|
} Personal Log, Stardate 2213.4. The Enterprise, commanded by myself,
} James T. Kirk, has been dispatched to the neutral zone to intercept an
} upgraded Klingon warbird, the Hutzpah. The captain of the warbird saw
} fit to test the strength of his ship against mine and now we are locked
} in a battle which I fear I cannot win.
}
} [The Enterprise shudders from another blow. Smoke pours from Spock's
} pocket calculator. Previously unseen redshirts fling themselves across
} the room and die violently. Lights flicker ominously.]
}
} Kirk: More power, Scotty, I need more power!
} Scotty: The ship's had it, Captain! She's given us alla she's got!
} The backup systems are failin'!
} Kirk: Sulu, fall back out of range of their weapons. Scotty, what
} have we got left?
} Scotty: Captain, we've got one good warp engine, but we canna go
} anywhere without both. Phasers are out, torpedoes are expended.
} The only thing workin' in this ship is minimal life support,
} gravity control, the one warp engine, the intercom, and the
} Commodore-64 in the ship's museum.
} Spock: Captain, given those items, I believe I can create a computer
} program which can use the ship's gravity control as a weapon
} against the Klingons.
} Kirk rubs his chin: How are the Klingons doing?
} Spock: They are as badly damaged as we. The only items working on
} their ship are their maneuvering thrusters, their warp field
} generator, their toilets, and the Klingon version of a Gameboy.
} Kirk: Very well, Mr. Spock. You, Scotty, and Bones meet me in the
} briefing room, and we will begin the project life cycle, starting
} with a formal definition of the problem and a feasibility study.
} Urhura: Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.
} The screen comes on, revealing the Klingon captain, who is snarling: I
} demand a temporary cease-fire while we put together a tiger team
} and conduct a brainstorming session.
} Kirk: I'll have you know that we are conducting a feasibility study of
} our own, Klingon!
} The Klingon cringes in fear: Do your worst! I am prepared to die!
} Hutzpah out!
}
} [In the briefing room, one month later]
}
} Spock: Captain, I have completed the feasibility study.
} Theoretically, we should be able to use the C-64 to alter the
} gravity controls through the warp engine and set the gravity
} constant on the Klingon ship at precisely one hundred forty-six
} times normal.
} Bones: Why, that's crazy, you green-blooded machine!
} Scotty: You canna change the laws of physics!
} Kirk: Gentlemen, please! If Spock says it can be done, I believe him.
} Scotty: Well, can I at least take some of my men off of makin' alla
} those charts and reports for Mr. Spock and get them started
} repairin' the ship?
} Kirk: No! More Gantt charts, Scotty, I need more Gantt charts! Let's
} begin with user requirements, using the ISAC method. It has to
} have a nice interface when I use it, Spock, really user-friendly,
} because frankly, I have no idea how to work any of these
} computers.
} Spock: Understood, Captain.
} Kirk: It has to be X-windows based. No, make that NeXTSTEP. No, make
} it OS/2. No, X-Windows. Did I say that already? I don't know,
} it has to be compatible with all those, at least. Just make it
} compatible with everything, okay? Lessee, I want a user's guide,
} all code fully documented, online help, full configuration
} control...
}
} [Many years later, the two ships are still locked in battle, their
} software life cycles still in progress after countless deadlines missed
} and revisions]
}
} Kirk: Yes, Spock, I know the gravity weapon part is ready to test, but
} those fonts are all wrong and you don't have the e-mail interface
} working. You know I think no software is worth a hill of beans
} unless it can do e-mail. No testing until you meet my specs!
} Scotty: Captain, I have ta take the printers off-line. They're
} overheatin' and gonna go supercritical any minute!
} Kirk: More documentation, Scotty, I need more documentation!
}
} A Borg ship passes through and absorbs the two battling ships. A
} century later, the Borg race suddenly and mysteriously dies out.
}
} So there you have it. I didn't exactly tell you how ISAC works, but
} after seeing how any software life cycle method works, are you sure you
} want to know?
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
