Goto:

55, 55-01, 55-02, 55-03, 55-04, 55-05, 55-06, 55-07, 55-08, 55-09, 55-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose breaths of fire scorch the evil of this world > Why is IBM #1?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IBM is #1 in some ways of counting, and not in others.  This is true of } nearly anything.  Here are some of the more important ways that IBM is } #1: } } 1. Their products have the most comfortable seats of any major computer }    producer. } } 2. IBM executives are the most uniform in appearance and personality of }    any major company. } } 3. IBM has the most effective brain-reprogramming department of any }    major company.  (See 2.) } } 4. More starlings nest in IBM plants than nest in any other company's }    plants. } } 5. IBM employs the largest number of people with harelips of any }    organization in the world. } } 6. IBM has recently purchased the world's most expensive harmonica, }    and donated it to an art museum.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'ello, 'ello, 'ello... > > What's all this, then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is outside your jurisdiction, Constable.  And you didn't say hello } to the third Oracular Priestess -- most impolite.  This is Sylvia, and } that's Jennifer, and the shy one you wouldn't even greet is Molly.  What } we are doing is quite legal in this part of the world.  These darling } ladies are the first Oracular Priestesses the Oracle has had in } centuries.  Now get out of the Oracle's Temple before the Oracle calls } the _local_ police.  Out!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much radiation do I receive from my Sun workstation's CRT display > and what are my chances of sterility from it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You receive about two gigagrams per furlong of radiation from your } workstation.  It will not help you get sterile.  Your fingers will still } be grubby. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the metric system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I just shit in my pants?  Did anyone else do it too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave } caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of } their anal sphincters.  Don't be ashamed!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What flowers should I send a girl after a few dates?  Do roses > correspond to "coming on too strong"?  How about chrysanthemums?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, sir, must understand the true symbolism of flowers. } } Roses:  romantic love, and/or lust. } } Chrysanthamums:  that you wish to have a more Japanese relationship with } her. } } Carnations:  That you wish to buy her a set of luggage, but you are too } scared to ask her permission. } } Daisies:  that you expect to be dead soon ("pushing up the daisies") and } therefore want to have as much enjoyment as she can provide in what } little remains of your life. } } Dahlias:  that you want to have a short, casual affair (dalliance) with } her. } } Venus Fly-Trap:  that you want to cover her genital region with glue, or } some similar substance. } } Sunflowers:  That you wish she were taller and blonder, but, } nonetheless, you would be sad if Karl Marx gave either of you a } reliquary. } } Violets:  That you and she should find a Satanist organization as soon } as possible, either to join or to destroy as suits your fancy. } } Tulips:  That Elizabeth Taylor is a pea-brained ninja who should have } given up making movies to marry several major U.S.  political figures. } } Well, this is only a sample, but you get the idea.  Consult } Broglogustrum's _Complete Book of Flower Arrangements_ for more details.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a > shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin.  By > morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser.  Should I > tell her about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> An ORACLE is: >   1a: a person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity >     is believed to speak >   1b: a shrine in which a deity so reveals hidden knowledge or the >     divine purpose >   1c: an answer or decision given by an oracle >   2a: a person giving wise or authoritative decisions or opinions >   2b: an authoritative or wise expression or answer > > Which one of the above describes you best and if the answer is either > (1a) or (1b), which deity do you speak for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1a is the closest to an appropriate answer.  The Usenet Oracle speaks } for whatever gods (or other beings) happened to be paying attention.  I, } myself, am an Athena-worshipper (more or less), but there are a wide } variety of other religions available on the network. } } You owe the Oracle this:  to heal anyone you can, whenever you can. }    Blessings, }      One incarnation of the oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question:  Why > does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with > and only gives him grief?  A puzzled mother wants to know!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one.  What was the } magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again?  Oh yes:  Goot Zex!  Goot } Zex!  Goot Zex!  Goot.. } } [blur blur blur] } } Ja!  Dat ees much better!  Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit } your son, Frau Vorryvart. } } He ees 25 years old, eh?  I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn } vell pleases, den!  Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der } poorpose of making you und nutzkopf.  You should haff never given him } such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old. } } Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you } vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh? } } So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing } matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you } und Herr Vorryvart. } } Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle?  Oh ja, Veert Answers! } Veert Answers!  Veert Answers!  Veert... } } [blur blur blur] } } You owe the Oracle a better German accent.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would be a good question to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To start off, that WAS a good question. } } Other good questions include... } Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower? } What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!" } What is the correct response to "What's up?" } Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day? } Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to }      have his brain fixed? } Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy? } Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid? } If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them? } Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks? } Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us? } Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with }      cigarette butts? } Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors? } Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try }      to do a bong load? } } Just to get you started.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Ann Oracle, > >     Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To ensure propagation of the species, it is necessary for the male to } identify himself as available for breeding, and to announce his } intentions to as wide an area as possible.  The female, in turn, will } respond to his signal - initiating a courtship ritual and leading } eventually to the marking of territory (also by broadcasting to the } surrounding area) and the building of a nest. } } Oh, sorry.  That's the answer to "why do birds sing so gay?" Fools fall } in love to provide sport for the gods. } } You owe the oracle two shiny things and a beakfull of twigs.