoy } this as much as I do. } } (I'll just start with a little slow forezotting to get } you in the mood:) } } <zzzzzzzzzzzzt>......<zzzzzzzzzt>...........<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt> } ......<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...............<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...... } <zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>..........<zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>............... } <zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt> } } (Now I'll vary the rhythm a little:) } } <zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>......<zzt>..........<zzzzzzzzzzzt>...<zt> } <zt>...<zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...<zzt>...<zt>.<zt> } } (Now I'll increase the intensity:) } } <zooooooooot>.....<zzt>..<zzt>.........<zooot>...<zooooooooot> } } (Now, while you think the tension is unbearable:) } }             zzzz                                     ooo }        zzzz      zzzz                            ooo     ooo } <zzzzz                zzzzz                zzooo             oot> }                             zzzz      zzzz }                                  zzzz } } (And finally:) } }      <<<  ZZZZZZZZ     OOO     TTTTTTTT  >>> }     <<<        ZZZ    OO OO       TT      >>> }    <<<         ZZ    OO   OO      TT       >>> }   <<<         ZZ     OO   OO      TT        >>> }  <<<          ZZ    OO     OO     TT         >>> } <<<          ZZ     OO     OO     TT          >>> }  <<<         ZZ     OO     OO     TT         >>> }   <<<       ZZ       OO   OO      TT        >>> }    <<<      ZZ       OO   OO      TT       >>> }     <<<    ZZ         OO OO       TT      >>> }      <<<  ZZZZZZZZ     OOO        TT     >>>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love coffee, I love tea, > I love the Oracle, and he loves me, > Coffee and tea, The Oracle and me, > Together we can be so very happy. > > Oracle, > >    Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biscuit, coffee, tea and milk, } Take the spoon and let it sink. } Chocolate, coffee, milk and tea, } Drop it all into the sea. } Munchies, biscuits and coca cola } We'll both go to Bola-Bola. } Potatoes, coffee, milk and chips, } I love you at 3000 MIPS. } Sprite, tea, coffee and milk, } I will dress for you in silk. } Biscuit, munchies, milk and wine, } From now on you will be mine. } Apple, milk and chocolate white, } I will marry you by night! } } You owe the oracle another pack of condoms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and omniscient oracle,  here's the thing: > > Several weeks ago I parked my small car around the corner from my > apartment in front of this shoe repair store.  Now, mind you this was > at about 7 AM and I planned to move the car by 9. > > Long about 8 or so, I look out my window, just to be sure my car has > not suddenly fallen through a wormhole, and what do I see but this big > ol' blue Buick parked right behind my car, and eight feet of skid marks > on the road. This bum had pushed my car forward so he could have his > spot! > > Knowing that the car belonged to the owner of the store, I approached > him about his heinous motoring behavior. > > After first conceding that he did, in fact, push my car, I asked him to > give me his registration and insurance number in case I wished to file > a complaint. > > He then suddenly began denying that he had made any such admission of > guilt, insisting that I should know better than to park in HIS spot. > (Mind you, there was, and still is no sign which marks the spot as > reserved or private.) > > He told me I could go and "Bang your head against a wall", and then > proceeded to threaten me with police action if I did not immediately > leave his premises.  So, I did. > > What I want to know, O mighty and wise oracle, is how I can best seek > my revenge on this man and his car without anyone connecting me with > the deed and without making the act one of blatant destruction or > vandalism.  Subtlety and guile are the key here. > > Bless me, O oracle, with thy wisdom!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, pathetic mortal, perhaps you were off sniffing the } luminiferous ether when you should have been reading my compendious } tome "Rituals of Human Territoriality".  Perhaps you, too, are going to } give me the excuse that you don't read the mukluk dialect of } proto-urbanian in which it's written! }       I suggest you refer to the case history titled, "The uncanny } habit of playing chicken with parked cars".  Oh, don't bother.  Here, I } think I have a spell which should work for this situation in the } Transcendental Encyclopedia of Stupid Human Tricks. . . }       Yes, referring to page 333 of the Improvised Standard Version, I } find that you will require the following ingredients to cast an } irremedial curse on your dire enemy: } }       1 (one) Standard issue mobile fireplug. }       1 (one) can hi-gloss yellow paint. }       1 (one) cooperative Traffic Patrolman. }       1 (one) donut shop, within view of your enemy's establishment. } } Instructions:  Sit in the donut shop awaiting the inevitable } convergence of the following two events-- }       1)  Blue buick is parked in front of store. }       2)  Traffic patrolman parks his fanny on a stool near your }           station in the donut shop. } } This is the sign that you should remove the fireplug from your } transdimensional pocket, and place it on the sidewalk near the Blue } Buick.  Apply a liberal coat of yellow paint to the adjoining curb. } Return to donut shop, smile at Traffic Patrolman, and lead him to Blue } Buick, chanting the mystic formula, "Remember your quota.  Remember } your quota." }       If you have performed your part of the spell correctly, the } traffic patrolman will inscribe a mystic curse which he will place upon } the Blue Buick. The effect of the curse will be the conjuration of a } dire beast called The City Towing Vehicle, which will promptly cause the } Blue Buick to disappear into the gaping maw of the City Impound Lot. }       WARNING:  The spell has an unpredictable duration.  It is } possible that within a few days, the Blue Buick will be back in the } neighborhood.  The good news is, you can repeat the spell until your } thirst for vengence is satisfied. It rarely fails. } } You owe the Oracle a paint job for our Blue Buick, and a Boston Creme } filled donut.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are Borg. > Usenet is irrelevant. > Oracle is irrelevant. > ZOT!ting is futile. > Prepare to be assimilated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are the Borg. } People say we're borging around. } We're the new generation, } We're going to suck the life from your town. } } We're not trying to be friendly, } We want to enslave your race, } Resistance is futile, } We've got metal all in our face. } } Hey, hey, we're the Borg! } We're going to triumph over all! } We fly around in a Rubik's Cube, } And we're getting cancelled next fall! } } We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Everybody! } We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Even the Pontiac guy! } We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Roddenberry's dead, we're outta } plots! We're all getting cancelled next fallllllll! } } This and other marvelous songs can be heard on the brand new album from } Geffen records, "Star Trek: The We-Think-We-Can-Sing Generation." Don't } miss such sparkling gems as: }       "Bad Moon Rising," by Marina Sirtis }       "Do the Jean-Luc Stomp," by Gates McFadden and Ozzy Osbourne }       "Hold On, I'm Coming," a soulful, peppy remake of the Junior } Walker and the All-Stars song by Patrick Stewart. }       And best of all, ol' yellow-eyes, Brent Spiner with a remake of } the tasty pop confection, "99 Luftballons." } } Order now, I am standing by. You don't have to call a number, I already } know if you want the album, and I'm sending it right now. You owe the } Oracle a real sci-fi TV show such as Babylon 5. Now scram, kid, ya } bother me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message: > Oh great and wise one.  Please answer my plea.  I have recently been > unable to get excited over watching my favourite shows, such as Star > Trek, Red Dward, Cheers, STTNG and LA law.  Instead,  I have found > myself drawn to watching Bass Master and the Home Shopping channel. > Oh wise one, what is wrong with me, what is happening to my life. > Save me!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good news and bad news. } } Bad news -- The Nielson company has selected you and about a thousand } other households for their new "psycho-ratings laboratory program" } wherein they use the latest mind control technology to both tabulate } and tweak reactions of participants to television programs in a } controlled scientific laboratortype atmosphere.  Nothing is left to } chance. } } Good news -- You will win a landmark suit against Nielson to the tune } of 4M. } } Bad news -- You and the other participants will suffer for the rest of } your lives from severe neurological.  You will be known as "vidiots", } quivering uncontrollably until you have your hourly dose of paid } commercial television, "Donoghue", and NBC News at 11:00. } } You owe the Oracle 2% of your settlement as a finder's fee.