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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What message can I have my .login file put on my screen to dissuade me > from reading USENET groups when I ought to be working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Automated Retroactive Minimal Moderation -- hit n to skip ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle! > > Who is Kibo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 8:1 And KIBO asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I am? } } 8:2 And they said, Some say that thou art Bill Gates; some, Elvis, }     others, Jesus or BoB or one of that crowd. } } 8:3 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? } } 8:4 And James Parry answered and said, Thou art Kibo, son of the living }     Barney the Dinosaur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle of everlasting knowledge, I beg thee for > enlightment on a simple matter connected to my material world. > > Did John Lennon have life insurance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, John Lennon believed that all you need is love, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need. } } You owe the Oracle some love.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, most wise, most wonderful, most knowledgeable, > > I represent a group of manufacturing interests in seeking Your Advice > regarding the possible registration of several of our new products as >         "Politically Correct (tm)". > > Without going into details at this stage, we feel that our products > will uphold and further enhance the reputation carried by the > trade-mark in the marketplace, and so we feel confident of acceptance > into the Registry. > > Having contacted the relevant Government authority, they gave us this > address: >         Registry Office, >         Generic Trademarks Inc., >         oracle@cs.indiana.edu > > which, unless we are sadly mistaken, must be one of Your Wholly-Owned > Subsidiaries. Would You then be in a position to send me the details > of the registration fees for the abovementioned trade-mark and any > other trade-marks Your Subsidiary may hold? > > Genuflecting, in advance, > > Nam Tekram > Marketing Director > Relevant Products For the Nineties Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. TEKRAM        , } } Thank you for considering applying for registry with Generic } Trademarks.  Our service will provide you with the necessary } authorization to claim total Political Correctness(tm) on your } products, once they have passed review. } } Your company, RELEVANT PRODUCTS FOR THE NIN, is exactly the kind of } company that Generic Trademarks seeks to further the cause of political } correctness. In fact, once we have had a chance to review your UNNAMED } product, we are certain that we will be extending you this } Political Correctness(tm) certification with little modification } required. } } When you are ready for review, please contact our Review Department to } set up a schedule.  Again, thank you for considering our service for } verifying your Political Correctness(tm). } } Sincerely, } } O. Racle } Generic Trademarks } University of Indiana

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will the answer to this question be in the negative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   I just received an answer to a question, and I wanted to let > you know that I am very dissatisfied.  I don't know if this > jibberish was produced by a pathetic attempt at an automated > question answerer, or by a particularly illiterate priest, but > either way, you need to change the way things are run over > there.  I've enclosed the question and answer, so that you can > judge for yourself. >                         Your Faithful (but disgruntled) Servant, >                                                - Edgar > ------------------------------------------- > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Dear Oracle, > > > >   I dropped a really important paper down a sewer drain > > in the street, and I really need to get it back.  It's not there > > anymore, because it was raining at the time, and there was > > a pretty good flow of water going down there.  Could you > > tell me where it is and how I would go about getting it back? > > > >   Thanks very much. > >                                     Your faithful servant, > >                                     Edgar > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Dear Edgar, > } > } Regarding the paper you dropped, I dot think it were that important. > } > } As you probably know, I, The OmniOmnious Oracle, knows everything. > } Terefore I knows that the paper you dropped were a contract to buy > } an Immensely Big Machine-maker.  And I also knows that it is loosing > } millions by the day, and your transactoin with that firm would have > } been a disaster. > } > } If you still wants your paper back, I recommend looking in the Water, > } because you lost the paper into Water, you shall find the paper in > } Water. > } > } There are certain rituals you could go through to gain your paper > } back: > } > }     1.      Buy a green apple, and spit in 13 equally big parts. > }     2.      Say Mumbo-Jumbo-Toilet-Paper-And-Carrots-In-The-Dark > }     3.      Get hold of DOS 1.1 and install it on the nearest PC. > }     4.      Install the same DOS 1.1 on a VAX 7000 minicomputer > }     5.      Move a terminal to the VAX you just installed DOS on > }             and the PC with DOS 1.1 on close together. > }     6.      Run X-Windows on both computers while saying this spell: > }                      I Will Never Eat dogs anymore > }                      I Will Give The Oracle Half Of what I own > }                           If the Oracle Ask me to do So > }                      PC's and WAXes are Equal > }                      It Always Rains in Sahara > }                      And I'm all Moronity of the World In Person > }     7.      Put ten silver forks in the back of an African Zebra > }             while ridong on a black Leopard > } > } This should work.  (It may not behave exactly as it is planned, as it > }                     is version 1.0) > } > } You owe the Oracle prof of purchase of recycling equipment to all the > } public sewer installations of the world.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, faithful servant, for bringing this matter to my attention. } Since I do know all, it was, strictly speaking, unnecessary, but } welcome nonetheless. } } Our automated question answerers in the past have indeed been less than } life-like, but the preisthood have improved matters considerably, and } now even I have a hard time telling if it is Oracle, or just Memorex. } ("Memorex is a registered trademark of the 3M Corporation.") } Naturally, of course, this response is being personally written by me, } since you are one of my most faithful servants. } } Rest assured that the priest responsible for programming the automated } question answerer that composed the reposnse to your last question has } been stoned.  Stoned to his soul.  Stoned me like a jelly roll.  And it } stoned me.  Oh the water, oh the water, oh the water!  Hope it don't } rain all day. And it stoned me to my soul

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me: > > How many sides has a paragon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant, humble seeker of knowledge, the answer is quite obvious! } If an octagon has eight sides, and a pentagon has five sides, and in } general, a polygon has multiple sides, then a paragon obviously has } a pair of sides.  Two.  Therefore, since no shape can have but two } sides, the word paragon has come to mean an unnattainable height of } achievement or virtue, originally from the ancient and now lost saying } "as rare as a paragon." } You owe me an argon, a shape which once had sides, but now they are... } oh forget it and just BEGONE!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose table I am not worthy enough to varnish, > > Given that it is impossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, is > it possible to make a sow's ear out of silk purse, if so, how ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Getting desperate, aren't we, Van Gogh?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Orrie, who's name, although remarkably similar to the most > exquisitie cookie in the universe, actually does not resemble a > cream-filled chocolate-sandwich biscuit in the slightest... > > How much can-can could a cairn can-can if a cairn can/could can-can?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y'all may wonder just what happens when people send in questions like } this.  In this case, the supplicant received the following response: } } } Your question is meaningless, and as such, has no useful answer. } } } } You owe the Oracle the entrails of a ram.  Pay up or I will inflict } } countless phobias upon you. } } Said supplicant ignored this demand, and is currently suffering } following conditions: } } Aerophobia: fear of air.  Supplicant broke into a pet store and stuck } his head into the lionfish tank, receiving numerous stings. } } Bufophobia: fear of toads.  Not a big problem in most places, but the } supplicant lives in Queensland... } } Dvorakophobia: fear of unusual keyboards.  Hasn't come up yet. } } Hispanophaegiphobia: fear of eating Mexican food.  Supplicant is } currently standing across from the local Taco Bell and passing out } leaflets with titles like "Refried Beans: the Truth" and "Jesus Never } Ate a Tamale." } } Influoresophobia: fear of flowers.  Supplicant napalmed a funeral and } was arrested for arson. } } Inspirophobia: fear of inhaling.  Bill Clinton is the most famous } example of this condition.  Actually, he's still a little twitchy } about Flowers, too. } } Neotrekophobia: fear of Star Trek: the Next Generation. } } Neoneotrekophobia: fear of Deep Space Nine. } } Parrishophobia: fear of warm bucolic paintings.  Went wild at the } local mall and slashed sixteen velvet paintings of seascapes. } } Wacophobia: fear of CNN coverage of the Branch Davidian situation. } Kicked in his TV set.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerfull one,  I bow down to you to ask that you grant me > the answer to my humble question.    What is the air speed of an > unlaided snail > ? > > [ .signature from a biological laboratory deleted -ed ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're the dang biologist around here-- I'm incarnating through a } system administrator who hasn't seen a living animal in six weeks.  Go } do the Scientific Method thing, and next time remember to delete your } .signature. } } Message from kinzler@iuvax on ttyp3 at 14:36 ... } You weren't considering flaming this fellow and not answering his } question, were you?  Y'know, I was thinking that an AI like you could } be very useful to a shop that uses SNA.  What do you think? } EOF } } <SNA?  Yipe!> } } Er... unladen, you mean?  Well, let me check... } } <BAMF!> Boy, what a view!  It's been a while since I've been to the } Empire State building.  I'll just wait for the guard to look away... } sorry, my molluscular friend, but science is science... Geronimo! } } Hmn... 9.81 meters per second per second... flattening out... looks } like terminal velocity... Hey, I got a BMW! } } The answer to your question is about 835.12 kilometers per hour.  You } owe the Oracle a banana slug cannon.