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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O! O! O! O! O! O! ORACLE! O! O! O! O! O! O! > > WHERE IS THE FILE I CANNOT FIND?  AND WHY AM I SHOUTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh humble supplicant, } } You have apparently been working with a Unichs computer.  As you know, } Unichs is a lot like DOS, but without the....well, anyway, it's missing } something. } } OK, so here's what you probably did: } } rm (filename) } } What you really wanted to do, is tell it to "Read My (filename)", but } Unichs, being the rather simplistic language that it is, takes "rm" to } mean "delete".  If you want to read something, you type "cat } (filename)".  Why it isn't "dog (filename)" is not clear, but is lost } to the ravages of time. } } It's all very simple, really.  Rename, which could be expected to } be called "rm", is in fact "mv".  Copy makes a bit of sense, it's "cp", } but that could also stand for "cut & paste". } } Keep in mind that Unix was developed by a joke by a bunch of computer } geeks, and was never meant to be released as a viable operating system. } } Anyway, here's how you get your file back: } } Submit an oracular work-request, asking to have the file restored.  I } should be able to get to it within 3 working days (that's Oracular } days, each of which is....lets see here....4539 earth days.)  The } sooner you submit the work-request, the sooner I'll finish, so don't } dally.  Include on the work request, the following: } } >The filename in question } >The sector address where it used to reside } >Your full backups from 3 minutes before you biffed it } >A complete copy of the information in the file. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of where the command "grep" came } from, and what the heck that stands for.  Some things, even the } all-knowing can't fathom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, mister Oracle... > >       I'm not sure if anyone has ever said this to you, but Good > Night and Pleasant Dreams. > > -s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle passes over the chrysoprase flagstones of the gentle } temple, jasmine on the soft summernight's air.  Diana smiles down upon } him as he spreads a goatskin on the springy grass and composes himself } for sleep. } } And from the East comes an exquisite creature, of such lovliness as to } launch 1024 ships.  The Oracle smiles up at her.  She smiles down. } } "Oracle?  You answer questions, in exchange for... payment.  Right?" } } His smile is a rainbow.  "Right." } } She simpers demurely.  Scuffs her toe in the grass.  "Well... there's } only one thing I want to know."  Her bosom heaves under glittering } stars. } } "Anything, my love." } } "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck } wood?" } } The Oracle's eyes bulge.  The girl smiles, but her mouth is suddenly } filled with fangs... A sudden scudding of cloud, chill wind; and from } the West the Oracle sees... THINGS!  Crawling on all fours, hornrimmed } scabarous eyes dripping pus and scalps shedding snowstorms of dandruff } and painful erections throbbing through plaid trousers like month-old } hot dogs.  He can hear their uncouth cries: "Why can't I get laid..." } "How can I get a date with Lisa..."  "How can I meet a woman..."  "Who } is Barbara?"  "What do women want..." } } The Oracle lurches to his feet and pounds away over the withering } grass... } } Message from kinzler@iuvax on console at 21:59 ... } THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR DESTINY.  YOU } CANNOT ESCAPE. } } "Why?  Why has this been done this to me?  Mercy!  Mercy!!!" } } Message from lucifer@circle9.hell.com on console at 00:00 ... } Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I suppose you'd rather be frozen up to your } schnitzelgruben in a lake of eternal ice? } } Message from shiva@peak.himalayas.nepal on console at 00:00 ... } You don't think my feet don't hurt after all this dancing?  Especially } when I see Vishnu undoing all my hard work?! } } Message from odin@throne.valhalla.org on console at 00:01 ... } I gave my *eye* for *my* eternal wisdom, you little snot!  Hung from } the Tree of Life for three days and nights... and I'm *still* doomed } to perish at Ragnarok!  But you don't hear me complaining, do you? } } Message from osiris@memphis.mirror.org on console at 00:01 ... } It wasn't any picnic getting ripped limb from limb and widely } scattered.  Not to mention the fact that they couldn't even *find* my } schnitzelgruben and now I have to make do with one of wood... } } Message from buddha@<NULL> on <NULL> at 00:02 ... } This is maya, Grasshopper.  Why do you resent what is not there? } } Message from cthulhu@rlyeh.pacific on console at 00:02 ... } Perhaps you'd like to TRADE PLACES, eh?  Let's see what waiting for } death to die over strange aeons does for YOUR attitude! } } Message from prometheus@rock.tartus.greece on console at 00:03 ... } How do you feel about birds? } } Message from. . .    Message from. . .  Message from. . . } }                          * * * } } The Oracle jumps awake, eyes backforth flicking... gropes for the vial } of ephedrine. } } As stumbles to his blindingly white linen robe, he holds his head and } knows, as only an omniscient can know, what to expect from the coming } day.  "Somebody," he says, "owes me a good night's sleep."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark Cherian, final year philosophy student, sat staring in } disbelief at question 1 on the exam paper.  He blinked.  He rubbed } his eyes and looked back at the paper to see if he was halucinating. } After all, he was mentally exhausted from studying right through } the previous night.  But no, the question was still there, grinning } at him.  "My *god*" thought Mark, "The examiners have really } flipped this time.  They've asked some doozies in the past, but } this really takes the biscuit.  Never mind, if I can answer the } others I'll still do OK".  He looked at the next question. } } -- 2) What is the difference between a duck ? } } Mark rolled his eyes.  "What the hell are they up to?" } } -- 3) My dog has no nose.  How does it smell ? } } That did it.  Clearly there had been some mistake, and a bad joke } book had been substituted for the exam paper.  He looked around the } hall.  Strange, everyone else appeared to be working as normal.  Not } a puzzled look on any of their faces.  Perhaps it was only *his* } paper that was wrong.  He put his hand up.  An invigilator spotted } this, and approached.  "Oh no!" thought Mark "not him!" } "What's the problem, Mark ?" asked Professor Scott. } "My exam paper, I think it's different to everyone elses" } "It is.  And look at question 4" said the Professor, grinning evily. } } --4) Argue the moralilty of screwing my wife the other night when I }      was working late.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who receiveth some pretty weird grovels, and who excelleth in > the use of Elizabethan English, pray tell me why thou sufferest to live > those who commit any of several faults: > >  - Missing grovel >  - Hasty or perfunctory grovel >  - Use of interjective "Oh" instead of vocative "O" >  - Failure to use correct Elizabethan English > > Or dost thou actually accept Elizabethan(II) English and all the > lesser forms, these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou thy grovel be marginal, an anfwer be forthcoming. } } I can fee that thou art a bard at heart. } All forms of English are acceptacle to the Ufenet Oracle, as are all } other lanuages. Although it feems that the colonials fave you yet } maftered the Queen's English. For footh, I have faid many a time that } the Americans cannot teach their children how to fpeak proper English. } } Thou oweft the Oracle the letter f.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative, > celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine, > dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary, > famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite, > influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent, > omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious, > profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime, > superior, supreme and wise Oracle, > >       A while back I asked you that question again, and gave three > conditions.  You replied with a few other conditions that I was not > aware of.  For this, I thank you.  But my question still remains > unanswered.  So, I will put it to you again: > >       Oh Oracle, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if: > > a)  the woodchuck were capable of chucking wood (of course), AND > b)  said woodchuck were capable of chucking wood for hours on end, AND > c)  said woodchuck were given a time limit of three hours? > d) the set of all woodchucks is non-empty > e) the set of wood is non-empty > f) the set of unchucked wood is always non-empty > g) the intersection of the set of wood and the set of woodchucks >       is empty > h) wood is capable of being chucked > i) wood that has been chucked remains chucked > j) wood does not spontaneously become chucked > k) wood cannot be simultaneously chucked and unchucked > l) it is possible to distinguish chucked from unchucked wood > m) there is a physical measurement for the rate of woodchucking > n) the rate of wood chucking is constant > o) the amount of wood that has been chucked is a linear function >       of the rate of chucking > > I await your most illuminating reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, all the recent woodchucking woodchuck publicity has } forced all of the aforementioned woodchucking woodchucks into } seclusion (they like to chuck in private.)  Thus, your question } is, alas, moot. } } However, in order for them to fulfill their long-term wood } displacement contracts with "Mother M," they have sub-contracted } the job to an international consortium of voles. } } Of course, voles cannot chuck wood; therefore, they have developed } a new technique for moving it. } } You owe the Oracle the answer to the following question: } }     "How much wood could a vole roll if a vole could roll wood?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and forgiving oracle who would never wear plaid and is kind to > most arrdvarks and Barry Manilow, wouldst thou please tell me what > exactly a "ZOT" is?  I have seen the term used many times by you, in > your infinite linguistic knowledge, have looked up the term in > Webster's, called the Betty Crocker 800 number, and searched through > thousands of old Bazooka wrappers looking for some small pittiance of > an answer to no avail. Please help me, oh great one, for I am an > English major, and would really like to add the term to my vocabulary.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are very wise to seek such knowledge and it pleases me to tell the } story of the "ZOT" to a student of the language such as yourself. } } Many years ago, in the darkest jungles of Africa, there lived a tribe } of people called the Yugos.  In this tribe was a witch-doctor, a man } named Bimmer. All of the people looked to Bimmer to discern between the } works of the gods and the works of man.  When Volvo's baby died, Bimmer } said that the gods were not happy with the way she had presented her } last offering.  When Mercedes' baby died he said that it was Infant } Death Symdrome and that she should of had a monitor in the crib. One } year the crops failed and Bimmer said that the gods were angry because } the seeds had not been properly consecrated before they were sown. } Three years later the crops failed again and Bimmer said that it was } because the acidity level of the soil was too high causing improper } absorption of necessary nutrients through the root hairs. } } And so it went, year after year, disaster after disaster, Bimmer always } there to provide the explanation.  And the people were content. } } Then one day, when Bimmer was very old, he fell while free-climbing up } the sheer face of Mount Lotus.  And as the people gathered around his } broken body there was much murmering.  "Is this the hand of the gods?". }  "What could Bimmer have done to cause the gods to kill him?".  And as } they wondered Bimmer's lips started to move.  A young maiden quickly } jumped to his side to hear his final words.  As she placed her ear next } to the old man's mouth she heard Bimmer say with a final sigh } "Ran...out...of...chalk".  And the people were sad. } } Shortly after the burial a young warrior of the village was injured } while cutting wood and the people were confused.  Some said "We have } offended the gods and they are angry with us"  Others said that Honda } should not have removed the kick-guard from his chainsaw.  And there } was much discension in the tribe. } } A great council was held by all of the tribal leaders to discuss what } needed to be done now that Bimmer was dead.  After many hours of } talking and arguing and playing checkers it was decided that a great } sacrifice would be offered to the gods and the entire village would } pray that they would receive someone to restore peace to the village - } someone who could explain why bad things happened. } } The next evening, all of the people gathered in the canyon of worship } and many burnt offerings were made.  Sheep, goats, mother-in-laws, even } an original autographed copy of the White Album were given to the gods } in the hope that they would aid them.  "O great gods of the earth and } sky, help us in our need, restore the peace we once had, give us a way } to discern between your unquestionable actions and our stupid } accidents, we pray thee." } } Immediately, the sky lit up and a voice came out of the heavens, "I } have heard your plea and will answer it.  From now on whenever I cause } pain and suffering I will preceed it with a sound.  If pain and } suffering befall you without this sound then it is due to sheer dumb } luck.  I have spoken." } } A great cry went up from the crowd, "O mighty gods, what is this sound } that we know what to listen for?" } } The voice replied, "Here is the sound, listen well for I shall not } repeat it with consequences.  I have spoken." } } ================================== ZOT } } ================================= Another great cry went up from the } crowd, "What was that?", "I didn't hear it, someone was talking", "Tell } the gods to repeat the sound, my tape recorder wasn't on", } "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH", "EVERYONE SHUT-UP!!!!". } } Silence.  "O wise gods, please repeat the sound for not all of us were } listening." } } ================================== ZOT } } ================================= The people cheered.  "We have heard } the sound!!!  Peace will once ag..." } } At that moment the earth shook and the mountains trembled and the walls } of the canyon cliffs came crashing down killing the entire population } of the village. } } You owe the Oracle a new European sportscar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle. please answer once and for all this most important of > questions.  I have been sitting and thinking about it for ages. > > The toilet roll can be hung in one of two ways. > >           Either                           Or >                  _|                            _| >                 / |<---- wall                 / |<---- wall >                /  |                          /  | >            ___/   |                      ___/   | >           /  /\   |                     /  /\   | >           | o |\  |                    /| o |   | >           \___/|  |                    |\___/   | >                |  |                    |        | > > Which is the correct way?  By my calculations (working it out with > pencil and paper as I often do), it should be the first one, because > pulling the paper out and down as one does would make the roll move out > from the wall and free its movement (so to speak), whereas the second > one pushes the roll into the wall and binds it up (as it were).  Is my > thinking correct, or have I simply been going through the motions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The *correct* answer is to go back to leaves, which are significantly } easier produce and dispose of. } } You owe the Oracle 15 hours of thinking of something useful...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I accept this job offer or should I keep the job I have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fess up, Dan, you lost the election.  Give it up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You smell like a big porcupine.  There, I said it.  I got it off my > shoulders and now I can worship you as you deserve.  OH MASTER, FORGIVE > ME! > > Who is ELCARO, and why does he insist we insult him, and then answer > his questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And you bear the stench of hamsters, o supplicant. } } Elcaro is the anti-oracle, whose number is 664.  Ignore him.  Whenver } he asks you a question, tell him the woodchuck story.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great omnisceint Oracle, I am stuck at home during my spring break > because I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my friends. I am bored > out of my mind. What can I do to keep myself entertained?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hard question indeed.  What could as fun as drinking enormous } volumes of bad beer, throwing your guts up, passing out on a crowded } beach, and suffering from severe sunburn?  Tough question.  However, } Mr. Usenet "party animal" Oracle always has a ready answer. } } One word: "microwave."  You may ask, what fun is a microwave oven?  I } thought it was an ordinary cooking device.  I did not know that it } could be a source of entertainment too.  Ah, but it is true.  Here are } five (5) fun and easy things that you can do with a microwave oven. } } 1. Fill a glass with alchohol or kerosine.  Put a steel brillo pad } into the glass.  Put the glass into the microwave.  Turn it on.  Make } sure your fire insurance is paid up, ha ha! } } 2. Go to the local animal shelter and purchase a cat.  (Incidently, } the local animal shelter can provide hours of entertainment on its } own.)  Put the cat into the microwave.  Attach the microwave to a } radiation source to randomly determine whether to turn the microwave } on or not.  In effect, this is the famous Schroedinger's Cat } experiment.  Afterwards, you will have a cat that is only 50% alive. } Great for breaking the ice at parties. } } 3. Buy a ten pound bag of microwave pop corn.  Fill the microwave to } the brim.  Weld the door closed.  Turn it on.  Make a bet with your } friends on whether the corn will stop popping or the microwave will } explode first. } } 4. Carefully remove the metal screen the from the door of the } microwave.  Make a study on how long it takes for your family to get } cancer.  For more data, do the same thing to all of your friends' } families. } } 5. Microwave ovens and water go together perfectly.  Take your } microwave into your bath tub with you.  Nothing is better than grilled } cheese sandwiches will relaxing in a nice hot bath.  For added } excitement, you can try to determine if your microwave can work while } under water.  The answer may shock you, ha ha! } } Have a great time.  If the microwave is not fun enough, then I know a } few things that you can do with a garbage disposal too! } } You owe the Oracle some fun in the sun.