} THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNKNOWN
} "JOANIE! Where the hell is My robe?!"
} Joanie, the Oracle's faithful secretary, cringed. She then
} silently asked God why her Boss had had to join that damn circle of
} wizards. As if her life wasn't complicated enough, what with making
} sure the Oracle was always well supplied with gourmet jellybeans (sans
} the jalapeno and popcorn-flavored ones), that Rush Limbaugh's letters
} never reached Him, and that the screen of His Nintendo machine was
} always wiped clean...now there was this.
} She counted to ten, slowly, first in English, then in Russian,
} then in Klingon.
} She got up, steeled herself, and walked slowly into His office.
} "You hollered, Boss?"
} The Oracle looked up from where He was rummaging through the
} closet. Joanie looked around at the Mess and promised herself a good
} theraputic tension-release screaming session that night. The Oracle
} straightened up, stretched a kink out of His back, and dove for the
} "Maybe it's in here," she heard Him mumble as He tossed books
} hither and yon. A copy of "The Bible According to God" landed next to
} "Dave Letterman's Top Ten Lists" and was followed by "Deep Thoughts" by
} Jack Handey. "I know the cleaners sent it back, they--they DID send it
} back, didn't they?
} "I don't know. You sent it with one of the lackeys, didn't You?
} Which one took it to the cleaners'?"
} "I think--I think it was Howie. The guy we send to get the donuts
} and jellybeans?"
} "I'll call the cleaners and ask. Say, Boss?"
} "What is this circle thing You joined, anyway?"
} "I can't tell you that. Very hush-hush. Why hasn't housekeeping
} cleaned out My bookcase lately? You wouldn't beLIEVE how many stale
} jellybeans there are back here--"
} "Well, why do You need the robe today? You usually don't."
} The Oracle pulled Himself out of the bookcase. "Well, I didn't
} really join for Myself. One of My supplicants did, and I renewed My
} membership so I could be his sponsor. He's trying to get into the
} Eighth Circle, but they're a bunch of elitist bastards. They change
} their spell every week, and only tell the other wizards in the Circle,
} so that no one has a snowball's chance in hell of learning it. But I
} just happen to be in the Eighth Circle, so I always know the spell of
} the week. They call it the Improved Mystic Phantom Spell, but the truth
} is it's just a sentence they pick out of a book and recite backwards
} with French pronounciation. So I need to go this week, learn the
} sentence, and send it off to My supplicant so that he can enter the
} Circle this week."
} "But Boss, wouldn't You already know that? You are all-knowing of
} the past, present and future."
} "Sure, I know everything, but those elitist bastards don't. So
} I'm sending the sentence today and going tonight so they don't suspect
} I used My knowledge. They'll just figure he bribed Me."
} "So what's the sentence, out of curiosity?"
} "Lemme see....It's from Douglas Adams..."'Anything that happens,
} happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen,
} causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes
} itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in
} chronological order, though.'"
} "Yeah. Now could you be a buddy, Joanie, and find out what the
} hell happened to My wizard's robe?"
} --There you have it, dear supplicant. Take the passage, write it out
} backwards, and pronounce like a Frenchman, and you are guaranteed
} entrance into the circle of elitist bastards.
} You owe the Oracle another wand of lignum vitae--I lost Mine.